March 6th...one year ago! Part two.

The morning started with a trip to the cemetery to place a balloon and birthday card on our sons resting place. A very emotional moment.

Unfortunately the letters ran on my cake, but the inscription reads "Our boys R shining stars on earth and heaven." I made a chocolate zucchini cake with cream cheese icing. The small balloon candles have an "E" and a "Z" on each.

Evan truly did not care about the cake at all. No interest whatsoever! It was funny! He tried, gagged on it, mashed it around and that was that!

Opening presents! Having more fun with the tissue paper.

Can't believe our little guy is one (well...also 9mths corrected).

What a week! Emotional, confusing, exciting, heart breaking...up and downs galore. Fortunately I was so busy preparing for the day that my mind was as preoccupied as possible. Never a moment without that joy and sadness, but busy.

But how precious to be celebrating this day with loved ones, and looking at this little guy who had no choice but to arrive far too soon! 12 weeks too soon! What strength, determinination, will, love he held! He teaches me those every day!

To remember this little peanut of a baby in his isolette so tiny and so frail, yet the talk of the nurses in NICU with how strong and wiggly he always was...it's hard to forget those days.

As we sang Happy Birthday to Evan I got through the first line and couldn't sing anymore. Not because I didn't feel joy...but because I felt SO MUCH joy. And...a whole lot of sorrow missing the reality that Zac will never be in birthday pictures the way we dreamed.

The events of Saturday really hit me yesterday and I spent the good part of the day wheepy and broken.

I want this year to be a new year filled with some resemblance of renewed hope for the future. Hope for what remains a desire in our hearts. I don't want to live in fear any more.

The sadness of missing Zac will NEVER go away, but the joy of Evan is helping me heal more and more.

I was touched by a special gift included for Zac from a dear friend of mine on Saturday. It meant the world to me to have you do this...to remember with me, and to show me that you remember too :) You are an amazing person...and although I wish our meeting had not been through NICU and the fight for our childrens lives...I am glad we have been brought together all the same! You hold a very special place in my heart!

Evan didn't have much of a nap Saturday so he was running on pure adrenalin! He just didn't slow down! But the excitement of family and his cousins, and his future wife (hee hee hee)...how could he expect to sleep through any of that! I fear he has inherited his mothers issue with not wanting to miss out on anything by having a nap!!

The day was precious. The day was a day of remembering both my boys. The day was one of celebrating Evan and his life, and feeling greatful for the honor of being mommy to both Evan and Zac. It truly is an honor, and one that I feel blessed by!

Can't believe a year has almost passed!

After weeks and weeks in to my pregnancy...I finally let my guard down believing that we would be okay...that was before life rocked our world once again. But oh how precious it was those few blissful weeks of a healthy pregnancy and how special a feeling to be finally allowing myself to purchase things for both Zac and Evan!

I even started to stock up their clothes for when they would be coming home...as you can see we had planned for many months of growth with the range of sizes. What a heart breaking moment to go through the closet once more to remove the items that were duplicates for Zac.

It's hard to imagine that as of now I was in the final stage of my pregnancy...even though I didn't know it. Here I was home on a 5 hour day pass rocking in the glider chair that I had dreamed about owning for almost 10 years! Here were my final days of rocking my boys together inside me.

Now I look at my goofy son! So full of life and love and desire to learn! This was from this morning. He was being so silly and having such fun! Moments that I cherish!

Another picture of my precious son from this morning. Having a good jabber session with mommy!

It is hard to believe that it is March. Hard to believe I didn't know this was my final week of my pregnancy. One week in to my third trimester my boys were delivered. 12 weeks early they entered the world. I was telling Brett last night that the one memory that keeps rushing over me is the moment I realized something was going very wrong. The moment I was taken to L&D for monitoring, and the moment we all realized that Zac was in serious trouble. The memory of hearing the OB phone the OR and saying "open it immediately, we need in there now!" Being rushed down the hall, having the mask placed over my face to knock me out and me yelling that I couldn't breath. I don't know if it was because I was in such a panic or what...but I thought I was suffocating! Then feeling the OB's hand on my stomach and hearing her say over and over "can we go yet" to the anesthesiologist and hearing him reply "not yet!". Then waking up in recovery shivering and in so much pain...and then the realization...were my boys even alive? Did they survive? And then Brett showing me pictures of them and saying "they are alive, they are okay".

Most women would be reflecting back on such a joyful time. On the happiness of the moment. Sharing stories of labor pains and delivery experiences and the moment they heard their childs cry. I have nothing of that. I have memories of terror, fear, and memories that make me feel like I am suffocating under that mask all over again!

That saddens me.

I realize though, that as much as I am afraid that Zac will be forgotten or never spoken of...I don't want Evan overlooked either! Evan is here and well. He is the light of my life. Zac is home in eternity...he will not be offended or hurt by things that Evan COULD be! And I don't want that. I want Evan to feel all the love he deserves.

This will be a busy week as we continue to pack our house and prepare it for listing, as I prepare for Evan's birthday and with appointments scattered over the next two weeks for Evan. I think I am finding myself tired and overwhelmed. But I am also trying to find peace within myself.

I started this devotional called The One Year Book of Hope by Nancy Guthrie, who experienced agonizing pain through the death of two infant children shortly after birth. Her story brought tears flooding, yet the understanding brought "peace". A couple of verses within the first few entries are as follows :

You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book. - Psalm 56:8

He shot his arrows deep into my heart. The thought of my suffering and hoplessness is bitter beyond words. I will never forget this awful time, as I grieve over my loss. Yet I still dare to hope when I remember this: The unfailing love of the Lord never ends! By His mercies we have been kept from complete destruction. - Lamentationsf 3:13, 19-22

Yes, I have these tears and sorrows, but I also have this precious joy alive in my life! And for that I thank God for his graciousness. Just as Evan's name means "God is Gracious". The last part of that Lamentations verse is so true..."by his mercies we have been kept from complete destruction"...and that continues to be my prayer. I want to be strong for Evan and I want to be an example to him, as a person and as his mother. I want to trust in hope once again and the possibility for the future.

As Evan and Zac's first birthdays approach I want to feel the excitement of preparing a party (and I am). I want to feel the innocence of the day. I want to focus our attention on Evan and all that he has overcome this first year. And I want to thank God (even though I still want to scream at Him!) for allowing us moments with Zac, and this year with Evan. I pray for many many more together! March 6th holds memories that, ya, weren't typical or desired...but it holds memories of the day that our sons entered our lives and changed us forever. March 6th is the day I became a real life mommy to two precious boys. And that is what I want to celebrate.

The day may hold tears and breathless moments, but I am focusing on the good! Yet what a day of emotions it will be!

Well, I should go to try and figure out what to make for supper while Evan finishes up his nap.

Thanks for walking through these days of memories with me, and for those who have remained by my side! The journey continues!!

Thinking back some more...and looking forward update

From the baby shower my family did for us and the boys at 27 weeks. They wrote on the number 2 over the "a", and added the S to the "boy". They did the shower at the hospital in the 5th floor cafeteria since I couldn't leave! How precious to have had a shower that involved both our sons! A memory I cherish every day!

Me with the boys at 27 weeks. Hard to believe that I had no idea I would only get one more week together with both of my sons growing inside.

My little man after his first bout of the flu...I let him have fun with his food since it had been missing for just over a week! Boy, did we have fun and giggles!! It was EVERYWHERE!!!

I've almost been avoiding posting. I've been wanting to hold on to the memories of this final week I had last year carrying my boys together. Wanting to freeze it in time. But as I realize...time does not stand still. It does not reverse. It does not "fix" the past no matter how hard I replay how I WISH things would have gone. It breaks my heart to think that this time last year I was 27 weeks pregnant...and had no idea I would only get one more week of carrying my babies. One more week of hearing and feeling Zac beside Evan. One more week of holding on to a dream of a miracle that would spare my sons life...both my sons lives!

On Sunday I went to Michaels to look at some birthday cake pans for Evan's birthday...and I couldn't do it. I couldn't purchase one. I got so choked up that I just left after paying a few other items. I am just so unsure of how to decorate a cake in a way to honor both of my boys...because on March 6th...BOTH my sons lived. Both were alive. It is as much Zac's birthday as it is Evan's...just in different ways. And I don't know how to sort through the feelings I feel. I don't know how to separate them...because I can't. They are hand in hand.

Oh don't get me wrong...I am so happy and excited to be celebrating a year of Evan's precious life!!! What a blessing this little boy is to me and to Brett. What a miracle his life has been. He is what keeps my heart beating. Every day I fall more and more in love with him as I watch him growing and learning and becoming his own person. I'm starting to relax in things that had been holding me back with fear...and we are having so much fun together.

Yet...I can't picture the day without Zac's name on the cake. I don't want to do a separate cake on his "heaven day"...because to me, even though it is a celebration of his life in eternity and our life to come...it still isn't a day I want to "celebrate" with a cake. You know? I want to do something special that day, but it won't be in the form of a cake or party. It doesn't feel like a party to me. It doesn't feel like a day of celebration to me. It is a day of loss...even though I know he is not lost. I KNOW I will see him and touch him and hold him again...yet, here on earth it is a day that hurts because I'm human.

Anyhow, I know I'll figure something out that will be just right.

The other day in one of the donations I received for the NICU there was a special and precious gift inside. The initial E for Evan...and the initial Z for Zac. My heart just about burst with gratitude and I was so touched! You know who you are...and I thank you from the depths of my heart for doing something so precious and special!! Thank you for including Zac! It will hang beside his brothers intial!

So, after my venture to Michaels I went next door to Old Navy. Got Evan a couple items and me a couple of items and after I finished paying and was heading to the door I was faced with a very young new father with...a twin stroller with two infant bucket seats holding two twin babies.

I absolutely froze. My breath was knocked right out of me and I just about crumbled to the floor. I was caught off guard by how much seeing that affected me...but all I could do was stand in one spot, frozen, with my eyes glued to the floor. He was trying to get out the door, and I wouldn't even go to help. I COULDN'T!! I just prayed that he would hurry and leave. And once him and his sweet babies were out the door I bolted and ran to my car and broke down.

I feel sad that this was the emotion that I felt. I feel sad that I couldn't help him out the door as I would have hoped someone would have helped me if that had been me with Zac and Evan. I feel sad that seeing such a precious sight created the most agonizing pain inside of me.

And then I feel angry. Angry for what we have lost. Angry for so much. And then I feel ashamed. I am not angry at the people who are blessed with their gifts. I am not angry at their pregnancies. How could I be. I just get so sad inside because it always brings me back to "why were we not enough for the full miracle to bring both our sons home? What did we do differently that made us not worthy of that same blessing? Why TWICE have we had to go through the loss of twins?"

Then a few days ago I went over to our new house. I walked through the quiet house and tears just came flooding. As I've mentioned before, we can see the cemetery where Zac's body lays from our living room, kitchen and master bedroom windows.

I walked through each room and begged God for mercy that this new house would bring new joy and hope. That each room would be filled with renewed laughter and strength and blessings. That as we continue to live our lives with Zac missing from all these things physically, that he would always be present in a good way. I tried so hard to picture Zac running free and whole and healthy and happy in heaven. I tried to picture the life he now has. I tried to picture the fact that when we see each other again no time will have past and he will not look at me and say "why did you give up...why didn't you try harder?" I keep picturing him saying..."thank you for loving me enough to let me not hurt any longer".

I will never understand how quickly time changed a perfectly healthy pregnancy and my healthy Zac, and turned on us and him. I will always be stunned by that thought.

I am broken by women who go full term with healthy pregnancies and upon delivery experience the death of their child. Broken by women who learn that the child they have dreamed of is experiencing a genetic problem that only results in death.

I am broken by how common these heart wrenching experiences are, yet no one realizes just HOW common because all we hear about is the healthy births of children. Like the passing of an angel is something to keep quiet and not talk about. No...they deserve to be spoken of too!

I often think about our 6 little frozen embryos that await their chance to be back inside me. And I realize that I am not through with facing the pain and sadness of loss. The reality is that not each of these precious little LIVES will not survive. Some may not survive the thaw, some may not continue to grow, some may result in another miscarriage, some may result in another death of a child in my arms...yet I can't help but plead and beg and pray that at least one will result in a living brother or sister for Evan. My RE and I have pretty much agreed that due to my history of multiples it would most likely be best to transfer only one embryo at a time so that we eliminate the possibility of multiples. HOWEVER, my first transfer resulted in one embryo splitting and expecting identical twins. But that is a 1% possibility...I just happened to fall in to that category. The other reason I fear another multiple pregnancy is that I fear how Evan would feel if he had twin sibblings while he is without his other half. Thoughts that are reality for me.

I don't know how I will face these possible losses. I know the reality is that I will have to...but regardless of what stage I may lose one of my 6 frozen CHILDREN (these little embryos are our CHILDREN...they are precious little lives awaiting an opportunity), whether through thawing, stalled development, miscarriage or death...I will ache and I will mourn their loss.

One thought I have that makes me kind of smile is that I always wanted a house full of children on earth, and although I may not get a house full here on THIS earth...heaven awaits with a house FULL of our children from the many embryos that we lost our first IVF, and now our second and with the loss of Ethan, Jack and Zac.

However, I really would love to experience another pregnancy...a healthy, FULL TERM and SAFE delivery of a child! I don't know what I would do with a full term weight baby!!! He/She would seem so HUGE to me compared to how teeeeeny tiny Zac and Evan were!

OK...lets switch gears here. I want to share some updates and fun stuff about Evan too!!! It can't always be about the sadness and confusion that I go through every day. There is so much joy and fun in each day with Evan and I want to celebrate that with everyone too!!!

A couple of days ago Evan was trying to move forward with the crawling. He'd get a few "steps" forward and then belly flop and smile. Well, on Wednesday I was in my basement watching him as he actually crawled forward for a while!!!! It was hilarious!! Then yesterday morning my mom was over and she was downstairs with Evan and came running up to tell me to come down and Evan was REALLY going full steam ahead!!!! It was AWESOME!!!!! The telephone on the floor was encouragment enough to get him going!! And now is in exploration mode! I'm definitely going to be keeping busy now!!

He is also all mended from his first experience of the flu. It was awful!! The poor little guy!! But he is packing on the weight once again!! Brett came down with the flu on Monday morning so I instantly packed Evan up and we stayed at my parents for a couple of days! I felt bad for leaving Brett to fend for himself, but I did come to check on him too! I just really didn't want Evan re-exposed to the flu bug. It's too nasty!

Evan also has more teeth on the horizon! Man, that can't be fun!!!!! But he is still in good spirits.

We had HOPED to be in our new house before Evan's birthday, but that isn't going to happen any more. Our countertops were SUPPOSED to have been in by the end of this month and Brett just learned that they will now not be in until March 9th. Nice! Oh well...to be expected. There are ALWAYS delays and issues and problems with people following through on the timelines they give in this industry. You can't really be surprised. Just gives me a bit more time to get this house packed up and moved. We have YET to list our house!! Good grief!!!!! I guess we are testing the miracle theory here! :)

I'll be sad to leave my neighborhood, but the other day at the new house I started to get a better feeling...a more optimistic feeling. I hope that will continue!

Well, I suppose I should sign off for now. Evan should be waking soon and I like to be prepared for him. And we have a couple things we need to do today. So I need to get MYSELF ready too!

OH...do I know my boy or what...I hear him starting to wake now on the monitor!! So on that note...I hope everyone has a wonderful Friday, and a great weekend!

Blessings!

Thinking of last year, but facing this year

This was me at 25wks 4 days. On one of my 5 hour day passes from the hospital.

Here I am in my hospital room. I have an IV in...so this was in the first week of our 5 week hospital living. So I would have been week 23 here.

Just a fun picture with Brett's phone that adds these extra fun things. Kisses to my boys!!

Fast forward and now Evan is getting loves from Tag!! :)

Boogying along!

I've been reading back to my old posts from last year...to the exact day of what today would be.

Feb 19 last year I wrote about "carefree" stuff and talked about how it marked week 26 of carrying Zac and Evan. 3 weeks in after rupturing with Zac...3 weeks that doctors didn't think would happen. 3 weeks of feeling BOTH my boys alive and well. 3 weeks of hearing Zac's heart beat twice a day along with his brothers. 3 weeks of HORRIBLE hospital food!!! 3 weeks of staring out my hospital room window feeling the saddness of not being able to have a complication-free pregnancy and not being able to walk in to a store with my huge proud belly and not being able to be home preparing for BOTH my boys arrivals. Every plan of preparing meals for my freezer...dashed. Every dream of setting up both cribs...crumbled. Every dream of FINALLY after 10 years being able to have people "ooh" and "aaah" over my belly.

Nope...just people in the hospital.

However, I did get to hear the precious nurses on 4th floor antepartum tell me how much bigger my belly had gotten in those three weeks, and how well we were doing.

Ohhhh, if only.

I try hard every day to focus on the joys in the moments carrying both my boys. Every back pain, every bout of heart burn, every sleepless night, every kick, stretch, hiccup from inside me.

And then moments like this morning hit, as I watch Evan playing...alone...Sitting there banging on toys or jabbering away to the air or scooting across the floor on his bum. But always...alone.

I know I can't keep focusing on that. I know I can't keep allowing that pain to overwhelm me. But come on...I'm only just going through the hardest part of memories and milestones.

I keep trying to remind myself "OK Heather, focus on the fact that exactly this time last year you were STILL pregnant!! You still have 15 days that you were pregnant for. Enjoy those thoughts and memories!!"

But it hurts as I listen to others talk about their 3rd trimester "blues" because I would have given anything to have had more than just one week of my third trimester. I know I can't put that on others...so I silently swallow the tears and try to focus on their joy.

Then there it is again...the sorrow AND joy fight. Yes...I have sorrow in these memories...but I ALSO have joy! Look at Evan!! My 28 week wonder! My 2 pound 9 ounces fighter!

Yes, there will always be sorrow attached to the joy...but Evan has been unbelievable!!!!!

I suppose that is why it has been sooooo hard watching while he has been sick. I only ever saw him with one serious set back in NICU that lasted not even a week, but for the rest of his 66 day stay he did so well. So to watch him soooo not his full normal self a week after he came down with this tummy bug...it's tough.

And ever since he got sick he has become especially attached to me. He is having a tough time sleeping through the night and will wake up with the saddest of cries that I haven't heard before. I catch myself thinking "do you remember? Do you know what was happening this time last year? Do you feel what is approaching? Can you sense that you were NOT MEANT to be ALONE? Can you sense that your brother is missing?"

I often wonder what he will feel and what he will sense. I've heard so many stories of a twin who has lost a sibbling even at a young age sensing that "someone" was missing. And how could they not? For their lives inside they were together, playing, kicking, pushing each other. One was meant to be two.

It's tough reliving each of these days. Even though there were such miracles and blessings in each one of them...I keep seeing the ending. And even though I know that Zac's life did not "end"...it still hurts my heart here on earth.

I wish I could have heard his cries. I wish I could have watched both my sons being born instead of being knocked out due to the urgency of getting the boys. I wish I would have taken a video of Zac while he was still alive, more than just pictures so I could have seen his chest rise and fall...even if it was a ventilator doing most of the work. To see him turn his head as he heard our voices. To watch his precious eyes staring back at me.

I'm angry that this is what these posts are mostly about. Instead of sharing the joys of both my boys together, and even Evan now...my posts are threaded with sadness. Welcome to my world.

Oh the joy and blessing Evan brings to our lives. Last night we were out for dinner and he was sitting in his Bumbo chair just hollering away and having a great time!!! It was so funny to watch, and so good to laugh! I do laugh you know! It IS still a part of my life!

Evan has brought a piece of my heart more to life than ever before. Yet part of my heart died with Zac...even though that part of my heart is still saturated with love for my son in heaven.

Today Evan has to go for his 4th round of shots for RSV prevention. He knows exactly what is going on now. I am SOOOOO glad that it is 2 nurses who give the shots at the same time so he doesn't have to go through a drawn out process!! I just feel bad because he is still feeling a bit out of sorts and still not eating solids so I hope that it doesn't set him back again!

I'm going to ask for him to be weighed. Should be interesting. Just over a week ago he was 19 pounds 8 ounces 2 days before he got sick...so I'm curious to see how it affected him.

I'm on the hunt for more age appropriate toys too! He is soooooooooo inquisitive about everything! He doesn't necessarily care about the toy itself, he wants to figure out how it works! It's amazing to watch!! He takes everything in! He LOVES mechanical things. A couple weeks ago we were over at our new house and our framer was framing in the basement and using some loud power tools and Evan just got a HUGE grin on his face and wanted to watch while he hummed along!! I thought he would have freaked out, but not my boy!!! I'm sure he would have loved to have gotten his hands on the tools!! He does love to hold the vacume cleaner handle!! I think I have a helper on my hands! Wooo hoooo!!

The new house is moving along nicely. We got our carpet in and now it is starting to feel "homey". Still a bit to do, but hopefully we will be in by Brett's projected timeframe. Before Evan's birthday. But we'll see!! I still need a few items, and my new table and chairs won't be in until the end of March so we'll have to use the one we have now...which has funny memories to it! It's this puney table but it has served us fine as we don't often use it!! Sadly it is more of a holding zone for mail, papers, baby stuff, etc. But not my new one!! NO WAY!!!!! It's way too awesome for that! I can hardly wait to get it!

Well, I suppose I should go get some stuff done while Evan naps. I am waiting for some inspection guy to come and do the inspection on our CRV lease release. What a waste of time when we are just buying it out! And I HATE when they give you "they will be there between 9am-1pm". Ummmmm, I have a life that is somewhat hairy right now and could use something more specific! I feel like I can't go to my basement to pack incase I don't hear the door. And I feel like I am losing a day of packing/cleaning/sorting!!! The morning wasted by waiting for this person and then Evan has his appointment this afternoon which will take up a chunk. However, THAT is not a waste of time!!

OK, so instead of procrastinating I better go and utilize what time I have! I just needed to "talk" today. I've been kind of avoiding posting lately as I try to sort through the emotions that I feel. I do that. I journalled EVERY day during our IVF cycle this last time up until Zac passed away and then BANG, I stopped. I was too angry, too scared at how real I would be on paper. Plus, I have this to reflect back on....so I can always just print out my entries instead. But I can go through phases where I just shut down from even myself.

Anyhow, please continue to pray for Evan's health and for restored appetite and strength. As well for better sleep at night. For his peace. I've been so exhausted too because well, when he doesn't sleep...I don't sleep. And it is catching up with me. But he is worth the sleeplessness.

Thanks everyone.

Update on Evan...

Lets start with Wednesday. Evan had his regular NICU follow up. Everything is great. He is in the 75% percentile for height and head circumfrence and is 25% percentile for weight. This is based on his corrected age again. He is still considered 8 months corrected. And he is weighing in at 19 pounds 8 ounces. He is also charting well at his uncorrected age, so I was pleased with that. His dietician said he is able to start being introduced to cooked egg yolk and nut butters (ie, peanut butter, almond) and fish. So that will be fun! I'm a talapia lover, well, I love any fish...so hopefully he will too. He also had a follow up hearing test and did awesome, so there are no concerns there. So we don't have to go back for another check up until June sometime!! He is up on all fours trying to figure out how to move forward, but does well scooting backwards. He is forever putting himself in sitting position. He has had a few face plants with some cute bruises on his forehead to prove it! But he is really doing well! Now...the not so fun part! Friday morning (as in just after midnight) Evan woke up just crying inconsolably. Brett had gone to check on him but he just wasn't settling down. Turns out Evan had thrown up all over his bed, and as Brett had him on the change table he was continuing to throw up. My poor little guy threw up until 2am!! By that time I had already done 4 loads of laundry and had a bath with Evan to try to rid him of the smell of puik! Then from 2am-4am Evan finally fell sound asleep in my arms in an upright position while I sat in our bed. So that is how I stayed until I felt confident he wouldn't throw up if I layed him down again. He stayed in his playpen beside our bed. He did good for the rest of the night. Then got up and was hungry so I gave him a bottle of which he drank 5 ounces...and immediately proceeded to throw it up all over the both of us. By this time I was feeling sick as well...so I had to quickly hand him off to Brett so I could make a mad dash for the bathroom! Half an hour later Evan was able to take another 3 ounces of formula and kept it down...until later that day. My mom came to help out as I was just so wiped out and feeling pretty rough myself. Evan and I both slept for almost 3 hours yesterday afternoon. I woke up to Evan puiking on my mom! So I cleaned myself up and took Evan to my doctors after-hours walk in clinic and saw one of the doctors there. He said that Evan seemed good...no off normal tummy sounds or tension. Figures it is just a bug that needs to be watched and rode out. Just to keep offering Evan formula or water and letting him take what he wanted but not too much at each time. No worries there...4 ounces is the most he'll take right now. But more often. So that's okay. He threw up a couple more times later last night, but then did fine during the night. Got up a couple times but was happy to have his soother in his mouth. He got up around 8 this morning, and we've been doing the smaller bottles. He seemed really good first thing this morning and was like his old self, but as the day has gone on he has been a bit more upset again. But no puiking. PHEW! It is so tough to watch him sick. It has been my worst fear for him to get ill. Any child would make me nervous from illness...but especially Evan with all he has been through. I knew it was inevitable and that at some point he would indeed come down with something, but it was sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo sad to watch him as he would throw up and then just start crying in fear and in discomfort!! I started crying right along with him!! It was awful. Thank goodness there was no fever. But I'm still keeping a close eye on him. Funny how that as careful as we are with him and those around him...he was still bound to get sick. I know we can't place him in a bubble, but Evan and I are hardly out in the public...which is maybe why they few times we have to be it is easier for our immune systems to get hit. I just feel so bad for him!!!! I tried to give him some cereal this afternoon and on his second bite he started to gag...so we threw the rest out. It's tough watching this guy who LOOOOOOVES his food not be able to eat anything!! Evan was supposed to have his 4th round of his RSV shots yesterday morning, but we rescheduled that!! Well, I am going to sign off now. Evan has been sleeping for almost an hour, and I am going to try lay down for what remains of his nap. I'm still feeling really weak myself! Please pray for Evan and for myself for complete healing and that Evan's appetite would be restored soon. Also pray that Brett is spared this bug!! He has such a busy week at work and can't afford to get hit with this! Thanks everyone.

Not sure how...

I'm just not sure how to deal with all the feelings, emotions, memories, pains of these very days one year ago. And it's not like I have just a couple of days of build up...I have 5 weeks. And I'm actually really caught off guard at how deeply it is all affecting me. I knew it would be tough...but it's like in my mind I see exactly what was going on this time last year, and feeling exactly what I was feeling this time last year. And even though I try to keep my mind busy and distracted...that awful feeling of anguish sits heavy on my stomach. This time last year we were fighting against any possible infection that could bring on labor. We were praying for a miracle that the membranes would somehow re-seal and fluid would be restored to Zac. I remember laying in that hospital bed with terror flooding through me for my boys. Wondering why we were being put through such a heart ache once again. Feeling total disbelief and absolutely helpless. I remember my mom was stuck in Texas and couldn't get home, and my precious dad came and sat by my side every day. Poor Brett trying to deal with what was happening, plus carrying on with his business and caring for the dogs and the house. So much fell on him during these weeks. And he did such an amazing job. I remember the nights at the hospital...and days...of women in labor and me feeling so devastated and "jealous" because here I was fighting for the lives of my sons to keep them inside. Knowing I wouldn't experience a typical, joyful delivery. Knowing that I might never hear my sons cry. I'm trying so hard to focus on the miracles we did receive each day. Today this time last year...both my sons still lived within me. Today this time last year my sweet little Zac kept on fighting and growing and I still got to feel him move and listen to his heart beat. My boys still got to play together and be together. Today this time last year I was still a mother pregnant with twin boys. I still hoped. I still prayed. I still believed that something miraculous could happen. But what keeps weighing on me is why. Why do some get the story book happy ending and some don't? Why do some pray for a miracle and get the full deal blessing and others don't? The other question that plagues me is...if God knows the days of our lives before we are even knit together in our mothers wombs...why bother praying? If our prayers are not going to be "answered"? I don't say that in a synical bitter way. I don't say that to discredit God. I know I'm trying to learn that even though He knows...we are still asked to bring him our desires and requests. It doesn't mean it will happen the way WE hope, or be answered in the way WE think it should be. It just means we are putting trust in God to at least ask. I will never ever ever understand this. I will never ever understand the reasons for some peoples blessings and other peoples pain. I think a lot of our thinking is how we are taught as children about "ask and receive". I really think teachings should include reality too...that just because you ask...it doesn't mean you will receive what you wanted. Teach children that God isn't just a geenie in a bottle and if we rub our bibles we'll get our three wishes granted. Looking back I think we are a bit disallusioned in our teaching. WOW, I know I'm sounding totally synical here, and absolutely don't mean to, I just mean that I would have rather been taught how to ALSO deal with sadness and "unanswered" prayers so that as I grew up and these hurts began to happen I would have some tools on how to deal and cope, instead of just thinking God was some big meanie. I know I must sound like I never feel happy or joyful. I know. Right now the pain of grief is what I need to work through because I AM happy and joyful. Right now my son is asleep in his crib. Right now my son looks like an angel. Right now I find myself wanting to just go and stare at him in awe and amazement seeing this gift that I have been entrusted with. Evan is a miracle. Evan is a fighter. Evan is this precious amazing blessing that I feel unworthy of...but very blessed to have here with us. Do you see where the struggle is? Can you understand how a mother can be full of love and joy, yet sorrow and grief all at the same time? It's the strangest...and most difficult thing I've ever been through. They will be tough days. Yet I can remember that these next five weeks meant I had 5 more weeks with both of my boys than doctors ever thought I would. And I want to focus on that. Yet...I know the ending...and I know that pain is yet to hit all over again. I know that we didn't get the total story book ending, although with Evan...we are able to love and grow and believe and trust and hope. Evan in himself is a story book ending. I look forward to each day with him. We are able to laugh at our little clown and watch him in amazement as he figures life out around him. It's so fun to see the wheels turning in his head. He is a blessing. A gift. An answer to prayer. I look forward to our future together. I look forward to growing with him as his mommy. We look forward to growing together as his parents. Well, on a different note... Evan had his usual OT/Physio appointment yesterday and his OT and PT are very happy with his continued development. He is hitting all the right milestones for his corrected age, and moving right along. The last few days he has been getting up on all fours and trying to figure that out, although it eventually ends in a belly flop or face plant. The last few days have also given some reprive with the battle of the bottle. He has been in a bit less discomfort with all these little teeth popping through, so he has been able to start drinking a bit easier. I've still had to remain creative with how he takes his bottle...but it's definitely giving me exercise!! He is so long and heavy but he will only take it if we are walking around and I'm "waltzing" to music and singing to him. I somehow jam the bottle under my chin and away we go. There hasn't been much of a struggle any more...and I'm relived. Because I was starting to get really paranoid for him. So hopefully we are getting back on track, and hopefully he will get a bit of a break from any new teeth so he can just have a bit of a rest. Two months straight was a lot...for both of us! :) Our new house is moving right along. This week the hardwood floors go in. Projected to still start moving in by the end of the month. Ummmmmm, ya, still haven't listed our current house. GEESH...we ARE still hoping miracles exist!! :) hee hee hee. We are pushing our luck. So this week I REEEEEEEALLY get serious with getting stuff done and organized inside here!! But I'm getting to a point too where, if some stuff isn't totally done the way I hoped, oh well. I am looking forward to a fresh start. Looking forward to some new memories. Yet there is a part of me that is scared to move forward because I can't let go of the past. It's hard to leave some memories. However, it will be good for all of us. AND, I will be THRILLED to have a sweeeeeet kitchen to begin cooking and baking in again!!! BUT, one hard part will be that we will have no fence or grass for a while...and ya...with two dogs, my house is going to be a struggle to remain clean and mud free. Thank goodness for a heated garage! They will have to dry off in there. Should have put in a mini shower at our back entrance powder room for the dogs!! Brett did an AMAZING job with the design of the house. He is an extremely talented guy! And he has been putting a lot in to it, so this house has sweet meaning! It's quiet out in that area though!!! I'm going to have a hard time adapting to that, as well as not being able to just pack up and walk down 8th street to my little places with Evan. ALTHOUGH...on a good day I could do it! Would certainly help in the area of losing this last bit of baby weight that really needs to go away now. Anyhow, just needed to get some thoughts out. Please continue to pray for us as we work through these next weeks and face the dates of March. And please continue to pray for Evan for relief from his teething woes! Thanks.

Sigh...so it begins...

This was me...January 22, 2009 at 22 weeks with Zac and Evan. The final belly picture that we got to take at home before things turned upside down.

Well, as of midnight tonight, the one year heart ache markers begin. As of just after midnight tonight our worlds turned upside down. What I would give to have been able to "fix" the events of that very early morning. The morning my water broke with Zac...and there was nothing I could do. The confusion, heart break, fear, agony for my Zac and my Evan began. Hearing from a NICU resident "if you go in to labor we won't intercede and your babies will most likely die". Thank heavens for the few compassionate souls there that night/morning. The ones who gave me some hope. The ones who tried to calm my fears.

The wonderful antepartum nurses who cared for me those 5 weeks, my wonderful OB/G/peri, my wonderful family and those precious friends who came to visit and keep my spirits up.

I knew these "markers" were going to hurt. I just didn't realize how much they were going to affect me. For the past week I've been riden with "guilt", shame, sorrow, pain, sadness, grief. Reliving the events of this night, being in this house, being in my bathroom...it hurts. I have spent every day in tears...tucked away where no one can see me. I know people think that I should just be thankful for Evan...and please...don't start with those comments. Because you have no idea HOW thankful I am for my sweet baby boy. He is my reminder of miracles. He is my hope. No matter how thankful, blessed, greatful, honored I am to be Evan's mommy...I am STILL the mother who had to make the choice to let her other sweet baby son go. I had to say "OK". Do you know what that feels like? To say "ok...I will make the best of the final moments with my first born son". Do you know what it feels like to hold your son while his heart slows, his breaths slow, his body goes limp? Do you know what it's like to see your son look at you one last time as he recognizes your voice? And to wonder "what if?" What if we had just kept hoping? What if we hadn't had that decision to make. And the "why's" come pouring in. Why did this happen? Why did we have to go through this? Why does my son never get the opportunity to grow up with his twin brother?

Instead of just telling me to be greatful for Evan...yes...tell me that...but also acknowledge that the grief of losing Zac will remain. Remember that I had...HAVE two sons. Remember that this mother didn't get the story book ending of bringing BOTH her sons home.

I remember saying way back early in my pregnancy "after losing Ethan and Jack, surely nothing will go wrong with this pregnancy. After everything God has brought us through, surely we will not be tested again. After the pain of loss, and the years of unexplained infertility...surely we will be given our miracle of both our sons."

No, I'm not blaming God. What is the point. I will never understand, yet there will never be answers here on earth. Some people get the whole deal...the full miracle and gift of bringing all their children home...but some of us...well, some just don't.

I don't mean to sound bitter. I don't mean to sound like there is this preconceived notion that I am assuming what people think I should be feeling. And really, no one can. No one can judge me. No one can tell me how to feel. No one can say they fully understand.

Yet...I've never felt more alone and forgotten than I have these past days. Maybe to others the memories aren't as vivid...but to me...I am reminded every day.

I know that as the years carry on the pain will become less intense...but since this is my first year, and the REALLY painful markers are yet to come...please let me vocalize how I feel without judgement.

I had a good cry with my mom today. I finally vocalized why I've been feeling so sick this week. My mom had to watch Evan a couple of days because I was so physically sick from everything I was feeling. And I just had no strength. It made me feel like a shoddy mommy, but I needed to feel what I was feeling so that I no longer held it in.

Anyhow...thank heavens for MY mommy!!! Thank heavens for someone I could be open with how I was feeling, and that I could cry and know that my mom gets it. And thank heavens for my mom who told me that even through this sadness...we look at Evan with such great amazement.

Again...here is where that see-saw of emotion comes in to play. My grief and agony for Zac as of the 30th was also my grief and agony for Evan. My little boy who knew nothing of what was going on inside. He was okay. He was safe. There were no complications on his end. Yet...there could have been. The gratitude I have for my Zac is beyond words. He hung on, he fought for us...he saved his brother. Both my sons are amazing to me. Both fought a strong fight. Both won in different ways. I miss and love my Zac, but I AM greatful and love my Evan. My sadness and grief will remain, and my love and joy will continue to grow.

My heart goes out to you moms who know all to well the agony of walking in your home without your child. Yes...I eventually got to walk in my home with Evan in my arms...yet without Zac. Yet...in this circumstance...I see where others would think "at least you got to bring home one of your sons" and in that circumstance...I do feel for those of you...I do have compassion...I do ache with you. I don't know what I would have done if I had to have had to walk in my home once again empty armed.

In these moments of hard memories, there are memories of hope, prayer, praise, miracles. I had 5 additional weeks of the honor of carrying Zac and Evan together. I had 5 precious weeks of getting to see both my boys growing and moving, I got to listen to Zac's hiccups numerous times during daily NST tests. I got to see, touch, kiss, breath in my Zac those three precous days of his all too soon life. I watched both my boys...and as Zac began to slip away...Evan got stronger. I HAVE to believe that Zac was passing on what was left of his strength.

My greatest sorrow is that I never got to hold both my sons together, of have them side by side before we had to say good bye to Zac. I wish I had pictures of them next to each other. In those moments I wish I would have been more clear and realized how badly the loss of that opportunity would hurt down the road.

BUT, I can't change the past. The what if's will only eat me alive.

The memories will hurt over these next weeks. But I need to focus on the life of Evan...this amazing little guy who melts my heart every day. I've been so wrapped up in fears of the thought of ever losing him...and I think those fears became even worse this past week. I know I can't live in those fears. I know I have to trust that he will be okay.

The enemy has just been beating and beating on me this past while with memories, fears, feelings of failure, feelings of sadness...now feelings of inadequacy...

I ask that in these next weeks you would really lift me in prayer so that the enemy will be defeated, and I will be able to make it through the pain of these markers. I ask that my friends re-appear...even if just in prayer.

And as I walk these days of confused emotions...I pray for those special women who have become dear to my heart through the pain of also being a part of this ever unwanted "club" of loss. I pray for those who ache daily and who miss their precious little angels as well.

I will focus on the good of these days even in the days of tears. I will be thankful for what I HAVE been given, and greatful for the moments I had.

I will watch my son grow...and pray that I will be the strength he needs, the love he deserves, the courage to face each tomorrow. I pray that he will never back down. That he will fight for his dreams. That he will know what a blessing he is. I pray that in my moments of anger towards God that I do not stop teaching my son of His love for him. That we can be human and hurt and be angry...but we can not give up. We have to keep trusting and believing. We have to.

Anyhow, thanks for reading, thanks for encouraging, and thanks for praying.