Keep fighting...

Some days you just need a reminder to keep fighting.  A reminder of what you have been and ARE fighting for.  A reminder of who is fighting FOR YOU!  

I always referred to Zac and Evan as our "Fighter Boys".  They are forever my Fighter Boys.  I've never known such strength and determination.  Zac for the weeks he fought to hang in there for all of us.  Evan for giving his brother the encouragement to keep fighting.  And both of our boys for giving me the reasons to keep fighting.  

And now every day I look at Evan, I see each of those 5 weeks he fought along side with Zac, and then the 66 days he fought to come home.  I see his strength every single day.

And I feel Zac's hand on my heart giving me the strength to know that he is okay, and that he loves us.

Our boys fought every day for life.  And I will always fight for them!  

My sister-in-law made Evan the t-shirt that he is wearing in the above picture.  I memorium to Zac, and a testiment of who Evan is...a Warrior.

Then yesterday...I found the shirt that I am wearing above with the boxing gloves.  And I HAD to have it!  Boxing gloves have always been the symbol of our sons.  And when I saw it, and put it on...it reminded me that you just have to keep fighting...no matter how dark a day may seem or how weak you may feel.  You need to keep fighting.

Just keep fighting!!

It may seem like no big deal to some...but to ME.......

After we lost our first twins, I couldn't stand seeing the two-seater grocery carts, the kids grocery carts with the double car front...and especially the Costco shopping cart.  It broke me because after losing Whisper, then Jack and Ethan...those seats would always be empty.

Then when we found out we were expecting Zac and Evan...I felt so excited (after a long while of dealing with fear of course) to think that my boys would sit side by side in those carts, or would be tooting the horns on the car front shopping carts...and yes...especially that Costco shopping cart.

Crazy the things that we look forward to.  
Heart breaking the things that never come to be.

HOWEVER...today was a HUGE milestone for ME personally!  Today at the grocery store that has the shopping cart with the ride in front double car with toy steering wheels...Evan saw it, and just HAD to ride in it.  What a strange moment of emotions came over me!  Yet...to him, it's new and it's entertaining when you have to be dragged around for groceries!  So...after I did a major sanitizing of both (disgustingly) dirty steering wheels, he was in and we were off.  

I DID IT!!!!!!!  

I made it through with laughing along with him and swallowing back the misty eyes that wanted to drip with tears.  I didn't allow my heart ache to interfere with his joy and excitement...and I felt so darn proud of myself.

Yes...it stung.  It will always sting not hearing Evan and Zac "driving" together.  But I focused on Evan and watching him explore this new ride and the moment.

And even though Zac may not have been right there in the cart with Evan...he was with us.  Giggling and laughing as he watched his brother.  Cheering me on with his hand on my heart, letting me know he is okay...and it's okay to experience these moments with Evan without feeling guilt or sadness.

I did it...

Stop waiting...Start living

This has been weighing on me heavily for the past few days.  When does a person stop living in the "what ifs" and "hope for's", and starts LIVING for TODAY?

When you have such dreams and hopes...but they just seem to want to stay that way...how do you just come to terms with the fact they may always be just that...hopes and dreams?

And it's GOOD to have hopes and dreams.  It drives a person and gives us goals.  We NEED hope.  We NEED dreams.

But when do they become more of a distraction to the "weighing down" then they do a positive driving force?

Maybe when it becomes all we think about.

For me...it is the desire to "give" Evan a living sibling.  It is our 11 year journey to achieve a "family".  (I quote that, because regardless of a child or not...Brett and I have ALWAYS been a family together!)

I have not shared about our recent "loss", but we did go through another embryo transfer...that did not result in a pregnancy.  And that was a painful loss for me.  Even though I knew the reality.  We have chosen ONLY single embryo transfers as none of us (my fertility doctor, my husband, ME) want to see me go through a third multiple pregnancy.  There are too many risks for me and obviously my body can't handle that.

I know doing a single transfer lessens the success rates for pregnancy...but it ALMOST eliminates the chance of multiples.  Keep in mind...our first pregnancy resulted in an identical twin pregnancy from one embryo splitting.  I was in the 1% risk bracket of that occuring. 

Anyhow...I don't know when we will try again.  We still have 4 embryos and 1 blastocyte remaining "frozen in time".  Obviously we WILL try again...these are our little ones, and of course we will not leave them behind.  But the "when" is another thing.

My big thing right now is wanting to just LIVE for TODAY, and to stop wondering what MIGHT happen tomorrow/in the future.  And it's hard to do. 

I have a good life.  One with some deep scars and wounds...but a good and blessed life.  I want to enjoy each day as they happen.  I love to swallow Evan up in love and joy and laughter and all my focus on him.  And he deserves every second of it.  We are so blessed by the gift of his miraculous life.  But I guess there is always that ache of him not having his twin brother growing up beside him.  And I know no other child will replace Zac...but honestly...I do still pray for a sibling for Evan, and another child to bless our family.

But regardless...we ARE blessed. 

So I guess whatever it is that may have each of us "waiting"...I pray that each of us finds the joy in TODAY and lives for that moment.  Life is so short. 

I like this following bible verse.  It was on a card that was given to Evan at his baby shower and I cut it out and have kept it visible for me to see as a reminder to me, to Evan, to my hubby...to all of you...

"May He be gracious to you, show you His favor, and give you His peace." - Numbers 6:15-16

Blessings to you all!!

Remembering my twin sisters today...

Before my mom had me...she had twin daughters.  Although she never knew she was carrying twins until they were born...at about 6 months gestation.  Around the gestational age of when Zac and Evan were born.

I knew about my twin sisters...but of course after losing our first twins and triplet, and then losing Zac...I "got" it.  I really got it.
A common ground I'm sure my mom never wished I understood.

And I would see how my mom would get a far away look in her eyes when she'd see twin girls...but now I really really get it.  How can you never wonder the "what if".  How would they have looked?  Whose nose and mouth would they have had?  What would their personalities been like?  The list goes on and on.

I understand that look...because now when I am faced with a set of twins in front of me...I freeze.  I literally freeze inside and my look goes straight to the ground.  Not that I don't think that these parents are so truly blessed, and that these kids are true miracles...but because my heart just is not ready.  The ache for all of my heavenly children is too great.  And I have many "what if" and wondering moments in my own day to be faced with seeing twins getting to grow up together.  Oh how lucky and blessed these families are!  How lucky these children are to grow up knowing their other "part".

I get this odd comfort though.  Knowing that my sisters are caring for all my children in heaven.  That they are all together in heaven.  I only got to know Zac for the short time I carried him, and then the short days we were blessed with on earth...but I pray that he remembers hearing my voice and seeing my face...and I pray that he is able to share with his siblings and his aunts about me, and about Evan and about Brett. 

My heart hurts for my mom today...because even after all these years...I now truly get it.  Years do not erase the sadness of missing your child/children.  Time does not take away pain.  It only allows you to breathe a bit better day after day.

I've never forgotten about my sisters.  I'll never stop aching for my own heavenly children.
Yes, both my mom and I have been blessed with living children...but I know our heavenly children hold special places in our hearts.  And I know that they are never forgotten...even when we might feel like their memories are slipping away from others.  They are forever in our hearts.

So today I am sending kisses to heaven for my twin sisters...Catherine and Michelle.

I love you dearly.  I look forward to meeting you.  And for now...keep caring for my little ones!

xoxoxoxo

Been a while...

I'm finding it hard to update my blog these days. 
Partly because Evan and I are having SO MUCH FUN outdoors that I'm rarely around my computer anymore!
Partly because this current season of my life I have decided to be more private and careful with (no...no "news" to report! :))
Partly because I often wonder if this blog holds the same impact it once did.
Partly because by the time I have a chance to sit down to update...Evan either wakes from his nap or I am too beat at the end of the night and just want to hang out with Brett!

Sooooo...I'm taking this moment to say hello and update.

Evan is doing amazing as always.  He has now been exposed to bouncy castles and slides...and climbs the inflatable ladder like he was born to do it!  I only helped him twice, and then he was OFF!!  And the ladder is about 10-11 feet high!  Thank goodness it's all inflated...but still...he has to be aware of what he is doing because falling backwards would not be fun! 
He went to his big cousins 6th birthday and that is where it was held.  The older kids in the group were awesome with Evan, but Evan stuck with his younger cousin (4) and her friend.

He rides his tricycle and peddles like a crazy man!  He has some leg muscle to be envied by his mommy!  And now going around the block is much quicker!!  He has mastered his 2-wheel gliding bike, and rides it constantly rain or shine.  When the rain hits...my truck gets moved out from the garage and he takes over!  He has also newly acquired a plasma car.  It's hilarious!  When I would go get my coffee at the Starbucks at Indigo, Evan knew just where to go!  The kid section in the bookstore to play with the train set and ride this plasma car.  I finally took Brett along one night so he could see it too...and guess what daddy bought for Evan!  :) 
Evan adores drawing and playing playdough.  He LOVES hanging out at the water park.  He has a blast at Kinsmen Park on the train, although I can only stomach ONE ride on the merry-go-round.  His auntie had to take him the second time around yesterday!  I DO NOT STOMACH ROUND RIDES!!  When I was on with Evan I said "mommy's about to toss her cookies!" and instantly he looked at me and said "but I WANT cookies!!"  It was so funny!!

Evan missed a couple naps in the last few days, along with added late nights those same days...so today is catch up.  It's not so bad for me since the sun is hiding and it's overcast...so I'm not obsessed with getting outside and soaking up every naptime ray of sun!  Instead I had a good workout on the treadmill and bike...and now this update.
Evan is NOT ready to drop his final afternoon nap!  And neither am I! :)  He is just still too little for that.

He is growing like a weed, and talking up a storm.  He loves to sing too.  The other day I listened to him around the corner while he was singing...and he sang the whole song of "Jesus Loves Me"...and didn't miss a word!  My heart just melted!!

Last week we basically LIVED at the spray park because the weather was IIIIIINCREDIBLE!!  I loved it! 

What I am not loving these days are the trades guys still around our house working on the houses next to us.  They are forever parking in front of my drive way (and I sit there and honk my horn until someone shows up...and then I tell them never to do it again or I'll have them towed.  SO annoying!!), walking across my driveway from one house to the other (which makes my dogs super angry...so maybe I'll just "accidentally" let my dogs out the front door!!).  Top that all off with the area behind us now being developed...so my house literally shakes as the dump trucks, packers and bulldozers pack and level the earth behind us. 
My allergies and asthma have been AWFUL with all the dust and dirt.
OH WELL, such is life!!  It will get finished and one day I will have some peace!! :)

Personally...I've been struggling for a while with some nasty attacks from the enemy.  I mentioned reading Psalm 91, and how incredible it was and really strengthening.  Well, with that comes attacks from the enemy where he sees weakness.  And he saw a weakness in me and went for it full force.
As I read the testimonies of the book (which makes up half the book) I started to find myself feeling frustrated and disappointed.  Feeling like my faith is not nearly enough for miracles to happen.  Like I'm not worthy of answers like these people were.  Answers of healing, safety, protection...so many amazing stories!
Don't get me wrong...I wasn't "jealous" or anything like that...it just really made me start to wonder "if I had had enough faith, and if I hadn't listened to the doctors and if we had just claimed healing and deliverance...then Zac would be here.  We wouldn't have had to say goodbye if my faith had only been stronger".

It was a really rough few days for me.

Not like every day isn't rough.  It's always there.  But for the most part I have come to realize I HAVE to find some sort of "peace" and self forgiveness.  Even though circumstances were far beyond what we could control...there is always that feeling of guilt.  And will always always be that place of sorrow.

I live each day for Evan.  He is such an incredible little boy!  Watching him is life lessons to me, and relearning things I have forgotten.  It is up to me to set an example of how to deal with disappointment and loss and sadness.  It is up to me to set the example of patience and love and care and kindness.  It is up to me to show him how to be gentle and respectful.
It is up to me to teach him about God...and show him the ways God wants him to grow in.

It's a big responsibility...and in that responsibility comes a lot of self reflection and self teaching...and searching and relying on God for the answers and the direction.


Another big day is tomorrow.  Tomorrow is the birth day of my twin sisters...Catherine and Michelle.
I know I will meet them one day.  I know now they get the honor of caring for ALL of my children in heaven...and for that I love them even more.
I will remember them as I do daily.  I will send kisses to heaven to them tomorrow and sing happy birthday.
Never are they forgotten...and never did I think I'd ever come to know the full pain of loss my mom has experienced these years until I lost my first twins and then Zac.
Send prayers of comfort for my mom and dad tomorrow!

Kisses to my angels in heaven...and to my sisters.

 Drivin' thru the dirt with the tricycle!

 My biking boy wonder!

 Newest mode of transportation...the plasma car!

 A little football in the park!  Yes, we have a sports fanatic!

Fun in the sun at the spray park!

And giggles and kisses with my angel here on earth!!

Good byes are never an easy thing...

The word goodbye is just so final sounding.  Even to those who know eternity is just around the corner, and our once "goodbye" will change to eternity with the ones we have loved, the ones we have lost and the ones we never got to meet on this earth.

The last little while has been a growing time for me.  And a challenge.  Ending with another "goodbye for now".
I won't go in to personal details, but the past few days have really been a test for me. 

My relationship with God had become much stronger.  Through reading a WONDERFUL book (Psalm 91) I faced many areas in my life that I had become to complacent in with my relationship.  And realized that I was blaming God for so many things that I KNEW He wasn't just "doing" to me...and I knew it wasn't about Him causing me heartache just to turn back to Him. 
I turned back (not that I ever left my faith...let me just get that straight right off the bat.  I just got lazy!) to Him because I realize more than ever that it is in these times of sadness and heartbreak and goodbyes that I need Him all the more.  To carry my burdens.  And to realize that He holds the ones I long to see.

Life is full of tests.  Life is full of evil and sin and darkness.  But it is also full of grace, and love and opportunities to trust that God remains true to His word.  All He can do is extend His hand to us.  He will never force Himself on us.  And He does not create sadness "just because". 

I know when life is going good for me it is easy for me to stay in His word and belt out the praise and worship songs and prayers.  Yet, when life throws a curve ball...no matter how logically you knew odds to be in your situation...it's so easy to want to get angry and say "but I was trusting You!  I was being faithful!  I was being strong!" (insert feet pounding on the ground in temper tantrum style!)

Guess what...those are the times where we need to STAY trusting.  To STAY faithful.  To STAY strong.  No tantrum foot-stomping, no fist-in-the-air waving.  To STAY in His word.  To keep belting out those praise and worship songs.

Yes...the ache in my heart remains.  They feel like they keep adding up.  But by remaining focused on God's love and faithfulness and protection and promise to carry me through all things (if I let Him!!)...the ache stays at bay and doesn't turn to bitterness and accusations.

The enemy knows my weakness.  He knows where to beat me up when I fall down.  He knows that I find it very easy to blame myself for things that were never in my control.  He knows that I want to keep my guard up against hope when hope seems to fail.
But I realize this more and more.  I realize his ways.  I realize the horrid, awful thoughts that he whispers to me.  And even though it is easy for me to fall for them and believe them...I am believing more and more that my God loves me more than I know.  And more than I deserve.  And that He hurts when I hurt.  And all He wants to do is to be there for me.  But I have to be the one to let Him. 

I have a hard time admitting to people my true feelings.  For some reason I just plaster on this smile and ensure that everything is okay, and that I'm doing okay.  Most of the time it is true.  But for some reason I guess I just fear that when someone asks me how I'm doing...they really won't be prepared for my answer some times.  And I already know they don't have the answers to my sorrows...so I don't want to make things awkward.  To smile and put on the brave front is easier.  Granted...that creates a big feeling of loneliness a lot of the times.  But, that is my choice, unless I allow a person in to the details of my heart.  But that is scary for me.
And I guess after Zac passed away...I felt the same with God.  I was scared to allow Him the details of my heart, because I didn't know how to talk about it, and I didn't want to hurt when I didn't get an answer.

But I'm learning.  I am.  And through this last disappointment I am really trying really hard to stay focused on God's voice and His truths.

As always...music is the key to my heart.  And although it often is also a huge opening to a floodgate of tears, it is good to have those moments.

A few songs from the CD Here Is Love (Bethel Live) have been really strong encouragers for me.  Hard to hear, scary to claim as my own...but a true challenge to my new-found strength in my relationship with God.
I'd like to share the lyrics...

Healer

You hold my every moment

You calm my raging sea

You walk with me through fire

You heal all my disease

I trust in You

I believe you're my healer

I believe you are all I need

I believe you're my portion

I believe you're more than enough for me

Jesus you're all I need

Nothing is impossible for You

Nothing is impossible

Nothing is impossible for You

You hold my world in Your hands

I Need You More

I need You more, more than yesterday

I need You more, more than words can say

I need You more, than ever before

I need You Lord, I need You Lord

More than the air I breathe, More than the song I sing

More than the next heartbeat, More than anything

And Lord as time goes by, I'll be by Your side

Cause I never want to go back to my old life

Let Heaven Shout

I surrender all to You my God

I will give You all I have

For You took my filthiness and made me clean

I love You Lord Your praises I will sing

Let Heaven shout for I have been redeemed.

I lay down my life, my plans, my rights

For I'm captured by Your love

And though I lose this world I will know You

Nothing compares to knowing You

These songs are a true test for me.  As I listen to them, and sing them...I often don't get through more than the first line of each before turning in to a ball of tears.  It is so hard to allow oneself to be so vulnerable, even to a God who knows my everything.  He created me.  He loves the real me, and accepts me as I am.
But He also requires my love to Him, and if I take myself out from under the umbrella of His protection...how can I expect a relationship to grow and strengthen.
It is a two-way street.

So even though our goodbyes feel like the pain will never disappear...the truth is...our goodbyes are only temporary until we gather in eternity.
For that...I will be glad.

Sending out prayers to those of you who are hurting through whatever life circumstance has come your way...and praying for God's protection and strength.  Do not lose hope.  Do not give up on God. 
And know you have someone praying for you!

Update, and what I have been learning...

 "Riding" the bear at the Calgary Zoo!

Evan LOVED all the bright fish!

Well, we'll start with a quick update.  Things are good.  Evan is wonderful and growing more and more each day.  Talking up a storm and loving riding his bikes (which he calls motorbikes because he LOVES motorbikes!), and still loving every sport imaginable!  We have discovered he has quite the amazing golf swing!! 

He is either going to be one busy kid, or he'll have to choose carefully the sports he wants to do the most!

He is the light of my life, and we are just having such a blast with him the more verbal and independent he is becoming!  He is definitely polite, but opinionated!  Hmmmm, wonder who he takes after! 

We made a trip to Medicine Hat and Calgary last week, which was fun.  And we finally got to take Evan to the Calgary Zoo!!  Brett and I haven't been there in 14 years, so this was just as big of an adventure for us as it was for Evan.  And Evan just LOVED the animals!  And running freely of course!  We went early enough where there weren't too many crowds, but by the end we kept him in very close sight! 

It's fun to get away, but good to be home too.  Even if it's back to the noise and dirt of all the construction around us!  But I'm actually getting "used" to it.  So it doesn't really bother me.

What DOES bother me is as the houses begin to go up farther behind us...I am bound to lose the view of Zac's cemetery tree line...and for some reason that really bothers me.  At least I have that clear view now.  Yes, it's hard to see it with the realization of how wrong it is not to have Zac HERE in our HOME with all of us where he belongs.  And I know, he really isn't THERE in that cemetery or casket.  I know he is home...his true home.  And I know he runs freely, and laughs...and I can just see those gorgeous, precious eyes of his...just as they found my eyes when he would hear my voice...I know he knows he is loved and missed.  But I know he does not want me to be sad all the time.  I know he wants me to live and love and laugh and make him proud. 

Back to our trip.  Evan did AMAZING on both the drive up and back.  I would sit in the back with him from time to time and we'd watch a movie or draw on his AquaDoodle or read or just be silly together.

While we were in Calgary Evan was GLUED to his big cousin Jacob (who is in grade 7).  Evan just followed him around every where and just LOVED Jacob!!  One night when I was putting Evan to bed and he had already fallen asleep he started to jabber in his sleep and then I heard him say Jacob's name!  It was ADORABLE!!

And Jacob was an awesome big cousin to entertain Evan so well!!  Jacob...you are hired!!!  Come for a week and stay with us this summer!! :) hee hee hee.

Now, on to what I've been learning lately.

Things have been busy.  And I had been feeling so unbelievably anxious and stressed.  Not unusual for me to feel that way.

One day, I had enough.

I was SOOOOO tired of feeling that gut wrenching stress and worry.  And so tired of telling myself over and over how much I didn't like feeling that way.

I had shared those feelings with a friend.  She prayed...and I knew it...because I knew God was working in me HUGE!

Through days where I would normally feel off the wall stress with circumstances...I felt unbelievable peace.  I felt such an UNfamiliar calm.  I began to REALLY believe it when I would tell myself that all I can do is live for the day, and that none of the common "dark" scenarios of the future that I would create had a place in my mind or my life any more!  I was done.  I AM done with that.  I am so tired of feeling a heaviness.  I am so tired of worrying...or should I say, CREATING worry about a future that is unknown to me.  What good was it doing me?  What good could it have been doing all these years?

NO good!

Just heaviness, and doubt, and fear, and frustration...

just what the enemy would want, DID want, DOES want.

But he doesn't have me any more!

Ya sure, I'm going to have moments, and I'm going to feel those nerves from time to time...but I'm learning where my strength TRULY comes from.  I'm living out the truth.  I'm not just saying the religious jargon and verbal cliches any more.  I'm LIVING it!  Because I WANT to live it.  I WANT to feel God's presence.  I WANT to feel His strength, and His guidance, and His peace, and His assurance that through whatever circumstance and whatever my future may or may not hold...it's in HIS hands...and He has ME in His hands as well.

Purchasing a few new AWESOME CD's have certainly helped too.  Music has always been a key for my heart and my hinderances.  And these CD's have been SOOOOOOO good for me!  I listen to them EVERY day, and every time I'm in my vehicle.

I've also started reading a book recommended by a wonderful friend.  It's called Psalm 91 by Peggy Joyce Ruth and Angelia Ruth Schum.

How Psalm 91 is a shield for us from God...HOWEVER, many lessons am I learning in devouring this book!

It goes through Psalm 91 verse by verse...and it is AMAZING!  I really recommend it!!

I know the enemy knows my weaknesses.  I know he knows where to go in for the kill to pull me down.  And I'm learning more and more how I need to protect myself from that.  To see those moments and take them captive before he has a chance to disrupt all that has been changing within me.

I know he knows he has a fight on his hands, and I know that can often mean a war...but I'm equiping myself.  I am getting prepared. 

And in the moments of disappointment that may arise...I HAVE to trust that good or sad...God will always carry me through...if I ask Him, and LET Him.

The offer is always there from Him...and it's up to ME to accept.

Life is too hard battling on your own.  It's too frustrating to put on the happy face for others yet screaming out from the inside wishing someone would come by your side. 

So...a new friendship rekindled...which has brought about an amazing prayer warrior in my life.

A new relationship with God rekindled...worth the battle.  And the battle is won with Him on my side.

Every day I live by the words "live for today...for this very day.  See the blessings of today, and trust God with tomorrow." 

My words.  

A song from one of the most recent CD's I purchased is playing right now...and I just have to share the lyrics:

Let Heaven Shout

(CD: Here is Love - Bethel Live)

I surrender all to You my God

I will give You all I have

For You took my filthiness and made me clean

I love you Lord Your praises I will sing

Let heaven shout for I have been redeemed.

I lay down my life, my plans, my rights

For I'm captured by Your love

And though I lose this world I will know You.

Nothing compares to knowing You.