Well, I am realizing how little I post here any more.
Maybe because life is just too busy (for sure).
Maybe because life gets complicated (absolutely).
Maybe I get discouraged because I know the focus of this blog was to update so many who were praying, petitioning and encouraging me through my weeks in the hospital and then following the journey after the boys were born, Zac passing away, and the NICU journey of Evan...and the comments were encouraging to want to keep posting even after we got home. But now...with no comments or feedback...I guess I wonder if there is any point to keeping this blog going. I wonder if this blog has a purpose anymore.
Then again, maybe it isn't about who comments or wondering if people read this anymore.
Maybe it is still a good outlet for myself. Though these days I am finding myself far more guarded with my personal life. So there are a few reason why I debate about keeping this blog going.
However, in the meantime...I sure hope that somehow this blog remains somewhat of an encouragement to someone.
Lately I've been thinking about loss.
For me, it has obviously been regarding the loss of our 5 heavenly babies. But there are other losses I have encountered and endured in life. Losses that have hurt my heart and left me confused and sad. Losses that sometimes you just come to realize there is only so much one person can do. And in order to care for yourself...you have to move forward and pray for the best solution that GOD can provide.
I won't lie...I am a "fixer". I want to take care of everyone and everything. Sometimes at the cost of my own personal care. I worry about others and carry others pains and burdens.
And when I realize that my help or friendship is not enough to repair a situation, it's hard to accept.
But the lesson God keeps on trying to hammer in to my head is that it is HE who needs to be the healer. Sometimes through me, and sometimes in other ways. And when it is not particularly through me...it doesn't mean that I have failed. It just means that I have done what I can, and now HE needs to carry on the way HE sees fit.
Over and over God keeps trying to get me to FINALLY accept that I can NOT control everything.
I can NOT fix everything.
He is the one in control, and he is the ultimate Healer.
My job...is to continue to pray. Sometimes that is all a person can do...pray.
No matter how hard it is to step back.
I am to trust God.
I am to take my burdens, my worries, my cares, my hurts, my fears, my doubts...to HIM.
I am to thank God.
Thank Him for the many blessings in my life. For years of health and protection. For guidance. For peace. For comfort. For security. For safety.
I am to let go of that which I am not in control.
So today...it's yet another new day of letting go.
I may have to do this multiple times a week...but each day is a new start. I have been granted that blessing in each morning I wake up. Each day is a new day to BETTER myself, and not stay stuck in yesterday.
Hurts remain. Of course they do. Loss hurts. And He is not asking me to forget the ones I have lost on this earth. BUT, I DO know that this will last only for THIS lifetime. Because heaven is my home. And there...life truly begins. And I will rejoin with the ones I have lost on this earth.
Until then, I pray for the ones who struggle to find their way in Christ.
I pray for healing and renewed spirits and minds.
I pray for protection and hope and a new sense of joy.
I pray that we would live lives that would honour God and His word. Not live life one way to certain people, and then become the complete opposite to others. That we would live with dignity and follow God's word and be pleasing to Him.
We are responsible for only our own actions and words. We can't be responsible for others.
Today I own myself. And today I release the burdens I have been carrying.
God will make something beautiful out of brokeness. I know that with certainty. He has created some precious master pieces in my own life with the brokeness of this heart. And I will choose to honor Him!