Worst birthday card message EVER!!!!!!! :(

So, today is my husband's birthday. Yes, we are 3 days apart. Which is kind of fun! But earlier Evan and I went card shopping and as I was looking through cards for a dad, I pulled one out and started to read and something inside me was yelling STOP, DON'T READ THIS ONE!!!! And I should have listened. The outside said "Count your blessings dad... and the inside read the WORST most HORRID message I could have EVER read!!!! The inside said "I could have been twins". Even typing that out gives me the very same feeling I felt as I read that card. I stood there frozen. I could feel my body go weak and ice cold. I could feel myself wanted to rip the card to shreds and run out of the store with Evan and just scream. Instead, I felt myself die a little more inside. I felt myself wanting to track down the "writer" of this "card" and say...did you ever consider the hurting person who has LOST a twin?? I know I know...to that person this message was "cute" and "funny" and meant to be enjoyed. I found it offensive, thoughtless and brutally painful. I don't care who thinks I'm being over sensitive about this. Whatever, think what you want. But to me...a person whose twin son died in her arms...this card should be burned. I'm livid, I'm frozen, I'm broken all over again by reading that. And WHY would I have to be the one to pull out that STUPID card????? Why would I have to pull out the very card that would break my heart to a million MORE pieces?? Why, when I was looking for a sweet loving card from Evan to his daddy would I pull out a card that reminded me that Evan in a twin-less brother, and Brett is a twin-less daddy, and I am a twin-less mommy?? So for this year, Evan's name beside mine on my card to Brett will suffice. STUPID, DUMB, THOUGHTLESS, CARELESS, INSENSITIVE card writer...who ever you are...THINK NEXT TIME YOU THINK YOUR CARD WOULDN'T DEVASTATE A HUMAN HEART!! There is being cute and sarcastic cute...but how would it be a blessing not to be a twin. I guess to the singleton parent...maybe. But to parents who lost three of their four twins...this was not cute. OK OK, I can just feel my blood boiling now, so I'm going to stop now and try to walk away and forget I ever read this horrid, evil card. Here's a prayer request. It isn't for me. It's for my mom. She has the flu and is really wiped out. Could you (whoever you are) pray that she will begin to feel restored and healthy and that this bug will leave her system completely. And pray that my dad would be spared this bug also. Thanks. On that note, I'm going to sign off. I had TWO realtors show up unexpectedly today and my house was slightly disorganized. I was a bit choked by the one this afternoon because I had JUST put Evan down for his nap and he was barely asleep when the realtor when to the lockbox on our garage door and created a huge bark-fest from my dogs...resulting in Evan waking up crying and taking me an extra hour to get him back to sleep. This is so hard on Evan. Part of me wishes we could just move to the new house now and the realtors could show up at my house whenever they want. But with Evan and with living here...I NEED at LEAST a half days notice for a viewing! It's so unfair to Evan to have to constantly be uprooted and thrown off his routine. Yet I want to be accomodating because we NEEEEEEED to sell our house!!!!! So I had this second group leave for a bit and come back so I could FLY through my house and re-tidy it and make my bed and clean up bottles while trying to get Evan back to sleep! Yoiks! OH WELL!!! As long as it sells the house! Well, I'm off to catch up on some laundry.

This and that

Me and Evan on my birthday last year!!

Where do I begin! I've not been able to post as much as usual now that our house in on the market and I'm forever being kicked out at moments notice! If it were just me and the dogs it would be okay, but poor Evan is just being thrown for a loop every day!!! And of course people want to come see the house during his nap times...so we've basically been living over at my parents place! Thank heavens Evan has a routine over there and will eat and sleep with ease. So that's good. Plus my dogs have been in heaven getting to enjoy play time with my parents dog and enjoying the yard and the sun. I'm sooooooooooooo glad that the weather has become beautiful once again so that my dogs can be outside more. Makes it some what "easier" to keep the house tidy. My house has never been more maticulous for consecutive days!! I'm embarassed to admit that! But usually there are toys strung from one end to the other, dog pillows at my front window, and dishes on the counter. BUT, my house has been looking wonderful!

My mom came and helped "stage" a few of our rooms...and WOW...THIS is how it should have always looked! But with two dogs that sleep with us on occassion (yes...we let our boxers sneak up during the night because we are too tired to push them off) I've never dared brave having white bedding. But man does it look sharp!!! I love it!!

Right now my dogs are crashed on their pillows on the deck basking in the glorious sun...which really, I should be grabbing the same opportunity...but I wanted to update the ol' blog!

So yes, the week has been busy. We started the week with one of Evan's physio appointments, which this time also included his OT that he hasn't seen for a couple of months as well as the pediatrician through this program. Things are good, and the pediatrician is MORE than happy with Evan's development, growth charts, weight, health. So that was good. I can't remember if I updated this in the last post, so for now I won't go in to detail. Bottom line...Evan is doing really really well, and we are thrilled.

It can still get tiring not being able to just enjoy watching him as any other regular child without having to listen to all the textbook jargon and textbook milestones. I appreciate the program, and understand this is for Evan's good...and I'm MORE than happy to oblige. BUT, the "sad" part of me just gets down time to time realizing nothing will ever be "normal". Although...it's getting there. On a day to day basis when Evan and I are doing our thing...it feels normal! So that has been a great feeling! I've even stopped obsessing over weights and things that once used to drive me to panic and fear. He is doing awesome...and I have to trust him and myself.

Last post I had mentioned about meeting with a company for a quote on my blinds. We got on the topic of children, and she asked about Evan and I got to share Evan and Zac's story.

It feels SO good to me to be able to do that. To be able to include Zac in our birth story, regardless of how painful the ending. It means the world to me that people just listen and don't offer any "at least your Evan is doing well". They just listen, usually say "I'm so sorry" and just leave it at that. When we met with our realtor his brother had come with him and once again I was able to share about Evan AND Zac...and the one realtor seemed genuinely moved and so happy for seeing Evan for himself after hearing the story. And that meant a lot to me.

In all the hustle of preparing this house to sell, all the viewings, the packing, the cleaning, the moving boxes to the new house and cleaning up the new house to move in...I realize how busy life has become and how quickly days fly by and how life is just plowing ahead...yet a part of me can't leave March 9, 2009. Part of me will never be able to leave that day. Not that I'm "stuck"...just that this particular day will always feel frozen in my mind. Holding my first born son whom we dreamt of for almost 10 years as he took his final breaths in my arms. How could a mother NOT feel a part of her frozen in that day. A part of her that passed away with her child. It is such a sureal realization and such a dream-like reality. Some days it just feels too complex to comprehend.

It was my birthday on the 16th. I was too busy to care, and almost forgot my own birthday had it not been for my sweet hubby and family! I just didn't care that it was my birthday. To me, it's just another day. But now as a parent, I realize how special that day is to MY own mom and dad. Especially after losing their twin daughters. And I realized that even though I wasn't up to celebrating the day...I know my parents were rejoicing for the life of their own daughter! And I couldn't love them more! I love you guys!

But I started to think back one year ago to my 34th birthday. I sat by Evan's isolette as usual from morning to night, only leaving during rounds and shift change. There was no place else I wanted to be. I spent my birthday in the NICU as I did every day since Zac and Evan's birth, listening to all the beeps, bings, dings and occasional chaos around us. I sat there thanking God for the best birthday present ever...our sons. Thanking Him for the opportunity to be a mom to our not just our twins in heaven, but to our Zac in heaven now also and to Evan right in front of my eyes. Even though I was so angry at God...how could I not still thank Him?

Yet fear still held my heart because I still had no idea if Evan would make it through NICU relatively unscaved or at all. We knew he was doing well...but he still wasn't even a term baby at this point. He was still based on gestational weeks, even though he was already over a month old. I was still no where near my due date...yet I had been watching my son for weeks already outside of me.

What a precious gift and miracle our boys are. What a precious gift and miracle it is to have Evan home with us! I feel humbled and honored, yet unworthy all wrapped up in to one.

It's crazy to remember Evan one year ago, and now watching him trying to figure out how to shuffle along with furniture that he loves to push around. Watching him cruise up stairs now (yes, he has mastered climbing stairs!!). It blows my mind. Yet I see every day the same determination I saw in him each day in NICU. He has always been a determined little guy who has always known what he wants! He makes me smile and lights up my life in ways I never knew possible.

Yesterday my mom had Evan and my nephew Mason. When I finished errands I went back and it was so fun to watch these guys playing and interacting. But for the first time in a long time...my heart suddenly felt so overwhelmed with that ever-familiar sorrow. Now that Mason is crawling and pulling up on things he is on similar grounds as Evan, and to watch these two crawling around and playing...it made me miss Zac so so so much. I always miss Zac, but there are days now where I can smile more thinking about him than crying...but yesterday took everything in me not to fall to pieces. I found myself wondering what it would have been like to watch my sons playing together and interacting together and screaming at each other. And in an instant...it was back...the bitter reality that I will never know that wonder of seeing my sons together. I will never have that feeling of a little extra pride pushing my twin stroller down the street, or having people "ooooh" and "aaaaah" over both my sons and continue telling me "doubly blessed".

Don't get me wrong...people still "ooooh" and "aaaah" over Evan...and how could they not!!! My son is quite the charmer!!!! :) This morning we went to Broadway Cafe for breakfast and Evan decided to start flirting with an older lady at the table next to us...and it was HILARIOUS!!! He had SUCH the flirt on, and such the grin and giggles!!! It was priceless! Then we walked across the street to Starbucks so I could get my serious coffee (in love with quad grande Americano's now!), and Evan was trying to grab the girl in front of us. I let him touch her arm and he got all shy and flirty again, but then the shy was all gone and he kept trying to "pet" her arm! She was a good sport and her boyfriend was funny too! He said to Evan "hey little guy...she's taken!" and Evan got the giggles! Oooooooh boy, I'm in trouble!! I have a little flirt on my hands who likes older women!!!

I'm glad our open house isn't until 2pm this afternoon and only to 4pm!! Evan has been able to go down for his morning nap, but I fear that we will have to make him miss his afternoon nap!! :( That makes me sad, especially since he didn't have a nap yesterday afternoon. HOWEVER, he had a really good sleep lastnight, so that was good! (thank you Danielle for the prayers last night!! They worked!!)

But I hope that we will get to enjoy the AMAZING weather anyhow! Evan LOVES going for walks regardless of how tired he may be, so we might just head down by the river and stroll. And it will be a good workout for me!!

Well, I suppose I should go and get a couple things re-straightened before Evan wakes up! I reeeeeeally hope he has a really good nap!! So far so good!

CROSS YOUR FINGERS THAT WE GET A BITE ON OUR HOUSE FROM TODAY'S OPEN HOUSE!!!!! There has been good feedback, but no offers yet. I know it JUST listed and today is our first open house...but we REALLY need it to sell quickly!!!!!

Busy and Exhausted

Yesterday we spent literally all day racing to get our house organized for today. Today realtors were allowed to come through the house and get an idea of what they were seeing. I packed Evan up and took him to my parents for the night (I followed muuuuch later on!) so that he could get a good sleep and be out of the paint fumes. Brett and I were up until 2am this morning finishing cleaning and getting the place organized. And then I headed over to my parents too...I just can't be away from Evan yet! Not yet. Too many nights apart already...66 to be exact!! But, the house got organized and I got 4 hours of sleep. When I got up I felt sick to my stomach...but had to get right back at it. I had to meet with someone at the new house to go through more blind samples, and then I spent 3 hours cleaning THAT house too...and only got a fraction done. You'd think everything brand new would be "easy" to clean...no way! Covered in saw dust, drywall dust, dirt...ya, not fun. And then I went and did some work at hubby's office. Needless to say...I'm DONE. I'm beyond exhuasted and in need of a shower!!! Evan is sound asleep, so I think I will soon jump in the shower and then in to bed. I still have more fine cleaning to do in our current house as there will be an open house on Saturday and Sunday afternoon. Fun fun. I hope this place sells fast...although there is still lots that needs to be done in the new house to make me feel comfortable enough to be living in there, even with what I know won't be done. Anyhow...on to other things. Yesterday Evan had his appointment with his physio and OT, and also had a check up with one of the doctors through this program. He is doing great with all his milestones. Just have to start back with the hamstring stretches. The doctor was really pleased with his weight and height and all his developments. She was more than happy. I was more than annoyed because Evan sees three different doctors (with this one included) and everyone weighs him differently. My doctors office no longer undresses him, where this place does. So of course there is a weight difference. For some reason it just really annoyed me yesterday, and I found myself totally disengaging. I KNOW they are awesome and doing their jobs and are trained to find things in short visits...but what bugs me is that they watch him for about 10-15 minutes and then judge where things are at...and even though he was right on target with no concerns...for some reason it just really bothered me all the sudden. How can they properly tell about his personality and what he does at home throughout the day in their 10-15 minute assessment of him? I'm speaking more of the pt and ot. PLUS...his appointment was EXACTLY at his nap time and he was EXHAUSTED so of course he isn't going to want to "engage" with one specific toy for a long period of time. Ugh...why did it bug me so much?? Maybe because I just want Evan to get to be a CHILD already!!!!! No judging, no eagle eye watching, no stressing, no assessing. Just let him be a kid! Kay...I know my attitude is because I was just so tired, and when I'm that tired I get very emotional. Plus...I was really missing Zac too. I've been overwhelmed with other peoples good news on the term pregnancy and deliveries of their twins, and have really come to realize that 4 out of 4 of friends of mine have all delivered safely and gotten to take home BOTH their babies. And I'm just feeling like I'm going through the "jealous"/"angry" stage of grief all over again. I am beyond over the moon with Evan...and his life holds SUCH a story and blessings of miracles. Yet...there will always be "the other side" of what I have to sort through by myself. It is easier when I don't have to face shows, movies, magazine ads...whatever the case may be...that doesn't involve twins or multiples in general. I know that sounds just horrid...but it's the bitter reality of a mother who has LOST one of her twins. I will always live with wondering what I did, why I couldn't have protected both my sons, and wondering why we didn't deserve to bring Zac home. I KNOW Zac's life touched many people, and I hope his short life still does...but I wish there could have been more. I wish I could be updating on BOTH my sons. I wish I could be sharing about how tired I am trying to feed both my babies, hold both my babies, pack both my babies up in their carseats, chase after both my sons, listen to both my sons jabber away to each other. Don't get me wrong...I am happy for my friends. So very happy. My loss and my agony has nothing to do with them and I don't mean to project it on to their fortune. It's just that is really makes me face my reality...and my reality hurts more than I can breath some days...well, every day! But I think these people are so lucky, and so fortunate...and I truly am genuinely happy for them. And then another thought came to my mind the other day. Smiling. Yup...smiles is what I was suddenly wondering about. I have come to realize that I have mastered the fine art of smiling. I've always been one to feel it is polite to smile...even if it's just someone you are passing while walking down the street. I always thought how maybe MY smile could brighten someone elses day...and who knows what they are going through or hurting through. And wouldn't it be wonderful if MY smile made them think that maybe today was worth it after all. I was thinking about this because the other day I was out running errands, and I was just busy and overwhelmed and tired and sad...and I just didn't feel like smiling. And then a complete stranger smiled at me with true warmth in their smile and I thought "maybe I can get through today after all". I've learned that a person can flash a smile out of kindness without actually feeling the true joy behind the smile. And often in these past months I have become that person. A person who smiles out of habit and tries to pretend like everything in perfect and that there is no hurt in my heart. I've learned how easy it is to mask your true feelings with a smile. And how it can avert someone from asking "are you okay?" I've also come to realize that the question "are you okay" seems like it is laden with fear that the person who is being asked might actually tell them the truth of how they are doing. I've learned that "how are you doing?" has become a polite question without the desire to truly bare what the receiver of this question might actually have to say. I've learned this because I don't often get asked this question any more. And some times I wonder if it's because people are afraid I will tell them the truth, or if they just actually believe that I'm "okay". And I am okay...don't get me wrong. I'm okay. I'm not perfect, I'm not all "fixed" up, I haven't stopped shedding tears. But it's okay to ask how I'm doing. I might react with a bit of a tear welling up in my eye while I answer, but chances are I will give the "I'm okay" response. To be honest...I don't know how many people really do want to know how I'm doing. And that's okay. I know my life holds a burden more than most can understand. But some times it would be nice to have a friend just ask me "how are you doing today? I truly want to know." OK, I must be tired, because even I think I'm sounding pathetic. I guess I just feel kinda lost right now. On the side where my sweet Evan is concerned...I couldn't be happier! My heart overflows. I find even on days like today where I have to be focused on one or the other of my houses and I am away from Evan for the day...it kills me. It literally feels like a piece of me is missing...and it is. But at least with Evan I know I get to go and scoop him in my arms when I'm done my tasks. I know I will get to feel him snuggle in to me and wrap his arms around me. And I cherish that so very much. We have been having so much fun together the busier he gets. We chase each other around the house...more like me chasing him all over the house! And when the weather WAS beautiful I felt so rejuvinated and we had so much fun going on our walks. I find myself getting excited for the summer and all our adventures. He is truly a miracle. A true blessing in every sense of the word. Both of my boys are blessings and miracles. Forever and ever. Well, I'm getting really tired here, and still want that shower and to get in to bed before 10pm...so I better go. I don't know if I've made any sense at all tonight, or if this was to even make any sense regardless. I guess I just needed to ramble today. There is so much going on in my mind these days and I'm finding it hard to get it out of me. There may be a few days where there aren't posts as faithfully as I would like, but with trying to sell our house and get the new one finished...I'll do my best!

Update

I talked to my awesome doctor. She spoke to Evan's neonatologist doc and he explained that Evan was hemodynamically stable in NICU and did not require the echo. My doc truly believes this is a Still's murmur that is common in soooooooo many children, but because of Evan's history and his special life she would rather be over-cautious than not cautious enough. I thanked her for caring for me and my son as much as she does. And now I am at peace about the echo. Of course, I still get tugged to the darker side of my thoughts, and how could I not with everything...but I will continue to believe that Evan is fine. He has been referred to the pediatric cardiologist, but apparently there is a huuuuuge waiting list, so he probably won't even get in for a few months. So no point in stressing it for that long! On another note, today we met with a realtor...and our house is going on the market on Monday, and they figure we will probably start to get traffic right away. There is reason to believe our house could possibly be sold within a few weeks. Which is the hope...yet WOW...do we have a TON to suddenly REALLY be serious about with getting packed and moved to the new house. There will be many things still unfinished in the new house, but it's all liveable and things that will be completed quickly. So, we have been going like mad all day today, and my body is aching beyond belief. I came to bed as soon as Evan went down, and now I'm going to shut down my computer and try to get some sleep!! My allergies are killing me from doing some sweeping in our new house basement. Ugh! So, lots on our plates. And I have a morning of appointments with Evan on Monday! Yoiks! Anyhow, just wanted to update about Evan's echo...but still please continue to pray for him, for the echo, and his health in general. Thanks everyone!

Prayer request for Evan...because I'm all out of words

Enjoying a wonderful day yesterday in the sun down by the river!! Self portraits are so fun!

Climbing boxes under the table

Evan's first visit to the weir on our walk by the river yesterday. SOOOO beautiful!!

Evan in his new big boy car seat!!!! LOVES seeing the world whipping by!! And I get a kick out of getting to see his face now!

So at Evan's last couple wellness checks at my doctors she has heard his heart murmur, but was surprised that he never had an echocardiogram while in NICU. He had this murmur throughout his 66 days in NICU and apparently it wasn't of concern not to do the echo. It was always termed an inncocent murmur because it would come and go.

My doc wants to follow up and have the echo done just to cover all the bases. I appreciate that, yet the other part of me just is SO TIRED of feeling like nothing will ever be normal.

I know most murmurs are innocent and nothing comes of them. My brothers and I were born with murmurs. I'm the only one that has Mitral Valve Regurgetation...but it's not a daily concern. So I KNOW that it could very well be nothing for Evan...but I don't know if I trust being able to say "I'm sure it's nothing" or "I'm sure everything will be okay"...because whenever I say that...the floor falls out from under me.

I found myself thinking yesterday, when will I get to stop living a Job life and finally be able to enjoy the life I have been given? When will we ever feel "safe" and "sure"? WILL we ever feel safe and sure? And especially knowing that with preemies (especially with how early Zac and Evan were) things often creep up over time. So that is always looming over my head.

Up to today I've lived in a relatively niave world believing that nothing will ever creep up on Evan...but am I just setting myself up for a fall? I don't know anymore. Not that I'll live every day with wondering "what could happen today". It's just hard to be faced with things that you think you are "free" of.

I know my doctor said not to worry and that she is just doing this as procedure...but WHY do it if there really wasn't anything to worry about? Or maybe "worry" is the wrong word. Maybe "concern" or "ruling out". I don't know. I don't know anything any more.

My problem is...I have no idea how to pray anymore. With all the years of our unexplained infertility, with our first loss of our twins, then with all that happened with Zac and Evan...I just really don't know how to pray anymore. I almost feel too afraid to pray some days because I'm scared that I will feel like an idiot in the end if things don't work out as I had "believed" or "claimed". And then this sets me up to sound like I have no faith, which could lead to why things don't get answered the way I prayed, which sets me up to look and feel like a failure in my faith, which makes me angry because I am just so very confused on HOW and WHAT to pray for anymore. I've just gotten to a place where God has it all lined up the way He has planned anyhow, so what's the point of praying for MY desires if it's only going to lead to heartache?

WOW...do I ever sound synical and totally faith-scarred. I don't mean to sound like I DON'T pray...it's just my prayers are so unbelievably shaky and weak because I'm still so broken.

So this is why I'm asking those whose prayer life and faith are a bit more strong than mine right now to just lift Evan up in prayer and bring us some sense of peace once the Echo is done knowing that everything is fine.

But I can't say that I'm sure it will be fine and okay...because I DON'T KNOW THAT!!! NO ONE knows that!!! So please don't say it to me. Just say you'll pray.

On a different, more up-beat note...

Evan and I had such a great afternoon yesterday! I had to run an errand downtown, and Starbucks was right across the street and I hadn't had my daily coffee dose yet, so I got a coffee and then Evan and I packed up again and drove and parked down by the river and went on a nice long walk in the sunny afternoon. Evan saw his first Canadian Geese and the weir and the river. It was so fun, and he had such a good time. He LOOOOOOOVES going for walks...which is definitely beneficial to me!!

But by the time we got home it was already time for him to eat. And so he missed his afternoon nap. Oooops! But at least he was in good spirits. He ate, played for a while and then went to bed early. Ya, that meant one early rising bottle, but then back to sleep until 7 this morning. Which after our last couple nights, this was a treat for me!

Anyhow, I better sign off. Evan is at the tail end of his nap and then will be ready to eat. And then I hope to pack him up and walk over to the bank and Starbucks (of course) to treat myself to a Quad Grande Americano. YUMMMMMM!!!!

Thanks for reading, thanks for caring, and thanks for praying!!

In these moments...

So Evan is now out of his infant bucket car seat and in to a toddler seat forward facing. He is quite proud of himself indeed! Yesterday we made a trip out to Costco to snatch up some new pj's for Evan and see what they might have for some summer clothes (not much at all I sadly say!). We had a fun mommy-son outing. On the way home I had my Selah CD playing and Evan was busy humming loudly along. I love that my son loves music. I like to think that I had/have something to do with that since I played music for my babies since the day they were transferred back to my uterus! Music is a part of us. I looked at Evan in my rearview mirror as he was jabbering and yelling away and I had to laugh because it was quite the sight. But once again...I was blindsided by the pain of who was missing by his side. The empty spot beside him where Zac's carseat should be. The quietness from that seat where additional jabbering and shouting should be coming from. And in a heartbeat...the tears just welled up in my eyes and the pain hit my heart so hard. I looked at Evan and felt overwhelmed with gratitude to finally be seeing OUR CHILD after 10 long years of pain, heart ache and loss. I was overflowing with love at the sight, and my ears rang sweetly with the screaming coming from Evan in his excitement. But the pain also hit. It will always hit. It's going to happen because it is reality. It's going to happen, because a piece of me is gone from this earth and from my arms. I let my tears fall as I watched to road in front of me. But I also thanked God for the moments with Zac. The gratitude to see his eyes look back at me when he would hear my voice. The love of being able to touch his tiny hand or foot, and to kiss his sweet head. I can never get him back...but I have memories...and as painful as days can be, I can also feel gratitude and love. Later in the afternoon I made a quick trip out to the cemetery just to say hello and have a quiet moment. Brett was home with Evan, so I knew all was well on the home front :) When I got to the cemetery there were three other people there...and it was the mom of twins...Preston did not survive but he has a surviving twin brother and other siblings. And Preston's Grandma and Grandpa were there too. As I sat quietly at Zac's site I could hear Preston's Grandpa telling him how much he misses him and loves him, and then hearing them all say how they would be back tomorrow (today) to visit with him. And again...the tears began to flow as I sat alone (don't get me wrong...I don't say "alone" in a downer way...I go often at my own desire and choosing!) by Zac's grave. It just touched my heart that after 4 years of Preston's passing...his family still makes him such a valid and treasured place in their lives still...if only by dressing up his gravesite and visiting and remembering him. My heart overflowed for them. Especially understanding the special bond of losing one twin. I wanted to introduce myself and share about Zac and Evan...but I just couldn't. I just sat. After they left I went to my car and turned on my Selah CD again to hear "God Be With You" and "I Will Carry You" once more. Those two songs have become so soothing to listen to while at the cemetery. And again...the lyrics washed over me and as hard as it is to listen to them with knowing WHY I'm listening to them...they soothed my heart. I was able to leave the cemetery feeling a bit more revived and just that tiiiiiiniest bit more strong. I always feel like I've been a part of Zac for that time at the cemetery. It doesn't have to be only a sad place. Of course naturally it IS sad...but I'm finding it helpful too! This is my healing process. When we lost Jack and Ethan in '07, looking in my rearview mirror killed me. The 100% emptiness that losing them left me. But even though that spot beside Evan remains physically empty...Zac is always there beside him, and always with me. On this Easter weekend, I think of my many hurting friends through each of their specific and personal situations...and I lift you in prayer. "God be with you till we meet again..."

Thoughts during Easter...

My crazy little man trying to attack the camera while shouting at the top of his lungs!

Forever standing!!

I adore this picture!! While I was taking it my heart stopped, and melted. One thing I will always regret is that I never got to see my boys side by side after they were born. They never even got to be beside each other in the same NICU bay. Not even in the same bay. I'm always "haunted" by that regret and sadness of never getting that moment.

But in this picture...I see something that I never got to see. In the reflection of Evan...I see a glimpse of what I never got...a reflection of my boys together.

I love this picture.

It was time to take down the Christmas wreath and decorations at Zac's grave. So it was time to add some Easter cheer. It's strange how doing little things like this allow me a bit of healing each time. It's no longer ONLY sorrow I feel while I'm there...but I feel like I'm able to continue doing something for Zac as well. It has become HEALING, and I can even smile as I tidy up and continue to include our son in the holidays.

I was given a quote today and it just touched my heart. I have to add it to follow this final picture. "He who has not looked on the Great Sorrow will never see the Great Joy." - Gibran

Evan just makes me laugh so much! Thank goodness for that!! He just gets more and more goofy every day. This morning as I was getting him ready for Brett to take him for a visit with Grandma and Grandpa J, I was changing Evan's diaper and he let out the SHRILLEST, most glass breaking scream ever!!! He has NEVER done that before!!!! Ya...my 28 weeker baby boy's lungs don't seem to have been affected by his very early arrival!!! This morning prooved that for sure!! My ears were seriously ringing!! I couldn't stop laughing. Even now it's hard not to laugh about it!

Brett, Evan and I went for supper last night. To Moxies. Brett and I used to be the ones who would smirk as others children screamed and fussed at the table...well guess what...it's true...don't do that because it will happen to you! Evan was just DONE and was yelling and fighting to get free. I had to "shhh" him a few times! Yet, once again, I couldn't stop laughing. I just wanted to shout "I've waited 10 years for this, and have lost three children in the process...I am letting my boy yell if he wants to because it's music to my ears!"

However...to be polite, and to teach Evan manners...I shhhh'ed him.

Yesterday I had a few errands to run so while Evan hung with Grandma Mac I went and got my things done.

I went out to the cemetery as well. It was time to take down Zac's Christmas wreath and decorations. I had prepared an Easter basket to put in the wreaths place. Inside it held an Easter bunny, a matching tiny brown bunny that Evan has too, and butterflies all around.

I had also found a beautiful wire edging decoration that I HAD to include. It holds two butterflies on it. It was perfect.

I noticed though that there was a little bunny puppet at Zac's headstone. It confused me because I have no idea where it came from. But then I looked around and saw three other ones...and I knew. I knew where it came from. It came from Sadie's family. The grandma of Sadie that I met a few weeks ago while visiting Zac's grave through our one year markers and she and I shared stories and tears together.

When I realized that this is where this puppet came from...the tears just started flowing. Tears of pure gratitude and love for this woman. I was beyond touched that a complete stranger would show rememberance and such love for my son and for our family! My heart over flowed.

Yesterday wasn't about going and being sad and wishing for things that can never be. Yesterday was about continuing to include my son in holidays and in our family moments. I don't do these things to stay imprisoned in the past...I do them to be able to move ahead. Not forgetting, but also not pretending. Yesterday I sat and looked at Zac's grave marker and didn't look at it as a symbol of Zac's death...I looked at it as a reminder of his LIFE, and life he now LIVES.

Yes, a grave symbolizes that a life has ended on this earth, but it doesn't have to mean that life has ended forever. And I know that. I know that because of this weekend, and what Easter is about and because of the cross. Death does not mean defeat...death only takes a person away from this broken world to a life of what God always intended. And that is what I have to focus on. Because of the cross, because God bore our sins, because of God's death, because he rose again, because we have been given a choice...I know I will be reunited. Not only with my sons, but with my family and friends who believed what God freely offered us, believed in Him, and carried Him in their hearts. I will be reunited with each of them.

How such a simple act of me saying "yes, come in to my life, and live in my heart", I am given eternity.

Ya...the road here on this earth is so very full of trials, temptations, sin, disappointment, pain, death...but through the darkest of days...there is hope, light, forgiveness, redemption...and LIFE.

While I was visiting Zac's grave, I let the music play in my car and unrolled the window so I could hear the words in the quiet of the cemetery. I was listening to Selah's newest CD called "You Deliver Me". There were a few songs that brought tears streaming down my face. I've always been moved most by music and lyrics. I want to share two of the songs that really moved me.

The first one is called "Beautiful Terrible Cross"

There is a beautiful terrible cross / Where tho you commited no sin / Saviour you suffer the most wicked fate / On the cruelest creation of men / Yet on that beautiful terrible cross / You did what only You could / Turning that dark inspired evil of hell / Into our souls greatest good / We see the love that you showed us / We see the life that you lost / We bow wonder and praise You / at the beautiful terrible cross

There on that beautiful terrible cross / Tho darkness was strong on that hill / You remain Soveriegn Lord still in control / Your perfect plan was fulfilled / We see the love that you showed us / We see the life that you lost / We blow in wonder and praise you / for the beautiful terrible cross

We gain the riches of heaven / Jesus you paid the horrible cost / We stand forgiven and praise You / For the beautiful terrible cross

The other song is called "God Be With You"

God be with you till we meet again; By His counsels guide, uphold you, With His sheep securely fold you; God be with you till we meet again /

Till we meet, till we meet, Till we meet at Jesus' feet; Till we meet, till we meet, God be with you till we meet again. /

God be with you till we meet again; Neath His wings protecting hide you; Daily manna still provide you; God be will you till we meet again. /

God be with you till we meet again; With the oil of joy anoit you; Sacred ministries apoint you; God be with you till we meet again. /

God be with you till we meet again; When life's perils thick confound you; Put His arms unfailing round you; God be with you till we meet again /

God be with you till we meet again; Of His promises remind you; For life's upper garner bind you; God be with you till we meet again. /

God be with you till we meet again; Sicknesses and sorrows taking, Never leaving or forsaking; God be with you till we meet again. /

God be with you till we meet again; Keep love's banner floating o'er you, Strike death's threatening wave before you; God be with you till we meeet again. /

God be with you till we meet again; Ended when for you earth's story, Israel's chariot sweep to glory; God be with you till we meet again. /

Till we meet, till we meet, Till we meet ag Jesus' feet; Till we meet, till we meet, God be with you till we meet again.

These songs just echoed through the quiet of the stillness of the cemetery...but it was beautiful. It wasn't just being in a place where death surrounds you...it was being in a place where you are reminded that with God...life doesn't end here.

Even though the pain of being apart from loved ones on this earth hurts more than one can bare...there is faith in life eternal. And for that reason...I can't turn away from God in my pain of losing my children. I can't live in the questions of "why", and what I will never understand here on earth. I can't live in regrets and can't live in the pain of what I couldn't "fix" or "control".

I CAN live in today and tomorrow. In the faith and knowledge knowing that I will be joined once more with so many I love. With my Jack and Ethan who I never got to know beyond 12 weeks and one ultra sound picture, with my Zac who I have precious 28 weeks with and many ultra sound pictures and feeling him with his brother and getting to be with him for three short precious days. I will be with cousins, grandparents, aunts, uncles, brothers, SISTERS (I will finally get to meet my twin sisters Catherine and Michelle!).

Death hasn't defeated me...because God lives. Death won't destroy me...because my children live.

I live in the moments of joy now with Evan and Brett. I hold Zac forever in my heart, and will continue to make him a part of our days. But I know he lives!!

Blessings to you all hurting through this Easter holiday. As we all hold questions of why, I pray for peace for each of us. As we all miss children and loved ones passed...I pray that we will hold fast to the truth that we will meet again!