I am still confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the Lord
Psalm 27: 13-14

Tuesday, January 28, 2014

Baby Steps...

It begins with baby steps, right?

Moving forward that is.

As I began the agonizing process of going through Evan's clothes to see just what I could part with, I had a stack of his wee tiny clothes.  Preemie clothes.  All in a stack on my glider chair ottoman.
These ones I just can NOT part with.  And that's just fine.
Oh who am I kidding??  I didn't part with TONS of his clothes.  
As I pulled out each article I could see the moment he wore that item.  I could smell the moment.
And some were just too treasured to part with at this time.
Bit by bit. 
But my heart can't handle letting go of everything all at once!

I caught a glimpse of Evan in the background of these clothes used for his tiny less than 5lb body.  

I saw my almost 5 year old little boy behind that stack of clothes.

And my heart exploded.  For many reasons.  
The biggest reason...my little wonder out grew each of these clothes and many, many more!

He has grown.  He has thrived.  He has matured.  He has become this amazing little boy who loves life.  He is smart.  He is exploring his talents.  He is big in to drawing detailed pictures and also TAKING pictures with my old camera.  I can NOT wait for warmer weather when we can go out together and take photograph walks!

I love to watch his mind work.  

I love watching him put in to actions those thoughts.
I love his sensitivity.
I love his young wisdom.
I love his innocent faith and trust.

I just plain old LOVE this boy of ours!  
And I am beyond grateful.

He is teaching me to look ahead with optimism and faith.
He restores my hope and faith daily.

And I love, love, LOVE how prayer has become so second nature to him!!

Last night I hurt my back.  And straight away Evan says "mommy, I am going to pray to Jesus to heal your back right now!"  And he did.  Just like that, prayer was the first step to me getting better.

Then this morning at 5am I felt a tap on my shoulder and heard a whisper "mommy, I had a bad dream!"  So in to bed he happily crawled (a rare occurrence indeed!  He loves his bed and his space!).  As he laid beside me he simply said "mommy, I didn't like that dream.  You need to pray for me.  NOW!"
And so we did.
I'm glad this is becoming so central in his life.

He loves praise and worship music.

He does NOT like TV shows with cartoon monsters with sharp teeth and claws and red eyes.
I love how he knows what makes him uncomfortable, and senses what isn't right for him.

I feel a touch of pride.
I feel like we are doing an okay job as parents.
Teaching.  Guiding.  Learning from example (okay...sometimes that one can shoot me in the foot.  Lets just say Evan and I have a LOT of the same characteristics...learned solely by mommy.  **blush**)
But all in all, I think we are doing a good job.

Every day I wonder if I am being a good enough mom.  If I'm teaching him the right things.  If I'm guiding him in the way I pray he grows.

And most days I feel pleased.
We all have off days, right!?!  4+ years old and *ehem* 38+ years old.

But today, I am moved to tears as I listen to Evan sing my praise, and tell me how awesome I am, and how much he loves me.  And how proud he is of me (that one especially joked me up!).  

Moving forward has been a scary and even sad thought for me in some ways.  But watching our precious son growing and maturing in to the young boy that he is becoming just overwhelms my heart with joy.

I may not understand the path God has brought us on.  I may have been quite angry about a lot of it.  I may have had moments of screaming towards the heavens.

But right now...I'm shouting and screaming praises of thanks and gratitude.

Whatever comes next...
well, I'll take it in baby steps!

Monday, January 20, 2014


Do you ever feel overloaded by the word "when"?

I sure have.  And I do.

"When I grow up I will..."
"When I graduate I will..."
"When I get a job I will..."
"When I get married I will..."
"When we have children I will..."

Well, I've grown up (mostly!).  I graduated.  I've had a few jobs.  I got married.  And attempting to grow our family has been one heck of a "when".
I love my son on earth...with every single fiber in my soul.
I love my five heavenly angels, with those same fibers.

I'm coming to a place in my life where I know God CAN provide that miracle we still desire...but my heart, in all honesty...doesn't know if it has the faith that He will.
I'm sure that sounds completely UNfaithful, and I guess to an extend right now my faith is weary...so it's just where I am at right now.

Ever since Evan outgrew his exersaucer and swing (along with a few other items), those two particular items have been hanging over my head...LITERALLY!  We have had them stored in our back entry over our closet, and they literally hung out from the edge of the top storage space.
They have been there for years.  Always hanging over my head.
And for a while, during our FETs, I would look up and hope that one day soon we would be able to take those items down again, dust them off, and put them in to use.

That didn't turn out to be the case.

So, the other day I started doing the unthinkable.
I began to sort through baby items and clothes that I will be putting in to a consignment sale in our city in April.

Is my heart truly ready to part with these things?


Is my head?

I don't know.

Then why am I doing it?

I'm tired of living like this.
Of wishing, and hoping and praying.  Of begging, of pleading, of bartering.
I'm tired of feeling stuck in a place of questioning whether my faith isn't big enough, or maybe my hope is too niave.

I tend to rush in to things from time to time.  And then a while later wish I hadn't rushed so quickly.
But in this case...Evan will be FIVE in March.  We've struggled and prayed and hoped and have come close to seeing these items being dusted off and used, only to have it crush our hearts.

So it is time for me to start fully living in today.

We have no embryos left. 
We have said good bye to our dear fertility doctor and clinic.
We have donated my unused medications and packed away my huge file of correspondence with my clinic.
In this respect...there is no going back.  No "maybe next time".  

Do I still secretly hold in my heart that maybe, just maybe WE could be one of THOSE stories of a couple who experience a natural blessing by surprise?  
Yes.  I do.  I guess my heart just can't fully let go yet.
But I know it won't be through the gift of the world or ARTs.   Those days are done.  And my body is too tired.  I have put it through more than it's share of procedures, medications, manipulations, injections, blood draws and emotional highs and devastatingly painful lows.
But...I still hold the slightest glimmer of niave hope.

I'm learning that the word "when" can be a word that can both give you anticipated hope and drive, yet can also paralyze you from reaching past that exact "when" moment.

I've been in paralyzed mode for a while now.  It's time to move forward.
I want to embrace the life in front of me and ahead of me.
Not even just as a mother...but for ME.  
Though I do NOT want to face this, nor do I want to accept this...a time will indeed come when Evan won't need me like he does now.  And truly...I have no idea who I am outside of being the mom he needs.  For right now, that is ok.  I truly believe that is ok, because he needs me.  And I need him.
When the day comes when I know my place isn't front and center with him anymore...I need to have an idea of where I go from there.  So I suppose I am dabbling in exploring new adventures and possibilities for me.

The thought of the future both scares and excites me.  It fills me with pride, and with sadness to watch my tiny 2lb wonder grow up from me.
I see his little life and wonder...who is this precious boy going to be?  What will he do?  Where will he go?  Will I have done my job by instilling everything I hope he holds dear and true to his heart?  
Who will take the place of my hand in his?  Will she be good to him?  Will she respect and cherish him?  Will he treat her like the queen she should be in his life?  

This is all a bit heavy for my heart to write out early in the morning while I wait for Evan to wake up!

And I feel like my words are as scattered as my mind right now.

I don't mean to sound that every "when" moment has been a holding place for me.  No, not at all.  You need a few of those "when" moments to drive you.
It's just that now in this place in my life, I want some of those "when" moments to come to life.  And slowly...they will!  And that can be very exciting too.  Even if it means that the reason for why you were being held back from that moment (though prayerfully desired...the desire that maybe this would be the time you would have another living child) has not, and may never again happen.

So step one for me has been dealing with the baby items.  
I have a corner (ok, half of a room!!) starting to get organized with SOME of the items that I will be putting in to the consignment sale.
Should the time ever come where God completely shocks us with a natural surprise and another living child...then I now know where to go to buy gently used baby items! ;)
I have also gone through the OH SO MANY bins of Evan's clothes.  Some to hopefully pass on to my nephew's boys, and well...lets admit it...the majority of those clothes have been put back in their bins because I just can't let go yet.
Some items and clothes I am just not ready to let go of.  I told Brett to give me until I am 41 (which isn't that far away).  

An exciting "when" moment that Brett and I have talked about for SIXTEEN years (yes, 13 years of those have been because we have been so family-growing focused so that is where our money had to be allocated to.  Oh the joys of not being able to reproduce the good ol' fashioned way!) is that we have officially, and seriously begun preparations for a trip to Hawaii!!!!!  And THAT is exciting me BIG TIME!!  Evan asks every day "can we go to Hawaii on Tuesday?  I don't like being cold!"  I wish!!
But our trip won't be until 2015.  (is it bad that I'm excited for this year to fly by??!!)

I look back on the past 16 years of our marriage, and on our journey to have a family, and I see a lot of those "when" moments.
I do not regret putting many of those on hold.  Not for a moment.
Our focus to have a family was greater than all of those moments.
But I see now that there comes a time when you have to refocus and begin to move forward.
Right now I'm still in heel-dragging mode.  Though I'm only fresh off the ARTs wagon...and just over a year from the loss of our fifth Angel, Faith.  So, I don't feel the need to just instantly switch gears.  I'm not "there" ...yet.  And that is ok.  
I'm just realizing that I don't want to lose moments and adventures with my husband and son now.  And now that we are done with treatments, there truly is nothing holding us back. 

Life will always hold "when" moments...it's just that now those moments are starting to bring a new excitement.  Even if letting go and moving forward is like slowly ripping off a bandaide that has been there so long it has grown on to my body!

Here is to today!

Wishing you all a beautiful one!