tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9462442334767094672024-03-14T07:33:42.500-06:00Prayer and HopeHeatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15548473755870852203noreply@blogger.comBlogger298125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-946244233476709467.post-27826060216057273462014-09-09T16:36:00.001-06:002016-05-12T14:34:53.978-06:00A whole new world. Continuing the dance of joy and grief...<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjZgX8rlXqunJdfB2Yw2sbI02CXppPdp4I2Qs03qpxOsKX5DQDULbPrD4vFZX5YnA4mnT1hBhyKA8o8ioR64glsDj6dr2X6U2NwizcoaEEy9QLQiLQjf_AqtUTZhdoNQSr4UIb7LMwrgvw/s1600/Behind+every+child+quote.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjZgX8rlXqunJdfB2Yw2sbI02CXppPdp4I2Qs03qpxOsKX5DQDULbPrD4vFZX5YnA4mnT1hBhyKA8o8ioR64glsDj6dr2X6U2NwizcoaEEy9QLQiLQjf_AqtUTZhdoNQSr4UIb7LMwrgvw/s1600/Behind+every+child+quote.JPG" width="213" /></a></div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">First morning of Kindergarten!</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Another year without preparing Zac for school with his brother.<br />
Resting with an angel...</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiztxiRWSt2jyKCwovcgya3aw1TXS7Eza-0Mnv8XkOPwFWp7fS3GKXSOunagT21NkOrHePhW2tFIcGbx8qRJtydobDy-2-GtvD9ozDTCtX2-kgGEBgtZ2ofeV77AXnLvdha6VquQp3d3g0/s1600/Zac+window.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiztxiRWSt2jyKCwovcgya3aw1TXS7Eza-0Mnv8XkOPwFWp7fS3GKXSOunagT21NkOrHePhW2tFIcGbx8qRJtydobDy-2-GtvD9ozDTCtX2-kgGEBgtZ2ofeV77AXnLvdha6VquQp3d3g0/s1600/Zac+window.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The window...</td></tr>
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<i><span style="color: blue;">"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future..." - Jeremiah 29:11</span></i></div>
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<span style="color: blue;">So many of us are so familiar with this verse. </span></div>
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<span style="color: blue;">It is a staple. </span></div>
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<span style="color: blue;">It carries us through many times of questions and doubts, giving hope to the weary.</span></div>
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<span style="color: blue;">KINDERGARTEN!!!! A whole new chapter, a whole new world! A new school. New friends and teacher. New surroundings. New life lessons and time to grow.</span></div>
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<span style="color: blue;">My 2lb wonder is now in Kindergarten three full days a week.</span></div>
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<span style="color: blue;">And this momma's heart is just NOT ready. </span></div>
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<span style="color: blue;">Not ready to let go of the little hand that so often grabs mine for assurance and safety. Now it is me that wants to grab HIS little hand for assurance and to feel those little fingers in my hand.</span></div>
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<span style="color: blue;">I know every parent surely goes through these emotions. These new waters and a whole new world of territory unexplored up to this point. </span></div>
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<span style="color: blue;">And for the experienced parent with multiple children going through school, this may make you nod your head as you remember back to your own experience(s).</span></div>
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<span style="color: blue;">The first of lasts. </span></div>
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<span style="color: blue;">The difference for me as a parent with an only child (not by choice) is that these moments TRULY ARE first of lasts.</span></div>
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<span style="color: blue;">This summer so much really hit home to me. </span></div>
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<span style="color: blue;">July 6th came and went. My due date with Faith. Also the birth dates of two of my nephews (cousins, not brothers). This year Faith would have turned 1. This year I "should be" chasing after a little one year old while I drop her big brother off at school. She "should be" blowing kisses to her big brother as we leave him at school.</span></div>
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<span style="color: blue;">This is also yet another year of preparing one of my sons for school...knowing that Zac will never carry a back pack that I've prepared for him. I won't be ushering both of my boys in to their class together. I won't be watching them stand side by side in the security of the other while they face a whole new world. I won't be hearing the events of the day from both of their perspectives.</span></div>
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<span style="color: blue;">And again, I will be asked the infamous question by families who we are new to: "so, do you have any other children?"</span></div>
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<span style="color: blue;">I hadn't been to the cemetery for a few months, so I decided to go have a visit while laying by Zac's head stone. Ya, the picture may seem depressing to some...but to me...that was my resting place where I could look up to the sky and just talk with my boy. With all my babes. Where I could just be at peace and just soak up all that this year will bring for Evan, and for all that I need to focus on.</span></div>
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<span style="color: blue;">I smiled as I laid by my boy's resting place. And just loved on him.</span></div>
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<span style="color: blue;">As I type this I am anxiously awaiting for the next 6 minutes to pass until I can go pick Evan up from school!! </span></div>
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<span style="color: blue;">Today was his first FULL day. He even stayed for lunch as they had a special hot lunch for the school (though I DID go and hang out with him during that!).</span></div>
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<span style="color: blue;">And how eerily odd it is to walk in to my quiet house. </span></div>
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<span style="color: blue;">Change...I don't always deal well with it!</span></div>
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<span style="color: blue;">I have to share about a special experience I DID have on one of Evan's first half days at school. Last week he had two half days as the teacher likes to ease them in to the year.</span></div>
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<span style="color: blue;">The very first morning I dropped Evan off...I struggled. </span></div>
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<span style="color: blue;">I came home to my quiet house and opened up my windows and my patio door. NOW, I've ALWAYS opened my patio door wide for the past 4 years and for the first time ever...a tiny little bird flew right IN TO MY HOUSE!!</span></div>
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<span style="color: blue;">And the part that broke me down was that this tiny bird flew DIRECTLY to the window that holds special memory items for Zac. Now, my house has MANY windows. That bird could have flown to ANY of them. But for some reason it chose that very special window.</span><br />
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<span style="color: blue;">I quickly said a prayer asking God to help me catch this tiny thing without causing it any harm. Then I went through my main floor and shut all the doors, then I put Nash in his kennel.</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">I grabbed one of Evan's soft blankets, climbed on to my couch and very slowly started to move the pictures from the window sill. </span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">I was able to lay the blanket over the bird while it fluttered in to my hands and went to my patio, opened the blanket and away the bird flew.</span><br />
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<span style="color: blue;">The moment I walked back in to my house I burst in to tears.</span><br />
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<span style="color: blue;">The irony! </span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">This tiny fragile bird flies to that very special place where my tiny fragile son is remembered.</span><br />
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<span style="color: blue;">I know that bird wasn't the spirit of Zac or anything like that. But the whole think made me think about how we had to gently and lovingly say good bye to Zac in while he "flew home" to heaven from my arms.</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">We had to love that fragile failing body enough to let him stop hurting.</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">We had to let him fly.</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">I had friends share that they believed God used this moment, and this bird to speak to me. To let me know that Zac is free. </span><br />
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<span style="color: blue;">Being that this all happened Evan's first day of Kindergarten, it also made me realize that I had to let go of that tiny hand that has trusted me. I had to watched him march in to his class, and then I had to turn and leave him. Entrusting him to his teacher and the school. </span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">I can't do everything for him. </span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">I have to let him grow and flourish as he should.</span><br />
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<span style="color: blue;">I have to let him fly as well.</span><br />
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<span style="color: blue;">Don't get me wrong...I'm kicking and screaming the whole way! To have my buddy at school three days where I'm used to our care free days together...oh my. This is NO easy task.</span><br />
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<span style="color: blue;">So many first of lasts. So many new experience. So much for both Evan and I to learn! </span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">We couldn't be more proud of our boy! </span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">And I know without a doubt that he will flourish and grow and expand all around. </span><br />
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<span style="color: blue;">Well, during tying this I went to pick Evan up from school. He had a great day and proudly announced to me "I can do EVERYTHING by myself!"</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">I know my sweet boy...it's just that I still want to help with some things! ;)</span><br />
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<span style="color: blue;">Each new phase of life is scary yet exciting. </span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">It is always wrapped in joy and in sorrow. </span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">It always will.</span><br />
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<span style="color: blue;">Just because my joy is evident and present, it does not mean that my heart is "all better", and that I don't agonize every single day about the "what should have been" moments.</span><br />
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<span style="color: blue;">Of course I have great pride in Evan and who is becoming. </span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">But don't kid yourself...my joy and pride does not mean that I don't miss Zac and each of our babies every single day. </span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">I am trying. I am learning how to carry those emotions and feelings inside of me. </span><br />
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<span style="color: blue;">Grief is one of those "darned if you don't, darned if you do" type situations.</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">If you laugh and smile people assume you are dealing well and moving on and getting on with life without your loved one.</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">If you show pain and shed tears or just have a tough day you feel like others are thinking "why isn't she just moving on and being grateful for what and who she has".</span><br />
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<span style="color: blue;">Grief has no 12 step program. OK...so, technically I know steps are out there in dealing with grief. But come on...everyone has to take their own steps.</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">Grief is grief. Time may pass. Smiles and laughter may become more seen than the tears. But never mistake that grief is a permanent and tender part of a persons life. Those of us dealing with loss have to relearn so many parts of life and ourselves.</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">Walk with someone who is grieving. Don't try to "fix" things and slam them with the standard bible verses or cliche pick-me-ups. Rather, just sit in silence and listen. Speak their loved ones name. Be patient with them. Just love us. Love us unconditionally and remember that our grief doesn't just end weeks after a funeral. Remember that our lives have changed drastically and life isn't moving on as usual. We are sorting through the mess of it all. Just be present and patient.</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">In my case, remember that every time I look at Evan...I see the place where his twin brother is missing. It doesn't mean my heart isn't full of pride, gratitude and love for Evan. It just means that it holds equally the emotion of pain and sorrow and missing Zac.</span><br />
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<span style="color: blue;">This new chapter of Evan in Kindergarten is so bitter-sweet for me.</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">I am working to make it the BEST experience for both of us.</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">And since it is both our first and last experiences with Kindergarten...I want to make it memorable. Special. Exciting. Cherished.</span><br />
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<span style="color: blue;">I want Evan to grow socially, academically, personally, physically. I want him to have a good experience with a solid foundation of enjoying the experience (and reality) of many years of school.</span><br />
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<span style="color: blue;">I pray daily for his protection. For his understanding. For his independence. For the friendships that will be created. For his character. For his HEALTH (my oh my...how a preemie mom never stops worrying about this one). </span><br />
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<span style="color: blue;">I am excited to see how he will grow. How we will BOTH grow!</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">This is not just a time for change for Evan, but for me as well.</span><br />
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<span style="color: blue;">Who am I now?!! </span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">Who am I to become through these new years of school?!</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">What is my new role to look like?!</span><br />
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<span style="color: blue;">Many changes for both of us! </span><br />
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<span style="color: blue;">I think this is such a cool verse for kids and young people. Especially with a new school year starting.</span><br />
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<i><span style="color: blue;">"Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity." - 1 Timothy 4:12</span></i></div>
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<span style="color: blue;">Well, on that note, I should get on to making supper. Evan is off to gymnastics tonight. I do believe he is going to sleep well tonight!! Thank goodness tomorrow is a no-school day for him! </span></div>
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<span style="color: blue;">Here's to a new year, and all that God has in store for us!!</span></div>
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<span style="color: blue;">Blessings!</span></div>
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Heatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15548473755870852203noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-946244233476709467.post-15492449491528641282014-07-20T08:50:00.005-06:002014-07-20T08:50:52.189-06:00Summer fun...<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Wow, I really tend to go in spurts now. </span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">However, life is changing. Peoples focus change too. And to many, this blog was to follow my journey while in the hospital before having Zac and Evan, and then all that came after.</span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Then in changed to our further attempts with FETs and our further losses, either with a negative result, or miscarriage.</span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Now that the treatments are all over, and now that life has shifted so drastically from that focus...this blog is changing too.</span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">It will forever remain a place I divulge my struggles with missing Zac and raising a twinless twin, Evan. It will be my place of talk of our other heavenly babes. It remains a place where I tenderly admit hopes and dreams of miracles. It will always be a place where I showcase my precious Evan.</span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">But it is changing. And so has the following. And I know to expect that.</span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">So, if anyone still follows along...here is an update for you all ;)</span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Life has been busy this past year. </span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Evan was in preschool and completed that. I didn't think I would get so teary eyed at his graduation...but tears did roll down my cheeks. For a few reasons.</span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">I saw my little boy marching in with his class and my mind flipped back to the first time I saw him in NICU. That tiny 2lb body, so frail, skin hanging on bones...yet already you could see the fight in his spirit.</span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">And on graduation day there he was. My "just under" 40lb boy...so grown up. Marching, performing, singing and laughing with his classmates.</span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">The pride in me was overwhelming. It still is as I sit here getting all misty eyed :)</span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">It was a bitter-sweet day as well, as Evan had twins in his class. Watching those two boys stand side by side, and watching the bond...my heart couldn't help but ache and go to that "what should have been" place.</span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">My Evan and Zac should be side by side...</span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">All in all it was a really sweet day! I'm on a new laptop now, so I don't have a lot of my pictures on here yet otherwise I would be adding those as well to this post! </span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">We have been busy with swimming lessons and gymnastics as well.</span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Still working on those swimming lessons. The gymnastics have been a hit! He loves that! But who doesn't love running around, tumbling and feeling like you are learning the moves of a Super Hero! I just love watching his interaction with the other kids and his teacher, and watching his courage and self-confidence grow. And it is pretty darn good for those coordination skills too!</span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">The swimming has become quite funny. He is certainly getting more brave and willing to do more. He is has still been not so fond of putting his whole head in the water. However, we went to my sister-in-laws sister's home a few weeks ago and she has a swimming pool and diving board. Well, buy the end of our day Evan couldn't be pried from that diving board! He LOOOOOOOVES jumping off...over, and over, and over. By himself. Of course...with his life jacket on. So the head in the water thing apparently doesn't apply when he is having so much fun jumping off the diving board!!</span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">It was SO much fun for me to watch! (man, I really need to put my pictures in order so I can add these things to this!)</span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">We were also away at the lake for a week this month. Lets just say...my version of camping includes our trailer with a kitchen, microwave, a/c, heat, and bathroom! YES...now I will camp ANY time!! </span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">And that is where the above pictures come from. Brett took some for me of Evan and I. I realised I am forever BEHIND the camera, so I got Brett to put on his photography skills and take some for me. And he did a FANTASTIC job! </span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">We had Nash with us too, and he did great. His allergies seemed to be a bit more calm...except for the insane reactions to the INSANE mosquitoe bites. Poor guy! But he did really good! It was fun to have him with us! </span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Brett drove pulling our trailer, and I drove pulling our boat. I was a bit nervous at first, but quickly found my comfort and confidence in my pulling ability. </span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">I wasn't too pumped about driving separately as that is when we seem to work out all our plans and talk our ears off...but we still managed some conversation with walkie talkies! Evan quite enjoyed chatting with daddy on that too.</span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">That has been our summer for the most part. Still some to go...and desperately hanging on to every sunny, warm day. I can't believe how fast it goes! </span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Another round of camping ahead of us still, and looking forward to that! </span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">I've also started with a new (to me) health system called Isagenix. I've known of the name as I've been on one of their cleanse products before, but I never knew of the whole system and the MANY awesome products and health benefits. I have always tried to be a healthy person and eat right and exercise...but after I got sick in March my energy level took a MASSIVE blow. To the point where I could barely function without wanting to cry at every move. I couldn't even face my beloved workouts any more. </span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">I started with the system, and I am just floored by the increase in my energy and health. And my workouts are back in full swing, and muscle tone...YAH! It's coming back. Even my forever struggle with my post baby belly (albeit 5 years later) has seen some improvement. </span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">As someone who has struggled with my own body image since I was a younger girl, but full blown in highschool...I knew I had to be careful. I didn't want this to become an obsession and a "game" to see how much weight I could lose. So I've had to be careful with that, and I'm learning how to adapt the system to my life and my personal goals. But I am thrilled with finding my energy, which my energy level was the whole goal (the inches lost have just been an added bonus!)</span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Though let me say...I "fell off the wagon" a wee bit at the lake with not being able to get in my daily usual workout, and treated myself a couple times to a few out of the norm snacks...and my oh my...did I ever feel it! I felt HORRIBLE!!</span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">However, you still have to live and enjoy the odd treat! Or it just becomes another strict "you can't do that" so set yourself up to fail program. </span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Bottom line though...I am really pleased!</span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">I was going to go and get all deep now, but I think I will save that for another day. I'll just leave this one as an update of general life. </span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">I have lots rumbling in my mind these days, and new realities of what it means to have your son start to really feel the impact of the twin brother he feels missing at his side. </span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">If I start that...this post will turn in to a novel.</span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">I am loving my summer.</span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">I am cherishing my moments with Evan and Brett.</span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">I am holding on to these moments of having Evan with me every day...as the reality of kindergarten begins in September (that will be a whole new blogging topic!).</span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Stay tuned for future posts...I'm not gone. </span> </div>
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<br />Heatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15548473755870852203noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-946244233476709467.post-5050747886431929272014-05-07T16:05:00.002-06:002014-05-07T16:05:58.170-06:00Our final good bye to our sweet Bailey girl.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Sweet Bailey Girl</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Our last day together. Snuggles, love and a whole lot of agonizing tears.<br />
How do you prepare to say good bye to your best friend?</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Bailey<br />
February 25, 2004 - April 15, 2014<br />
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<span style="color: #a64d79; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>How do you say, "ok...it is time". </i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #a64d79; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i><br /></i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #a64d79; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>I hate that saying. </i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #a64d79; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>I hate having to make that horrid decision.</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #a64d79; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>I hate saying good bye.</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #a64d79; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>My very best friend in the whole world...my dog, Bailey. And I had to admit it on the DAY BEFORE my birthday..."we can't let her hurt any more".</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #a64d79; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>Bailey had been doing REALLY good once we got her on a pain med after being diagnosed with bone cancer in March. Really good!</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #a64d79; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>So much so that she would get a spurt of puppy-energy and would race around the back yard.</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #a64d79; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>She never showed pain. Ever. </i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #a64d79; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>Just love, kisses and her infamous Bailey-affection.</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #a64d79; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>My girl was certainly a lover!</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #a64d79; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>April 13th, she was fine. Totally fine.</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #a64d79; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>I let her outside. She went down the deck to the yard. And when she came up to the patio door, my heart sank. Actually...it broke to a million pieces.</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #a64d79; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>My sweet girl must have tried to have a spurt of her energy, and she must have slipped on remaining ice in the back yard...and she hurt herself. She couldn't put ANY pressure on her leg. THE leg. The leg with the bone cancer.</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #a64d79; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>I cried.</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #a64d79; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>I knew.</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #a64d79; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>And I cried.</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #a64d79; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>The day before my birthday, it was more than obvious. And I just could NOT let my best friend hurt any longer. She still didn't complain, but her leg and chest kept swelling, and she couldn't walk on her leg. She was panting harder. And never leaving my side.</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #a64d79; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>That morning Brett and I agreed...it was time.</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #a64d79; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>That afternoon I left Evan with my mom so that I could spend the whole afternoon with Bailey and Nash. Just soaking in every last sloppy kiss from her, and ever snuggle as she laid on my lap.</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #a64d79; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>Just soaking in every last minute with the friend who saved me. Who carried me through so many dark days. Who loved me through my saddest moments. Who would come searching for me in the house when I would take a moment to have a break down...and would just watch me, and stay loyally by my side until I could gather myself again.</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #a64d79; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>Bailey was such an amazing and unique dog. She was our family. She was my girl. </i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #a64d79; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>I feel lost without her. And there is a hole where she has always been.</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #a64d79; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i><br /></i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #a64d79; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>It was hard to watch Nash trying to figure out where Bailey was. He would search for her. He would be so excited when we would come home, and then lay on his pillow when Bailey wasn't there to follow us inside.</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #a64d79; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i><br /></i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #a64d79; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>Bailey had a very special place in our hearts. </i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #a64d79; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>As Brett and I left the vet after saying good bye to our girl, I confided that saying good bye to Bailey was like a final good bye to such a trying time in our lives...trying to build our family and through all of our losses.</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #a64d79; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>I was relieved to hear I wasn't the only one feeling that. I wasn't sounding crazy.</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #a64d79; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i><br /></i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #a64d79; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>I miss my girl so very much. </i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #a64d79; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>I had hoped for at least the summer with her.</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #a64d79; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>I wanted one more walk in the park with her, one more boat ride (she LOVED boat rides), one more camping trip.</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #a64d79; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i><br /></i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #a64d79; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>Even though I miss her so very much, I am so very grateful for the loving friend she was to me. For the way she saved me from many dark days of loss and sadness. For the way she would keep licking away my tears until I couldn't help but laugh and smile.</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #a64d79; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>I'm grateful for the memories of my boating buddy, and will miss her desperately this summer on our special spot on the boat. I miss walking with her. I miss her climbing up to sit on my lap.</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #a64d79; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>I miss seeing her face looking out the window as I drove up to the house.</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #a64d79; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>I miss her calm and loving personality.</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #a64d79; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i><br /></i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #a64d79; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>I miss my best fur-girl, but am so grateful for every year that we had with her.</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #a64d79; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>We never thought we'd have our 10 years as she went through such a rough start as a puppy. </i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #a64d79; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>I know that she was worth it all.</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #a64d79; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>She was definitely meant for our family.</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #a64d79; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i><br /></i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #a64d79; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>I love you sweet Bailey girl. You are forever in my heart!!!!</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #a64d79; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>Thank you for the awesome friend you were to me!!</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #a64d79; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i><br /></i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #a64d79; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>Many have said that they truly feel that our animals have a special place in heaven.</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #a64d79; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>I want to believe that, because my sweet girl deserves one of the best spots in heaven! </i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #a64d79; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>And maybe one day she will meet me once again! </i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #a64d79; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i><br /></i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #a64d79; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>RIP my Bailey</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #a64d79; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>February 25, 2004 - April 15, 2014</i></span></div>
Heatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15548473755870852203noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-946244233476709467.post-52383948049473544692014-03-26T08:08:00.000-06:002014-03-26T08:08:33.644-06:00Oh how he makes my heart sing!!<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiR31_VYZcmbdnfMAjLKsmZR30S6rvPefeusK_wBWpM3U78KTKgIUsZ_T5vg-dwg02cvZqVduoL0Vus1KwqaMaX-RgFRFgyDj3GJOYMTaKMUXpj62uyXu4c8WfJMrR-HnYdIW7feUAiTXQ/s1600/051.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiR31_VYZcmbdnfMAjLKsmZR30S6rvPefeusK_wBWpM3U78KTKgIUsZ_T5vg-dwg02cvZqVduoL0Vus1KwqaMaX-RgFRFgyDj3GJOYMTaKMUXpj62uyXu4c8WfJMrR-HnYdIW7feUAiTXQ/s1600/051.JPG" height="213" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">One of my first gifts as a new mom</td></tr>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg9cEF-L4oJOIxXn5v6fVzhY0nhSyPz5gkajsSw4sNiOFMZq0pmdLkyFt_aWgBz8zlYHvTD49M1ZQH38onOSXQdQVOOEjPP7rf20YKT_YrGfywAk1dEJ9WHxbqUqe1doMBpoNZvA3Seeq0/s1600/055.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg9cEF-L4oJOIxXn5v6fVzhY0nhSyPz5gkajsSw4sNiOFMZq0pmdLkyFt_aWgBz8zlYHvTD49M1ZQH38onOSXQdQVOOEjPP7rf20YKT_YrGfywAk1dEJ9WHxbqUqe1doMBpoNZvA3Seeq0/s1600/055.JPG" height="213" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td></tr>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiGsRREnHbSG_P7e_AM53okSlXTrmvyqWWSnjtBB4fDLTBiMwYUXmcBJEwXsEaW03NLRtACDxS0HQ7V75RvgiLIJpmPhGSrCZkp2N3DfxG5oaf2RqLZQj6ShkPRwSePTn90vs-XFg7ZnMg/s1600/Oh+my+heart+2.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiGsRREnHbSG_P7e_AM53okSlXTrmvyqWWSnjtBB4fDLTBiMwYUXmcBJEwXsEaW03NLRtACDxS0HQ7V75RvgiLIJpmPhGSrCZkp2N3DfxG5oaf2RqLZQj6ShkPRwSePTn90vs-XFg7ZnMg/s1600/Oh+my+heart+2.JPG" height="213" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Styling his new hat that he sweet-talked Grandma in to buying. (It really WAS a good purchase!!)</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhsnfcsvxLyCsgpaK8OAdQg5HNlb16ePgY_7PTwRG0OZt_wvnbZh2RCLQ_p8gaLfgukHdSVjOrRuH45-KmHBcyW3Y0eeEzn-67iPvXzuewoBrKN2O92CmGAnqj_zr9dUQionVROyq7LkXM/s1600/Oh+my+heart.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhsnfcsvxLyCsgpaK8OAdQg5HNlb16ePgY_7PTwRG0OZt_wvnbZh2RCLQ_p8gaLfgukHdSVjOrRuH45-KmHBcyW3Y0eeEzn-67iPvXzuewoBrKN2O92CmGAnqj_zr9dUQionVROyq7LkXM/s1600/Oh+my+heart.JPG" height="213" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Oh how this boy makes my heart sing!!<br /></td></tr>
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<span style="color: #4c1130; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>New Mom</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #4c1130; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>You have been blessed by the unfolding of a greater plan with a new life. May love guide you every day, and remind you that the bond you have found is everlasting.</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #4c1130; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i><br /></i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #4c1130; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i><br /></i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #20124d; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>I've always loved the gift I received when I opened this mug from a friend of mine.</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #20124d; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>Yes, it brought with it that newly aching "bitter-sweet". Though, the saying fits for each of my children. </i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #20124d; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>I am bonded to EACH of my children, and that bond truly is everlasting! </i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #20124d; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i><br /></i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #20124d; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>I still drink from that mug, as many times I feel very much like a New Mom.</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #20124d; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>New with each new year and new "personality-reaching" of my son, and exploring who he is.</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #20124d; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>And some times I wonder if I have any idea what I am doing, or if I am doing things well enough for him.</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #20124d; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>In those moments of self-doubt I look at that mug and read the back of it, and I look at my sweet boy's face and I think to myself "we are forever bonded together, and no matter what life brings...I will never stop loving you! As long as I'm living, my baby you'll be!"</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #20124d; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i><br /></i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #20124d; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>Every day I have those mommy-guilt moments. </i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #20124d; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>While rushing to get dinner made, or my house tidied up, or laundry done...and I see my son playing by himself or watching a movie alone...my heart rips in to a million pieces.</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #20124d; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>A) I see those moments and my heart breaks knowing he was not meant to be alone</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #20124d; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>B) In those moments I loathe the fact that I just have to do what I am doing </i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #20124d; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>C) I know children need to know how to entertain themselves</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #20124d; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>D) I can't beat myself up EVERY SINGLE TIME something needs to be done</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #20124d; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i><br /></i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #20124d; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>I get those moments where I wonder if Evan will one day realize just <u>how</u> very much I love him. Not that I'm just telling him over and over (and over and over) my love for him.</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #20124d; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>I wonder if his life is full enough by what we do together.</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #20124d; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>I wonder if he will grow to feel like life was just missing something...or should I say, someone.</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #20124d; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i><br /></i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #20124d; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>And then I realize that the enemy wants to make me doubt myself, and question more than I should. He makes me want to live with this never-ending fear of not filling Evan's life enough. To make me live in torment by what we could not control and fix.</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #20124d; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>To take away my time with Evan by filling time with doubt and fears.</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #20124d; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i><br /></i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #20124d; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i><u>This</u> is what I know...</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #20124d; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>I love my son more than my own life.</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #20124d; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>I will always stop what I am doing to look my son in the eye as he recites his favorite part from his Batman Movie.</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #20124d; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>The cleaning can wait one hour.</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #20124d; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>Supper will get made. There is peanut butter and bread to tie us over if supper is delayed.</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #20124d; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>I might not be able to spend every single minute entertaining Evan, but I will soak up the time we do spend together. </i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #20124d; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>I will do my best to stop beating myself up, so that I CAN truly enjoy each day with Evan.</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #20124d; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>I am okay with hearing Evan reply "You already said that to me mom" when I tell him a zillion times a day how much I love him, and how proud I am of who he is.</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #20124d; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>I will never stop hugging my son.</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #20124d; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>I will take the time to play Lego games with Evan.</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #20124d; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>I will not let the perfectionist in me cringe and take over when Evan is helping me bake banana bread and the ingredients go flying out of the bowl as he stirs.</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #20124d; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>I lay in bed with him those extra moments when he says "but we JUST started snuggling mommy!"</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #20124d; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>I will embrace those moments of frustration I may feel as he tests boundaries and "attitudes", and I will help to guide him through to understand what is (and is not) acceptable behavior. </i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #20124d; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i><br /></i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #20124d; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>But I will NOT doubt his love for me.</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #20124d; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>And I will NOT doubt my love for him, and that I am doing the very best I know how.</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #20124d; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>I will accept that I will fail time to time.</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #20124d; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>I will have to get that dinner in the oven on time.</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #20124d; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>I will have to take moments to clean our home.</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #20124d; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>I will have to watch Evan entertain himself while I do these things.</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #20124d; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>But I will stop beating myself up.</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #20124d; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>I will stop thinking I am not enough for him.</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #20124d; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i><br /></i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #20124d; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>I will look in to that precious little face, feel our everlasting bond...and hear the song that my heart sings every time I look at him!</i></span></div>
Heatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15548473755870852203noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-946244233476709467.post-90777013747042146852014-03-19T08:43:00.000-06:002014-03-19T08:44:07.897-06:00Hanging my head. Now, to lift it back up!<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjqOYM1oW2PPSVlqWl86FNicYjaCjaA99x8c41mzjs8OsXVuPL9KhC0a1GLZcHhUSuyDG9ecwHfF_tKihIlQiV9e2Y2muL4TTpmz3WMcUezD1fzv66dBjgaxdLx-mkmhW_oYp8KV0DEh5g/s1600/452.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjqOYM1oW2PPSVlqWl86FNicYjaCjaA99x8c41mzjs8OsXVuPL9KhC0a1GLZcHhUSuyDG9ecwHfF_tKihIlQiV9e2Y2muL4TTpmz3WMcUezD1fzv66dBjgaxdLx-mkmhW_oYp8KV0DEh5g/s1600/452.JPG" height="320" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Love this girl!!</td></tr>
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<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>It's strange...you get a sad diagnosis of someone you love (even a pet), and it changes things. Yet it also helps you realize other things.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>Since Bailey's bone cancer diagnosis she was prescribed a pain medication that is obviously doing it's job, because it is like nothing is wrong with my girl any more!! She barely limps! We've been going for walks, and enjoying the sun when it shines.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>And it makes it tricky not to think "maybe the vet was wrong?! Maybe they interpreted the X-ray wrong? Maybe there was something wrong with the machine?" </i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>Good grief...I was misdiagnosed when I was in grade 12!! I was told I didn't have a broken wrist, and for the next three months I walked around in pain with a tensor bandage. Then I went to MY doctor who did another X-ray and I get a phone call from her saying "Just exactly WHO said you didn't have a broken wrist?? It IS broken, but now it is too late to re-set it!" Physio it was for me.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>So...it CAN happen!!</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>However, I know. I know I'm just in my denial stage. </i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>Yesterday I started to think a bit more clearly though. </i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>I realized something that I am not too proud of.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>I have put more emotion and love in to my sweet Fur-Girl than I have...God.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>I realized that I associate Bailey to my healing and my comforting than I do my own God.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>Maybe because I can see Bailey looking in to my eyes. Maybe because I can feel her head on my lap when my tears are pouring. Maybe because she is physically present, and I can cling on to her when I feel like I am going to break.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>I felt my head begin to hang in shame when I realized it is GOD who I should be putting my everything in to. It is His word I should be running to in times of fear, sadness, loneliness. It is HIS arms I should be wrapping myself in. I should be surrounding myself with His presence. </i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>I always THINK that I do that...but I don't.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>I started hearing myself saying "I don't know how I'm going to face the future without Bailey. I don't know how I'm going to say good bye. I don't know what I'll do without her to comfort me."</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>Oh my. </i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>Yes, I adore my Bailey girl. I believe God placed her (like many other people) in my life for a reason. We almost didn't buy Bailey...twice, as a puppy. And yet we did. She almost didn't survive her puppy life...but we are crazy enough to pour money in to our pets to try to save them. And she survived. She has been a good friend. </i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>But she shouldn't be higher on my comforter's list than God. And I put her there.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>I guess many times I felt betrayed by God. Like He didn't hear me. Like He wouldn't help me. And I pushed Him away, and clung on to my dog.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>I placed her higher.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>I don't want to say good bye to my Bailey, but it will happen.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>I won't have her to cling to. I won't have her to lick my tears away. I won't have her head on my lap to comfort me and let me know things will be okay.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>But I have a God who wants to love me sooooo much more. To comfort me endlessly. To wipe away my tears. To wrap His arms around my heart.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>A God who will never leave me.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>It's moments, even odd ones like this, where we realize how easy it can be to push God away because maybe He doesn't seem tangible in the physical sense. Yet...He is there! It is us who silence Him. It is us who push Him away. And then we wonder why we can't hear Him.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>My bible sits, unopened.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>His loving words are right there.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>His guidance and encouragement and teachings are RIGHT THERE.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>And I keep my bible closed because I feel like it hurts too much not to be able to understand certain "why's" in life. I excuse myself by saying I don't WANT to be confused and upset with God, and certain passages do just that to me. Instead of trying harder to learn, and be taught. I sit, stubborn.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>And then I wonder why.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>February 13th a friend of my parents passed away from cancer.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>February 14th my mom's brother passed away from cancer.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>Just over a week ago, another family friend passed away from cancer.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>Cancer, cancer, cancer. </i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>And now my dog has bone cancer.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>I'm tired of cancer.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>I'm also finding that these situations are creating great anxiety in me.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>I'm feeling anxious about loved ones health. </i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>I worry about my son and my husband.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>I worry about my family.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>I know I am not to worry and not to fear. And I really have to work on this, because I know how well worry and I get along (dripping in sarcasm).</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>So I will refocus, and remember this:</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid". John 14:27</i></span>Heatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15548473755870852203noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-946244233476709467.post-59613834355889546142014-03-14T16:57:00.002-06:002014-03-14T16:58:53.648-06:00The beginning of good bye to my dearest friend...<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgWwIXrKCsgKFs8Mj2U7HBvotQvpr-qUdzOQ21thRAv9Me8kzIw7Wygyoqi6L8lIq40tpsFlgb-Q5c9hkP_jNMTc77MbYtUP3Fv2Oj7LAMuniz8SpktmsrVDgUiLo-E1e6joLpRyQcpq1c/s1600/Sad+day.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgWwIXrKCsgKFs8Mj2U7HBvotQvpr-qUdzOQ21thRAv9Me8kzIw7Wygyoqi6L8lIq40tpsFlgb-Q5c9hkP_jNMTc77MbYtUP3Fv2Oj7LAMuniz8SpktmsrVDgUiLo-E1e6joLpRyQcpq1c/s1600/Sad+day.JPG" height="320" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Some sunny snuggles after receiving my fur-girl's news</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiESoegpn5oRgArpU5sb0BwxaVqy36WBfmZQjuYReapKSYrlYMsI7aXCzEw_DcId1aW2swWJwtR6OvmszZs0avUu7GBf1-dvqOI5I90W-BvBLWs0SQ4OJeSc021XEF74F088j7L5o5hNiM/s1600/My+sweet+friend.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiESoegpn5oRgArpU5sb0BwxaVqy36WBfmZQjuYReapKSYrlYMsI7aXCzEw_DcId1aW2swWJwtR6OvmszZs0avUu7GBf1-dvqOI5I90W-BvBLWs0SQ4OJeSc021XEF74F088j7L5o5hNiM/s1600/My+sweet+friend.JPG" height="320" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">My best friend ever!</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj_gBOOBpMYJhCGVcC715M9OeYDEPku_ZtUo1lOwbrCoap365d7vPA7HnWg4ETlQgP5OEwqNTCqPMBtn-90I1iN_lKcbPdFPFxxGw-zYE8uSh9J0kc8xAcPJyzsepRzA-UFBGfpcR2Ml4s/s1600/Always+making+sure+I+am+ok.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj_gBOOBpMYJhCGVcC715M9OeYDEPku_ZtUo1lOwbrCoap365d7vPA7HnWg4ETlQgP5OEwqNTCqPMBtn-90I1iN_lKcbPdFPFxxGw-zYE8uSh9J0kc8xAcPJyzsepRzA-UFBGfpcR2Ml4s/s1600/Always+making+sure+I+am+ok.JPG" height="320" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Still always making sure I'M ok!</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgi_t9Ml7GcuvvOCWrL_CIWgxE6Lou4_4P2OJs_GSs5aEQfc6UrG7yDfDLyVxhH9aqXZwIbRAxhGiekeinloAzvEW2DHcad-ZO7qTAhevR6_mbvLdcvBicAFMoawno4IN2wD4hn1lk6yE4/s1600/Precious+girl.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgi_t9Ml7GcuvvOCWrL_CIWgxE6Lou4_4P2OJs_GSs5aEQfc6UrG7yDfDLyVxhH9aqXZwIbRAxhGiekeinloAzvEW2DHcad-ZO7qTAhevR6_mbvLdcvBicAFMoawno4IN2wD4hn1lk6yE4/s1600/Precious+girl.JPG" height="320" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">How do you begin to say good bye to another part of our your life?!</td></tr>
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<span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>My sweet Bailey has been limping off and on for a while now. </i></span><br />
<span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>I had hoped it would just be arthritis, or making a sprained muscle/joint.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>Yet, deep inside...I had another feeling...</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>The vet began her examination. Checking range of motion...perfect. And then starting to work her way down Bailey's legs and joints. And on the leg she has been favoring...there it was. The yelp. And Bailey never yelps unless she is truly sore. She never shows signs of discomfort, because she is always so busy being so darn happy and loving.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>Bailey has never EVER shown a grumpy bone in her body EVER. </i></span><br />
<span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>For all my girl has ever been through due to poor breeding issues, and the many times she endured painful treatments...she never stopped loving and being the most beautifully tempered dog I've ever known.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>The vet hoped that where she showed the sign of discomfort would be good news. She hoped it would be related to the joint and possibly arthritis. But I agreed to an X-ray to be sure.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>The vet tech brought Bailey back, who was so stressed and just crammed right up to my side.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>The vet came back in...and I knew. And there it was...the line I hate hearing more than ANYTHING in this world: "I'm so sorry, it's not the news I had hoped to tell you."</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>And I knew. This was the beginning of good bye. My girl has bone cancer.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>And I haven't been able to stop crying since. </i></span><br />
<span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>I know many people think, "oh who cares?! It is just a dog!"</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>Well, this dog is more than that.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>This dog NEVER left my side for WEEKS and months after my first miscarriage. She laid on my lap while I was frozen to my couch day and night. She licked my tears that wouldn't end. She would look in to my eyes like she knew my pain, and all she wanted to do was take it away.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>When I ended up the hospital for 5 weeks after PROM with Zac...she stuck to me like glue when I got to come home for my 5 hour daily passes. And when I came home without either of my sons...one still fighting in NICU, the other passed to heaven...my sweet Bailey once again took her post by my side.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>She watched over Evan like he was a piece of glass. She loved him, and would walk so nicely beside my and the stroller. Almost like SHE was the proud momma!!</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>She has comforted me through negative embryo transfers. She has comforted me through our last miscarriage. She has laid by my side and rested her head on my lap, and just brings me such comfort and peace. She has helped me through so many moments of anxiety and frustration</i></span><i style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">s. </i><br />
<span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>Her eyes. I swear they see right in to me. And I swear it's like I can see her understanding.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>She has been the silliest clown and has made me laugh. She has been the greatest walking companion. She is just...the greatest.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>If you are not a dog lover, or pet owner and just think this is ridiculous...I feel sad that you don't know this kind of unwavering companionship and true meaning of devotion and love.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>Last night I said to my husband "all I can think about is how very much I just want to go on one more boat ride with her!" She loves being on the boat with us when we are fishing or just enjoying a ride.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>Last year we bought a camper, and took her and Nash (our other boxer) with us to the lake a few times. And she loved it. And I loved having them with us. And I want that again.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>I want to take her for a walk at the river dog park when trees are starting to bloom. She is the best walker with me there. She never leaves my view. Just walks along side me.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>The saddest part is...likely none of these three hopes are going to happen.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>The vet told me that usually once an animal starts showing signs of pain, this type of cancer has typically already spread to the lungs.</i></span><br />
<br />
<i style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">She went through all the possible treatments. None of which we will subject Bailey to.</i><br />
<span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>She is over 10 years old. </i></span><br />
<span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>She has been through enough procedures. And treatment wouldn't extend her life much more than 6 months anyhow.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>We refuse to have her final part of her life one of pain and discomfort from surgeries and treatments that may have no affect at all.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>So we have decided to provide her pain relief with medication. And just take it one day at a time.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>The vet estimated that without treatment for the cancer she may have about 4 months. But that is the guess. All we can do is monitor.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>The hart thing I realized today...she showed signs of pain a while ago now when she would get bumped by Nash. So...I really don't know if 4 months would even be accurate. </i></span><br />
<span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>But again...one day at a time. </i></span><br />
<span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>I hate the looming "when". I hate planning a good bye. I hate thinking about how it will be without her. And who is going to be my comfort pal, and my snuggle buddy, and my confidant. </i></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>I hate the reality of losing her. And losing such a connection to the most major part of my life. I know that sounds dramatic...but I tie her to my infertility journey, losses, Evan's life, and an ended journey of hoping for another child.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>Without her...it just feels like so much has come to an end with her.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>But I am so so so grateful to her for so much love. For her friendship. For the way she managed to bring me out of such sadness. And I will never allow her to suffer. When I see that it is more than she deserves...I will find the strength to say good bye.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>When we had to put our first boxer Tag down, I wasn't able to go with my husband because it was literally the middle of the night and Evan was asleep.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>I was able to have my final memory of my sweet Tag a happy one...watching him so excited to go for a truck ride.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>But with Bailey...because she has been with me through so much...I owe it to her to be with her to the end. And I can't imagine it any other way. It will break my heart. But I need to be with her to hold her and snuggle her and thank her as she falls to her eternal slumber.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>Man, I hate this. </i></span><br />
<span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>I hate good bye.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>So for now, we will take each day one at a time...and will watch her. </i></span><br />
<span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>Today I went and bought her a cozy new blanket...just for her.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>I let her have a chicken finger (it's not like it will hurt her now!).</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>I've washed the dogs pillows, and they are both happily sleeping side by side.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>She has always slept on our bed...but she will definitely be at my side during the night now.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>I wish the weather would get a bit more sunny and warm so that I can take her for a walk, just her and I.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>I adore having a dog in the family. But this is the part that makes it so hard.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>She isn't just a dog. </i></span><br />
<span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>She is our family. </i></span><br />
<span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>And I am going to miss my best friend so very much.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>I love you Bailey. And I thank you for being more human than any actual human I know. Thank you for never leaving my side, and for your unwavering devotion and love.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>I am going to spoil you rotten these days/weeks, whatever time we have left! </i></span><br />
<span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
Heatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15548473755870852203noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-946244233476709467.post-32989552946006046252014-03-11T16:58:00.001-06:002014-03-11T17:14:31.518-06:00He's 5!!<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhiAVsuXWGEyhUN_9vKB7p88-CGMed0LtjgQSUoQhyphenhyphen4zmu1VV4Rp4lmNG37F_xnSPKQXu6einToF7eH13pl9eu4ZVJR9b8Re1v4asawbA5nZoDTpzty-NQ4EZIWt2Dvr3KOf90PkmOY6Iw/s1600/110.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhiAVsuXWGEyhUN_9vKB7p88-CGMed0LtjgQSUoQhyphenhyphen4zmu1VV4Rp4lmNG37F_xnSPKQXu6einToF7eH13pl9eu4ZVJR9b8Re1v4asawbA5nZoDTpzty-NQ4EZIWt2Dvr3KOf90PkmOY6Iw/s1600/110.JPG" height="213" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Evan's Batman Cake!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi0CiingZW-gVCI05aZUqVlgI_stvP8WxbzThiumygUAVsR6-4yD85BEscLKbvTN1-qKai4O3d9ga_2x14vQmAxOQXP4yZY9UmVsIxZMAF5FPTIFuDJZ1tOxzTlx9oN22JzwcK2ZUAZvxA/s1600/111.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi0CiingZW-gVCI05aZUqVlgI_stvP8WxbzThiumygUAVsR6-4yD85BEscLKbvTN1-qKai4O3d9ga_2x14vQmAxOQXP4yZY9UmVsIxZMAF5FPTIFuDJZ1tOxzTlx9oN22JzwcK2ZUAZvxA/s1600/111.JPG" height="213" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Zac's Cake</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi0qi2NQxBvNQ35pnqWTCf7aAlz83PcmxYE5RotRy6eD4GHEBld5uBIs7pfKZcnu5iVyZYU0dbwWfzTB-l-AGNQraj1ImayOC27simXJMGV9oaGw_TORCDxDggDAZsiw-fwyly4LJ7Jukc/s1600/078.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi0qi2NQxBvNQ35pnqWTCf7aAlz83PcmxYE5RotRy6eD4GHEBld5uBIs7pfKZcnu5iVyZYU0dbwWfzTB-l-AGNQraj1ImayOC27simXJMGV9oaGw_TORCDxDggDAZsiw-fwyly4LJ7Jukc/s1600/078.JPG" height="213" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Batman theme this year</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhjNoCuG9zhbJ7_jLmxJnawbFGqQq_Wy0QVfVoUg_9xfwIUrlOxmQ5r3eX0qjQIxpWoBTm8tzjmNxHACCT0QLjFSMdN9ZqXfXKQF7o9ZmOoSKJhcMlyYwjWHS5g6IU5geqM7BP2ZGKtLHQ/s1600/121.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhjNoCuG9zhbJ7_jLmxJnawbFGqQq_Wy0QVfVoUg_9xfwIUrlOxmQ5r3eX0qjQIxpWoBTm8tzjmNxHACCT0QLjFSMdN9ZqXfXKQF7o9ZmOoSKJhcMlyYwjWHS5g6IU5geqM7BP2ZGKtLHQ/s1600/121.JPG" height="213" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Silly birthday fun with family and friends!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh7zO7glRJJkP_hYtZpVrV_o88nJRdEmhmqdK2SZpr_eqGv60SyCuKc065wdsw-0UW2Lwtcim0gj_BjuCBwd2-EirkFRBAavhjuYJFS1Po66W-O6BCEB3WnVKCpxDAUzGN0OPjPwhHHU8E/s1600/117.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh7zO7glRJJkP_hYtZpVrV_o88nJRdEmhmqdK2SZpr_eqGv60SyCuKc065wdsw-0UW2Lwtcim0gj_BjuCBwd2-EirkFRBAavhjuYJFS1Po66W-O6BCEB3WnVKCpxDAUzGN0OPjPwhHHU8E/s1600/117.JPG" height="213" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Blowing out the candles!<br /></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="color: blue; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">He is FIVE!!!! Where is the time going! </span><br />
<span style="color: blue; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: blue; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">What a great day celebrating this precious little boy! And remembering Zac as well!</span><br />
<span style="color: blue; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: blue; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">This year it was Batman. And bowling! </span><br />
<span style="color: blue; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">How fun to watch 6 kids bowling and giggling and just enjoying each other.</span><br />
<span style="color: blue; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: blue; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">It is always a tricky time for me. And of course, I can't do one cake without the other. It was fun to create one that Evan wanted, and add a little extra fun with Zac's cake!</span><br />
<span style="color: blue; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: blue; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Five years ago these precious little boys entered our lives, and changed us drastically. We've marveled every day of Evan's life, and have missed our sweet Zac growing beside his brother.</span><br />
<span style="color: blue; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: blue; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">These little miracles who brought us such joy, and heart breaking pain.</span><br />
<span style="color: blue; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: blue; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Two little lives who impacted us in two very different ways.</span><br />
<span style="color: blue; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: blue; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Though, I am forever grateful. I am grateful for the months I carried these sweet boys within me. I am grateful for the strength they created in me during very scary days. I am thankful for the few short days we had to know Zac and touch him and speak to him, and ultimately to hold him as he drifted to heaven.</span><br />
<span style="color: blue; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I am strengthened by the fighting spirit Evan showed in NICU.</span><br />
<span style="color: blue; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I am blessed to watch the boy he is growing in to.</span><br />
<span style="color: blue; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I am honored to be his mommy.</span><br />
<span style="color: blue; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: blue; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Five years ago these precious boys entered this world one minute apart, and will forever live apart until heaven joins us all together once more.</span><br />
<span style="color: blue; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: blue; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I celebrate the boy you are, my sweet Evan.</span><br />
<span style="color: blue; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I cherish every breathing moment we have together.</span><br />
<span style="color: blue; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I love you more than you will ever know.</span><br />
<span style="color: blue; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: blue; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">And my sweet Zac...you are with me always. Forever in my thoughts and heart. And every March 6th, you are celebrated with your brother. We love you, and we miss you.</span><br />
<span style="color: blue; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: blue; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Every year I watch as Evan blows out his birthday candles, and I see Zac's sitting on the counter. I wonder...what would it have been like to watch both of our sons blowing their candles out on their cakes...side by side.</span><br />
<span style="color: blue; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: blue; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">There is joy. How could there not be joy in watching how far Evan has come! </span><br />
<span style="color: blue; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">There is joy in remembering Zac's eyes, and touch.</span><br />
<span style="color: blue; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">There is joy in knowing how full our hearts are with love for our boys.</span><br />
<span style="color: blue; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: blue; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">What a fun day we had indeed! </span><br />
<span style="color: blue; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">What fun we had celebrating together.</span><br />
<span style="color: blue; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: blue; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">And how grateful we will forever be.</span><br />
<span style="color: blue; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: blue; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY BOYS!!</span><br />
<span style="color: blue; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">We love you!!</span><br />
<span style="color: blue; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: blue; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Evan...we are so so so proud of you! So very proud indeed! </span><br />
<span style="color: blue; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: blue; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">xoxoxo</span>Heatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15548473755870852203noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-946244233476709467.post-56675646519100431142014-02-25T11:57:00.002-06:002014-02-25T11:57:28.521-06:00Dear Me...past, present and future. <span style="color: #666666; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i><u>Dear Me of the past</u>...</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>Thank you for using all the experiences you went through to fight to become who you were going to need become.</i></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>Thank you for not giving in during some of the most difficult times of your younger years.</i></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>Thank you for being stubborn and strong willed, because now I see how much you needed those characteristics. </i></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>Thank you for realizing you were better than what you were allowing in your life. And that you DESERVED better than who you were settling for in your life. I realize through your teen/dating years, just to have someone show interest was flattering, and some times your choices in a dating partner weren't always the best. So, thank you for coming around and realizing that! We ended up with someone pretty darn fantastic!</i></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>Thank you for not feeling that there was no hope in life when hurtful words and actions were directed at you (even though those words and actions cut deep and left wounds...and at those moments felt more true than anything you ever knew).</i></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>Thank you, body, for not shutting down when I was abusing you to become what the world said was beautiful (and what I once believed). I am sorry for the way I harmed you. But thank you for your strength during the path to my healing.</i></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>Thank you for the laughter and good memories!</i></span></div>
<br />
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><i><u>Dear Me of the present</u>...</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><i><br /></i></span>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><i>Oh my, what a road we have been on. </i></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><i>Thank you for your continued strength to fight for your life, your family and for holding on for all you have.</i></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><i>Thank you for finding peace with God, and for the peace you strive to find in yourself and WITH yourself.</i></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><i>Thank you for working on self forgiveness and love.</i></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><i>Thank you for the continued stubborn and strong willed personality...but that it has softened in many areas as healing has continued.</i></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><i><br /></i></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><i>Stop doubting yourself so much. Stop beating yourself up! Stop living in moments that you had no control over, and could not change. Stop blaming yourself. Stop thinking you aren't good enough in the eyes of others. All that matters is that you are MORE than enough for God, and your sweet family. Who cares that you don't fit a size 2 pair of jeans and don't have ripples of abs in a bikini in place of the wave of "love belly" that shows where you carried your sons. </i></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><i>YOU ARE MORE THAN ENOUGH! UNIQUELY YOU. Believe that. Some day...truly believe that!</i></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><i>We have been working on our health, you and I. And lately it has taken a turn for the positive. Keep at it!!</i></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><i>Thank you for not fearing to speak the names of your babies. For never letting anyone make you feel you should shut their LIVES and memories in a closet box. Keep speaking them! Each are a piece of your life and your family! </i></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><i>Memories will always be tucked in your heart. They are your memories to treasure. No one can take those away. Keep them safe.</i></span> </div>
<br />
<span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i><u>Dear Me of the future</u>...</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>Keep fighting for life, family, love...hope.</i></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>Keep working on building that treasured marriage you have been blessed with.</i></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>Keep building that relationship with God nice and tight. As we know all too well...it can be far too easy to question Him when difficult times happen. Build this relationship stronger and stronger.</i></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>That little boy who is growing up far too fast? I know I don't even need to tell you how much you want to hold on to every single second together with him. Build him up daily. Encourage, guide, strengthen and love him endlessly every single day. Days can be far too short. Hold his hand in as long as he will let you. Hug him tight, even when he wants to wiggle away. Kiss his cheek even though he may wipe it off. Love him, no matter what. Tell him EVERY day how proud you are of him.</i></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>Lets keep working diligently on our health. I want to be around for a long time. I want to watch all life unfolds for our family.</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>Know that you are loved, and it is okay to finally love yourself in return. </i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>Be proud of yourself. You have been through many battles, and you are alive. I don't know what battles may still be ahead...but fight them. Fight them with passion...and win.</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>Me of the future...I hope I help you to arrive at someone we are at peace with.</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>Love the life we have walked.</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>Give yourself a break when you need it.</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>Be a woman that your husband and son look at and say "thank you for who you are, and all you are".</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>Never waste a moment. </i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i><br /></i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>And look lovingly back and say "I'm proud of you".</i></span></div>
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<br />Heatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15548473755870852203noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-946244233476709467.post-13474268702852037092014-02-20T12:55:00.002-06:002014-02-20T12:55:16.905-06:00Define yourself. A letter to Evan...<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh7cW10aGg7FDSyEcYlBvBfewmJHczhc_qMhdjMCJmXpu1T7a5l8b9iYiw8QUrxzFLeEZLAdAuntBSA0gjjV5wBaMQHjgiyIRLgdkl97Ets2HHXelkaar2RXTC-zKFY-uFE__YogbTJ4as/s1600/014.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh7cW10aGg7FDSyEcYlBvBfewmJHczhc_qMhdjMCJmXpu1T7a5l8b9iYiw8QUrxzFLeEZLAdAuntBSA0gjjV5wBaMQHjgiyIRLgdkl97Ets2HHXelkaar2RXTC-zKFY-uFE__YogbTJ4as/s1600/014.JPG" height="213" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">I often journal to Evan. Not as much as I used to. I think before it was just a matter of telling him what was happening every single day. And I started to realize as he got older that the mundane events of the day wouldn't matter so much for him to read back on. It started to dawn on me, that although I still write about some mundane daily events, I wanted to start writing to him about things that I really hope and pray for his life and his future. Today I found myself compelled to write this to Evan:</span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: small;"><i>Today I want to tell you this:</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: small;"><i>Define yourself.</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: small;"><i>Find the person in you that God created you to become.</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: small;"><i>Grow THAT person.</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: small;"><i>Trust your heart. Trust God. Seek His wisdom and guidance in your life. Trust His love for you.</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: small;"><i>When you catch yourself trying to be like someone else, ask yourself if that is who you truly are. Are you happy? Are you proud?</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: small;"><i>If the answer is no, then that is not who God made you.</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: small;"><i><br /></i></span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: small;"><i>You don't need to be like anyone but YOU!</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: small;"><i>You were created unique, unlike ANY other.</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: small;"><i><br /></i></span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: small;"><i>It's good to learn from others. It is good to see positive qualities in others that we can bring in to our own lives. That is okay!</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: small;"><i>BUT, when they are negative qualities and actions...FLEE from that! Learn how you do not want to be in those moments, and use that to strengthen who you know you are.</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: small;"><i>I pray you surround yourself with strong, encouraging, positive and Godly friends. People who build you up and bring out your best.</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: small;"><i>I pray you find strength in yourself. </i></span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: small;"><i>Certainty in who YOU are.</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: small;"><i>That you remain gentle, loving, thoughtful, tender, funny and kind.</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: small;"><i><br /></i></span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: small;"><i>I pray your ears and heart will block unkind words and actions.</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: small;"><i>I pray a mean spirited person would never shake your gentle heart.</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: small;"><i>That you will never doubt yourself.</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: small;"><i><br /></i></span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: small;"><i>Mommy and daddy are here to encourage you and to guide you. To love you and support you. To build you up and strengthen you.</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: small;"><i>We won't always have the answers.</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: small;"><i>We may not always be able to soothe a future broken heart.</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: small;"><i>But we promise to do our very best, and to walk beside you through these times.</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: small;"><i><br /></i></span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: small;"><i>I pray that you NEVER EVER feel less than the amazing person you are!</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: small;"><i>Uniquely you!!</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: small;"><i><br /></i></span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: small;"><i>Define yourself, Evan. </i></span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: small;"><i>Find <u>YOU</u> and never doubt yourself.</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: small;"><i>For you, my boy, are amazing!</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: small;"><i><br /></i></span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: small;"><i>I love you!!</i></span></div>
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<br />Heatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15548473755870852203noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-946244233476709467.post-60864423247329002112014-01-28T19:49:00.001-06:002014-01-28T19:53:55.203-06:00Baby Steps...<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgMlPuGTqXT-hOKVYszm1UYXmggKkaOtrEbz4KQRzat74Q61b4zI8tFVQuE9m-585lKe6Ou09mhL1ljA3ZPwcMScyWeF1RK_iJgUVHh5fhob47OJP7IwzmV4_I9VKcA4yh79z1TqcLxn4k/s1600/Baby+clothes+b+and+w+edited.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgMlPuGTqXT-hOKVYszm1UYXmggKkaOtrEbz4KQRzat74Q61b4zI8tFVQuE9m-585lKe6Ou09mhL1ljA3ZPwcMScyWeF1RK_iJgUVHh5fhob47OJP7IwzmV4_I9VKcA4yh79z1TqcLxn4k/s1600/Baby+clothes+b+and+w+edited.jpg" height="320" width="241" /></a></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><i>It begins with baby steps, right?</i></b></span></div>
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<b style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i><br /></i></b>
<b style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>Moving forward that is.</i></b></div>
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<b style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>As I began the agonizing process of going through Evan's clothes to see just what I could part with, I had a stack of his wee tiny clothes. Preemie clothes. All in a stack on my glider chair ottoman.</i></b></div>
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<b style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>These ones I just can NOT part with. And that's just fine.</i></b><br />
<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><i>Oh who am I kidding?? I didn't part with TONS of his clothes. </i></b></span><br />
<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><i>As I pulled out each article I could see the moment he wore that item. I could smell the moment.</i></b></span><br />
<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><i>And some were just too treasured to part with at this time.</i></b></span><br />
<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><i>Bit by bit. </i></b></span><br />
<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><i>But my heart can't handle letting go of everything all at once!</i></b></span></div>
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<b style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>I caught a glimpse of Evan in the background of these clothes used for his tiny less than 5lb body. </i></b></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><i>I saw my almost 5 year old little boy behind that stack of clothes.</i></b></span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><i>And my heart exploded. For many reasons. </i></b></span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><i>The biggest reason...my little wonder out grew each of these clothes and many, many more!</i></b></span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-style: italic; font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></div>
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<b style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>He has grown. He has thrived. He has matured. He has become this amazing little boy who loves life. He is smart. He is exploring his talents. He is big in to drawing detailed pictures and also TAKING pictures with my old camera. I can NOT wait for warmer weather when we can go out together and take photograph walks!</i></b></div>
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<b style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>I love to watch his mind work. </i></b></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><i>I love watching him put in to actions those thoughts.</i></b></span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><i>I love his sensitivity.</i></b></span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><i>I love his young wisdom.</i></b></span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><i>I love his innocent faith and trust.</i></b></span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-style: italic; font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></div>
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<b style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>I just plain old LOVE this boy of ours! </i></b></div>
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<b style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>And I am beyond grateful.</i></b></div>
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<b style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>He is teaching me to look ahead with optimism and faith.</i></b></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><i>He restores my hope and faith daily.</i></b></span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-style: italic; font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></div>
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<b style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>And I love, love, LOVE how prayer has become so second nature to him!!</i></b></div>
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<b style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>Last night I hurt my back. And straight away Evan says "mommy, I am going to pray to Jesus to heal your back right now!" And he did. Just like that, prayer was the first step to me getting better.</i></b></div>
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<b style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>Then this morning at 5am I felt a tap on my shoulder and heard a whisper "mommy, I had a bad dream!" So in to bed he happily crawled (a rare occurrence indeed! He loves his bed and his space!). As he laid beside me he simply said "mommy, I didn't like that dream. You need to pray for me. NOW!"</i></b></div>
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<b style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>And so we did.</i></b></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><i>I'm glad this is becoming so central in his life.</i></b></span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><i><br /></i></b></span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><i>He loves praise and worship music.</i></b></span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><i><br /></i></b></span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><i>He does NOT like TV shows with cartoon monsters with sharp teeth and claws and red eyes.</i></b></span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><i>I love how he knows what makes him uncomfortable, and senses what isn't right for him.</i></b></span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><i><br /></i></b></span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><i>I feel a touch of pride.</i></b></span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><i>I feel like we are doing an okay job as parents.</i></b></span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><i>Teaching. Guiding. Learning from example (okay...sometimes that one can shoot me in the foot. Lets just say Evan and I have a LOT of the same characteristics...learned solely by mommy. **blush**)</i></b></span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><i>But all in all, I think we are doing a good job.</i></b></span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><i><br /></i></b></span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><i>Every day I wonder if I am being a good enough mom. If I'm teaching him the right things. If I'm guiding him in the way I pray he grows.</i></b></span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><i><br /></i></b></span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><i>And most days I feel pleased.</i></b></span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><i>We all have off days, right!?! 4+ years old and *ehem* 38+ years old.</i></b></span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><i><br /></i></b></span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><i>But today, I am moved to tears as I listen to Evan sing my praise, and tell me how awesome I am, and how much he loves me. And how proud he is of me (that one especially joked me up!). </i></b></span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><i><br /></i></b></span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><i>Moving forward has been a scary and even sad thought for me in some ways. But watching our precious son growing and maturing in to the young boy that he is becoming just overwhelms my heart with joy.</i></b></span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><i><br /></i></b></span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><i>I may not understand the path God has brought us on. I may have been quite angry about a lot of it. I may have had moments of screaming towards the heavens.</i></b></span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><i><br /></i></b></span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><i>But right now...I'm shouting and screaming praises of thanks and gratitude.</i></b></span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><i><br /></i></b></span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><i>Whatever comes next...</i></b></span></div>
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<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><i>well, I'll take it in baby steps!</i></b></span></div>
<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><i><br /></i></b></span>
<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><i><br /></i></b></span>
Heatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15548473755870852203noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-946244233476709467.post-70243782422496464692014-01-20T10:03:00.001-06:002014-01-20T10:03:10.846-06:00When...<span style="color: #274e13; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Do you ever feel overloaded by the word "when"?</span><div>
<span style="color: #274e13; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #274e13; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I sure have. And I do.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #274e13; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #274e13; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"When I grow up I will..."</span></div>
<div>
<span style="color: #274e13; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"When I graduate I will..."</span></div>
<div>
<span style="color: #274e13; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"When I get a job I will..."</span></div>
<div>
<span style="color: #274e13; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"When I get married I will..."</span></div>
<div>
<span style="color: #274e13; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"When we have children I will..."</span></div>
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<span style="color: #274e13; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #274e13; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Well, I've grown up (mostly!). I graduated. I've had a few jobs. I got married. And attempting to grow our family has been one heck of a "when".</span></div>
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<span style="color: #274e13; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I love my son on earth...with every single fiber in my soul.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #274e13; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I love my five heavenly angels, with those same fibers.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #274e13; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #274e13; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I'm coming to a place in my life where I know God CAN provide that miracle we still desire...but my heart, in all honesty...doesn't know if it has the faith that He will.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #274e13; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I'm sure that sounds completely UNfaithful, and I guess to an extend right now my faith is weary...so it's just where I am at right now.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #274e13; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #274e13; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Ever since Evan outgrew his exersaucer and swing (along with a few other items), those two particular items have been hanging over my head...LITERALLY! We have had them stored in our back entry over our closet, and they literally hung out from the edge of the top storage space.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #274e13; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">They have been there for years. Always hanging over my head.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="color: #274e13; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">And for a while, during our FETs, I would look up and hope that one day soon we would be able to take those items down again, dust them off, and put them in to use.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #274e13; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #274e13; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">That didn't turn out to be the case.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #274e13; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="color: #274e13; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">So, the other day I started doing the unthinkable.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="color: #274e13; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I began to sort through baby items and clothes that I will be putting in to a consignment sale in our city in April.</span></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<span style="color: #274e13; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Is my heart truly ready to part with these things?</span></div>
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<span style="color: #274e13; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #274e13; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">No.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #274e13; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #274e13; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Is my head?</span></div>
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<span style="color: #274e13; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #274e13; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I don't know.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #274e13; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="color: #274e13; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Then why am I doing it?</span></div>
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<span style="color: #274e13; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #274e13; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I'm tired of living like this.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #274e13; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Of wishing, and hoping and praying. Of begging, of pleading, of bartering.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="color: #274e13; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I'm tired of feeling stuck in a place of questioning whether my faith isn't big enough, or maybe my hope is too niave.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #274e13; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="color: #274e13; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I tend to rush in to things from time to time. And then a while later wish I hadn't rushed so quickly.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="color: #274e13; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">But in this case...Evan will be FIVE in March. We've struggled and prayed and hoped and have come close to seeing these items being dusted off and used, only to have it crush our hearts.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="color: #274e13; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="color: #274e13; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">So it is time for me to start fully living in today.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #274e13; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="color: #274e13; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">We have no embryos left. </span></div>
<div>
<span style="color: #274e13; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">We have said good bye to our dear fertility doctor and clinic.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="color: #274e13; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">We have donated my unused medications and packed away my huge file of correspondence with my clinic.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #274e13; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">In this respect...there is no going back. No "maybe next time". </span></div>
<div>
<span style="color: #274e13; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">No..."when".</span></div>
<div>
<span style="color: #274e13; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #274e13; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Do I still secretly hold in my heart that maybe, just maybe WE could be one of THOSE stories of a couple who experience a natural blessing by surprise? </span></div>
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<span style="color: #274e13; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Yes. I do. I guess my heart just can't fully let go yet.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="color: #274e13; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">But I know it won't be through the gift of the world or ARTs. Those days are done. And my body is too tired. I have put it through more than it's share of procedures, medications, manipulations, injections, blood draws and emotional highs and devastatingly painful lows.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="color: #274e13; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">But...I still hold the slightest glimmer of niave hope.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="color: #274e13; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="color: #274e13; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I'm learning that the word "when" can be a word that can both give you anticipated hope and drive, yet can also paralyze you from reaching past that exact "when" moment.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #274e13; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #274e13; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I've been in paralyzed mode for a while now. It's time to move forward.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="color: #274e13; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I want to embrace the life in front of me and ahead of me.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="color: #274e13; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Not even just as a mother...but for ME. </span></div>
<div>
<span style="color: #274e13; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Though I do <u>NOT</u> want to face this, nor do I want to accept this...a time will indeed come when Evan won't need me like he does now. And truly...I have no idea who I am outside of being the mom he needs. For right now, that is ok. I truly believe that is ok, because he needs me. And I need him.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="color: #274e13; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">When the day comes when I know my place isn't front and center with him anymore...I need to have an idea of where I go from there. So I suppose I am dabbling in exploring new adventures and possibilities for me.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="color: #274e13; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #274e13; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The thought of the future both scares and excites me. It fills me with pride, and with sadness to watch my tiny 2lb wonder grow up from me.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="color: #274e13; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I see his little life and wonder...who is this precious boy going to be? What will he do? Where will he go? Will I have done my job by instilling everything I hope he holds dear and true to his heart? </span></div>
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<span style="color: #274e13; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Who will take the place of my hand in his? Will she be good to him? Will she respect and cherish him? Will he treat her like the queen she should be in his life? </span></div>
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<span style="color: #274e13; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #274e13; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">This is all a bit heavy for my heart to write out early in the morning while I wait for Evan to wake up!</span></div>
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<span style="color: #274e13; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="color: #274e13; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">And I feel like my words are as scattered as my mind right now.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #274e13; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="color: #274e13; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I don't mean to sound that every "when" moment has been a holding place for me. No, not at all. You need a few of those "when" moments to drive you.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="color: #274e13; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">It's just that now in this place in my life, I want some of those "when" moments to come to life. And slowly...they will! And that can be very exciting too. Even if it means that the reason for why you were being held back from that moment (though prayerfully desired...the desire that maybe this would be the time you would have another living child) has not, and may never again happen.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #274e13; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="color: #274e13; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">So step one for me has been dealing with the baby items. </span></div>
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<span style="color: #274e13; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I have a corner (ok, half of a room!!) starting to get organized with SOME of the items that I will be putting in to the consignment sale.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #274e13; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Should the time ever come where God completely shocks us with a natural surprise and another living child...then I now know where to go to buy gently used baby items! ;)</span></div>
<div>
<span style="color: #274e13; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I have also gone through the OH SO MANY bins of Evan's clothes. Some to hopefully pass on to my nephew's boys, and well...lets admit it...the majority of those clothes have been put back in their bins because I just can't let go yet.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #274e13; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Some items and clothes I am just not ready to let go of. I told Brett to give me until I am 41 (which isn't that far away). </span></div>
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<span style="color: #274e13; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #274e13; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">An exciting "when" moment that Brett and I have talked about for SIXTEEN years (yes, 13 years of those have been because we have been so family-growing focused so that is where our money had to be allocated to. Oh the joys of not being able to reproduce the good ol' fashioned way!) is that we have officially, and seriously begun preparations for a trip to Hawaii!!!!! And THAT is exciting me BIG TIME!! Evan asks every day "can we go to Hawaii on Tuesday? I don't like being cold!" I wish!!</span></div>
<div>
<span style="color: #274e13; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">But our trip won't be until 2015. (is it bad that I'm excited for this year to fly by??!!)</span></div>
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<span style="color: #274e13; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="color: #274e13; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I look back on the past 16 years of our marriage, and on our journey to have a family, and I see a lot of those "when" moments.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="color: #274e13; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I do not regret putting many of those on hold. Not for a moment.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="color: #274e13; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Our focus to have a family was greater than all of those moments.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="color: #274e13; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">But I see now that there comes a time when you have to refocus and begin to move forward.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="color: #274e13; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Right now I'm still in heel-dragging mode. Though I'm only fresh off the ARTs wagon...and just over a year from the loss of our fifth Angel, Faith. So, I don't feel the need to just instantly switch gears. I'm not "there" ...yet. And that is ok. </span></div>
<div>
<span style="color: #274e13; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I'm just realizing that I don't want to lose moments and adventures with my husband and son now. And now that we are done with treatments, there truly is nothing holding us back. </span></div>
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<span style="color: #274e13; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #274e13; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Life will always hold "when" moments...it's just that now those moments are starting to bring a new excitement. Even if letting go and moving forward is like slowly ripping off a bandaide that has been there so long it has grown on to my body!</span></div>
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<span style="color: #274e13; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="color: #274e13; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Here is to today!</span></div>
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<span style="color: #274e13; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Wishing you all a beautiful one!</span></div>
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<span style="color: #274e13; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
Heatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15548473755870852203noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-946244233476709467.post-79518463471863862782013-11-25T12:58:00.004-06:002013-11-25T12:58:50.181-06:00New chapters...<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>Wow...it has been a while for sure. I'm sure that any people who have been faithful in following my blog are probably wondering if I've brought it to a close. And to be honest...it likely won't be as faithful as in the beginning. </i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>HOWEVER, as the post heading states...today it is about new chapters. Whether I want them or not.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>Life has changed. Parts have come to an end. Other chapters are just about to begin.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>In the fall I accepted treatment to proceed with our very last frozen embryo transfer.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>I had gone in to this believing that no matter the outcome, I would be ok. And that I would just be relieved to finally put this long journey to a close. I told myself that I would just be content to GET to transfer since my lining issues. That I would embrace whatever life brought.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>So, I began my meds. </i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>I went in to this cycle trying to be calm and focused and not stressed about the thing that I could not control.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>I went RELIGIOUSLY for acupuncture to assist in my cycle and lining issues.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>I ate right. I exercised moderately. I cut back on coffee and anything that MIGHT be a blocker.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>I did my "Bend, Breathe and Conceive" yoga DVD religiously. </i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>I did castor oil packs with fertility massages.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>I devoured prenatal vitamins and Folic Acid.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>I tried to sleep well.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>And I prayed.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>But not your typical "please, please, please let this work" kind of prayer.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>Lets not dance around it. My prayers in regards to conceiving and having a healthy, living child are somewhat shall we say, jaded.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>I know the pain of praying with "certainty" and claiming healing and the desire for a child only to be left with confusion and hurt and a multitude of "why? Why not us God? What did we do so wrong?"</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>I know God is not there to be my magic genie to grant my wishes.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>I know that God is good, and that He has a plan for me, for my husband, for Evan...and for us as a family of three.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>So I just prayed that He would help get me through in one final piece. </i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>And that I would have some level of PEACE.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>I prayed that I would just have a lining good enough to get to this transfer. That this transfer wouldn't leave us with no hope in even proceeding.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>And even though my lining still did not hit that magic "minimum 7mm" lining...it was close. My first check was 6.3mm. And from my history from last October's transfer we knew it would likely thicken more given a few days of grace. So, I was not subjected to a repeat ultra sound check. It would have been irrelevant anyhow. We weren't going to cancel the cycle, and we knew we just had to go with what we were given.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>For that I was relieved. In all of this, I have hated those ultra sound checks. Continually being faced with the reality of a body that does not do what the typical woman body SHOULD do. I was tired of being faced with a body that doesn't meet the norm and continually hearing "not good enough". Ones self esteem can only hearing that so much before believing that ALL of her is not good enough.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>So hearing that the first lining check was CLOSE...I figured since I got pregnant last year with an under 7mm lining, that it could happen again.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>And so our FET was scheduled. For October 31st.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>I won't lie...I teared up when I heard that date. Because exactly one year prior...TO THE DATE...was when I both learned I was pregnant and also realized our baby was also in a world of trouble with the pregnancy.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>October 31st last year began my own physical Halloween horror show and also hearing I was pregnant with a super amazing HcG (Beta...otherwise known as pregnancy hormone levels). </i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>And then that November seeing our sweet little Faith's heart beat, only to have it stop one week later.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>We hoped that the date would not be an indication of things to come.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>This time we hopped a plane to head to our clinic. We've never flown before. But this time I figured since it was our last shot, why not go out in style!</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>The day of my transfer was so emotional for me. </i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>The last time I would be in that city for THAT reason.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>The last time we would be hoping and praying over this little life as it thawed from it's deep slumber.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>The last time we would drive up to the clinic with my bladder on the verge of exploding.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>The last time I would be in the waiting room with other couples with the same look of either new and excited anticipation...or worn and tired experience.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>The last time I would gown up and Brett and I would try to keep the mood light.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>The last time I would endure the physical discomforts of the transfer.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>The last time we would feel that...hope. As we would see our little embryo on the screen. As we would watch on the ultra sound as that little life was being placed back in to my body.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>The last time I would wonder if my body would accept, or reject another little one.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>I was SO excited that it was our initial RE doing the transfer. It truly felt like a closure day, and it was just too perfect when I heard that it would be Dr. Greene doing our transfer. It was just how I hoped.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>And after the transfer was complete and I was to remain laying on the table for 10 minutes, Dr. Greene came and put his hand on my shoulder, and he shook Brett's hand and wished us well and talked for a little bit...I lost it. The second he left the room and it was just Brett and I and our newly transferred child...I lost it.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>I burst in to tears for so many reasons. 6 years of IVF/FETs alone. 13 years of desperately praying and trying for a family. So many losses. One amazing living miracle. Every visit to that clinic. EVERYTHING came rushing to my mind in that moment.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>And the realization that it was now truly...over.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>There is no more. Our last little one was now inside of me. And all we could do was hope and wait.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>We left the clinic and I felt so confused. </i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>Relieved to have this journey come to an end. Relieved that we had made it through, together, with our marriage still in tact.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>But also so very sad. Up to this point I had always had "well if this one doesn't work, maybe next time!" I no longer have "next time".</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>During our waiting period we went to a service on healing one night. The pastor prayed for us after. And told us to "send a picture of the baby".</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>We struggled going to that service. We have struggled with so many moments of being told "I know this will work out this time", "everything is going to be ok"...even that I was going to have a baby girl.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>I often want to ask now...how? How do people genuinely believe that they hear God assuring them of something? </i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>I'm not trying to be negative here and say that God does NOT speak through people...I know that He can and He does. Just, in my situation where things have gone quite the opposite to what people believed God was telling them...I just wish I could have an answer. How did they know? And how do they explain it now?</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>Again, I'm not saying that in a bitter way or negative way. I'm genuinely interested in wanting to know the how. And I most certainly do not doubt or question God and His goodness. </i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>Sometimes people mean well, and believe that they have been told something. But sometimes it just isn't correct. Again...I'm not saying I feel angry or hurt. Just confused.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>Well, back to the current transfer.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>We waited our 2 weeks and then it was off for the blood test. </i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>I have to admit something here. These last few FETs I did my best to emotionally distance myself and not try to guess the outcome. That is a very dangerous emotional game to play. I've always waited for "the call" to hear yes or no.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>But this time..without meaning to, I actually genuinely thought it had worked. </i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>I would get so excited at the thought of hearing my Doctor say "positive" that I would get butterflies.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>And the morning that my Doctor DID call...I just about jumped for joy. Because my doctor has never EVER called to give me the negative news. So I knew if her assistant called it would be negative, but if SHE called then it would be good news.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>Well, she tricked me this time. My Halloween "treat" turned in to the "trick" I so badly didn't want.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>I heard her voice and my heart took off soaring. And then it was shot in mid-air and came exploding to the ground.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>She said "I'm so sorry bud, it was negative. I've been sitting here for 20 minutes trying to work up the nerve to call you. I just didn't want anyone else making the call this time."</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>She knows this was our last transfer. Our last hope.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>I calmly hung up...and then did something I never wanted to do.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>I broke down right in front of Evan.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>He crawled up on me and asked me why I was so sad. And I gently told him...the truth.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>Mommy had hoped we would be able to have another baby one day, but it wasn't going to happen.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>He got a sad look on his face and said "aaaaaaw mommy, that is not fair! Didn't Jesus hear you when you asked Him for a baby?"</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>That BLEW ME AWAY.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>We have never explained the whole FET journey with Evan. Good grief...what 4 year old should have to learn about the science of trying to have a baby.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>We never told him WHY we had to go for an appointment for a couple days.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>We've always kept him protected and sheltered from it all.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>Other children just get to be told "You get to be a big brother/sister!! There is a baby growing in mommy's tummy!"</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>They get the joy and innocence of something natural exciting. They get to be dressed by their parents in the "Best Big Brother/Sister" t-shirts. The cute Facebook announcements and emails and mail outs.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>All Evan has known is that his big siblings are in heaven. His twin brother is in heaven. His baby sister is in heaven. And now this.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>And it makes me so angry. </i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>I am angry. And yes, even JEALOUS. Yes, I said it. Jealous.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>And then I am mad. Mad at myself for even letting my mind go to the possibility of this transfer working. Mad that I almost pulled out my maternity clothes. Mad that I pictured next summer with a new born at the lake with us. Mad that I saw Evan with a proud look of love on his face doting over a baby sister or brother.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>Mad that I let myself believe that it could happen for us.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>And now I have to work through that mad, angry and jealous emotion. </i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>And more grief...</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>I now grieve not only another loss of a transfer and child and dream. But also grieve the knowledge that there is no more. There will be no more treatments. There are no more little lives waiting.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>It's over. </i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>And sometimes finality is far too bitter to want to accept.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>I don't feel "bitter".</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>I feel grateful that we had the chance to go through 2 full IVF cycles and all of our FETs.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>I am grateful for the positive pregnancy test phone calls I did receive.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>I am grateful as we were able to watch Ethan and Jack's hearts beating at that 7wk ultra sound.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>And for seeing Faith's heart beating, if only the one time.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>I am grateful for knowing what it was like to be pregnant, if only to a max of 28 weeks gestation.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>I am grateful for precious moments with Zac.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>I am grateful for life with Evan.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>I am grateful.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>Though I still grieve.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>I grieve that I watch others so easily get pregnant and have healthy living babies.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>I grieve the dream of how I had pictured life.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>I grieve that Evan won't have an earthly sibling, and that hurts my heart.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>I grieve that I don't have the strength to believe that God could still preform a natural miracle. I guess that comes from 13 years of this journey and never ONCE having a natural conception. I guess I just don't see how it would happen now. And I can't even let myself go there. Because if I do, and if it doesn't happen...I will be angry. And I don't want to be angry.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>I grieve that my heart has not found peace in the closure of treatments.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>I grieve that my heart still aches for another living child.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>This has been a closure chapter for sure. But I honestly wasn't prepared for how much I would grieve it.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>I thought it would bring some peace to this long journey. But I don't feel the peace yet.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>And I feel like I'm kind of floating right now trying to figure out myself now.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>I've been so focused on building a family.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>My focus now?</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>Well of COURSE it is my family that I DO have! </i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>And that is my greatest pleasure and honor!! </i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>I get to pour even more of myself in to raising Evan in to the man he is meant to become.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>I get to pour even more of myself in to the friendship and relationship of my marriage, that has often times been overshadowed through this journey.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>I now need to learn who I am outside of the desire to have another child.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>I want to build a bucket list, and start checking those things off.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>Most importantly...I need to come back to my relationship with God. Knowing and believing that He does have a plan for my life. So much of my life and the pains of it seem so senseless. I can't imagine how He could use any of it. </i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>I need to come back to the beginning. </i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>I need to trust.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>I need to believe. Truly believe.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>This has been the most intense chapter of my life. </i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>And even though it is hard to close it...I know it needs to happen to fully embrace all that is to come.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>Don't get me wrong. It doesn't mean the pain of pregnancy and birth announcements don't hurt any less. I don't know if that will ever happen. </i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>It doesn't mean that the tears for my heavenly children won't fall. They will. No one could expect that they wouldn't.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>It doesn't mean I just forget everything. That is impossible.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>But I am opening myself up to the future. And what may come.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>And becoming the best mommy I can to Evan. The best wife to Brett that I can be.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>And the best to myself that I can become.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>I honor the past, and I open myself to the future.</i></span>Heatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15548473755870852203noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-946244233476709467.post-44774613396572430062013-08-08T11:44:00.000-06:002013-08-08T11:44:06.098-06:00Blessed...<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;">Sometimes it is easy to forget how blessed I am.</span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">Sometimes the sadness of missing our heavenly angels washes over me, and the knowledge of my blessings can become a bit clouded...for a while.</span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">Sometimes the ache in my heart can feel more intense than I would like to feel.</span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;"></span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;"></span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">And then...</span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;"></span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">there is the HUGE majority of time where my heart is just overflowing with joy, love and feelings of how blessed I am.</span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;"></span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">I am. I really am.</span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;"></span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">And I am grateful for that.</span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;"></span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">Yes, there will ALWAYS be those moments of sadness, and missing our children, and the ache in my heart. </span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">That will never disappear. Because our children, though no longer on this earth, will never, EVER disappear from our memories, our hearts and our family.</span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;"></span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;"></span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">I am grateful for my amazing husband. I love him more than I can express. He is my rock. He is my support. He is my strength. He is my best friend! </span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">For a man of integrity, determination, wisdom, respect and love.</span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">I am grateful for the blessing he is to me.</span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;"></span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">I am grateful for the most amazing gift of our son, Evan.</span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">For his life being spared. For his survival. For the love he has brought to our home. The laughter, the light, the hope...the very real presence of a miracle.</span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">The most unique little guy I know in so many ways!</span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">Unique brother...little brother to his angel triplet siblings, twin brother to his angel brother Zac, and big brother to his angel sister Faith.</span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">Unique indeed.</span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">He has the most inquisitive mind. You can see when he is pondering something, and then when he asks his question it often catches me off guard how someone so young could ask something with such depth.</span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">Watching my athletic little guy exploring his abilities and trusting his instincts. Though moments of heart-stopping concern often over takes me...I trust that as long as I am near by, he needs to be able to TRY. </span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">He gives my soul breath. </span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">He gives my heart joy.</span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">He gives my life meaning and purpose.</span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">He is living proof that I am indeed blessed!</span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;"></span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">I am grateful for the beautiful HOME that my husband has been able to provide. For his ability and creativity and for his unbelievably hard work in growing his company. </span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">That I have been given the blessing of being able to stay home with Evan and raise him because of my husband's hard work.</span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;"></span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">We have been having a fun summer indeed!</span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">We bought a RV and have been able to get out camping twice. The first time it rained the WHOLE time. Bummer, but still fun. Even the dogs had fun!</span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">The second time we left the dogs at home with grandma and grandpa and brought my nephew and niece, and had my younger brother, sister-in-law and nephew come for a day too. The weather was fantastic, and we all had such a fun time!!</span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;"></span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">Evan and I have been keeping busy and enjoying days at the spray park, paddling pool, parks and exploring on walks. We have been working on his big boy bicycle and he is starting to enjoy it. He loves his glider bike far more as he can go WAY faster on it. And what little boy wouldn't prefer speed!</span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;"></span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">It feels as though summer has barely been here. A very long winter this year. A delayed spring. And the summer days are already starting to feel cool. UGH!! NOT ready for that! This morning there was cold dew on the grass...and even the dragon flies were unimpressed. I transported 8 of them from the shade and dew on my lawn on to a sunny, warm spot. Good deed for the day. I adore dragon flies, so it warmed my heart to watch as their wings dried off and they started flying away. </span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;"></span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">Fall brings with it a new adventure for Evan and I. </span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">He begins preschool.</span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">Whuuuuuuut!?! </span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">This momma is NOT ready for that either! I love having him with me all day every day. </span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">And even though preschool is only a few hours two mornings a week...it is W.E.I.R.D to me to think school is becoming an actual part of our lives. </span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">Yaaaa, sooooo not ready!</span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;"></span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">It is hard to watch how fast Evan is growing up. </span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">Exciting, encouraging, grateful for his health and growth...but still...it is going so fast! And I am just clinging to these younger moments. </span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">Though on the other hand...it just gets more and more fun! He is such an independent little guy. And determined. But still loves his snuggle time with mommy!</span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">It is a riot to watch him with his cousins, and to watch his personality with each of them.</span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">They are treasured moments...our coffee visits at the coffee store (Starbucks!), chatting and sharing and giggling.</span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">The stolen smiles or winks that I get. The "hey mommy...I love you"s. </span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">Watching him process moments of learning life lessons. Lessons of kindness, fairness, sharing, obedience.</span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">Lessons for MYSELF in teaching him these things. And in those moments, learning to watch myself too! </span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">Bed time prayers. Mine, and then his added prayers (which are far too adorable!!)</span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">Listening to him singing praise and worship songs! LOOOOOVE this, as my love for praise and worship music has wrapped itself around him as well! YESSS!!</span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;"></span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">I am truly blessed. I will never deny that.</span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;"></span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">Though my heart holds many hurts and scars...it also holds an abundance of joy and love and gratitude.</span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;"></span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">I was talking to Brett the other day saying how hard it must be for others who have not experienced such losses to understand how a persons heart can hold such an intricate balance of love and sorrow all wrapped up in one. Where one does not outweigh the other. Where sorrow does not overshadow the joy and love for life as it is, but where sorrow does remain.</span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">Those who watch my love, laughter and joy with Evan and assume that my heart no longer aches...</span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">Or when they see the moments of my sorrow and possibly assume that the sorrow shadows the joy and that I should just be "all better".</span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">I'm learning not to take the lack of understanding as lack of compassion...even when sometimes it sure does feel that way.</span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;"></span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">I don't expect people to understand that personal balance of joy and sorrow. How could I? It is mine. And I am learning what to allow others to see. And what I share.</span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;"></span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">Life is changing for me.</span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;"></span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">New adventures are beginning. </span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">Parts of my life that have been front and center for the past 13 years (trying to start/grow our family) are coming to a close.</span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">And it is both exciting, and scary. </span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">And even a little sad for me.</span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;"></span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">For 13 years we have struggled for the family we had dreamed of. The three children we thought we would raise, or so our "plan" had been in the niave, innocent phase of "when we have our family". </span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">For 9 years I have been through various fertility treatments, medications, poking, prodding, extracting, replacing, ultra sounds, pregnancies, losses, and life.</span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">Who would ever think that someone who has only ever dreamed of being a mommy would be one who would face such struggle for something so pure and innocent?! Something so ridiculously easy for so many others...even those who never wanted children. Or the oh so popular comments "we weren't even TRYING!"</span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">I will never understand that. Lucky for them...frustrating for me and wondering why it couldn't be us!</span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">I dream of a scenario where I would ever see a positive pregnancy test WITHOUT intervention. A full term pregnancy that resulted in a full term, healthy take-home baby. To experience the "normal" of it all. The "innocence" of it all.</span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;"></span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">Though, that has not been the way it has been.</span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">And likely never the way it will be.</span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;"></span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">But again...I am grateful. I am grateful for those treatments and procedures and medications and poking and prodding that have resulted in hearing three times "you are pregnant". </span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">I am grateful that three times I have been able to see those early ultra sounds and seeing the beating hearts of all five of our six babies...except for Jadon. Jadon was gone far too soon before we saw that sweet heart beating.</span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">I am grateful for getting to dream, even if 5 of those 6 sweet babies were not able to fulfill the hopes and dreams I had for them on this earth.</span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">And I am OH. SO. GRATEFUL for the life of Evan!</span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;"></span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">I am grateful for the blessings of my life.</span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;"></span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">Each scar tells a story, even if the scars are only visible to me.</span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;"></span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">Each tear holds a truth.</span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;"></span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">And my smile...it shows the love I feel and the blessings I have been granted.</span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;"></span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">I am blessed indeed.</span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;"></span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;"></span></em><br />
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Heatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15548473755870852203noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-946244233476709467.post-49301020572828804082013-06-16T13:00:00.001-06:002013-06-16T13:16:47.095-06:00Faith's Memorial...<span style="color: #4c1130; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><em>Well, this is not your typical Father's Day type post, but this is what is most current, and on my mind at the moment. The Father's Day post will follow.</em></span><br />
<span style="color: #4c1130; font-family: Arial;"><em></em></span><br />
<span style="color: #4c1130; font-family: Arial;"><em>Yesterday was a day that felt like it didn't truly belong to us. I didn't WANT it to belong to us.</em></span><br />
<span style="color: #4c1130; font-family: Arial;"><em>Yesterday was the joint Memorial Service for baby loss families. This is done through one of the funeral homes here in our city. An amazing, and selfless gift that they provide to hurting families who have to face the loss of a child...no matter what stage of pregnancy or reason for the loss. I am forever grateful that this funeral home has gone above and beyond and cared for SO many babies who may otherwise never get a chance at a "decent" burial or place for families to come to and KNOW where their child/ren have been cared for.</em></span><br />
<span style="color: #4c1130; font-family: Arial;"><em></em></span><br />
<span style="color: #4c1130; font-family: Arial;"><em>I never knew about this service that is provided. After we lost our first babies I was haunted for YEARS wondering what I had done, just aimlessly leaving the hospital after my D&C, and not asking what happens to our babies from there. </em></span><br />
<span style="color: #4c1130; font-family: Arial;"><em>I always had this horrid fear that they were just tossed aside as medical waste.</em></span><br />
<span style="color: #4c1130; font-family: Arial;"><em>I didn't know.</em></span><br />
<span style="color: #4c1130; font-family: Arial;"><em>I didn't know that this funeral home is contacted to come and collect the remains of babies, and this funeral home lovingly (without financial cost to the family or mother) cremates the remains, provides each their own cremation capsule, and then buries them with other babies lost too soon.</em></span><br />
<span style="color: #4c1130; font-family: Arial;"><em></em></span><br />
<span style="color: #4c1130; font-family: Arial;"><em>Is there ever TRUE comfort after losing a child? </em></span><br />
<span style="color: #4c1130; font-family: Arial;"><em></em></span><br />
<span style="color: #4c1130; font-family: Arial;"><em>No, I honestly don't feel there is ever a "comfort" so to speak. Your heart aches for the rest of your life...no matter how much I know my children are more alive today in heaven than here on earth...my mommy heart aches, and I miss all of my babies.</em></span><br />
<span style="color: #4c1130; font-family: Arial;"><em></em></span><br />
<span style="color: #4c1130; font-family: Arial;"><em>However...when I finally learned of this service provided by the funeral home, and then the Memorial Service they do for families to join together...I felt...relief.</em></span><br />
<span style="color: #4c1130; font-family: Arial;"><em></em></span><br />
<span style="color: #4c1130; font-family: Arial;"><em>I didn't just walk away from that hospital and walk away from all that remained of my babies.</em></span><br />
<span style="color: #4c1130; font-family: Arial;"><em></em></span><br />
<span style="color: #4c1130; font-family: Arial;"><em>And now I know. And I will advocate for as long as I have breath for all families going through loss. </em></span><br />
<span style="color: #4c1130; font-family: Arial;"><em>And for those who work in the medical field who deal with the intimate and painful experience of a patient losing a baby...PLEASE...learn about this loving option for families. PLEASE! Don't let them wonder like I was left to wonder! Don't let them carry the guilt of just walking away after their child is taken from their body, and not knowing the loving care they can be (and are, even without knowledge as in my case after our first miscarriage) given.</em></span><br />
<span style="color: #4c1130; font-family: Arial;"><em>All that has to be said is "contact the Saskatoon Funeral Home" and make sure they pick up my baby's remains. </em></span><br />
<span style="color: #4c1130; font-family: Arial;"><em>That is all I had to do when I was waiting for that dreaded D&C with Faith. </em></span><br />
<span style="color: #4c1130; font-family: Arial;"><em></em></span><br />
<span style="color: #4c1130; font-family: Arial;"><em>Know that you can have a place for your baby, and a place to visit.</em></span><br />
<span style="color: #4c1130; font-family: Arial;"><em></em></span><br />
<span style="color: #4c1130; font-family: Arial;"><em>I know everyone is so different and deals with loss in different ways...but it still means the world to me to have Zac's gravesite to visit, and now know with certainty that the remains of Jadon, Ethan, Jack and now Faith have a "place" here on earth.</em></span><br />
<span style="color: #4c1130; font-family: Arial;"><em></em></span><br />
<span style="color: #4c1130; font-family: Arial;"><em></em></span><br />
<span style="color: #4c1130; font-family: Arial;"><em>Yesterday did cause me to have to face something I wondered when would be the "right" time to share with Evan.</em></span><br />
<span style="color: #4c1130; font-family: Arial;"><em>If you remember...Evan was with me in the ultra sound room the day I learned Faith's heart had stopped beating. He saw the tears. He saw the grief. But all I told him was that mommy was sad because an angel had to leave her, and I missed her.</em></span><br />
<span style="color: #4c1130; font-family: Arial;"><em>He never knew he was going to be a big brother.</em></span><br />
<span style="color: #4c1130; font-family: Arial;"><em></em></span><br />
<span style="color: #4c1130; font-family: Arial;"><em>He loves to hold my family chain pendant, the one that holds each of our 6 children's birthstones. He loves the colors, and always says how beautiful it is.</em></span><br />
<span style="color: #4c1130; font-family: Arial;"><em>He has never known what the stones stood for.</em></span><br />
<span style="color: #4c1130; font-family: Arial;"><em></em></span><br />
<span style="color: #4c1130; font-family: Arial;"><em>But because Evan is so intuitive and so sensitive, I knew he would need an explanation for the service we would be attending. It was time he knew. It was time to share what an incredibly unique brother he is.</em></span><br />
<span style="color: #4c1130; font-family: Arial;"><em></em></span><br />
<span style="color: #4c1130; font-family: Arial;"><em>Of course he knows of Zac. We have Zac's picture in his room beside Evan's picture. He has seen the 3D ultra sound picture I had of the boys before our nightmare began. He comes to the cemetery to release a balloon and blow a kiss every birthday, and every night during prayers we remind God to give Zac a hug and kiss for us and tell him we love him.</em></span><br />
<span style="color: #4c1130; font-family: Arial;"><em></em></span><br />
<span style="color: #4c1130; font-family: Arial;"><em>He knows he is a twin. </em></span><br />
<span style="color: #4c1130; font-family: Arial;"><em></em></span><br />
<span style="color: #4c1130; font-family: Arial;"><em>What he hasn't known is that he is a little brother to our triplet angels, Jadon, Ethan and Jack.</em></span><br />
<span style="color: #4c1130; font-family: Arial;"><em>Yes, he knows he is a twin brother to Zac.</em></span><br />
<span style="color: #4c1130; font-family: Arial;"><em>No, he did not know until yesterday that he is a big brother to our recent angel, Faith.</em></span><br />
<span style="color: #4c1130; font-family: Arial;"><em></em></span><br />
<span style="color: #4c1130; font-family: Arial;"><em>Now he knows. </em></span><br />
<span style="color: #4c1130; font-family: Arial;"><em></em></span><br />
<span style="color: #4c1130; font-family: Arial;"><em>He is still innocent enough where the knowledge is not weighing on his mind. But now...it's all there. It's all in the open. All of our children have been shared with him. And though it breaks my heart into a million pieces that on this earth he will never know his brothers and sister...at least now he knows. </em></span><br />
<span style="color: #4c1130; font-family: Arial;"><em></em></span><br />
<span style="color: #4c1130; font-family: Arial;"><em>When I first told him why we were going to this service I explained "mommy had a baby in her tummy, but she got sick, and now she lives with Jesus and Zac in heaven", his face LIT right up and he was so excited and said "WHAT BABY mommy!! OUR baby?!" He was so excited about a baby in my tummy.</em></span><br />
<span style="color: #4c1130; font-family: Arial;"><em>It stabbed me to have to say "no buddy, there WAS a baby in my tummy. But she isn't there anymore."</em></span><br />
<span style="color: #4c1130; font-family: Arial;"><em>So he said "so we are going to go meet her at the service?"</em></span><br />
<span style="color: #4c1130; font-family: Arial;"><em>And I said, "no bud, we are going to remember her. But we won't be able to see her. We will let a balloon go for her like we do for Zac, and then we will go visit her special place like we do for Zac. But we won't actually see her. We have to wait for heaven for that."</em></span><br />
<span style="color: #4c1130; font-family: Arial;"><em></em></span><br />
<span style="color: #4c1130; font-family: Arial;"><em>As I type this replay, I am angry. I am so so so so angry. I am so tired of our babies leaving us. And I just don't get it. I don't understand. And even though day to day I have found "peace"...I am still angry to have to constantly have to say good bye. </em></span><br />
<span style="color: #4c1130; font-family: Arial;"><em>And angry that Evan even has to know what all of this means too. </em></span><br />
<span style="color: #4c1130; font-family: Arial;"><em>Especially since he will very likely be an only child. At least that how I see it. I don't see another miracle in the future for us. I just don't. Not right now. And if there is...I will be grateful and humbled...but right now, after so much loss and heart ache and after so many prayers for healing and saving our babies only to lose them over and over...it's hard to believe why now. Why would we expect or allow ourselves to hope for another miracle...no matter how badly we would love that to happen.</em></span><br />
<span style="color: #4c1130; font-family: Arial;"><em>It's too hard, and too scary to hope right now. And I won't apologize for that. </em></span><br />
<span style="color: #4c1130; font-family: Arial;"><em></em></span><br />
<span style="color: #4c1130; font-family: Arial;"><em>The service was BEAUTIFULLY put together. It was beyond precious. </em></span><br />
<span style="color: #4c1130; font-family: Arial;"><em>And to be gathered with so many grieving parents/families...those who truly understand and just want a chance to remember and honour our babies in the safety of non-judgement...it was amazing. </em></span><br />
<span style="color: #4c1130; font-family: Arial;"><em></em></span><br />
<span style="color: #4c1130; font-family: Arial;"><em>The tears flowed. I couldn't stop them. Why would I even try?</em></span><br />
<span style="color: #4c1130; font-family: Arial;"><em>They are real. The scars run deep. </em></span><br />
<span style="color: #4c1130; font-family: Arial;"><em>Yes, time changes them...but never erases them. </em></span><br />
<span style="color: #4c1130; font-family: Arial;"><em></em></span><br />
<span style="color: #4c1130; font-family: Arial;"><em>After the service we each received a balloon to release in remembrance. </em></span><br />
<span style="color: #4c1130; font-family: Arial;"><em>We went outside of the funeral home, and beautiful music played as each family gathered, tears flowing, looking up to the sky as the balloons drifted away.</em></span><br />
<span style="color: #4c1130; font-family: Arial;"><em>Treasured. Beautiful. </em></span><br />
<span style="color: #4c1130; font-family: Arial;"><em></em></span><br />
<span style="color: #4c1130; font-family: Arial;"><em>And then we gathered at the cemetery (oh, did I mention there have been INSANE down-pouring rain storms the past few days...) to see the memorial inscriptions of our children placed with so many others lost. </em></span><br />
<span style="color: #4c1130; font-family: Arial;"><em></em></span><br />
<span style="color: #4c1130; font-family: Arial;"><em>For me, it was especially touching to see Ethan, Jack and Jadon's names above Faith's. To SEE their names. To now know that this sacred ground is where their remains were cared for and placed. After almost 6 years of not knowing. I now know.</em></span><br />
<span style="color: #4c1130; font-family: Arial;"><em></em></span><br />
<span style="color: #4c1130; font-family: Arial;"><em>Still, the day did not seem real. </em></span><br />
<span style="color: #4c1130; font-family: Arial;"><em>It didn't seem like it was meant for us.</em></span><br />
<span style="color: #4c1130; font-family: Arial;"><em></em></span><br />
<span style="color: #4c1130; font-family: Arial;"><em>We are just weeks away from what should have been Faith's DUE DATE, not standing there seeing her name on a memorial wall after her burial. I found out her remains were finally laid to rest on June 13th. </em></span><br />
<span style="color: #4c1130; font-family: Arial;"><em></em></span><br />
<span style="color: #4c1130; font-family: Arial;"><em>It all seemed so senseless and wrong. And like a really bad dream.</em></span><br />
<span style="color: #4c1130; font-family: Arial;"><em></em></span><br />
<span style="color: #4c1130; font-family: Arial;"><em>Yet, as it sunk in...I am at least grateful for the fact that I know 4 of our 5 angels are "together". That I KNOW that ALL 5 of our angels are running together in heaven. </em></span><br />
<span style="color: #4c1130; font-family: Arial;"><em></em></span><br />
<span style="color: #4c1130; font-family: Arial;"><em>It touched my heart to know that they are remembered by others who read the inscriptions on those memorial stones, as I have done with so many of the other names there with my children. </em></span><br />
<span style="color: #4c1130; font-family: Arial;"><em>They will never be forgotten. </em></span><br />
<span style="color: #4c1130; font-family: Arial;"><em>Ever.</em></span><br />
<span style="color: #4c1130; font-family: Arial;"><em>Not only are they written on the palm of God's hand...but they are forever inscribed in stone, and in my heart.</em></span><br />
<span style="color: #4c1130; font-family: Arial;"><em></em></span><br />
<span style="color: #4c1130; font-family: Arial;"><em>There was a song played during the service, and the balloon release. I don't know the artist that sings it, but I want to include the words of that song now because they just wrapped around my heart...</em></span><br />
<span style="color: #4c1130; font-family: Arial;"></span><br />
<div align="center">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Arial;">In my dreams, you are alive and well</span></div>
<div align="center">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Arial;">Precious child, precious child.</span></div>
<div align="center">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Arial;">In my mind, I see you clear as a bell</span></div>
<div align="center">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Arial;">Precious child, precious child.</span></div>
<div align="center">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Arial;">In my soul, there is a hoe</span></div>
<div align="center">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Arial;">That can never be filled</span></div>
<div align="center">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Arial;">But in my heart, there is hope</span></div>
<div align="center">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Arial;">'Cause you are with me still.</span></div>
<div align="center">
<span style="color: #0b5394;"> </span></div>
<div align="center">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Arial;">In my heart, you live on</span></div>
<div align="center">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Arial;">Always there never gone.</span></div>
<div align="center">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Arial;">Precious child, you left too soon</span></div>
<div align="center">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Arial;">Tho' it may be true that we're apart</span></div>
<div align="center">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Arial;">You will live forever...in my heart.</span></div>
<div align="center">
<span style="color: #0b5394;"> </span></div>
<div align="center">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Arial;">In my plans, I was the first to leave</span></div>
<div align="center">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Arial;">Precious child, precious child.</span></div>
<div align="center">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Arial;">But in this world, I was left here to grieve</span></div>
<div align="center">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Arial;">Precious child, precious child.</span></div>
<div align="center">
<span style="color: #0b5394;"> </span></div>
<div align="center">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Arial;">In my soul, there is a hole</span></div>
<div align="center">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Arial;">That can never be filled</span></div>
<div align="center">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Arial;">But in my heart there is a hope</span></div>
<div align="center">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Arial;">And you are with me still.</span></div>
<div align="center">
<span style="color: #0b5394;"> </span></div>
<div align="center">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Arial;">In my heart you live on</span></div>
<div align="center">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Arial;">Always there, never gone</span></div>
<div align="center">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Arial;">Precious child, you left too soon,</span></div>
<div align="center">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Arial;">Tho' it may be true that we're apart</span></div>
<div align="center">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Arial;">You will live forever...in my heart.</span></div>
<div align="center">
<span style="color: #0b5394;"> </span></div>
<div align="center">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Arial;">God knows I want to hold you,</span></div>
<div align="center">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Arial;">See you, touch you</span></div>
<div align="center">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Arial;">And maybe there's a heaven</span></div>
<div align="center">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Arial;">And someday I will again</span></div>
<div align="center">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Arial;">Please know you are not forgotten until then.</span></div>
<div align="center">
<span style="color: #0b5394;"> </span></div>
<div align="center">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Arial;">In my heart you live on</span></div>
<div align="center">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Arial;">Always there never gone</span></div>
<div align="center">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Arial;">Precious child, you left too soon</span></div>
<div align="center">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Arial;">Tho' it may be true that we're apart</span></div>
<div align="center">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Arial;">You will live forever...in my heart.</span></div>
<div align="center">
</div>
<div align="center">
</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #4c1130; font-family: Arial;"><em>Always and forever, my sweet babies...you are with me!! I love you all! Ethan, Jack, Jadon, Zac and Faith!! We love you, and we are so proud of you all!! xoxoxoxoxoxo</em></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<em><span style="color: #4c1130; font-family: Arial;"></span></em> </div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<em><span style="color: #4c1130; font-family: Arial;"></span></em> </div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg5YzOghZ6KZpQS62BhBbVFMEdBpN5BdcKsq7ymT5q3pwqt5nllr00ALSJFU3auHjVwqJSKQN4_6dUZZP8GJ5OrvWLPzWuIwqrlv1aFou8cF2rQPxlrNMYXCfLYNFgmcio2WuOpPdwi3PM/s1600/balloon+release+2.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg5YzOghZ6KZpQS62BhBbVFMEdBpN5BdcKsq7ymT5q3pwqt5nllr00ALSJFU3auHjVwqJSKQN4_6dUZZP8GJ5OrvWLPzWuIwqrlv1aFou8cF2rQPxlrNMYXCfLYNFgmcio2WuOpPdwi3PM/s320/balloon+release+2.JPG" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Fly high</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhrT-tDYu_7zSpmEO5o3Fby3US-k3iZpegkWHUstRlhhu80_tubHZzhCJqEV4aLKSlPzfJg7ojDXPDfZP495lkZC7aN-IS4V1Nc2kPLgrxDslJHIjDq4cbuopcYWqkui_HY-CUbQpaX4jg/s1600/balloon+release.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhrT-tDYu_7zSpmEO5o3Fby3US-k3iZpegkWHUstRlhhu80_tubHZzhCJqEV4aLKSlPzfJg7ojDXPDfZP495lkZC7aN-IS4V1Nc2kPLgrxDslJHIjDq4cbuopcYWqkui_HY-CUbQpaX4jg/s320/balloon+release.JPG" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Evan with his balloon to release</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhEAB0dO3Cg-guwuiXXnOLhLWVTIDE7CGAIQeiXZjpnKvM27epTb5pNQjYRwTU8ZZcSboB4l71_KwQg1KK0S4HLjNA93mBaRNtB5RobGxTp4aWB0pLV_G83Dy132o7ggEXQ_flcbU-Tu6U/s1600/memorial+1.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhEAB0dO3Cg-guwuiXXnOLhLWVTIDE7CGAIQeiXZjpnKvM27epTb5pNQjYRwTU8ZZcSboB4l71_KwQg1KK0S4HLjNA93mBaRNtB5RobGxTp4aWB0pLV_G83Dy132o7ggEXQ_flcbU-Tu6U/s320/memorial+1.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Heading to the cemetery</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhoORRJIH1j7jc-ZY_Wzh2vvSXEV9LUiCOhcSg4OoS-yK6NhcikfZrLv3DR7FIg_ffZdTA4flaWbj7eyLwZsbe0k9daIfYCQ_rGzA9UJuXSVxO7fCXqWvNM9btiFXrzQXPPRmQm_XfF36w/s1600/memorial+stone.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhoORRJIH1j7jc-ZY_Wzh2vvSXEV9LUiCOhcSg4OoS-yK6NhcikfZrLv3DR7FIg_ffZdTA4flaWbj7eyLwZsbe0k9daIfYCQ_rGzA9UJuXSVxO7fCXqWvNM9btiFXrzQXPPRmQm_XfF36w/s320/memorial+stone.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The memorial stone that now have Jack, Ethan, Jadon and Faith's inscriptions</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div style="text-align: left;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
</div>
<span style="color: #4c1130; font-family: Arial;"></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #4c1130; font-family: Arial;"></span><br />Heatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15548473755870852203noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-946244233476709467.post-5502004953468033442013-05-08T09:12:00.000-06:002013-05-08T09:20:50.089-06:00Gratitude in grief...<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: 36px;"><span style="color: red;"></span></span><span style="font-size: 36px;"><span style="color: red;"></span></span><span style="font-size: 36px;"><span style="color: red;"><span style="font-size: 18px;"><span style="font-family: comic sans ms,cursive;"></span></span></span><span style="font-size: 18px;"><span style="font-family: comic sans ms,cursive;"><span style="color: indigo;"><em></em></span></span></span></span> </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: 36px;"><span style="font-size: 18px;"><span style="font-family: comic sans ms,cursive;"><span style="color: indigo;"><em>On Sunday Brett and I were at church, and as we stood to sing during praise and worship...a very "tricky" emotional moment hit...HARD.</em></span></span></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: 36px;"><span style="font-size: 18px;"><span style="font-family: comic sans ms,cursive;"><span style="color: indigo;"><em></em></span></span></span></span> </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: 36px;"><span style="font-size: 18px;"><span style="font-family: comic sans ms,cursive;"><span style="color: indigo;"><em>As I looked in to the chior, there I came face to face with someone I both cherish and hurt from when I saw.</em></span></span></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: 36px;"><span style="font-size: 18px;"><span style="font-family: comic sans ms,cursive;"><span style="color: indigo;"><em>It was the face of the OB/Gyn who did my D&C at the end of November last year when we lost Faith.</em></span></span></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: 36px;"><span style="font-size: 18px;"><span style="font-family: comic sans ms,cursive;"><span style="color: indigo;"><em></em></span></span></span></span> </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: 36px;"><span style="font-size: 18px;"><span style="font-family: comic sans ms,cursive;"><span style="color: indigo;"><em>I found my breath absolutely catching in my chest. Tears instantly welled up. My head began to feel like it was spinning. </em></span></span></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: 36px;"><span style="font-size: 18px;"><span style="font-family: comic sans ms,cursive;"><span style="color: indigo;"><em>I didn't know whether to run or just stand firm in that spot and focus on my worship to God, or the pain in my heart.</em></span></span></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: 36px;"><span style="font-size: 18px;"><span style="font-family: comic sans ms,cursive;"><span style="color: indigo;"><em></em></span></span></span></span> </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: 36px;"><span style="font-size: 18px;"><span style="font-family: comic sans ms,cursive;"><span style="color: indigo;"><em>I stood firm in worship. </em></span></span></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: 36px;"><span style="font-size: 18px;"><span style="font-family: comic sans ms,cursive;"><span style="color: indigo;"><em>Don't get me wrong...I wanted to start asking all the "why" questions and allow the enemy to fill my head with feelings of confusion and hurt and anger. And for a long time I could not bring myself to sing aloud. But I knew I couldn't allow myself to bend to the enemy.</em></span></span></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: 36px;"><span style="font-size: 18px;"><span style="font-family: comic sans ms,cursive;"><span style="color: indigo;"><em></em></span></span></span></span><span style="font-size: 36px;"><span style="font-size: 18px;"><span style="font-family: comic sans ms,cursive;"><span style="color: indigo;"><em>I refused.</em></span></span></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: 36px;"><span style="font-size: 18px;"><span style="font-family: comic sans ms,cursive;"><span style="color: indigo;"><em></em></span></span></span></span> </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: 36px;"><span style="font-size: 18px;"><span style="font-family: comic sans ms,cursive;"><span style="color: indigo;"><em>In that moment, I felt something that caught me by surprise.</em></span></span></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: 36px;"><span style="font-size: 18px;"><span style="font-family: comic sans ms,cursive;"><span style="color: indigo;"><em>I felt gratitude.</em></span></span></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: 36px;"><span style="font-size: 18px;"><span style="font-family: comic sans ms,cursive;"><span style="color: indigo;"><em>Let me explain...</em></span></span></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: 36px;"><span style="font-size: 18px;"><span style="font-family: comic sans ms,cursive;"><span style="color: indigo;"><em></em></span></span></span></span> </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: 36px;"><span style="font-size: 18px;"><span style="font-family: comic sans ms,cursive;"><span style="color: indigo;"><em>When we lost Faith, Brett was out of the country. I had gone for a follow up ultrasound after just seeing her precious beating heart a week earlier. We were just going to gauge her growth at that appointment as she was a tiny bit smaller than what my due date would have suggested. </em></span></span></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: 36px;"><span style="font-size: 18px;"><span style="font-family: comic sans ms,cursive;"><span style="color: indigo;"><em>At that follow up ultrasound, my mom had come with me. My mom had to witness baring the news of once again "I am so sorry Heather, it's not good news..."</em></span></span></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: 36px;"><span style="font-size: 18px;"><span style="font-family: comic sans ms,cursive;"><span style="color: indigo;"><em>And a whirlwind of events to follow as I chose another D&C option. </em></span></span></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: 36px;"><span style="font-size: 18px;"><span style="font-family: comic sans ms,cursive;"><span style="color: indigo;"><em>Brett was stuck out of country, so my mom came with me the day of my D&C. </em></span></span></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: 36px;"><span style="font-size: 18px;"><span style="font-family: comic sans ms,cursive;"><span style="color: indigo;"><em>I just remember pleading with God to send angels my way in the form of the nurses and staff, because how was I to bare the loss of our 5th baby?! I needed some earthly angels. I needed to know He cared in that moment.</em></span></span></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: 36px;"><span style="font-size: 18px;"><span style="font-family: comic sans ms,cursive;"><span style="color: indigo;"><em>Now, the first few nurses I dealt with...no, not angels at all. Actually...they should retire or quit...or at least not be in those settings. </em></span></span></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: 36px;"><span style="font-size: 18px;"><span style="font-family: comic sans ms,cursive;"><span style="color: indigo;"><em>But as the admitting nurse was filling out my forms for the "procedure", in walked a woman. My mom looked up and instantly burst in to tears. And at that moment...I knew my angel had just arrived. It was the OB/Gyn...a woman my parents know well from our church. And I burst in to tears as well and looked at her and said "I have been praying for an angel. He sent me you."</em></span></span></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: 36px;"><span style="font-size: 18px;"><span style="font-family: comic sans ms,cursive;"><span style="color: indigo;"><em>The admitting nurse didn't even KNOW who the doctor was! She thought she was just a nurse to take me down to the OR. So she explained that no, she was the doctor, and she would take me down to the OR personally.</em></span></span></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: 36px;"><span style="font-size: 18px;"><span style="font-family: comic sans ms,cursive;"><span style="color: indigo;"><em></em></span></span></span></span> </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: 36px;"><span style="font-size: 18px;"><span style="font-family: comic sans ms,cursive;"><span style="color: indigo;"><em>From the moment she took me down...more angels appeared. In the form of the OR nurse staff and anesthesiologist. </em></span></span></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: 36px;"><span style="font-size: 18px;"><span style="font-family: comic sans ms,cursive;"><span style="color: indigo;"><em>I shared about my losses with the first nurse who took me back from the OR waiting room, and she just wrapped her arm around me. When I got up on the table she said to the other women around her "this poor woman has been through so much pain...lets be extra caring". </em></span></span></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: 36px;"><span style="font-size: 18px;"><span style="font-family: comic sans ms,cursive;"><span style="color: indigo;"><em></em></span></span></span></span> </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: 36px;"><span style="font-size: 18px;"><span style="font-family: comic sans ms,cursive;"><span style="color: indigo;"><em>(OK...I am now in tears as I recall this day.)</em></span></span></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: 36px;"><span style="font-size: 18px;"><span style="font-family: comic sans ms,cursive;"><span style="color: indigo;"><em></em></span></span></span></span> </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: 36px;"><span style="font-size: 18px;"><span style="font-family: comic sans ms,cursive;"><span style="color: indigo;"><em>Now, back to Sunday.</em></span></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 36px;"><span style="font-size: 18px;"><span style="font-family: comic sans ms,cursive;"><span style="color: indigo;"><em>As I looked at the chior and saw this OBs face...I felt so thankful that in the midst of such pain and heartbreak, God provided physical, earthly loving arms and people I knew were praying over me as Faith was removed from my womb.</em></span></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 36px;"><span style="font-size: 18px;"><span style="font-family: comic sans ms,cursive;"><span style="color: indigo;"><em>I knew this OB/G was praying over me, and praying for the soul of Faith now in heaven. </em></span></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 36px;"><span style="font-size: 18px;"><span style="font-family: comic sans ms,cursive;"><span style="color: indigo;"><em>I knew God was showing himself in a time of suffering and heart ache.</em></span></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 36px;"><span style="font-size: 18px;"><span style="font-family: comic sans ms,cursive;"><span style="color: indigo;"><em>I knew He was with me, showing me that He loves me.</em></span></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 36px;"><span style="font-size: 18px;"><span style="font-family: comic sans ms,cursive;"><span style="color: indigo;"><em>I looked at the face of this woman, and I thanked God for her. </em></span></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 36px;"><span style="font-size: 18px;"><span style="font-family: comic sans ms,cursive;"><span style="color: indigo;"><em>I thanked God that it was her hands handling our baby girl, lovingly, gently and with prayers of blessing over her life.</em></span></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 36px;"><span style="font-size: 18px;"><span style="font-family: comic sans ms,cursive;"><span style="color: indigo;"><em>Even though I would rather that her hands would have been handing Brett and I our daughter, alive and well and loudly crying this July (my due date was July 6th), at least I knew she was handled with hands that know and love the same God that we serve, and that in the moment of loss...she was still handled with love and care.</em></span></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 36px;"><span style="font-size: 18px;"><span style="font-family: comic sans ms,cursive;"><span style="color: indigo;"><em>Yesterday I was talking to my mom and sharing how difficult that moment had been when I saw the Dr's face on stage, and my mom told me that the Dr has been asking about me and wanting to know how I was doing. That she thinks of me and prays for me often. And that she herself believes that day was nothing less than God's hand in the day. I guess she wasn't even supposed to be there that day. And I remember her telling us as she took my mom and I down to the OR waiting room that she has never gone to get a patient personally.</em></span></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 36px;"><span style="font-size: 18px;"><span style="font-family: comic sans ms,cursive;"><span style="color: indigo;"><em>God was there that day. Proving that in this time He loved me still. Proving that He was sending His protection and earthly care in the form of this OB and her OR staff.</em></span></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 36px;"><span style="font-size: 18px;"><span style="font-family: comic sans ms,cursive;"><span style="color: indigo;"><em>He was there. </em></span></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 36px;"><span style="font-size: 18px;"><span style="font-family: comic sans ms,cursive;"><span style="color: indigo;"><em>And Faith was cared for, loved, and dignified.</em></span></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 36px;"><span style="font-size: 18px;"><span style="font-family: comic sans ms,cursive;"><span style="color: indigo;"><em>And so was I.</em></span></span></span></span></div>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgabJbNetmnwnVP8mPFNt_0nTxb4PP__syphnHDkqWOt2qIkR6PtxRW5LE0hamGe_CYJ1AeFyu-COV_HamHMbIivehcG9qz7eqkt1qLkQvR5GidW3nj8_jJQ0qSQr19vWCwl06s71-vdk0/s1600/FAITH.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgabJbNetmnwnVP8mPFNt_0nTxb4PP__syphnHDkqWOt2qIkR6PtxRW5LE0hamGe_CYJ1AeFyu-COV_HamHMbIivehcG9qz7eqkt1qLkQvR5GidW3nj8_jJQ0qSQr19vWCwl06s71-vdk0/s320/FAITH.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Loved always Baby Faith!! xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox</td></tr>
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<span style="font-size: 36px;"><span style="font-size: 18px;"><span style="font-family: comic sans ms,cursive;"><span style="color: indigo;"></span></span></span></span><br />Heatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15548473755870852203noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-946244233476709467.post-45841864925091395552013-04-12T09:12:00.005-06:002013-04-12T09:12:51.809-06:00This and That...<span style="color: #674ea7; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Well, I am realizing how little I post here any more. </span><br />
<span style="color: #674ea7; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Maybe because life is just too busy (for sure). </span><br />
<span style="color: #674ea7; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Maybe because life gets complicated (absolutely).</span><br />
<span style="color: #674ea7; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Maybe I get discouraged because I know the focus of this blog was to update so many who were praying, petitioning and encouraging me through my weeks in the hospital and then following the journey after the boys were born, Zac passing away, and the NICU journey of Evan...and the comments were encouraging to want to keep posting even after we got home. But now...with no comments or feedback...I guess I wonder if there is any point to keeping this blog going. I wonder if this blog has a purpose anymore.</span><br />
<span style="color: #674ea7; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"></span><br />
<span style="color: #674ea7; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Then again, maybe it isn't about who comments or wondering if people read this anymore. </span><br />
<span style="color: #674ea7; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"></span><br />
<span style="color: #674ea7; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Maybe it is still a good outlet for myself. Though these days I am finding myself far more guarded with my personal life. So there are a few reason why I debate about keeping this blog going.</span><br />
<span style="color: #674ea7; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"></span><br />
<span style="color: #674ea7; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">However, in the meantime...I sure hope that somehow this blog remains somewhat of an encouragement to someone. </span><br />
<span style="color: #674ea7; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"></span><br />
<span style="color: #674ea7; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"></span><br />
<span style="color: #674ea7; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Lately I've been thinking about loss. </span><br />
<span style="color: #674ea7; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">For me, it has obviously been regarding the loss of our 5 heavenly babies. But there are other losses I have encountered and endured in life. Losses that have hurt my heart and left me confused and sad. Losses that sometimes you just come to realize there is only so much one person can do. And in order to care for yourself...you have to move forward and pray for the best solution that GOD can provide. </span><br />
<span style="color: #674ea7; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">I won't lie...I am a "fixer". I want to take care of everyone and everything. Sometimes at the cost of my own personal care. I worry about others and carry others pains and burdens. </span><br />
<span style="color: #674ea7; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">And when I realize that my help or friendship is not enough to repair a situation, it's hard to accept.</span><br />
<span style="color: #674ea7; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"></span><br />
<span style="color: #674ea7; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">But the lesson God keeps on trying to hammer in to my head is that it is HE who needs to be the healer. Sometimes through me, and sometimes in other ways. And when it is not particularly through me...it doesn't mean that I have failed. It just means that I have done what I can, and now HE needs to carry on the way HE sees fit.</span><br />
<span style="color: #674ea7; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"></span><br />
<span style="color: #674ea7; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Over and over God keeps trying to get me to FINALLY accept that I can NOT control everything. </span><br />
<span style="color: #674ea7; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">I can NOT fix everything.</span><br />
<span style="color: #674ea7; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">He is the one in control, and he is the ultimate Healer.</span><br />
<span style="color: #674ea7; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">My job...is to continue to pray. Sometimes that is all a person can do...pray. </span><br />
<span style="color: #674ea7; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">No matter how hard it is to step back.</span><br />
<span style="color: #674ea7; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"></span><br />
<span style="color: #674ea7; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">I am to trust God.</span><br />
<span style="color: #674ea7; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">I am to take my burdens, my worries, my cares, my hurts, my fears, my doubts...to HIM.</span><br />
<span style="color: #674ea7; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"></span><br />
<span style="color: #674ea7; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">I am to thank God.</span><br />
<span style="color: #674ea7; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Thank Him for the many blessings in my life. For years of health and protection. For guidance. For peace. For comfort. For security. For safety.</span><br />
<span style="color: #674ea7; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"></span><br />
<span style="color: #674ea7; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">I am to let go of that which I am not in control.</span><br />
<span style="color: #674ea7; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"></span><br />
<span style="color: #674ea7; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">So today...it's yet another new day of letting go.</span><br />
<span style="color: #674ea7; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"></span><br />
<span style="color: #674ea7; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">I may have to do this multiple times a week...but each day is a new start. I have been granted that blessing in each morning I wake up. Each day is a new day to BETTER myself, and not stay stuck in yesterday. </span><br />
<span style="color: #674ea7; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Hurts remain. Of course they do. Loss hurts. And He is not asking me to forget the ones I have lost on this earth. BUT, I DO know that this will last only for THIS lifetime. Because heaven is my home. And there...life truly begins. And I will rejoin with the ones I have lost on this earth.</span><br />
<span style="color: #674ea7; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Until then, I pray for the ones who struggle to find their way in Christ. </span><br />
<span style="color: #674ea7; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">I pray for healing and renewed spirits and minds.</span><br />
<span style="color: #674ea7; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">I pray for protection and hope and a new sense of joy.</span><br />
<span style="color: #674ea7; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">I pray that we would live lives that would honour God and His word. Not live life one way to certain people, and then become the complete opposite to others. That we would live with dignity and follow God's word and be pleasing to Him.</span><br />
<span style="color: #674ea7; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"></span><br />
<span style="color: #674ea7; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">We are responsible for only our own actions and words. We can't be responsible for others.</span><br />
<span style="color: #674ea7; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"></span><br />
<span style="color: #674ea7; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Today I own myself. And today I release the burdens I have been carrying.</span><br />
<span style="color: #674ea7; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"></span><br />
<span style="color: #674ea7; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">God will make something beautiful out of brokeness. I know that with certainty. He has created some precious master pieces in my own life with the brokeness of this heart. And I will choose to honor Him!</span><br />
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<span style="color: #674ea7; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Blessings!</span>Heatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15548473755870852203noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-946244233476709467.post-41919871192316947522013-03-18T10:13:00.003-06:002013-03-18T13:12:06.636-06:00March 9th...party day on earth and in heaven...<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;"><em>Birthday Day...for both of my boys...</em></span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Who ever thinks that they will celebrate their sons in such opposite meaningful ways in one day?</span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">March 9th.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We threw Evan's 4th bithday party on March 9th.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">But we began the day with celebrating, just the three of us, Zac's 4th Angelversary Day.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">March 9th, four years ago...we said "see you in heaven" to our sweet Zac, our first born son, Evan's twin brother.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We started the day with heading out to the cemetery to release four balloons to heaven for Zac.</span></div>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgf6n7R9W_6Cvtk3ps4zfnNJ6ROBdE81A6UiBPHh9kzkuT9ukjVM9Bw-tnFgBrm0Ot6alPqecloaNWTpsUQ55sIOiI9zurldDy_4GBGplGbc1_NVE0SYkZwn3FeB07SFHcfFgOOiY11QyU/s1600/Balloon+release+3.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgf6n7R9W_6Cvtk3ps4zfnNJ6ROBdE81A6UiBPHh9kzkuT9ukjVM9Bw-tnFgBrm0Ot6alPqecloaNWTpsUQ55sIOiI9zurldDy_4GBGplGbc1_NVE0SYkZwn3FeB07SFHcfFgOOiY11QyU/s320/Balloon+release+3.JPG" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Evan releasing his balloons<br />
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It's strange how one can find a way to smile and find a strange sense of joy in such an act. But there is something about at least being able to watch those balloons rise up to the skies, and just for a moment, pretend that Zac will reach out and grab them, or at least see them from heaven.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">But the moment was precious, and cherished.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We then headed home where I started prepping and doing a mad-dash cleaning before our guests began to arrive. The night before cleaning is useless to me in some respects, having 2 dogs, lots of snow and wet paws that enter the house. So some stuff just has to be left.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The day was loud. The day was full of 6 excited and lively children.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The biggest hit...the pinata! </span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">But as with every birthday comes that forever bitter-sweet ache in my heart. </span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">To watch my sweet Evan celebrating, being celebrated and enjoying his day...fills my heart with joy.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And in the same breath...feeling the ache of the spot missing beside him...the spot where Zac should be. That silent ache that stays hidden in my heart, that stays masked behind the smile (don't get me wrong...the smile is truly genuine!)</span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">But those are the emotions of a parent who has lost a child. Especially on a birthday where your twin sons can not be celebrating together as they should have been.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I know it is more for my heart and my determination to have Zac a part of party days, but as usual, I made two birthday cakes. One for Evan, and one for Zac.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">This mommy heart just can't do one cake without the other. It brings me joy and a bit of healing each birthday. And maybe one day when Evan is older it will end...at least at parties, but for now while these parties consist mainly of family and close friends...I will continue. And one day those cakes will be a private time for our family alone.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">But...right now...I just can't end this tradition I have begun.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Though our sons may not sit side-by-side for birthday photos, and open gifts together, and we may not hear "Happy Birthday dear Evan and Zac..." when singing is going on...my sons will always be in my heart together on their birthday. And each March 9th, Zac's Angelversary, will be a special time for our little family.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I am blessed by the lives of our children, though 5 will never celebrate birthdays here on this earth...we will celebrate one day together in heaven ALL of our children!</span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">But this March 9th was filled with love, joy, gratitude, thankfulness and peace.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And it was pure heaven to watch Evan just so excited and having so much fun, and knowing we were celebrating his miraculous life here with us. And I am so grateful. So very, very grateful!</span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Mommy loves you my "little" boy!! xoxoxo</span></div>
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<span style="color: #0b5394; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><strong><em>Happy 4th Birthday my boy!! xoxo</em></strong></span></div>
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Heatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15548473755870852203noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-946244233476709467.post-74309046685439448212013-03-06T01:41:00.002-06:002013-03-06T01:41:39.873-06:00Happy Birthday!!<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: blue; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;"><em>At 10:50pm and 10:51pm on March 6, 2009...two looooooooong awaited precious little miracles dramatically entered this world 12 weeks early.</em></span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;"><em>That's you and your brother, buddy.</em></span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;"><em>I can not believe 4 years have gone by. </em></span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;"><em>At bed time daddy asked if you were excited to be 4.</em></span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;"><em>And hearing that made me realize...this was your last night as my 3 year old! And suddenly, tears welled up in my eyes. </em></span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;"><em>So, we snuggled in bed a little longer. We did our letters in the sky a little longer. We laughed a bit louder. We chatted a bit more than usual. And we fell asleep side by side.</em></span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;"><em>And when I woke to come back out to finish getting things tidied, my heart just swelled.</em></span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;"><em>I watched you a bit longer as you slept peacefully.</em></span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;"><em>I went back in time in my mind from your and Zac's quick entry in to this world. </em></span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;"><em>And each day, week, month and year that has followed.</em></span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;"><em>Yes, my heart aches with missing your brother, and wondering. Wondering who he would have been. Wondering about his personality. Wondering how life would have been with the two of you growing together, and celebrating another birthday side by side.</em></span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;"><em>Yet, you fill my heart with such unspeakable joy. I can not even put my feelings in to the right words. You have brought your daddy and I such joy, such healing, such love...and we just cherish every single second we are blessed together with you!</em></span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;"><em>I know your brother, and each of your 4 other siblings in heaven are watching over you, and us. I know they want us all to be happy. I know they are smiling down on us. And that warms my heart as well.</em></span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;"><em>You have grown up so much this past year. It is incredible! Your vocabulary, your speech, your thought process, your personality...your sweet sweet sweet little heart...just keeps growing and exploding.</em></span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;"><em>Listening to you when we are talking together just blows me away. And makes me feel so proud of you, and of the job daddy and I are doing. We want the very best for you. And we want you to be your very best. To love others, to show fairness and compassion. To grow in wisdom and determination. To be surrounded by those who will build you up to be the man God desires for you, and who we desire you to be. </em></span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;"><em>We've had more milestones this year. No more NICU follow ups for you! You are all graduated.</em></span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;"><em>You are almost done Wee College, and your independence and confidence just keep growing!</em></span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;"><em>I enrolled you for Preschool in the fall!!!</em></span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;"><em>AND you are enrolled for soccer!</em></span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;"><em>You LOVE playing Xbox Star Wars Leggo with daddy. And watching the two of you having fun and watching you play this game the way you do...it's bizarre! So much "one of the guys". </em></span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;"><em>You are getting good at writing your name and working on all the letters. You love to use your imagination.</em></span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;"><em>Today when I picked you up from Wee College I watched as you were finishing up with your class. You couldn't see me. And I watched you at your table finishing your craft, then going to your mat before being dismissed. Watching you raise your hand to answer a question. And then when you turned and saw me in the window...the way your face lit up. I don't ever want that to change. I don't ever want you to lose that light in your face! </em></span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;"><em>I just felt my heart swell to the point of exploding. I saw my little wonder, my 2lb little wonder in his isolette, now in preschool. And my heart could barely contain all my emotion.</em></span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;"><em>Every day is a new adventure. </em></span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;"><em>Every day is a treasured gift.</em></span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;"><em>You are a blessing we never thought we would ever know.</em></span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;"><em>And Every. Single. Day...I am so very thankful. So very thankful for the gift of you in my life.</em></span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;"><em>And every single day I thank God for blessing you and your life. For blessing me and daddy with the honour of raising you.</em></span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;"><em>Yesterday I was watching you playing and suddenly I found myself texting daddy and thanking him for all of his hard work so that I have the treasure and honour of being able to stay home and raise you.</em></span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;"><em>I could not stand a minute apart from you. And I feel so blessed in being able to be a part of your daily life, and raising you. It is my greatest joy!</em></span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;"><em>It is 1:26am on the 6th. Your birthday day. And...I can't wait for you to wake up so we can start your birthday day together!! I can't wait to wrap you in a big birthday hug!!!</em></span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;"><em>Tonight we will have a birthday supper with the Grandparents. And on Saturday is your birthday party! You've been so excited about it! Your Angry Bird themed party! And I can't wait to get it ready!</em></span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;"><em>Oh my sweet Evan...you are my heart and soul. And though this day brings a bitter-sweet tug on mommy's heart, I am so looking forward to celebrating you and Zac! </em></span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;"><em>I don't think I will ever be able to truly voice how very much I love you, and how proud I am of you!!</em></span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;"><em>Happy Birthday my boy!!!!!!!!</em></span></div>
Heatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15548473755870852203noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-946244233476709467.post-89497045154425483282013-02-15T13:43:00.002-06:002013-02-15T13:46:34.484-06:00 A new milestone...<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiwF8FVqartMKtMIvtB-PosOzSBrgl2SxLUC8LiNALjzV2H7f-UMVCSHNmmI_K8Am7AGZA1UdBseNTFOMZIUvDH4yCTHl0bhfKkq_gAvRDsTPD3UeK3Lp75zl8lhPl-MEFCkHEcwnnv8BM/s1600/NICU+grad+2+photocopy.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiwF8FVqartMKtMIvtB-PosOzSBrgl2SxLUC8LiNALjzV2H7f-UMVCSHNmmI_K8Am7AGZA1UdBseNTFOMZIUvDH4yCTHl0bhfKkq_gAvRDsTPD3UeK3Lp75zl8lhPl-MEFCkHEcwnnv8BM/s320/NICU+grad+2+photocopy.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<em><span style="color: #444444; font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">NICU GRADUATION DAY!!!!</span></em></div>
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<em><span style="color: #444444; font-family: Trebuchet MS;">As those who follow know, because Evan and Zac were so premature, Evan was through the list of standard monitoring.</span></em></div>
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<em><span style="color: #444444; font-family: Trebuchet MS;">NICU follow ups with our Neonatologist. Physiotherapy. Speech Language. Occupational Therapy.</span></em></div>
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<em><span style="color: #444444; font-family: Trebuchet MS;">All of which always found Evan within normal ranges for his corrected, and even often actual age. </span></em></div>
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<em><span style="color: #444444; font-family: Trebuchet MS;">If I lost anyone there, because the boys were born 12 weeks (3 months) early, Evan has, until recently, been tracked by his corrected age. That being, when Evan was 4 months, he was gauged at 1 month milestone. 6 months at 3 months...you get the idea. Because birth wise...Evan and Zac should not have been born 12 weeks early...in an ideal world where life is fair.</span></em></div>
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<em><span style="color: #444444; font-family: Trebuchet MS;">HOWEVER, since that was not the case, this is how Evan has been tracked. Making sure he had been meeting his corrected age milestones.</span></em></div>
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<em><span style="color: #444444; font-family: Trebuchet MS;">So of course I was always so proud to hear that more often than not he was meeting his actual birth age milestones.</span></em></div>
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<em><span style="color: #444444; font-family: Trebuchet MS;">Anyhow, lets move on from the corrected/adjusted/actual age.</span></em></div>
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<em><span style="color: #444444; font-family: Trebuchet MS;">Bottom line...Evan always did wonderful, with never issues of great concern. </span></em></div>
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<em><span style="color: #444444; font-family: Trebuchet MS;">Relief for a mom who feared everything that COULD go wrong for my surviving son.</span></em></div>
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<em><span style="color: #444444; font-family: Trebuchet MS;">Evan has been finished with physio, OT, speech language (we only ever had two appointments for this as there were never concerns with his speech) for quite some time. At least a year. </span></em></div>
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<em><span style="color: #444444; font-family: Trebuchet MS;">Though NICU follow ups continued.</span></em></div>
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<em><span style="color: #444444; font-family: Trebuchet MS;">I often found myself irritated wondering when they would be done so we could just move forward with life, with the past in the past of NICU.</span></em></div>
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<em><span style="color: #444444; font-family: Trebuchet MS;">And so I felt that familiar irritation once again when I received the appointment letter for Evan for last month.</span></em></div>
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<em><span style="color: #444444; font-family: Trebuchet MS;">Though during the appointment, our wonderful Dr. Wonko said "well, generally I would track Evan until he turned 5 years, but really, we've never had concerns and he has always been consistent with things, so, this is it! We are done with the follow ups!"</span></em></div>
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<em><span style="color: #444444; font-family: Trebuchet MS;">Even though I felt a sigh of relief...I found myself tearing up. </span></em></div>
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<em><span style="color: #444444; font-family: Trebuchet MS;">Even though I had been irritated with things...I was now feeling sad to let go of our last link of the past. </span></em></div>
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<em><span style="color: #444444; font-family: Trebuchet MS;">And felt like I was saying good bye to a trusted and dear friend who had been with us and watching over our sweet Evan so closely, with such love and true care.</span></em></div>
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<em><span style="color: #444444; font-family: Trebuchet MS;">And it was HARD! </span></em></div>
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<em><span style="color: #444444; font-family: Trebuchet MS;">I still find myself tearing up even now as I type this! </span></em></div>
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<em><span style="color: #444444; font-family: Trebuchet MS;">What a feeling to look back and watch how lovingly Evan has been cared for. How cared for I have been, with ANY concern I may have had. I knew I wasn't alone, and I knew I had a wonderful doctor watching over this miracle of ours.</span></em></div>
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<em><span style="color: #444444; font-family: Trebuchet MS;">And it's hard to say goodbye to someone who holds such intimate parts of our past, and who has journeyed with us, and Evan, these past almost 4 years!</span></em></div>
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<em><span style="color: #444444; font-family: Trebuchet MS;">Letting go is never easy.</span></em></div>
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<em><span style="color: #444444; font-family: Trebuchet MS;">But these people who have cared endlessly for Evan...they will always be a part of our hearts!</span></em></div>
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<em><span style="color: #444444; font-family: Trebuchet MS;">I had fun snapping some pictures with my iphone while Evan and Dr. Wonko were going through Evan's assessment. </span></em></div>
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<em><span style="color: #444444; font-family: Trebuchet MS;">And even more fun with photoshop trying to play around with my favorite picture of the two of them.</span></em></div>
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<em><span style="color: #444444; font-family: Trebuchet MS;">Walking out of the hospital that day was...strange.</span></em></div>
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<em><span style="color: #444444; font-family: Trebuchet MS;">It was...it.</span></em></div>
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<em><span style="color: #444444; font-family: Trebuchet MS;">Looking up to the 3rd floor walkway where NICU is and thinking of every day there. </span></em></div>
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<em><span style="color: #444444; font-family: Trebuchet MS;">Smelling that familiar hospital smell.</span></em></div>
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<em><span style="color: #444444; font-family: Trebuchet MS;">Flashbacks to every day we had in that hospital, before the boys were born, after, and up until now.</span></em></div>
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<em><span style="color: #444444; font-family: Trebuchet MS;">But this time we were walking out one last time with my precious little boy's hand in mine together through the exit.</span></em></div>
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<em><span style="color: #444444; font-family: Trebuchet MS;">Milestones are strange.</span></em></div>
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<em><span style="color: #444444; font-family: Trebuchet MS;">Bitter-sweet almost.</span></em></div>
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<em><span style="color: #444444; font-family: Trebuchet MS;">But...it is nice to have this milestone with Evan at my side! Healthy, happy and filling my heart with so so so much joy and love.</span></em></div>
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<em><span style="color: #444444; font-family: Trebuchet MS;">I am grateful for this milestone.</span></em></div>
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Heatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15548473755870852203noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-946244233476709467.post-54670748354263180182013-01-07T08:46:00.004-06:002013-01-07T08:46:36.716-06:00After many years...<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;"><em>I finally did it!!!</em></span></div>
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<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;"><em>For YEARS I have wanted a tattoo. But have always held off.</em></span></div>
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<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;"><em>The biggest reason? Well, of course, because I was going to have 3 or more children and I didn't want to ruin a tattoo with stretching skin.</em></span></div>
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<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;"><em>And, though I have 5 heaven babies and my earthly miracle Evan...I will say...the stretching skin has not been an issue.</em></span></div>
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<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;"><em>I debated about holding off until our last and final transfer. But then...I realised...I am so very tired of holding off. I'm tired of "what if" and "maybe". I'm tired.</em></span></div>
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<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;"><em>I had finally decided, confidently, what I wanted tattooed on my body. It is going to be here forever, so it better be right.</em></span></div>
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<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;"><em>After our 13+ years of trying to have a family, after our losses, during the joy of Evan, and then recently in our loss of our baby, Faith...I knew. I knew what this tattoo was.</em></span></div>
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<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;"><em>And here it is...fresh after being done on January 4th, the day after my brutal post-op checkup...</em></span></div>
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<a href="http://i442.photobucket.com/albums/qq147/HDJMAC/MYTATTOOJan42012_zps6c2e17cb.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;"><em><img border="0" height="240" src="http://i442.photobucket.com/albums/qq147/HDJMAC/MYTATTOOJan42012_zps6c2e17cb.jpg" width="320" /></em></span></a></div>
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<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;"><em></em></span> </div>
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<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;"><em>"Still Standing"...</em></span></div>
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<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;"><em>It has SO much meaning to me. </em></span></div>
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<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;"><em>Not just because of our struggle to have children. Not just because of our losses. Not just because of the gift of Evan. </em></span></div>
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<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;"><em></em></span> </div>
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<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;"><em>It goes beyond that.</em></span></div>
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<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;"><em>Life has tried, on many occassions, to knock me down. And, on occassion, I have wanted to stay down because fighting to get back up just felt SO hard.</em></span></div>
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<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;"><em>But, I've always chosen to get back up. Not to be defeated. I may be a bit scarred along the way, but I wasn't going to let the wounds remain a bloody mess. No, I was going to get up and find a way to heal. Yes, the scars remain, but they prove I have fought and am fighting to rise above.</em></span></div>
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<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;"><em>I can't believe just HOW clichè this post is sounding! ME, of all people, the anti-clichè person...a post filled with them.</em></span></div>
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<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;"><em>But...it's true. These words are true.</em></span></div>
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<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;"><em>I am still standing. Through it all. I refuse to stay beaten down. I refuse to give up. I refuse to let disappointments and broken dreams/heart and pains of life keep me down.</em></span></div>
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<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;"><em>Ya, they will remain a part of me...and that is ok.</em></span></div>
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<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;"><em>But they will not rule me. </em></span></div>
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<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;"><em>The eternity heart was a symbol I had hoped to integrate in the tattoo, and I'm so glad that we did. She did a GREAT job! A tribute to all of our babies. That we will love each and every one of our babies until we all reunite for an eternity in heaven :)</em></span></div>
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<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;"><em>This tattoo is for me. It's a constant reminder. It's an encouragement. It's a kick in the behind when I need it.</em></span></div>
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<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;"><em>That tattoo appointment was more therapeutic than any session with a therapist!</em></span></div>
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<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;"><em>The "pain" of the tattoo itself was nothing compared to the pain my heart has felt. </em></span></div>
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<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;"><em>I was able to share with my tattoo artist the meaning behind this tattoo. Our losses, Evan, our recent loss in November, our "journey". This girl is 21. I thought maybe what I was saying would be lost...but...she was more amazing than she will ever know! After her condolences she bravely asked "I hope you don't mind me asking, and if you aren't up to talking about just let me know if I'm overstepping boundaries here but..." and asked questions of our reason of infertility (of which there is no known medical reason), and about our losses. She was freely discussing with me...and she has NO idea how much that meant to me!!!!!! </em></span></div>
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<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;"><em>She showed interest, care, empathy, respectful curiosity...but most of all she showed that she acknowledged the lives of all our children. And it was SUCH a freeing time for me!!!</em></span></div>
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<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;"><em>The whole night was just so liberating and freeing! </em></span></div>
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<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;"><em>When I got home from my appointment Brett commented that he hasn't seen me this excited in a long time! And it's true. OK, don't get me wrong...this is outside of each positive pregnancy test, babies, Evan...this excitement had to do with strictly ME :) Something I chose to do just for me. </em></span></div>
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<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;"><em>And I LOVE LOVE LOVE it! I keep staring at my arm and smiling! </em></span></div>
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<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;"><em>I do have one more tattoo planned. It is my memorial/tribute/closure tattoo. However, this one I do plan to wait to do until after our final transfer. Should this final transfer not be successful, then it will definitely be fitting and appropriate...and I will need that.</em></span></div>
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<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;"><em>Last night at my parents we were all remembering when my older brother was the first to come with a tattoo and how my mom thought it was a joke at first, then tried to pick at it believing it was a sticker and then was not too impressed (my parents were not supporters of tattoos back then ;) ), and then calling my dad to "come and see what your son has done". </em></span></div>
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<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;"><em>However, since it was dad's Clan Crest (my dad is 100% born and raised Scottish for those who don't know us personally)...I think that softened the "blow". :) hee hee hee</em></span></div>
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<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;"><em>My younger brother carried on the tattoo "trend".</em></span></div>
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<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;"><em>So, thank you brothers for paving the way for your sister :)</em></span></div>
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<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;"><em>This year did not start out the way we had envisioned with planning for our baby's arrival in July.</em></span></div>
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<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;"><em>2012 ended with sadness and loss, and 2013 has begun with heart ache and sorrow, however, we will continue to live in the love and joy that each day provides our family. We will continue to stive for peace and hold on to hope for whatever may come. We embrace every moment with Evan and the life, love, laughter and joy he brings to our lives.</em></span></div>
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<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;"><em>Regardless...this will be a year of change. Whether it be exciting change or closure change.</em></span></div>
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<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;"><em>Once our final transfer is done...it's done. </em></span></div>
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<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;"><em>Whatever that transfer results, our journey with ARTs (artificial reproductive technology) will come to a close. 7 years of ARTs, 13+ years of trying for children...</em></span></div>
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<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;"><em>After great loss and sorrow, I am choosing to begin 2013...Still Standing.</em></span></div>
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Heatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15548473755870852203noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-946244233476709467.post-28976394853219105522013-01-04T15:02:00.000-06:002013-01-04T15:19:30.940-06:00When everything that CAN go wrong DOES...<span style="font-family: "comic sans ms", cursive;"><span style="font-size: 18px;"><span style="font-size: 12px;"><span style="color: purple;"><span style="font-size: 14px;"></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "comic sans ms", cursive;"><span style="font-size: 18px;"><span style="font-size: 12px;"><span style="color: purple;"><span style="font-size: 14px;"></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "comic sans ms", cursive;"><span style="color: purple;"><span style="font-size: large;">I'm going to do this post in color because my morning felt so so so black and depressing!!</span></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "comic sans ms", cursive;"><span style="color: purple;"><span style="font-size: large;">And let me explain my post title. This pertains to my appointment yesterday morning. </span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"> </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "comic sans ms", cursive;"><span style="color: purple;"><span style="font-size: large;">So, I went for my 6wk post-op appointment with my OB/G-Peri yesterday morning. </span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "comic sans ms", cursive;"><span style="color: purple;"><span style="font-size: large;">First horrible thing...I had to drink all the water for a full bladder for my "lovely" ultrasound.</span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"> </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "comic sans ms", cursive;"><span style="color: purple;"><span style="font-size: large;">I got to the office and sure enough...it was like it was "brink of delivery day". EVERY. SINGLE. WOMAN. in that office was very, VERY pregnant. I sat there staring at my boots with tears rolling down my face trying to be "discreet", though I know a couple of these fortunate pregnant women witnessed what I was desperately trying to hide.</span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"> </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "comic sans ms", cursive;"><span style="color: purple;"><span style="font-size: large;">I was called back for my ultrasound. I was put in the waiting spot, right across from the ultrasound room. The radiologist was doing an ultrasound a woman and asking about was she still bleeding, etc? My heart went out to the woman...until I heard:</span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "comic sans ms", cursive;"><span style="color: purple;"><span style="font-size: large;">"Well, there are TWO babies in there!!" I could hear the dad "what?! No! Really? What?" and the radiologist saying "yes, here is baby one, and HERE is baby TWO! Are you sure there is no history of multiples in either side of your families?" Husband: "these are the first twins ever in either family!" Then I could hear the measurements happening, and the "here is the picture of your babieS".</span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"> </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "comic sans ms", cursive;"><span style="color: purple;"><span style="font-size: large;">That was it...I LOST it. I was SOBBING in that stupid little waiting cubicle. And <strong>SO ANGRY</strong> that I had to hear all of that.</span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "comic sans ms", cursive;"><span style="color: purple;"><span style="font-size: large;">The radiologist needed the door open because the room was so hot and she was having trouble with her eyes.</span></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "comic sans ms", cursive;"><span style="color: purple;"><span style="font-size: large;">Then...my turn. Lucky me.</span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "comic sans ms", cursive;"><span style="color: purple;"><span style="font-size: large;">She says "so, what's been happening since your last ultrasound?" Ummmm...obviously had NOT read my chart and had NO idea why I was there.</span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "comic sans ms", cursive;"><span style="color: purple;"><span style="font-size: large;">So, tears again I tell her "I lost our baby at the end of November and had to have a D&C. I'm here for the 6 week post op follow up".</span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "comic sans ms", cursive;"><span style="color: purple;"><span style="font-size: large;">Silence, sullen face and the all too familiar "I am SO sorry!"</span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "comic sans ms", cursive;"><span style="color: purple;"><span style="font-size: large;">We start talking through the u/s. I tell her our story and inform her that SHE was the one who actually told us the day we lost our identical twins 5 years ago at our "routine" 12wk u/s.</span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "comic sans ms", cursive;"><span style="color: purple;"><span style="font-size: large;">Again...more "I'm so sorry" and dropped face.</span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "comic sans ms", cursive;"><span style="color: purple;"><span style="font-size: large;">I tell her I need the results faxed to our fertility clinic before we even consider doing our final transfer of our very last blastocyste.</span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "comic sans ms", cursive;"><span style="color: purple;"><span style="font-size: large;">She asks if we will do IVF again. </span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "comic sans ms", cursive;"><span style="color: purple;"><span style="font-size: large;">I firmly say "absolutely not, I can't handle more of this pain".</span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "comic sans ms", cursive;"><span style="color: purple;"><span style="font-size: large;">Then she tells me about a patient she recently saw pregnant with her first baby. She is 49 years old. Got married 5 years ago. And went to the states for a donor egg...and it worked.</span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "comic sans ms", cursive;"><span style="color: purple;"><span style="font-size: large;">When we are done and I'm off the table she wraps me in a big hug and again tells me how sorry she is. But that it is a new year, and not to give up hope. Ummmmm...I have been saying that EVERY new year for the past 13 years of us trying to have a family. I'm tired of starting every year with that phrase. But for her benefit I agree, plaster on my perfected smile and brave face and say thank you. All the while in my head I'm screaming not so nice words.</span></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "comic sans ms", cursive;"><span style="color: purple;"><span style="font-size: large;">I then go back to the waiting room. Another woman and her maybe 5 or 6 year old son come in, go back for an u/s and come out and the mom is loudly beaming and saying "A GIRL! How EXCITING hey!!! A sister for you!"</span></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "comic sans ms", cursive;"><span style="color: purple;"><span style="font-size: large;">COME ON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Seriously God? Where was the protection in this day?!!!!!!!!</span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "comic sans ms", cursive;"><span style="color: purple;"><span style="font-size: large;">That was going to be US. WE were going to get to share with Evan about the baby growing inside of me. Our sweet Faith. And that day will never happen. </span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "comic sans ms", cursive;"><span style="color: purple;"><span style="font-size: large;">And now...I get told how that physically things look good. No remaining tissue can be seen.</span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "comic sans ms", cursive;"><span style="color: purple;"><span style="font-size: large;">Gee, thanks for confirming that our baby is completely gone from my body.</span></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "comic sans ms", cursive;"><span style="color: purple;"><span style="font-size: large;">THEN I get called back to my OBs office. The nurse is so very precious and hugs me and asks if I need any juice or anything (because I had burst in to tears again when she sat me in the room) and tells me to call her if I need anything while I'm waiting.</span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "comic sans ms", cursive;"><span style="color: purple;"><span style="font-size: large;">Here...this is what I need...I need the last 6 weeks to rewind. To hear that my baby is NOT dead. To have been at the office for my 14wk pregnancy u/s. To NOT be facing picking out a memorial plaque for yet another baby. </span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "comic sans ms", cursive;"><span style="color: purple;"><span style="font-size: large;">But I adored her for being so very compassionate.</span></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "comic sans ms", cursive;"><span style="color: purple;"><span style="font-size: large;">The final kicker?? I wait almost an hour in the room. And then, I get to see my OB's RESIDENT! I don't even see my own OB! I was a bit offended and hurt. But, apparently she was doing an ultrasound on another pregnant woman. So forget about the barren one sitting bawling in her room. Toss me off to a resident. </span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "comic sans ms", cursive;"><span style="color: purple;"><span style="font-size: large;">I do love my OB, and appreciate that she didn't want me to have to sit there even longer to hear her say the same thing that the resident said to me. It just would have been nice to feel dignified in seeing my OB personally.</span></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "comic sans ms", cursive;"><span style="color: purple;"><span style="font-size: large;">Whatever. I wasn't one of the important ones that day. My baby wasn't about to be born any day, as apparently every other woman in that office that day seemed to be.</span></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "comic sans ms", cursive;"><span style="color: purple;"><span style="font-size: large;">Yesterday marked the final moment of Faith. Yesterday marked that there is no more trace of our baby girl inside of me... where she should be safely tucked, growing, moving and ALIVE. It's over.</span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "comic sans ms", cursive;"><span style="color: purple;"><span style="font-size: large;">Well, I'm saying this in the earthly sense. I KNOW she is alive and well with her 4 brothers in heaven. But none of that knowledge is helping my broken heart right now. I know what I SHOULD be thinking and feeling in the heavenly sense...but I'm mad right now. I'm mad that this is our path...again. </span></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "comic sans ms", cursive;"><span style="color: purple;"><span style="font-size: large;">Anyhow, that is how my appointment went yesterday. </span></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "comic sans ms", cursive;"><span style="color: purple;"><span style="font-size: large;">I'm tired. Exhausted. Broken. Lost. Angry.</span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"> </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "comic sans ms", cursive;"><span style="color: purple;"><span style="font-size: large;">I just want to be done trying to conceive but that can't even happen until we do our final transfer. And I'm in no rush right now to do that, no matter how much I want our ARTs road to be done. Right now...I just have to breathe.</span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "comic sans ms", cursive;"><span style="color: purple;"><span style="font-size: large;"></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "comic sans ms", cursive;"><span style="color: purple;"><span style="font-size: large;">So I will be taking a chunk of time to rebuild my mind and body. I have to feel some shred of distant hope that in this coming time my body will heal enough to allow for a CHANCE for our remaining frosty-baby. I don't claim to believe this final transfer will work. I'm not even knowing HOW to pray about this last transfer. Just that God allows me some dignity of getting through with my head held high and my heart NOT broken AGAIN.</span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "comic sans ms", cursive;"><span style="color: purple;"><span style="font-size: large;">I have NO idea how this will all play out...but I'm sad that I have no comfort in anything anymore. I used to feel at least confident in the "numbers" of our blood pregnancy tests. I knew either way without a doubt pregnant or not. But after such high numbers with Faith...and with losing her...numbers no longer count. Numbers no longer gaurantee a thing. Numbers are just numbers.</span></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "comic sans ms", cursive;"><span style="color: purple;"><span style="font-size: large;">Right now I need to try to be still in where things are in the PRESENT.</span></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "comic sans ms", cursive;"><span style="color: purple;"><span style="font-size: large;">Evan and Brett are my living breath. What would I do without my guys?! They give me hope. They give me strength. They bring smiles, laughter and yes, even frustration. None of which I could live without! They are my heart and soul. And I adore them. And I am grateful for the both of them and for the life we have together. I love love love them! </span></span></span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh_XNMmwOiEZAzNgxJ3v41-LlVJIWXpiXpBtNKqNn0CxlvaaUFEvMRakhIVjRX1lNzPJ5Aftv6o6tPpIjTmMIHdtVLljrvfw7XdpY5hHSMkCZn7m05Cl-wvh4m_IZxO2OqfkeR-tk2wWMs/s1600/Dec+2012+(3).jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="230" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh_XNMmwOiEZAzNgxJ3v41-LlVJIWXpiXpBtNKqNn0CxlvaaUFEvMRakhIVjRX1lNzPJ5Aftv6o6tPpIjTmMIHdtVLljrvfw7XdpY5hHSMkCZn7m05Cl-wvh4m_IZxO2OqfkeR-tk2wWMs/s320/Dec+2012+(3).jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiKL7cA1GwwUL5hzmBTgmvh_gwhqeRsGPra6Y07afT3ZBILTDEgO35T7QLo1Lnt1rZxqsViRjrh0xCSYnBAz2KZWrvWoc_KI9u5gQN3cr50W_jWXHjjRPvYVGXQPnRaRBlR8WI1pNS4xK8/s1600/Dec+2012+(1).jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="228" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiKL7cA1GwwUL5hzmBTgmvh_gwhqeRsGPra6Y07afT3ZBILTDEgO35T7QLo1Lnt1rZxqsViRjrh0xCSYnBAz2KZWrvWoc_KI9u5gQN3cr50W_jWXHjjRPvYVGXQPnRaRBlR8WI1pNS4xK8/s320/Dec+2012+(1).jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEge79DSnqv_YmtuFVIQup3tySfbo7GB01-4pBKEJ6Qwgsia5CgSW5mCvGc5TFNBtdG-GD0wBMSNdZZxlem5GjgfdhiTGnrMwHDwbJTPhwp5x4pnSyyMDFwOpr_gekqK9P5CUeYqvMk4MaY/s1600/Cutie+pie.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEge79DSnqv_YmtuFVIQup3tySfbo7GB01-4pBKEJ6Qwgsia5CgSW5mCvGc5TFNBtdG-GD0wBMSNdZZxlem5GjgfdhiTGnrMwHDwbJTPhwp5x4pnSyyMDFwOpr_gekqK9P5CUeYqvMk4MaY/s320/Cutie+pie.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
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<strong><em><span style="color: #444444; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">So due to the fact that we have no proper family style photos of us, and one was requested by one of my sister-in-laws, we quickly asked a friend of ours to come over and snap a few pictures for us.</span></em></strong></div>
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<strong><em><span style="color: #444444; font-family: Verdana; font-size: large;">These are a few.</span></em></strong></div>
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<strong><em><span style="color: #444444; font-family: Verdana; font-size: large;">Right here...in these photos...this is love.</span></em></strong></div>
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<strong><em><span style="color: #444444; font-family: Verdana; font-size: large;">Not even 3 weeks after losing Faith, I can be in this photo and smile, and mean it.</span></em></strong></div>
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<strong><em><span style="color: #444444; font-family: Verdana; font-size: large;">Because of my husband, and my son...and yes, even my dogs.</span></em></strong></div>
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<strong><em><span style="color: #444444; font-family: Verdana; font-size: large;">I can smile. And mean it.</span></em></strong></div>
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<strong><em><span style="color: #444444; font-family: Verdana; font-size: large;">Do tears still come? Of course they do. </span></em></strong></div>
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<strong><em><span style="color: #444444; font-family: Verdana; font-size: large;">We just lost our baby, our fifth baby. </span></em></strong></div>
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<strong><em><span style="color: #444444; font-family: Verdana; font-size: large;">Tears will always come.</span></em></strong></div>
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<strong><em><span style="color: #444444; font-family: Verdana; font-size: large;">Five years later I still weep for our triplets that we lost.</span></em></strong></div>
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<strong><em><span style="color: #444444; font-family: Verdana; font-size: large;">That will never change, because they were (are) our babies, and because I will always be their mommy.</span></em></strong></div>
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<strong><em><span style="color: #444444; font-family: Verdana; font-size: large;">I love each of our babies.</span></em></strong></div>
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<strong><em><span style="color: #444444; font-family: Verdana; font-size: large;">And time will never change that.</span></em></strong></div>
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<strong><em><span style="color: #444444; font-family: Verdana; font-size: large;">Tears will always have a place.</span></em></strong></div>
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<strong><em><span style="color: #444444; font-family: Verdana; font-size: large;">Because each of our children have a place in our hearts and in our family.</span></em></strong></div>
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<strong><em><span style="color: #444444; font-family: Verdana; font-size: large;">But here in these photos...my heart overflows with love, and with joy. Because in these photos, not only does it reflect who I love, but who I am loved by!</span></em></strong></div>
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<strong><em><span style="color: #444444; font-family: Verdana; font-size: large;">This little family of ours is the reason I breathe.</span></em></strong></div>
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<strong><em><span style="color: #444444; font-family: Verdana; font-size: large;">This family encourages strength, and hope, and love, and the fight to face each new day with grace and mercy and determination.</span></em></strong></div>
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<strong><em><span style="color: #444444; font-family: Verdana; font-size: large;">This little family of mine,</span></em></strong></div>
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<strong><em><span style="color: #444444; font-family: Verdana; font-size: large;">they keep me breathing.</span></em></strong></div>
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<strong><em><span style="color: #444444; font-family: Verdana; font-size: large;">They keep me smiling.</span></em></strong></div>
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<strong><em><span style="color: #444444; font-family: Verdana; font-size: large;">They keep me hopeful.</span></em></strong></div>
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<strong><em><span style="color: #444444; font-family: Verdana; font-size: large;">They keep my wrapped in love.</span></em></strong></div>
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<strong><em><span style="color: #444444; font-family: Verdana; font-size: large;">I am blessed,</span></em></strong></div>
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<strong><em><span style="color: #444444; font-family: Verdana; font-size: large;">and I am grateful.</span></em></strong></div>
<br />Heatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15548473755870852203noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-946244233476709467.post-64270372267422078762012-12-13T01:34:00.001-06:002012-12-13T01:38:23.388-06:00Not spoiled...CHERISHED!<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhLgu5y3FFkBXlcXvs_zlXZZiljY6gJ5pMxiNGbOybFjr4EFG8aEbktqE9IAd_5y3Jmx-PpK4sX9eQxnjfdPoWKf6Hc8mmDQOb2W4vED39tgz0hGlTeRcaE1Me7rz_vEqtC687Y1HvOgNU/s1600/not+spoiled...cherished.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhLgu5y3FFkBXlcXvs_zlXZZiljY6gJ5pMxiNGbOybFjr4EFG8aEbktqE9IAd_5y3Jmx-PpK4sX9eQxnjfdPoWKf6Hc8mmDQOb2W4vED39tgz0hGlTeRcaE1Me7rz_vEqtC687Y1HvOgNU/s320/not+spoiled...cherished.JPG" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Some say I'm spoiled...<br />
Mom calls me CHERISHED."</td></tr>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;">It has been said time to time that Evan is "spoiled".</span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">Let me be clear, that this has never been said in a rude way, or ever implying that Evan is ungrateful or demanding in "things". </span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">No, not at all.</span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">In reality, generally what Evan may want...within REASON, Evan gets.</span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">I'm not even going to be embarassed by that. </span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">Or apologetic.</span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">Or even agree with the term "spoiled".</span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">I was laughing with my older brother and my mom one day saying how I don't think Evan is "spoiled" at all...</span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">to me he is just plain ol' <em>CHERISHED</em>! </span><br />
<span style="color: blue; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">My brother told me I should have a t-shirt made!</span><br />
<span style="color: blue; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">And the other day...I finally did! :)</span><br />
<span style="color: blue; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">And I love it!!</span> </div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">And to me, there is a BIIIIIIG difference between spoiled and cherished. I'm sure there are some who would shake their heads and say otherwise...but honestly...I really don't care :)</span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">First, even though Evan is a SIBLING, he is still an only living child.</span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">Therefore, he has not had the fortune of gaining an older siblings toys or clothes. He has had to start from scratch.</span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">Nor does he have a living younger sibling to inherit his treasures that he has outgrown.</span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">Granted, a lot of the younger infant/toddler type toys he DID inherit from his cousin! Sooooo, that "spoiled" title does not truly fit.</span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">I won't say that I'm embarassed by what I purchase for Evan. Nothing is ridiculously expensive or extravagant.</span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">And in all honesty...why WOULDN'T I want to indulge my son time to time? It's not like we are out shopping every day.</span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">I DO understand the value of a dollar and don't want Evan thinking you just go buy whatever you want WHENEVER you want it. I am trying to teach him that you can't always have your way and sometimes you need to earn certain things.</span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">But seriously...he is not even FOUR yet...do you think he understands my logic?</span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">Though the times I DO say "not today buddy"...there is no fit-throwing. There is no lay-on-the-floor tantrum. There is no "I hate you mommy".</span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">Just an, "ok mommy, but I'd really like that such and such".</span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">But when I am able to treat my boy to a toy that lights up his face with excitement and I hear "OH THANK YOU so much mommy!!"...are you kidding me??!! Of COURSE I enjoy that.</span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">My son has been through a lot in his less than four years.</span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">My son has known disappointment, struggle, loss...</span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">So if I can indulge him with a toy here and there or a new learning game for his leap pad...you bet your pants I'm going to light him up!</span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">Spoiled? </span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">No, not at all.</span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">To me...purely cherished.</span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">And I am more than honored and grateful for this little boy whom I am able to grant a gift from time to time outside of Christmas and his birthday.</span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">I will never apologize for that :)</span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">We have been through hell to make it to the day we could treat a child of our own to a toy or new shirt.</span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">We have our one living child to lavish on.</span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">Five we wish could be passing on toys between the six of them.</span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">We would love to have hand me downs and pass me overs going through each of our six childrens hands.</span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">But that is not the way it is.</span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">So I will never be sorry for loving on my Evan!</span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">And I will never term him spoiled.</span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">He is purely, 110% cherished beyond measure.</span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">I don't just teach him to ask for himself.</span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">He is with me when we do our NICU donation in honor of Evan and Zac's birthday.</span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">He comes with me at Christmas time to take our homemade baking to the NICU parent waiting room to spread some cheer in a place that is not always so cheerful.</span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">We purchase the food hamper item for the Food Bank donation at the grocery store.</span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">I tell him how other children are not as fortunate and we have to always remember to be thankful, grateful and learn to pass on what we may no longer use, but someone else may cherish.</span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">I'm not raising him to expect things to be dished out to him.</span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">I'm raising him to have a tender heart to others. To respect others. To be thankful for the gifts he does receive. But that it isn't the importance of "things" because things will always fade away.</span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">But if we are in the store and he sees a Hot Wheels car that lights up his face...I will gladly give up my $3.00 coffee to grant him a $2.00 car that day!</span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">He is my everything.</span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">And I am just so thankful for this little boy.</span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">I dreamed for SO many years of the hope of one day being able to buy my own child something.</span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">It took 10+ years, and great heartache.</span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">So I will be the first to say...</span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">Evan is truly CHERISHED :)</span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">No doubt about it!</span> </div>
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Heatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15548473755870852203noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-946244233476709467.post-53860171012013116812012-12-07T11:46:00.001-06:002012-12-07T11:46:03.540-06:005 years already...how can that be?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<em><span style="color: #0c343d; font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif; font-size: large;">December 6, 2007</span></em></div>
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<em><span style="color: #0c343d; font-family: Trebuchet MS; font-size: large;">Loved, cherished, remembered always...</span></em></div>
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<em><span style="color: #0c343d; font-family: Trebuchet MS; font-size: large;">How can five years pass so fast?!</span></em></div>
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<em><span style="color: #0c343d; font-family: Trebuchet MS; font-size: large;">It goes so fast.</span></em></div>
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<em><span style="color: #0c343d; font-family: Trebuchet MS; font-size: large;">And yet...it's as clear today as it was that awful day when we were told your little hearts had stopped beating.</span></em></div>
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<em><span style="color: #0c343d; font-family: Trebuchet MS; font-size: large;">The pain "changes".</span></em></div>
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<em><span style="color: #0c343d; font-family: Trebuchet MS; font-size: large;">Time does "heal" in a way.</span></em></div>
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<em><span style="color: #0c343d; font-family: Trebuchet MS; font-size: large;">Life finds laughter and joy and hope again.</span></em></div>
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<em><span style="color: #0c343d; font-family: Trebuchet MS; font-size: large;">Then...more loss, and the confusion starts all over again.</span></em></div>
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<em><span style="color: #0c343d; font-family: Trebuchet MS; font-size: large;">Though my pain has found it's "normal" with missing my sweet Jadon, Ethan and Jack, it doesn't change the very real fact that my heart still aches for our first miracles lost on this earth.</span></em></div>
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<em><span style="color: #0c343d; font-family: Trebuchet MS; font-size: large;">It is hard to fathom that heaven holds 5 of our 6 precious babies. </span></em></div>
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<em><span style="color: #0c343d; font-family: Trebuchet MS; font-size: large;">It is hard to "accept" that these little lives live only through our hearts and memories. </span></em></div>
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<em><span style="color: #0c343d; font-family: Trebuchet MS; font-size: large;">It is hard to wait for the day that I will finally meet these precious angels.</span></em></div>
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<em><span style="color: #0c343d; font-family: Trebuchet MS; font-size: large;">I got to know Zac for the 28 weeks I carried him and Evan.</span></em></div>
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<em><span style="color: #0c343d; font-family: Trebuchet MS; font-size: large;">I got to see his precious eyes look for us as he heard our voices.</span></em></div>
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<em><span style="color: #0c343d; font-family: Trebuchet MS; font-size: large;">I got to hold him as his heart slowly stopped beating and he entered heavens gates.</span></em></div>
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<em><span style="color: #0c343d; font-family: Trebuchet MS; font-size: large;">He knew my voice. </span></em></div>
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<em><span style="color: #0c343d; font-family: Trebuchet MS; font-size: large;">He knew my touch.</span></em></div>
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<em><span style="color: #0c343d; font-family: Trebuchet MS; font-size: large;">He felt my love.</span></em></div>
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<em><span style="color: #0c343d; font-family: Trebuchet MS; font-size: large;">I wonder if Jadon, Ethan, Jack and now most recently our sweet Faith knew how very much I loved and wanted them.</span></em></div>
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<em><span style="color: #0c343d; font-family: Trebuchet MS; font-size: large;">How very much they were, and are, cherished by their mommy and daddy.</span></em></div>
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<em><span style="color: #0c343d; font-family: Trebuchet MS; font-size: large;">I wonder if they could feel my love inside of me, and hear my heart.</span></em></div>
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<em><span style="color: #0c343d; font-family: Trebuchet MS; font-size: large;">Things I can only wonder until one day I can ask them.</span></em></div>
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<em><span style="color: #0c343d; font-family: Trebuchet MS; font-size: large;">Though our time together was not nearly long enough...I cherish the time I had with each of our babies.</span></em></div>
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<em><span style="color: #0c343d; font-family: Trebuchet MS; font-size: large;">And though Evan is too young to truly understand that he is a brother in many ways, one day he will. And I pray that one day he will realize how valuable life is...the very second it is conceived. I know he will know that. Because we know it. We believe it. We live it.</span></em></div>
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<em><span style="color: #0c343d; font-family: Trebuchet MS; font-size: large;">He will know what a special brother he is.</span></em></div>
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<em><span style="color: #0c343d; font-family: Trebuchet MS; font-size: large;">A little brother to Jadon, Ethan and Jack.</span></em></div>
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<em><span style="color: #0c343d; font-family: Trebuchet MS; font-size: large;">A twin brother to Zac.</span></em></div>
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<em><span style="color: #0c343d; font-family: Trebuchet MS; font-size: large;">And now a big brother to Faith.</span></em></div>
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<em><span style="color: #0c343d; font-family: Trebuchet MS; font-size: large;">It isn't the way I hoped he would be a brother.</span></em></div>
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<em><span style="color: #0c343d; font-family: Trebuchet MS; font-size: large;">I wished he would have known the joy of a living sibling...squabbles and all.</span></em></div>
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<em><span style="color: #0c343d; font-family: Trebuchet MS; font-size: large;">I dreamed and prayed for the day he would have a sibling to watch over.</span></em></div>
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<em><span style="color: #0c343d; font-family: Trebuchet MS; font-size: large;">I don't know if that dream will ever become a reality.</span></em></div>
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<em><span style="color: #0c343d; font-family: Trebuchet MS; font-size: large;">In the depths of my heart I feel that prayer is being shut.</span></em></div>
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<em><span style="color: #0c343d; font-family: Trebuchet MS; font-size: large;">One can still hope...but when hope seems so lost, how do you keep on?</span></em></div>
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<em><span style="color: #0c343d; font-family: Trebuchet MS; font-size: large;">But for Evan's sake...and ours...I still whisper a silent cry that God would possibly consider blessing us just one more time with a LIVING child once again.</span></em></div>
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<em><span style="color: #0c343d; font-family: Trebuchet MS; font-size: large;">But if that is not His plan...I pray that He will bring very special friends and people in to Evan's life.</span></em></div>
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<em><span style="color: #0c343d; font-family: Trebuchet MS; font-size: large;">That his life will be filled with positive influences, incredible friendships, laughter, love, and one day a precious family of his own.</span></em></div>
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<em><span style="color: #0c343d; font-family: Trebuchet MS; font-size: large;">Time goes so fast.</span></em></div>
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<em><span style="color: #0c343d; font-family: Trebuchet MS; font-size: large;">It's hard when memories are so clear in your own mind, but you feel sad that they may be forgotten by others.</span></em></div>
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<em><span style="color: #0c343d; font-family: Trebuchet MS; font-size: large;">Though I suppose that is the way it goes sometimes.</span></em></div>
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<em><span style="color: #0c343d; font-family: Trebuchet MS; font-size: large;">But my memories will never fade.</span></em></div>
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<em><span style="color: #0c343d; font-family: Trebuchet MS; font-size: large;">My children will always be a part of me.</span></em></div>
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<em><span style="color: #0c343d; font-family: Trebuchet MS; font-size: large;">They were part of my body, even for short times. But we shared this body. </span></em></div>
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<em><span style="color: #0c343d; font-family: Trebuchet MS; font-size: large;">And they will forever share my heart.</span></em></div>
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<em><span style="color: #0c343d; font-family: Trebuchet MS; font-size: large;">Remembering many who hurt from the loss of a loved one this season.</span></em></div>
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<em><span style="color: #0c343d; font-family: Trebuchet MS; font-size: large;">Praying God's tender touch on all of our lives as we struggle to rejoice in the meaning of this season while we ache for the ones we can no longer hold, touch or see.</span></em></div>
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<em><span style="color: #0c343d; font-family: Trebuchet MS; font-size: large;">But memories can never be stolen.</span></em></div>
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<em><span style="color: #0c343d; font-family: Trebuchet MS; font-size: large;">Moments can never be taken away.</span></em></div>
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<em><span style="color: #0c343d; font-family: Trebuchet MS; font-size: large;">Praying God's peace and presence and blessing on us all!</span></em></div>
Heatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15548473755870852203noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-946244233476709467.post-80099515920933365572012-12-04T17:19:00.001-06:002012-12-04T17:30:51.834-06:00What was, what was dreamed, what will never be...<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgO4GH5IIXnFi9C0oeqFpueGkSeONOFS69LDa2pIxdR9EOoUdyBgwgd8ksKNLB0Tgrv_R-YOqcLjPjp9kQP-OlPd2URcOyxFRnLB_cvXPzeUosVcob9U9CqotJM-QdNvgzWOZglBeqxS3I/s1600/Transfer+day+Oct+17+2012.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgO4GH5IIXnFi9C0oeqFpueGkSeONOFS69LDa2pIxdR9EOoUdyBgwgd8ksKNLB0Tgrv_R-YOqcLjPjp9kQP-OlPd2URcOyxFRnLB_cvXPzeUosVcob9U9CqotJM-QdNvgzWOZglBeqxS3I/s320/Transfer+day+Oct+17+2012.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">October 17, 2012<br />
Transfer Day<br />
Such excitement and hope...</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEggfaQ4eP0BeneAMMi6oTIFZOdNq-KLqER-aNpFEdAijLTRVnnMFsQnrK-MS3qJNmiTleyXO-tlq_gD0C3AwzlLnNAMJFsh7ENHoHv8OgoZnLq61Dx-zfe1yinAkJzeJmHhBwzExZgWrtk/s1600/Baby+Faith.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEggfaQ4eP0BeneAMMi6oTIFZOdNq-KLqER-aNpFEdAijLTRVnnMFsQnrK-MS3qJNmiTleyXO-tlq_gD0C3AwzlLnNAMJFsh7ENHoHv8OgoZnLq61Dx-zfe1yinAkJzeJmHhBwzExZgWrtk/s320/Baby+Faith.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Our first photo of Faith...day of transfer. A hatched blastocyte.<br />
Our second photo of Faith...November 19, 2012. Our precious baby and her precious beating heart of 100 bmp.<br />
And yes...the test AFTER I knew from my blood test that I was pregnant.</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiJ7hg7PVN6sTKXQvoJFC_NLn6yigvnQnmoDeqHkOOz2KgVhPhxt7wh6Naup_Fs61v6g3C9vJpOS2smbvomqeOw2HcD-KKsPLldzeHPMN4y73mulfCAF6kEBxHgQorygLKB1ZzIy6sX6t4/s1600/Missing+Faith.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiJ7hg7PVN6sTKXQvoJFC_NLn6yigvnQnmoDeqHkOOz2KgVhPhxt7wh6Naup_Fs61v6g3C9vJpOS2smbvomqeOw2HcD-KKsPLldzeHPMN4y73mulfCAF6kEBxHgQorygLKB1ZzIy6sX6t4/s320/Missing+Faith.JPG" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">As I went through old keepsakes, I found this pink hoodie and onesie and I remembered...<br />
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<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;">Today is a day I just wanted to run from.</span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">My baby's remains were being picked up from the pathology lab by the funeral home so that Faith's remains can be cremated.</span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">My baby was cremated today.</span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;"></span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">I should be 9 weeks pregnant tomorrow.</span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">But I'm not any more.</span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;"></span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">I should still be excited about my clothes getting tighter.</span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">But instead I went and bought smaller jeans today.</span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">And I hated it.</span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">I hate that my belly will not be growing with my baby.</span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;"></span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">And then this afternoon, my puppy, Nash, reminded me how life can literally feel like walking through fresh crap.</span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">As I tried to choke down tears of the reality of life right now so Evan didn't see tears in my eyes...I stepped right in to a fresh pile of my dogs crap on my carpet.</span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">In my bare feet.</span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">I just stood there...stunned, and disgusted.</span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">Very much like how I feel with having lost Faith...stunned, and disgusted with the cruetly of it all.</span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">And while I washed my foot off in the tub...I started to laugh...and cry.</span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">What else can you do?! </span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">I thought this accident very fitting for the current events of our life and the knowledge my baby is now in an urn.</span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;"></span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">I look at the above pictures, and it feels like forever ago.</span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">October 17th...transfer day.</span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">I was realistic. Prepared for yet another negative result.</span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">But I had this renewed feeling of hope that I hadn't felt in so long. I felt hope.</span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;"></span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">I love that first picture of Faith. This is what your baby looks like prior to nestling in to your endometrial lining and growing for what seems to be such ease for so many people. How lucky, and how blessed you are.</span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">But how cool hey!? </span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">Look at your child right now, and see this picture of Faith...and realize this is how your baby began.</span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">It's crazy!</span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">Tell me there isn't a God who knits these precious little beings to life.</span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">How intricate and delicate and fragile.</span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;"></span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">Then look at that second, and final picture we have of Faith. November 19th.</span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">There she is. Growing, living...precious heart beating 100 beats per minute.</span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">Life. Precious life.</span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">The first and final time we would ever see that beautiful flickering heart. The first and last time we would see Faith growing inside of me.</span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;"></span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">I have to explain the hoodie and onesie.</span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">The hoodie was going to be a baby gift for someone 10 years ago. And I decided I loved it so much I just had to keep it. I dreamed of a day I would get to put it on my daughter. And it has sat in a bag ever since in my closet.</span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">The onesie was something one of my sister-in-laws bought when I was pregnant with Evan and Zac...just in case one of them turned out to be a girl.</span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">I had actually forgotten about that onesie until I took down the bag with the hoodie in it and found the box containing the onesie.</span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;"></span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">I've never had dreams about ME being pregnant. I know I've said this before. I know instantly when a friend is pregnant. I've called it every time before it's even announced. But me? Nope, never.</span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">Only after getting pregnant with Evan and Zac did I dream of two car seats covered by two white knit blankets. I didn't even know I was pregnant with twins at that time.</span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;"></span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">And just over a year ago...I had a dream.</span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">Brett and I in the delivery room. Our baby being born.</span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">I could hear her. I could smell the room. I felt the tears as they placed her on my chest.</span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">A head of jet black hair like her daddy. Steel blue eyes, like her daddy.</span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">We held her and wept.</span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;"></span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">The week before I learned we lost Faith I was at church. During worship it was like I could see a moment of our future. One of the pastor's (who did Zac's funeral and then dedicated Evan) was holding up our daughter, facing her to the crowd, and sharing the miracle of her life.</span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">It felt SO real. I truly believed God was showing me that this baby was going to be ok.</span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;"></span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">But she's gone.</span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">And though I know she is whole in heaven with her brothers...I am the one who is not ok.</span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">We are faced walking this ugly, familiar path of grief and loss once again.</span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">And it just feels so cruel and evil.</span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">It's not fair.</span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">Ya ya...life isn't fair, blah blah blah. </span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">Don't I know it. I don't need to be reminded. Every day holds pieces of reminders.</span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;"></span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">I'm tired.</span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">I can't sleep.</span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">My heart hurts.</span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;"></span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">Yes, Evan is my constant source of joy and love and healing and laughter and hope. He is definitely keeping me together.</span></em><br />
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<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">My husband is once again my rock in a storm.</span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">We had just hoped so badly that we could have enjoyed this pregnancy, and enjoyed just ONE TIME a complication free and full term and LIVE birth of our child.</span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">We are confused. </span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">We are stunned.</span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;"></span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">I'm trying.</span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">I'm trying to remember that God has not done this to "get me". I'm trying to stay grounded in my faith. I'm trying not to yell at Him too much.</span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">I know He gets it. </span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">I know He's big enough to handle my screaming and questions.</span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;"></span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">I'm just tired of these questions.</span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;"></span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;"></span></em> </td></tr>
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<br />Heatherhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15548473755870852203noreply@blogger.com3