Family Vacation...we are back

Well, over the past couple of weeks we went on our first long-distance family vacation. And as every new adventure...there is the twisted mix of excitement and sadness. We are vacationing and creating memories together...and without Zac a part of any of the photos or memories. And I found it really...strange. There were sooooooooooooooo many moments of such fun and joy and awe watching Evan exploring and figuring everything out. Yet...this mommy-heart felt the ache as well. Watching Evan venturing out without his brother. Watching how enthralled he is with other children and how much he loves to interact and play with others. And it's hard...because he was not meant to grow up alone. So throughout our vacation and laughs and adventures...I struggled. Silently, but struggled. However, I did not miss a beat to share a hug, a kiss, a snuggle, a giggle, a "one-two-three...SWING" moment with Evan and Brett. This was a special time. A time to wrap ourselves in Evan and each other and to just enjoy being away from the reality of life. And although we were able to "escape"...reality was never more than a heart beat away from me. My sweet Zac was with me in every moment and thought and smile. So in a way...he was very much a part and present on our vacation! And that makes me smile. Our adventure started on July 17th. We began our journey out to Kelowna, B.C. The first night we drove to Canmore and stayed the night there. We really enjoyed our suite! And it was a nice stop! We then headed to Revelstoke, B.C. OK...sorry to anyone from Revelstoke...but...UGH! Except...our hotel room was very nice! I booked us in a brand new resort hotel on a mountain...so brand new that some of the long-time locals didn't even know what we were talking about when asking for directions!! Although...there was no restraunt service so we headed in to town for dinner...where after over an hour we walked out without eating!! Ya...we were NOT impressed...especially with a frustrated and hungry Evan! Thank goodness for the hords of snacks I brought in his bag!! From Revelstoke we made it to our destination. Kelowna, B.C. We stayed at a resort called Playa Del Sol, and rented a condo there. It was nice! We ended up with a 2 bdrm loft condo. And just down the hall from the friends who got us to come out there to join up with them on their vacation!!! It was perfect!!! The hotel had a pool which was really nice! Especially for a preemie mommy like me!! This trip encouraged me to become more brave and more free with what Evan does. We made use of that pool EVERY day we were there!! The first time in he was a bit unsure, but after that...he was right at home! The weather was amazing!!! I soaked up as much sun as possible!! And it only rained once! AND...we never saw ANY mosquitoes!!!!! That in itself was enough to make us want to move there! hee hee hee. While on our vacation Evan's routine and schedule went right out the window!!! He started doing only one nap a day, but sleeping f0r 2, and sometimes 3 hours. And then he wouldn't go down until 9 or 10pm!!!! BUT he would then sleep anywhere from 10-13 hours!!!! So, he still got good sleep! He was SUCH a trooper with all the driving!!! It was a LOT of driving! Thank goodness for Veggie Tales!!!!!! We only had one meltdown on the way there, and it was short lived after we all got out for a stretch and some fun. HOWEVER, on the way back...that was a different story. He still did GREAT, but you could see his patience was running thin! On our way back we cut out the stay in Revelstoke and drove straight to Canmore. That was just over 7 hours in that stretch. We stayed in Canmore for 2 nights in a WONDERFUL 2 bdrm suite. And then puttered around town for those two days. Then we travelled to Calgary for 2 more nights to visit family. Calgary was just over an hour, so that was okay. And we had fun shopping and visiting. Evan ADORES his cousin Jacob!! Brett and I were able to sneak off for a few hours one night to check out a new mall, and when we got back Evan and Jacob were as tight as tight could be! It was ADORABLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We drove home yesterday, and that was another 7'ish hours in the car...and Evan had HAD ENOUGH!! At one point while he was sleeping I took over driving (lets just say my foot is a bit heavier than Brett's, so time can be "made up"), but Evan woke up and MELTED DOWN!!! Eventually I just had to pull over to the side of the road and take Evan out to calm him down. Then I curled up in the back beside his seat and sang him songs until he calmed down. He was SO happy when he saw the house!! He was happy to be home!!! The only things missing were our dogs!! And he knew it! My dogs had stayed with my parents on their own "vacation"! They LOVE "grandma and grandpa"!!!! We picked them up today, and Evan was happy to see them...and they are pretty content back home. Until they realize they once again have no yard!! Ugh!! All in all, the vacation was wonderful. It was wonderful to "escape" life and people. It was wonderful to cut the ties from the computer for a while. It was wonderful to feel like the "old" "us" for a while...even though we knew there was always someone missing. And like I say, I had such a good time, yet struggled through my heart ache and sadness. I know that THIS IS life...and this life truly is precious thanks to Evan...but life hurts as well. I'm glad that I was able to create special moments with Evan and Brett. Glad that we could finally take a step to vacation. To feel the tensions and stresses slowly slip away. To connect together once again. There was one day where Evan was walking between Brett and I and hanging on to each of our hands and we would count to three and swing him...and tears instantly found their way down my cheeks. It was a precious, and painful moment. Precious, because I never thought I'd EVER get to experience the famous "swinging" of our own child...yet painful because Zac was not swinging with us. Then one afternoon while Evan napped, I snuck down to the pool to catch some more sun time, and a mother and her two children set up beside me...and wouldn't you know it...her sons name was Zac. And thank goodness for sunglasses...because yes, tears...those infamous tears, once again travelled down my face. I just kept thinking over and over "PLEASE move!!! Please go sit somewhere else!!" Fortunately, they did! But I kept looking at this Zac and wondering what MY Zac would look like today, and what he would be doing. I was able to include Zac anyhow. While in Kelowna I found a beautiful blue butterfly that I will be able to put out at his gravesite. I was able to purchase something for Zac too! And that was very special for me. On our trip home, and as we were in Calgary a very difficult realization hit me...hard. I realized that the last time we were in Calgary was for our IVF retrieval and transfer. We arrived as two...left as a hopeful, and then realized foursome...and almost 2 years later...returned as three. The last time I was in Calgary, Zac and Evan were being created. They were both transfered back to me. We came home with both our sons, and 6 weeks later confirmed that both my sons were with us. The last time I was in Calgary...I carried both my sons. We had stayed with Brett's sister and her family during the last half of our time out there for our retrieval and transfer. And this is where we were staying on our way home from Kelowna. At first things didn't really hit me until later that evening when I was setting up Evan's playpen in the bedroom we stayed in 2 years ago. And then every memory of every hope and emotion came crashing in on me. And although those memories held sweetness...this return held not just that same sweetness, but also the pain. And it was really hard for me to be there for the first time since both my sons were first replaced within me. It was precious to be there with Evan. Precious to have this sweet little boy, who was a product of such a precious procedure...it was a big moment for me. But I also hurt, and at one point just could not stop sobbing with sorrow. Ah yes...I'm realizing that will never end. It will always be a part of my life. But I'm grateful that I am able to revel in the joy of Evan, and that Evan has and will ALWAYS know of my love for HIM. All in all, our trip was wonderful, and VERY needed!!!!! THEN when I got home, I was blessed beyond BLESSED by a PRECIOUS gift that my mom did for me. She cleaned my house top to bottom...and lifted SUCH a looming cloud that had been following over me knowing the state my house was left in before vacation. I swear I have the most amazing, most selfless, most loving and precious mother in the world! I can not even begin to list all the things she has done for me in the past years...especially this past year. Ahhhh mom....you are beyond words, and there are no thank you's enough to say to you!!! You have once again lifted my spirits in a special way!!!! Well, I just wanted to give the "quick" update version of our vacation, and moments of my mind. There are more, but it is late and I am beyond tired now. So I think for tonight...well, looking at the clock I guess it is this morning...I think this is enough sharing. Now it is time for me to crawl in to bed and sleep!! I will post some pictures of our vacation, but my time away has helped me realize what a slave I was becoming to my computer...and I want to change that. So in the next day or two I will share some fun photos :) But for now it is time to say goodnight! So, goodnight for now! Sleep tight!!

In times of need...

FRIEND: To me, that is actually a loaded word. A word not to be taken lightly. A word that is so full of meaning and value and standard and trust. I know there are varying degrees of friendship...but there is a standard of pride in being called a friend, and calling someone else a friend. Friendship to me is completely bound by trust. I am one that does not take trust lightly. If I feel betrayed...I shut down. And I will do everything humanly possible within me NEVER to lose the trust of another. I have learned this over time, and through experiences. Through friendships gained, and friendships lost. We are all human and make mistakes...and that is where the second word FORGIVENESS comes in to play. Are you big enough TO forgive another when they have damaged a part of your friendship...and are you big enough to ASK for forgiveness when you have faltered. I have a friend who is like none other. Her name is Danielle. We became friends when we were 5. That was 30 years ago! And we are still bound by a unique friendship. She is the type of friend who is there for you when you need her. Whether it be a visit or a phone call or an email...she is there. We have struggled through many of lifes pains and hurts together. We have grown up together...even though we haven't lived in the same city since we were 9! But our friendship never ended...it just grew to something very unique, very rare and very cherished. When Danielle asks you how you are doing, it isn't just a passing question with worry that the responder might just actually tell her how they are feeling! She genuinely wants to know your heart, and wants to either celebrate, or grieve along side you. She wears no false pretenses. She does not inquire lightly and in passing. She wants to get down in the dirt and mire and help you up when you need it. When I lost Jack and Ethan...she was there. When I became pregnant with Evan and Zac...she was the first to send a card. Actually...since I stayed with her for part of my IVF treatment time before Brett could arrive...so the day of the transfer she had a card for me with congratulations on becoming a mommy again...before we even knew. When I ruptured with Zac...she dropped everything and came and stayed over her spring break and stayed at the hospital with me every day. Encouraging, praying, protecting, and participating in the events that were happening. Thinking of this again brings tears to my eyes. Tears of gratitude for such love and faithful loyalty. When Zac passed away, she was here. She came back, helped in whatever way we needed, drove me where I needed to get to as needed (I was not allowed to drive due to my c-section)...but bottom line...she was there. Crying and loving and praying over us. As Evan continued his stay and fight in NICU...I could count on her emails of prayers and encouragement and phone calls when I was around a phone. When Evan came home from the hospital Danielle once more came out to help me in whatever way I needed. Over the past four days, Danielle had been here visiting. We had been having a conversation on the phone one night and I was telling her how overwhelmed I was feeling with the new house and the things that needed to get done, but I just didn't have the time to do it. Guess what...on Sunday, Danielle arrived. On Monday...the biggest task that I needed help with...was done! She and my dad completed a huge job that was looming over our heads. And while I took Tag back to the vet they just did it! I walked in to my house and down to the basement and viola...DONE! The past four days have been very meaningful for me. It has been meaningful to spend time with such a dear friend and have her just pouring out her spirit of giving and helping. Today, now that she is back home...my house seems quiet and a bit lonely. We had a wonderful afternoon yesterday. We went for pedicures and then off for supper. And over supper we spoke of not just the good in our lives, but the aches that we struggle with. We know that this conversation is just fine, because we know we are human and not everything is a bed of roses. And over supper, first I began to weep and then in turn my dear friend. We didn't care who saw, we didn't care what others may have thought. But in that moment, my friend allowed me to share feelings that I haven't been able to share. She allowed me the freedom to let the guard down because I knew I wasn't going to be judged or given answers to things that have no answers. That's the thing I love the most with Danielle. We can be honest, and brutally real and open and not scared that one or the other will say "you just have to keep believing" or whatnot. We know we can just talk and spill our hearts without anyone wanting to fix things that can't be fixed. And it felt so good to be able to sit there and have her ask really heartfelt questions that no one else asks me...and to have her let me weep while at a loss for words to the answers. After dinner, I took Danielle out to the cemetery to see where Zac's resting place is. I have not taken anyone other than family there...and even then it has been with family who were at the burial. But she genuinely wanted to go to the cemetery with me and stand with me while we she let me just have a moment with my son. And you know...that was such a special moment. To have someone by my side and just stand there with me and let me talk...Danielle...you did something rare and unique...and I thank you so very much for allowing me that time with you to share my son with you. Thank you for seeing the beauty in the moment...not something "down" or "depressing". Thank you for letting me put my guard down and take the risk to have you by my side. Thank you for always speaking Zac's name when we talk of when I was pregnant and when I delivered both my living sons. Thank you for remembering him with me. Not just silently...but verbally allowing his name to resonate in my ears from anothers mouth! Like I said...we have a very rare and unique friendship. And I feel so very blessed by this precious, dear, loving girl. You are exactly the person I needed with me these past few days, and the very person I knew would reach a spot inside my soul that needed to be touched. You are a wonderful person, and I am honored to call you FRIEND!!!!

"A friend loves at all times..." Prov 17:17a

The year of more firsts....for Evan

May 11, 2009...Evan gets to come home!

July 9, 2010...mommy and Evan at the water park!! A new "first"!

July 9, 2010...mommy letting Evan be a kid at the water park! Oh the exploring to do!!

Having fun with the cousins!!!

On a train ride at the Forestry Farm with the cousins!! Another "first"! When we brought Evan home from NICU last May I was soooooooooooooooooooooo protective of him. HAD to be! Had no CHOICE! We were to keep him away from groups/gatherings for the first 6 weeks he was home due to a low immune system and RSV season, etc. And really...I didn't mind at all. I had no where to go anyhow. I was terrified all the time. Terrified when people came over ensuring no one was sick and that everyone diligently washed their hands and sanitized, to the point of putting signs up in my house as reminders when people walked through my door. Evan was not a typical baby. Evan needed strict measures of protection. Caution is still taken to this day, although I have loosened up quite a bit. But he will still need to be watched over during RSV season. It's a risk for any child, but especially Evan since he missed those anti-body fighting days within me. Sometimes it gets tiring to constantly remind people and get them to realize that Evan is still an at-risk child. Although he has done marvelously! But once our 6 week time frame ended I STILL kept Evan away from groups/gatherings, etc. After everything...there was NO WAY I was going to get careless and put him in ANY risk situation. If someone had sniffles they were asked to stay away from Evan. I still get nervous if someone is ill around Evan. But most realize that they should still keep their distance. And I appreciate that dearly!! I remember the first time I took Evan for a walk outdoors. It was such a milestone day! I felt brave and felt the slightest bit "normal". I still worried and kept our first walks short...but then I realized how much Evan LOVES going for walks...so day by day we got more and more brave with out distances. And then even started including the dogs in our walks. They did great too because they were unsure of the stroller so they kept their attention on us at all times. This year is another year of firsts for Evan. A couple of weeks ago we went to a little amusement park in our city that has a merry-go-round and a train ride, and we went on both. Now...I'm not one for anything that goes in circles. My stomach instantly churns and I get very dizzy...so half way through the merry-go-round I was almost ready to beg the girl to stop the ride! But I made it through. Evan did great. Then we did the train ride and he loved that. So proud of himself between his cousins! The big thing for me was...I let him touch surfaces that I knew weren't scoured and sanitized!! I let him touch seats before I wiped them down. And this was a HUGE step for me. Although...I did wash his hands immediately after and made sure he didn't put his fingers in his mouth before! Then yesterday I met my brother and the kids at this water park at our riverfront landing. And guess what....I let Evan crawl around and play with the water and touch things that again I knew weren't sanitized or cleaned. Of course, I did wash his hands down after. BUT...I let him be a kid!!! I let him experience something new. I let him feel...normal! And then in the afternoon we went back to the amusement park with a friend and her daughter from out of town and did the train ride again. I even let Evan have Burger King french fries and some hamburger! What a day he had!!!!! Then we are going on holiday at some point this summer and I have purchased a life jacket for Evan so that he can enjoy the pool and the lake...another NORMAL moment, and another FIRST for Evan!! Through all these firsts, I still feel scared. I still wonder "what if he gets sick?" "what if I'm being too brave?" "how would I forgive myself if I am trying to be too normal too soon and something goes wrong?" Yes...I might be getting to start to feel a degree of "normal"...but it will never be 100% that way. Because nothing has been normal. But I guess...it's normal to US. It's "normal" to ME. It may seem like I'm over protective, but unless you've walked this walk...I've earned the right to be cautious. I've had no choice. But I will admit that in doing such normal activities to so many others, but all new ventures for Evan and I...I am enjoying it. It is so much fun to watch him exploring and learning and being so curious and brave!! He has earned the right. And for all my caution...my son is not a timid little boy at all! He is daring, and brave, and inquisitive...and it is amazing to watch him testing boundaries and limits. He is teaching ME to be brave, daring, inquisitive, strong. I need to relearn these things. Because I feel quite the opposite to all the above! Each of these firsts for Evan is so precious. Yet...again, there it is. The stab and pain of watching him doing them alone without his brother. Knowing Zac will never do these things with Evan here on earth. And some might say "oh, just get over it and enjoy all that Evan is doing"...and duh...like I don't appreciate it. I've said it before, and I'll say it again over and over a million times...the joy and pride and love and special moments and memories with Evan belong TO Evan and FOR Evan and for us as a family. But the ache of missing my Zac belongs to ME and my sadness will not just "go away", nor will I EVER just "get over it". My smiles are genuine. My love for Evan is beyond words. Everything related to Evan is in itself the most precious of moments and I will never overshadow that with my sadness. But the reality is this...I will hurt, I will ache, I will grieve, and I will cry. Sure...I do my best not to show those around me. I do my duty to make everyone comfortable. And don't get me wrong...it's not like I sit and cry every minute of every day. But there ARE days where tears find their way down my face...like today. I don't know what triggers it...but the overwhelming gap in my heart becomes very real once again and I just can't do anything but let the tears fall. And I know it doesn't bother God. I know that He cries with me. So I don't know why it would bother others? I don't know why they just can't give me that moment and say "I'm here for you". I miss my son...why is that so hard to accept? I do my part and stay silent so not to "burden" others with my pains. But in that...I feel alone. I do have my key support people, and for those I am greatful. I don't mean to make this post a "downer" or anything like that. I am bubbly with joy to share my excitement of firsts with Evan. I am smiling at the thoughts and memories that are being built. I cherish EVERY second, EVERY breathe that I am granted to be Evan's mom. I feel humbled to have been granted this opportunity and blessing in my life. My world with Evan is precious and beautiful and priceless, and my happiness is genuine, real, true. I cherish moments with friends and family. I miss those that have gone their own ways, but I understand that life evolves and people change, and sometimes it is too much for some to be around someone with such harsh realities of life. And sometimes maybe they feel like I haven't been there for them...and you know what...I get that. It has been hard for me to the kind of friend I've always been driven to be. And for that I am sorry. I am sorry if some have felt left behind or forgotten by me. Please know...that isn't the case. I miss the feeling of friendship. I miss the feeling of having the phone ring and having someone ask me to get together. I miss the conversation of day to day life. I miss the feeling of friendship, but blessed beyond measure to the friends that have muddled through with me. You are treasures :) And treasurED beyond words! I thank you! I miss my relationship with God. I miss feeling that strength in such a special, personal way. Again, it's my own doing. I pushed Him away. I blamed Him. I was so hurt and angry and confused and down right MAD. Still am some days. I haven't touched my bible that often, and I am ashamed to admit that. Through my trials and through my pains I have tried to work so hard at learning what God had to teach me. Not how the bible was going to give me the answers I wanted...but how I was supposed to learn from what life was dealing us, and me. I am working on it. I know He is still a very present, very real part of my life. You don't just give up when life goes wrong. You work harder. You try harder. You get mad, but you don't give up. And I feel like I started to give up. It's easier not to allow yourself to be vulnerable, because then the risk of being hurt lessens. Or so I thought. In reality...life becomes more silent, more lonely. God has always been the one constant friend whom I've always been able to talk to. The one person in life that I know will never fail me, or hurt me, or walk away to let me deal with things on my own. God has been my strength, my refuge, my legs when I can't walk, my breath when I can't breathe. My voice when I have no words. I miss my relationship...so now it's time. It's time to stop being angry. It's time to stop pushing Him away because I let myself believe that He failed me and my son. It's time to stop putting my hurt of others on to Him. The thing with God is...He forgives instantly, and doesn't hold a grudge. He is true. He is real. He is honest and loving and welcoming. He is a friend that will hold me when I break down and won't judge me or tell me things that are meant to help but only drive the daggar in deeper. He is a constant. He listens without judgement. He teaches. He guides. He holds each and every one of my tears that have fallen, and WILL fall. He lets me be ME without questioning my loyalties. So why after all I have described Him as would I have shut Him out? Maybe BECAUSE He does not judge, does not push, does not force. Maybe because He loves me without question. And all the time I believed He was silent...it was me shutting Him out. It was me accusing Him. I was doing to Him what I have felt others have been doing to me. It is time to work my way back to my one true friend. It is time to correct my wrongs with my relationship with God. Part of me is so jealous because He gets to spend every day with my children in heaven. He holds each of them...and I don't. But who better to care for your children if you can't do it yourself? Where better for your children to live in completely wholeness and peace and health and joy? Please know that my silence or lack of updating isn't a sign of my blog coming to an end. My journey is no where near over, and neither is my blogging. So, if there is a pause just know that it is either because life has gotten somewhat overwhelming and I am just beyond exhausted, or that I can't access my blog for whatever reason. My blog is special to me, and so are those of you who follow along. So keep on the journey with me!! Blessings, Heather

So much rain...literally

I can not remember a summer with more rain than we have had this year. If it's not raining, it's cloudy and storms are on their way. I feel like we might get one or two nice days a week and then the rest is garbage! ENOUGH ALREADY!!!!!! This emotional person can not take so much gloomy weather and gray skies. I want to see sun. NEED to see sun!! And the poor farmers...some who have not even been able to seed this year. I think farming would be the MOST stressful job in the world! You put your hope in the weather and risk so much! It's sad to see how many have been devastated by all this wretched rain! Seriously...one feels like they need an arc for sure! Ya, it helps you appreciate the nice days...but there are so few of them, and it's just not right! But what's the point in being mad at Mother Nature...she'll do what she wants anyhow! You can't reason with nature! And I suppose we as a whole have done enough to our world to tick her right off anyhow!! Days like this are hard for me. I like seeing the sunshine for many reasons. But one reason is because when I look out my dining room or bedroom or living room window and see the cemetery Zac is at...I like to see sun shining down on it. It makes me feel a warmth. But when there is all this gloomy weather and skies and rain...it brings out the part of the feelings in my heart that I try to overcome...dark, sad, tears. This weather over the cemetery makes me feel exactly that...gloomy. And it also takes away from my daily walks with Evan and the dogs. One of the highlights of my days! We LOVE our walks, and love jabbering together and me pointing out things for Evan to see. Regardless, we have fun inside or outside...good weather or bad weather. How could I NOT have fun with this little guy!!! He is so active and inquisitive and wants to figure everything out. He has now decided he is big enough to WALK down the stairs by holding on to the wall (only because he can't reach the railing!)...and try to reason with this squirt that he is just not big enough to do that yet!! Oiy yoi!! I'm going to go grey very fast!! I've had such a nice past 4 days. Brett had been home and we just hung out together and you could see how much Evan just loved being with both of us together! He just seemed so at peace and so happy! Not like he isn't always happy...but there was a special peace about him. Even I felt that special peace with having Brett around for 4 straight days! It was GREAT. We went to the Farmers Market on Saturday and took Brett's mom with us...and it was such a nice day (one of those rare sunny days!!) and I just had SO much fun purchasing yummy fresh, wholesome locally grown veggies. Man...there is NOTHING like the taste of veggies/fruit straight from the garden! Too bad I'm so not a green thumb!! I'd kill a garden in a matter of days I'm sure! Last week Brett, my brothers and my dad went on a fishing trip for 4 days. So my sister-in-law, niece and nephew came to stay a couple of nights with me. Evan was in his glory with his cousins around to play with. He had SOOOO much fun. And I truly warmed seeing the sight. Yet, I ached so bad all at the same time. Evan was not meant to be alone. Not meant to be an only child. Not meant to be without his twin brother. Evan and Zac were together for 28 weeks and 1 day before being torn apart...forever on this earth. And whenever I see how much fun Evan has with other kids...my heart breaks. Oh to be able to have watched my sons grow together, play together...and even while they would fight with each other it would have been the most precious music to my ears. Don't get me wrong...my days are filled with awe, wonder, joy and love for Evan. And I am more than aware of how lucky I am to have him here with me today. Again...the struggle of such joy and sorrow. Well, I don't really feel up to go into too much today, so I'm just going to leave it at this for now and while Evan naps, I should go get some laundry done and wash my dirty floor! Ah, the joys of the rain, and dirt all around the outside of my house!

13 years ago today...

I married the most wonderful man ever. We went to elementary school together, we went to high school together, we attended the same church...he dated who is now my sister-in-law :) hee hee hee...yes, it's a funny story!!! And NO it's not wierd! Just the way God worked things out! My brother and sis-in-law were married a few years before we were. ANYHOW, in high school...I really didn't like Brett at all. He was, what I thought of, as a typical football quarterback jock. He had a "different" sense of humor that didn't appeal to me. However, I really was never interested in him during any of our school years anyhow so other than knowing him as the quarterback at highschool, our communication was next to nothing. UNTIL he upgraded an algebra class and sat directly behind me! How funny!!!!! It wasn't until we were both working with the youth group at our church and began to interact more that I began to realize he wasn't really how I had pegged him at all. He was quite funny, and charming, and fun to be around. So an innocent friendship began, and then blossomed. I remember EXACTLY the day I realized that "oh my gosh...I like this guy and I'm excited to see him!" It was a Friday night youth night...and I had butterflies all the way to the church knowing we were going to hang out through the evening events. And from there...well, neither of us recall a structured "dating" scenario. We just hung out all the time. And more and more I realized what an amazing person he was! I had been through a string of painful relationships...one very emotionally abusive relationship, and at this point in my life I wasn't sure if I was ready to allow another person in. I DO remember saying to God the year before "the next guy I let myself date BETTER be the one you have chosen for me...or I'm becoming a nun!" And it's funny because Brett had said that he too was tired of the dating game and hoped that his next relationship would be one with substance. (I learned that info AFTER we got married!) Our wedding day was amazing...and HOT HOT HOT!!!!!!!!!!! And I had booked too much time between photos and the reception, so I went home and got OUT of my wedding dress, got in to a tank top and shorts and went to the reception room to help set up. I remember the attendants at the room asking who got married and I said "ME!", and they laughed that I actually got out of my dress and was there setting up. They asked me to stop by the front desk on my way back from getting back IN to my wedding dress so that they could see me. We had the usual ideas, dreams, goals, hopes that I'm sure many people have. And children were always front and center. I remember when we finally decided "ok, lets start trying". I remember my excitment and squeeling with joy. Wow...I remember that like it was yesterday! We have seen the best, we have seen the worst. We went through 8 years of unexplained infertility and various treatments with heart break at every end. We went through 2 fresh IVF rounds, and have said good bye to our first identical twins, and now one of our twin sons just last year. We have had ups, we have had major downs. We have laughed, we have cried deeper than any couple should be expected to. We have had fun times and we have had agonizing moments. We have been through so much together. And so many are often surprised at how strong we have remained, especially through the death of Zac. And even though we knew that statistically speaking there is a higher chance of a marriage not surviving after such an experience, we often wondered HOW such an intimate experience could pull two people apart. Only once have a caught a glimpse of how it may be possible. But we fight on. We love on. We stay solidly together because of our love. And YES, it takes MAJOR work at times. What marriage doesn't! Your lying if you say it doesn't! (in my opinion). We have good days, we have bad days...but we have each other. And I couldn't be more greatful for a more wonderful, loving, supportive, caring husband. He has seen me in the darkest of days, and he has always been there to offer his hand to pick me up, and his arms to hold me, and his shirts to drench in tears. He has seen me in the best of days, and we laugh and we joke and we poke fun at each other. I am SO glad that all my other relationships ended, because I know not one of those guys could have ever been who I needed in my life. I know not one of them could have been the rock that my sweet Brett is to me. If you know Brett...you have the honor of calling him friend. He will be there whenever you need a hand. He will listen if you ever need to talk. He will laugh with you, and he will never hide the truth from you. And of course...if you like to golf...he would be more than happy to assist you in that outing! hee hee hee. If you know Brett...you are lucky. He is one of a kind. If you don't know Brett...you are missing out. For those of you who have stuck by Brett in our darkest of days, and have had the guts to cry along side him...you are a treasure, and I know he would say how thankful he is for you. When you know Brett...you know that you will be respected and you will have gained a wonderful friend. I know I sure have. I know I have been blessed beyond measure to call Brett not only my husband, but my dearest, closest, truest of friends. My husband is a wonderful man...and I am so blessed to be called his wife. Thank you for 13 of the most up and down years TOGETHER! And thank you for never faulting me for being myself. Thank you for loving me not only in my best moments, but also my most painful. Thank you for saying..."I do"!!! I love you!!!

Happy 2nd birthday my lil' peanuts...

November 7, 2007...our first, and last picture of our identical peanuts whom we lovingly named Jack and Ethan. I had found this card for miscarriage, and bought it for myself a while after we lost our babies. Why doesn't any one make cards like this any more? There are cards for the loss of a pet...but not the loss of a baby through miscarriage. Sad.

Well, it is 3:38am and here I am at my computer. Evan just had a rough moment and I haven't been able to get back to sleep, so after watching a pretty crazy rain cloud off in the horizon for the past half hour, I decided to come and do a follow up to yesterdays post about my sweet Jack and Ethan...and to wish them publicly a Happy 2nd Birthday!

I pray that they are having the best birthday part ever with their little brother Zac and other siblings that we never got to know on this earth.

And I wanted to share the only picture I ever got of my sweet babies.

Oh how I remember that ultrasound day sooooo very clearly! First, my bladder was sooooooooooooo full that I was in tears...and then was told I don't actually HAVE to drink what the instructions say. Sorry, but no one told me that, and I follow instructions very carefully.

But as the tech did the ultrasound she kept going over and over things. They started with an external ultrasound and then did an internal to "verify what they were seeing".

Identical twins!

The tech said she hardly ever saw this, so wanted to be sure it wasn't one baby just mirroring off a reflection.

Nope...two little ones, two precious heart beats beating away.

And this was to be the only picture I was to ever have of my sweet babes.

And I cherish it. It is actually in a frame...and only after Zac passed away did I place it next to Zac and Evan's pictures out in the open. I don't know why I had it tucked away for so long. Maybe so it didn't make any one uncomfortable? Maybe because I just didn't know the proper "miscarriage etiquette"? Maybe because I didn't want to face reality? I don't know.

But now their picture is proudly presented, and it does my heart good :)

Anyhow,

HAPPY 2ND BIRTHDAY TO MY SWEET LITTLE PEANUTS!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mommy loved you before I knew you...and will love you ever more until we meet again!

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

Tomorrow...another harsh "anniversary"...

Tomorrow would have been my first identical twins 2nd birthday. Tomorrow I would have had 2 year olds. Tomorrow...I don't. And losing my Jack and Ethan was the most devastating moment of my life over 2 years ago. For years and years of trying, and then finding out we were expecting identical twins via IVF (we had lost a triplet in there somewhere along the way as well :( ), I niavely believed and trusted that these precious little ones would enter our arms alive and well. We often laughed at how we would tell them apart in the early days and thought of different ideas. We niavely allowed the news to spread. We niavely believed there would be no retracting our announcement. And then...there it was. The worst moment (at that point) of my life. Brett and I had gone for my 12 week ultra sound...and as the doctor pressed the wand to my belly...I turned my head away. For some reason I had felt doomed that morning before our appointment. For some reason...something was eating at me...and it wasn't my babies taking nutrients from my body to their own. And then the most horrifying thing to hear (once again at that point in my life)..."I am so sorry...I don't know how to tell you this...your babies are no longer alive." Then looking at Brett's face, and feeling the room going dark as my head spun with the news I was just informed. WHAT?? My babies had died?? When?? How?? WHY??!! And why didn't I know!? Why couldn't I feel that my babies had stopped living? What kind of mother was I?! I remember the doctor giving us a private moment and then out of sheer luck my OB had come in to the office on her day off so we were taken to her room, where she appologized and hugged me and went over my options. OPTIONS?? What do you mean?? What was happening?? I could take a medication to bring on the miscarriage to completion, or we could schedule a D&C. My OB recommended the D&C because a "natural" miscarriage could take weeks and would be very frightening...and other medical issues could have arisen. We were given time to think about it, and she said she would call me later that day. We were led out a back hall so we wouldn't have to face the room of pregnant, joyful, hopeful, blissful mothers-to-be, with their babies still alive inside of them...while I...was a walking tomb. I remember calling my mom on the way home and only being able to say "they are gone". I remember my parents coming and sitting with us as we tried to process our new reality. The death of our first children. The death of our hopes and dreams for these precious little lives. The death of...niave, blissful, hopeful, joyful pregnancy. I went in to a depression. I couldn't stop crying for months and months. Ya, I got to a place where I could foster a laugh and a smile...and so began the mastering of the disguise of what was truly going on inside of me. I was a mother who failed her children. I was a mother who couldn't protect her babies. I was a mother who believed with everything in her that her prayers and cries were finally to be answered. I was a mother who lost a part of herself. I remember the day we went for the D&C. I remember I couldn't stop crying, and the precious nurses who just held me, and removed the polish from my toes to prep me for the "procedure". The final removal of any piece left of my first children. I remember a nurse saying "it's okay dear, you can try again! You will have another baby". And I remember wanting to take my IV tube and wrapping it around her neck and screaming "DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG THIS TOOK THIS TIME???? DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG WE HAVE DREAMED OF THESE BABIES? DO YOU NOT REALIZE THEY WILL NEVER BE REPLACEABLE? DO YOU NOT KNOW I MAY NEVER GET THIS AGAIN???" I wish people would read a persons file. I wish that nurse would have known in advance my lovely label of "unexplained infertility" and that this was my one chance from our first IVF round. I wish this nurse had just said "I am so sorry for your loss" and left it at that. I remember after the "procedure". And the angel of a nurse who walked me in to the bathroom and lovingly cleaned all the iodine off from me, and then as she stood...looked at me with tears in her eyes and asked if she could give me a hug, and then telling me "I truly understand, and I am so very sorry." We found out of our loss on December 6, 2007. At Christmas time, where we are to be thankful, and joyful and greatful for the gift of Christ. And I was, and I am. But in the same breathe...I wanted to go to heaven and scream at God. And ask Him WHY he would dangle such beauty in front of me only to rip it out of my life. I was angry. I still get angry. Even more so now that Zac is up with his siblings instead of all four of my children clammering around my legs, screaming at each other and laughing and giggling. I never knew what became of the remains of my babies. I remember walking from the hospital thinking...why didn't I request their remains? Did they get tossed in the garbage? Were the burned in an incinorator? Where did they go?? And then I learned something I never knew. Last week my dad spoke at a memorial service that is held yearly at one of the gravesite here in our city. There is a funeral home in our city who realized the need for a resting place for our "unknown children". I don't know all the details, but this funeral home realized that there are parents out there who will never have a grave site to visit their precious little one(s). Apparently they go to the hospitals and gather the remaining tissue of the little one(s), cremate the remains and take it to this memorial site where they are given the dignity of a resting place. They still may remain nameless...but they now have a place where their families can visit them, and know that SOMEONE out there loved them that much...even though they never knew them. I don't know if my Jack and Ethan are there. I don't know if their remains were given that precious dignity. I do know that I have always felt like I dishonored them by just leaving them there at that cold hospital. And every day I would drive to work, I would see that hospital, and every day the tears would fall thinking that this was the only resting place they had. I had precious 12 weeks to believe the dreams we held for our babies. And for 12 weeks...I was so blissful and hopeful. For 12 weeks...I was a mommy. And then in a blink of an eye...it was all gone. Yes...I was...AM still their mommy...but no one knows. No one knows tomorrow they would have been two. No one says their names...but really...what would they say? No one knew them...except me. Even for Brett it was a different experience because only I had the physical connection to my babies. It was just different...and that's okay. I have been a bit surprised at how hard the past few days have been as I felt tomorrow approaching. It has been over 2 years since we said goodbye...but it hurts just as much today. Even more so now that we had to say good bye to Zac as well. Harsh feelings come over me about myself. I feel like a failure as a mother. I feel like I couldn't protect my children. Evan is a miracle! Evan beat so many odds! Evan is who gives me the knowledge that some miracles can still happen. I am so greatful for my son....for all of my children. I am so greatful that Evan has kept parts of my heart alive. But right now...I miss my babies so much. And it hurts all over again. Maybe more because I hurt alone. Maybe because tomorrow I know I don't have a gravesite to visit. And still don't even really know if they were ones that made it to this precious memorial site at the other cemetery. What I DO know is that my children ARE very much alive and well in heaven. And that I WILL be with them all again one day. And for that knowledge...I will smile tomorrow through my tears. I will hold them close to my heart. I will love them always!! Mommy loves you so very much my sweet angels!! xoxoxoxoxo