Those darn achy milestones...

Yesterday marked 2 years ago that I ruptured with Zac. 

Saturday night I felt restless and sad.  It's not like this day holds MORE pain than others...just a "special" pain "saved" just for these days.  When I finally got to sleep, my dreams became nightmares.  I kept dreaming that I was reaching for Zac, that he was "lost"...just very sad visions.

I woke up feeling crushed, and physically ill.

And then in true tug-of-emotional-war...

Evan woke, and my heart overflowed with love and gratitude for the little boy in my arms.  For the fight BOTH my sons gave.  For the memories of them together inside of me, and for the few precious days outside of me.

I know some dreams will never come true...but some will never be forgotten and cherished.

Too quickly...

Evan's big boy bed!!  Crazy!!! 

Wondering who will get more in their mouths...Evan or the dogs!  Cheerio extravagganza!

Evan's new chair/couch!!  Doesn't he look so proud!!

Bailey over-taking Evan's new couch!!  Between her and Tag...Evan has to fight for his spot!!

 Pizza night on the couch...a rare treat to eat free on the couch!!

Evan so proud of his new-found "drilling" abilities!  hee hee hee

It's going too fast.  Time is going much too fast.

Evan is growing up much to quickly!

I can't stop time.

Some days I wish I could just pause it a little longer!

A couple of nights ago the three of us were eating dinner at the table and I just suddenly found tears rolling down my face.  My husband asking what was wrong.  And all I could do was look at Evan and say "he is just so amazing, and so fun to watch as he grows.  It's happening too fast!"

On one hand you are just so thrilled at how advanced he seems to be, especially for being so premature.  Prematurity has not hindered my little man at all. 

It will never be an excuse for him.

For that we are blessed.

On the other hand I just wish time could slow down just a little bit, because I want to savour every moment, experience, memory, feeling, smile, tear, wonder...

I watch Evan and wonder who he will become.  I see Evan, and see how inquisitive he is, and how easily he seems to catch on to things...and how very very determined he is.

I wonder what or how much of an influence I will be in the future of who he becomes.

I pray that I will be a positive influence.  A strong influence.  An encouraging influence.

There are days where I catch myself thinking "oh man, I have to get "so and so" in check...I don't want Evan learning this, or remembering this of me". 

There are strengths in me that I hope Evan develops.  There are weaknesses in me that I hope Evan never knows. 

But in the end, I pray that the person GOD has willed Evan to be will be the person he becomes.

He is such an amazing little boy...and I pray I can do the best that he deserves.


In another way time gives you reason to see how fast it goes.
On Jan 30th...this will mark 2 years since I woke that dreadful morning to stand in a pool of amniotic fluid.
And the memories just continue to be so overwhelming.
Memories follow you...but not being in our old house any more, and not facing that bathroom on that date...that helps.  It doesn't heal, but it helps.
I still feel like I'm in a world of shock, denial, confusion, hurt, anger and on and on.
How can I not.
I miss Zac.  I always will.

The dreams we had of our sons growing up together will never be reality.

I have no idea what my future holds, but I have to believe that I know WHO holds my future.  And I have to believe that God will sustain us through whatever path or valley may be ahead of us.

I often think of our 6 little "totsicles" waiting.  Frozen in time...literally.
I miss them desperately, but am terrified of moving forward.
If you are a person of prayer...please pray for me, and for our little ones "in waiting".


Well, lets get back to Evan for a moment.
Like I say, he is doing amazing.
I watch him and think what he does is typical, and then realize...he isn't even 2, and he is walking up and down stairs like a pro.  He loves to color and draw and it is amazing to listen to him as he flips through books and tells me "stories".  What REALLY blew me away the other day is we were doing one of his Melissa & Doug puzzles of the alphabet and he was PUTTING THE LETTERS IN THE RIGHT PLACES AND TELLING ME WHAT THEY WERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Not ALL of them, but a lot of them.  My jaw just dropped!
I think he gets these things from mommy! :)
He is also a HUGE helper!  He LOVES to help unload the dishwasher and is in charge of passing me the cutlery.  After each piece he says "thank you!"
And the latest is that he loves to help me unload the dryer and then reload it with the wet clothes.  He also loves loading the washing machine.  AND gets a kick out of helping me "fold" clothes! 
I hope that habit sticks when he's older!!!  hee hee hee.

I found myself looking through pictures the other night from when I was pregnant, and then when the boys were born and then the months since Evan came home.  I cried through them all.  Happy memories, moments that I wish could have been longer (like being pregnant the full duration and watching how massive I would have gotten!!!), memories of disbelief that we were finally parents of living children.  Wonder of Evan growing and seeing how he has changed! 
Ya...talk about realizing how fast time goes!!

Anyhow, just thought I'd share some updates and some thoughts and some struggles.  I still struggle with the "why's" and with dealing with broken dreams even though our reality holds much joy.  Still struggling with that tug of war of joy and sorrow.  Still trying to figure out how to breathe some days.  And still struggling to find my way fully back to the God who I know loves me more than life.  I'm trying though.

One day at a time!  One foot in front of the other.
What more can a person do!

Catching Up...

 Merry Christmas from the Johnson's

Ooopsie, skate fell off!  But boy oh boy does he LOVE skating!!!!!!

I am finding things trickier with updating my blog lately.  Our basement has been under major finishing so Evan and I have been "living" at my parents off and on.  So I figure I better sit down and write a bit for those of you still lovingly following along my blog and my thoughts.

Christmas was nice.  I always find it bitter-sweet.  Aching for the children missing from the excitement of it all, yet feeling so blessed and fortunate to be finally watching OUR son opening gifts and racing around with his cousins.  I find myself very emotional during the holidays...but Christmas especially.

Christmas day was spent at Brett's parents.  It was fun, yet boy did I feel old!  When I first entered Brett's family all the kids were just little...that was about 14 years ago the first Christmas I shared with them before Brett and I got married.  I remember finding it overwhelming because there were so many family members.  But I remember it being so joyful for everyone.

That first Christmas was very difficult for me.  My grandpa had had a stroke that year and our family spent Christmas at the hospital.  He passed away shortly after. 

This year I missed my grandpa as much as I did those first years.  But this year I longed to hear him and see him and listen to that infectious laugh of his!

All I can hope is that he is playing "Pop goes the weesle" on his violin for my children...his great-grandchildren.  And that they are giggling away as he allows them to bush out his comb-over like we did.  Those memories make me smile.  I am glad for those memories.

I also made a visit to the cemetery to "visit" with Zac.  It was a cccccold visit so I wasn't able to stay too long, but enough to carve out another path to his plot in the snow and clean up his plaque.

It's not the way Christmas should be.  That's not the visit I should be making.

But this time I have a place to go.  This time his name is there for those around to see.  Where our first babes have nothing.  This was our Jack, Ethan and Whisper's 3rd heavenly birthday...Dec. 6/07.  It's hard to believe how the time goes.

After my visit I was able to clean myself up and found a joy filling my heart when I went back and watched my son tag along with all his big cousins.  He was right in there like noone's business!  Sooo funny!!!  Just one of the gang.

Brett smiled and said "this is how Christmas should be". 

We both know it holds a sting and an ache...but we both feel the joy and honor of now being able to "fit in" with our amazing Evan.  How could it not bring a warmth to our hearts.  How could we not find ourselves smiling like little school kids at recess. 

We are living a dream.  We are living a blessing.  And we know that this is how Zac would want it to be.  We know he wants us to give our all to his little brother (well, by exactly one minute younger :))

And we don't even have to think twice.  Our love for Evan is fully Evan's.  No hold backs.  No pains attached to our love for him.  The only pain is loving his so much that I wonder if my heart will rip apart from overflowing.

We are blessed with all our children.  Each with their own special memory and each with their own respective places in our hearts.

The following day we had Christmas two at my parents.  Now the kids on my side are all young...so it was loud and wild like the first years in Brett's family Christmases.  And it was so fun to hear our son part of the noise!!  Part of opening gifts and stealing his cousins gifts when he could.  A true dream come true.

We headed out to Sherwood Park, AB on the 30th and visited with precious friends.  We got to see our buddy Kardin and the newest addition, 7 week old Boston.  Evan had a RIOT with Kardin!!!!  It was so fun watching them playing.  We had gotten Kardin a make up set with actual kid make up, and Evan was right in there wanting to "pretty up".  After some explaining that make up is for GIRLS, we let him have his fun with his pal! 

It's just crazy watching Evan growing up so fast before our eyes.  It's so true...in a blink of an eye...

I also got to have some precious cuddle time with little Boston.  Brett and I giggled though because we thought of Evan at 7 weeks...barely 3lbs and still 5 weeks earlier than my due date.  It was crazy to hold a term baby!  It took a while for Evan to be that weight for sure!!

But it was nice to feel that sweet baby boy in my arms.  To allow myself to dream a little bit :)

I am just so happy when I think of this precious family!  I'm already looking forward to our next visit!

Evan did great with the drive out and back home.  But of course his schedule was out the window so it took a while to get back on course.  Fortunately the major stuff with the basement was pretty much complete, so we have been able to hang out at home again.  Which is nice!  And sooooo nice to have the basement to play in!!

So, latest updates.  Hmmmmm.  Things have been oddly "normal" in our lives.  Evan hasn't had any appointments lately...and that has been a nice feeling!!!  A couple coming up, but just standard check ups. 

He is doing amazing!  And we are very fortunate for that!!

He has been having some rough nights again...therefore...so have I!  But I will take those rough nights ANY DAY and not complain or wish them away...because the alternative of what COULD have happened, and the years we spent in pain dreaming of children...those nights were far worse wishing we were up with our child/ren.

I get tired of the moments where I catch myself "complaining" about how tired I am or how I wish Evan would sleep through the night or whatever might be the case.  I realize that yes, I'm a human and I get tired and down...but like I say...we dreamed of a child/ren for so many years, and shed so many tears since.  I now cherish my exhaustion.  I welcome it in a strange way.  Those moments where I hear my son calling for "mommy"...that's me!  He is calling for ME.  And I wouldn't want it any other way.

We went through so much to get to this point that I don't feel like I "deserve" to complain or get frustrated. 

Now...DON'T get me wrong...I DO complain and get frustrated...but when I hear myself doing that...it makes me sad.  Yes, the human emotions when exhausted are easy to be frustrated...but I would give away all my sleep to have all our children here and calling for me. 

It is for a time.  It is for a season.  And I DO NOT want to wish those times and seasons away.  I DO NOT want to rush my son to grow up just so I can catch some shut eye.

I want to savour every moment.  I want to feel everything I always dreamt of feeling, and everything I always heard others "complaining" about and wishing they understood how lucky they were to GET to be tired for this reason.

I am here in this place I wished and prayed for.  Yes, with many pains and brokeness along the way...but I am here...and I am thankful.

Anyhow, regarding seasons...

Yesterday morning I made a huge step and converted Evan's crib in to a TODDLER BED!!!!!!!!  I thought why not.  It was getting hard to get him in over the rail with the matress so low, and he IS growing up so quickly.  I figured why not do some trial and error!  So far...no error!!!!!  He had his nap yesterday in his "big boy bed" and did great, and then last night slept in his bed (although some interuptions through the night) and stayed in it and didn't fall out!  And is now napping again in there.

I've always had his bedroom door closed through the night so the dogs wouldn't disturb him or any noises, but in the toddler bed I thought maybe I should leave it open a bit so IF he did climb out there would be a tiny bit of light from the hall thermostat.  I was worried about him wandering around, so I put up a baby gate in his door way and left the door open just a crack when we all turned in.

My concern after putting him down was ME!!!  Having to climb over it without banging my foot, or the thought of forgetting about it and crashing right in to it in the night if he awoke. 

And since last night was the first NIGHT I have learned that even though he wakes up, he just sits in his bed and cries for me without coming out.  That might change the more he becomes aware that he CAN get out.  But for now I think I will just keep the gate down and the door closed.

I've "proofed" his room as best as I can and have hidden all the cords from any electrical outlet.  And I still use a monitor and I hear any little noise in my sleep, so I think we'll try it this way tonight.

Trial and error!

Walking in his room and seeing his toddler bed...that was a tough pill to swallow!  My teeny is a TODDLER!  My baby who lived in an isolette for so long is now in a TODDLER BED!!!  WOWWWWWW!!!!!!

Other than that, the weather is taking a turn.  I'm watching outside my back window and watching the tree line of the cemetery fade away behind the blowing snow.  Yuck!

Apparently we are supposed to get a rather large dumping of snow tonight, tomorrow and the next day as well I believe. 

And it is cccccccold!  With the windchill it is supposed to feel like -33 degrees!  YUCK!!

Time to sit in front of the fireplace and enjoy that warmth!!  I love my fireplace!

Well, I suppose I should get going.  Evan is at the tail end of his nap...however with the nights he has been having maybe he'll surprise me and sleep a bit longer to make up some lost z's! 

I should go and get a few things done and try to figure out what to make for supper.

My dream...a personal chef!!!!  What a treat that would be!!  I enjoy cooking, but some pampering is always nice!  A girl can dream, right?!  hee hee hee.

HAPPY 2011 TO YOU ALL!!!

My blog will certainly continue...

I hope to get to know some of my readers a little more!

Blessings to you all!

Giving back to those who gave so much for our sons...

The last place any parents wants to be is the NICU.  Even though when needed...it is the best place for their little one(s) to be.  And the love and care that child(ren) receive from the amazing doctors, nurses and staff...it's undescribable.

So this year I couldn't think of any thing I'd rather do.  I wanted to do something for those parents in a position that I remember all too clearly.  And I wanted to bring some cheer to them and the doctors, nurses and staff.  To show that their efforts and their love will NEVER EVER be forgotten!

I spent two INSANE days baking like a mad-woman.  Two nights that led to the wee hours of the mornings.  But...it got done.  And boy, did it ever feel good!

Last week Brett, Evan and I packed everything up and headed to the hospital.  I had pre-arranged this with the NICU liason nurse (the most wonderful angel ever!  This woman is amazing!) and we met up and I organized the trays in the parent waiting room and then we took the baking for the dr's/nurses/staff to the staff room.  We also donated two nursing pillows for the NICU, and...I handed over the "graduation wall" photos page that I did of the boys.  Finally.  After almost 2 years of agonizing over that!  And admittedly...I miss seeing it in my house.  HOWEVER...it is where it belongs.

It was GREAT news to hear that the NICU was not that busy.  This is one area where that is a WONDERFUL thing to hear!  We met a couple of parents, and visited with lots of nurses who cared for Evan during his stay.  Some we hadn't seen since Evan was discharged...so the last time they saw him he wasn't even 5lbs...and ever so tiny tiny tiny!

A few got teary-eyed, but mostly jaws dropped with joy and shock by how wonderful Evan is doing, and how tall he is, how active, chatty...a little boy!

When we left...my heart was overflowing.  Later that day the NICU liason called me to let me know that already one of the three trays I brought in was eaten and how much the parents were touched that someone would do that.

I didn't do it for my own well-being.  I didn't do it for recognition. 

I did it because I know how much it would have meant to me.

And I did it because they deserved some holiday cheer.

I did it because I was there, and I understand.

I did it because there was nothing I wanted to do more than to help bring some joy to an otherwise scary time of life.

Some babies were just in there temporarily.  Some will be longer term.  And the reality is that some may not come home.

These parents deserved to know that there are others out here that understand and who are thinking of them, even though we don't have a clue who they are.

And it felt really good to do something to brighten up the dr/nurses/staff day too!!! 

Every Christmas I think about how I want to do something for others.  I don't want gifts for myself (although appreciate the thoughtfulness of my amazing husband!), and I just want to do something for others who Christmas may not be so joyful as everyone thinks the season should be.  We don't all live in a pain-free, joyful season...and that's just reality.  And I just want to be able to touch someones life and let them know that they are loved and cared for...even though I am a complete stranger and will most likely never meet any of these people.

To me, that is what Christmas is about.  Reaching out to those in need.  Remembering those who are hurting.  Giving to those who may not have anyone to receive anything from.  And trying to bring some joy to an otherwise not-so-joyful time of year.

What was the most special part of this was taking everything to the hospital with Brett and Evan.  It hurt missing Zac from this moment...but he was there.  Oh boy, was he ever there.

But it was so special to do this as a family.  To have Evan begin to understand Christmas is more than presents and "me me me, mine mine mine".  It's about doing something for someone else in need.

I am greatful for my family.  My family and inlaws who understand that OUR Christmas hurts as we continue to miss our 4 angels above.  That we miss having Zac's name on a gift beside Evan's.  That we miss our son, and we are not "better".  And they remember with us.  And the ones who speak Zac's name to me, the ones who tell me they remembered and wondered how I was doing...that is more precious than I can say.  This is YOUR way of doing something for someone in need...ME!  And I love you for it!! 

To share with us as we savour every minute and memory with Evan, yet ache for our son and children in heaven.

It feels good to remember it's more than just about us.  It feels good to do something for someone else in need.  So good that I would really like to continue with this for years to come!

Even though Christmas will always hold a sting, it was still a very MERRY CHRISTMAS because of the love of family and friends who have remained by our side.

I would also like to give a special thank you to the aunt of someone I used to work with, who lovingly made all these amazing tiny little knitted hats for the little ones in NICU.
They were so very appreciated!!!!!!
Thank you for doing such a wonderful thing!



Zac's Christmas Wreath...

It is year two.  Year two of placing Zac's wreath...at the cemetery.  Instead of a stocking over the fireplace filled with little treats for him to go through beside his brother.
For some reason this year I struggled to get the wreath done and put out.  I guess a part of me didn't want to admit that I was doing this again.  Part of me fought with reality.
Last year I had it out by December 1st.  This year...I put it out just last week on a really cold day.  My fingers were numb with fastening the wreath to the wreath holder that is permanently left out there.
Well, first I had to shovel a path to Zac's plot from the road way.  That's one thing I always have in my car now...a little shovel, so I can get to my son.
So I shoveled the path, shoveled off Zac's plaque and set up his area in Christmas decorations.
Sad thing is...I haven't even set up a Christmas tree in our own home!  Usually I'm all over that!  But there has been a lot of work happening in our basement and Evan and I are actually rarely even around the house...so I justify it by saying we can enjoy my parents tree, and Brett's parents tree.
Well, I do have a wreath on my front door!  And my mom gave me a few things to help spruce up the house a bit.
It's not that I don't WANT to be in the holiday mood...I just have had NO TIME!!
But next year...next year I will make it up!!!!  I am determined!!

Yesterday Brett and I attended a wedding.  We only knew 2 people at the reception so we sat with them and the pastor who did the wedding ceremony.
After the service and before the reception I said to Brett "when people ask if we have any children...let me answer."  I know Brett would just say "one"...and I just can't deal with that.  For MY sake.  I get where he is coming from and I know it's that he isn't wanting to recognize Zac...it just gets hard explaining to people.
But for ME...I always tell the story.  Never to make others uncomfortable (and honestly, I don't care if my reality would make them uncomfortable) but I always answer in a way that includes both my sons.  I just wish I had the energy to include my sweet Whisper, Jack and Ethan in that too...
Sometimes the opportunity comes about, but since Evan is NOT a singleton baby, it's not right to not mention Zac.
ANYHOW, Brett was fine with that. 
And sure enough, as we were in line for the buffet the topic of Evan came up and the pastor asked if Evan was our only child and Brett instictively answered "yes", but I looked at the pastor and said "well, not technically.  Evan has a twin brother, but Zac passed away when he was 3 days old". 
The other couple that we knew at our table knows of Zac and Evan so the conversation carried over and the pastor asked questions and so did the wife of the other couple.  And although it was so painful to talk about things so "matter-of-fact"...it felt GOOD to have these two people ask genuine questions and share their sadness of our loss.  To have people ASK and talk about our sons and the journey we have been on.  To STAY ON the subject instead of quickly changing the subject.  And you know what...I just realized something that I appreciate even MORE about that conversation.  NEVER ONCE did either of them say "but at least you have Evan".  Yes, I have heard that one before, and it's a zinger.
So now that I realize this...my heart feels even MORE full of gratitude for these two who let me talk about BOTH my sons and have the conversation go on more than my explanation and their quick and panicked "I'm so sorry". 
It felt good.
I felt like Zac was truly recognized along side Evan...and that does this broken mommy heart good!
These people did a very special thing for me, and they don't even realize it!
And my heart felt full of love, and I can smile because last night both my sons were awed over!
That was a perfect Christmas gift to me!

Graduation wall...

This has been almost 2 years since I have been able to find the strength to finish this project. 

When children leave NICU, most parents provide a "graduation" photo, page...something to mark the day.  The NICU has walls lined of photos of babies who have overcome the odds...and a wall for precious angels who did not graduate as parents would have hoped.  Not on this earth any way.

And I think that's why I struggled so much...because, where did I belong? 

Evan graduated from NICU and in to our home and lives.  Zac graduated...to heaven.

I couldn't make two separate pages.  I couldn't make one for Zac to be placed in the Angels section while Evan was placed in the graduation section.  I couldn't separate my boys again.  They HAVE to be together.

And although they graduated in different ways...they graduated together.  And so I have done their page TOGETHER.

This is the first time I've ever done any sort of "scrap book" page...so it isn't perfect...but it is to me.

And honestly...it is going to be very hard to part with this.

However...my boys belong on that wall.

And so doing this page, I have shed many many joyful, and bitterly painful tears.

Looking back at these photos of those first days of both of my sons.  Thinking of every one of those 5 weeks in the hospital before they were born, the night the boys had to be delivered, the days following...and weeks, months and now years.

So many emotions.  Two seperate ranges tangled in to one heart.

Yet the following verses will forever ring true...

"I thank my God every time I remember you"  Philippians 1:3

"The Lord has done great things for us, and we are filled with joy"  Psalm 126:3

Both so true for BOTH our sons!  Regardless the outcomes, we are filled with joy.  We have been able to love our sons.  In Zac's short life, and with Evan every day.  I also got to be filled with joy the 28 weeks and 1 day that I carried my sons and felt them growing, kicking, dancing, hiccuping, sleeping...

Yes, I am filled with joy, no matter the pain that is included.

Anyhow, God gave me the strength to finally complete this project, and I just wanted to share this with you...whoever you are.

Three years ago today...we were faced with our first "good bye"...

Our 6 week ultra sound where we learned we had lost our little "Whisper", but were expecting identical twins!  This is the only ultra sound picture I have, and the only proof of their lives...therefore it is the picture I will post...again.

December 6, 2007 changed our lives forever.

December 6, 2007 we heard the for the FIRST time "your babies have died".

December 6, 2007 changed me.

December 6, 2007 is imprinted on me forever.

This was the day Brett and I joyfully entered my OB's office to see the 20 fingers, 20 toes, 4 eyes, 2 noses, 4 arms, 4 legs and 2 precious heart beats beating in sync.  I was around 12 weeks at this appointment.

Funny how looking back I was already numb before the appointment.  Looking back, even though I hadn't known I had miscarried...it was like my heart knew what to expect.  And as the doctor searched for our babies heart beats...the longer she took, the quicker I knew...we were doomed.  We had lost our first children. 

I had failed.

That's how I felt.  First I couldn't get pregnant without medical intervention.  Even though Brett and I were both deemed "perfect" on paper.  Second, we get pregnant...and I proceed to lose all our children...without even knowing it.

I felt like a failure.  Some days I still do.

These babies were wanted from the second they were fertilized in a petri dish.  These babies were prayed for every second from the moment they were transfered back inside me.  These babies were my dream for 8 years of trying.  These babies were a miracle.  They still are miracles.  They are still my babies.  Even if I only carried them for a short while before learning they were gone.  Even if I never got to see those fingers, toes, eyes, ears, noses, arms, legs, hearts...they are our children, and I miss them as much today as I did three years ago.

Yes...time softens the darkness that I felt those following days, weeks, months...years.  Yes, the tears are not as feverent every day...but they still fall.  And yes...Christmas is still tough because of the loss of our first children, and then Zac.

Love and joy have found a way back to me.  Don't get me wrong...it doesn't just happen.  That first year I wanted to give up.  After losing our babies I couldn't see past the blackness of my heart and the emptiness of my body.  But eventually I knew I had to make a choice...get up or give in.

And no matter what the future was to hold...I DID have a family in Brett.  We, even though at that time were a family of two...we were and will always be FAMILY.

The blessing of Zac and Evan was beyond our dreams, and we never would have imagined having to face a funeral of our own child as we never got to bury our first children.  Both were dark experiences. 

But we have been blessed with Evan.  Our hearts will always ache for our 4 other angels in heaven...but Evan is our angel on earth.  And for that I will smile, I will get up, I will fight for my today's and my tomorrow's.

I miss our babies every day.  But today...today was the day we heard the first experience of death in our own family.  Today, 3 years ago, we were told our babies no longer lived.

Yet...we know they do.

And one day we will all unite again.  And I pray that they will all love me as much as I have always loved them...even before they were ever conceived.