Yesterday was a day that felt like it didn't truly belong to us. I didn't WANT it to belong to us.
Yesterday was the joint Memorial Service for baby loss families. This is done through one of the funeral homes here in our city. An amazing, and selfless gift that they provide to hurting families who have to face the loss of a child...no matter what stage of pregnancy or reason for the loss. I am forever grateful that this funeral home has gone above and beyond and cared for SO many babies who may otherwise never get a chance at a "decent" burial or place for families to come to and KNOW where their child/ren have been cared for.
I never knew about this service that is provided. After we lost our first babies I was haunted for YEARS wondering what I had done, just aimlessly leaving the hospital after my D&C, and not asking what happens to our babies from there.
I always had this horrid fear that they were just tossed aside as medical waste.
I didn't know.
I didn't know that this funeral home is contacted to come and collect the remains of babies, and this funeral home lovingly (without financial cost to the family or mother) cremates the remains, provides each their own cremation capsule, and then buries them with other babies lost too soon.
Is there ever TRUE comfort after losing a child?
No, I honestly don't feel there is ever a "comfort" so to speak. Your heart aches for the rest of your life...no matter how much I know my children are more alive today in heaven than here on earth...my mommy heart aches, and I miss all of my babies.
However...when I finally learned of this service provided by the funeral home, and then the Memorial Service they do for families to join together...I felt...relief.
I didn't just walk away from that hospital and walk away from all that remained of my babies.
And now I know. And I will advocate for as long as I have breath for all families going through loss.
And for those who work in the medical field who deal with the intimate and painful experience of a patient losing a baby...PLEASE...learn about this loving option for families. PLEASE! Don't let them wonder like I was left to wonder! Don't let them carry the guilt of just walking away after their child is taken from their body, and not knowing the loving care they can be (and are, even without knowledge as in my case after our first miscarriage) given.
All that has to be said is "contact the Saskatoon Funeral Home" and make sure they pick up my baby's remains.
That is all I had to do when I was waiting for that dreaded D&C with Faith.
Know that you can have a place for your baby, and a place to visit.
I know everyone is so different and deals with loss in different ways...but it still means the world to me to have Zac's gravesite to visit, and now know with certainty that the remains of Jadon, Ethan, Jack and now Faith have a "place" here on earth.
Yesterday did cause me to have to face something I wondered when would be the "right" time to share with Evan.
If you remember...Evan was with me in the ultra sound room the day I learned Faith's heart had stopped beating. He saw the tears. He saw the grief. But all I told him was that mommy was sad because an angel had to leave her, and I missed her.
He never knew he was going to be a big brother.
He loves to hold my family chain pendant, the one that holds each of our 6 children's birthstones. He loves the colors, and always says how beautiful it is.
He has never known what the stones stood for.
But because Evan is so intuitive and so sensitive, I knew he would need an explanation for the service we would be attending. It was time he knew. It was time to share what an incredibly unique brother he is.
Of course he knows of Zac. We have Zac's picture in his room beside Evan's picture. He has seen the 3D ultra sound picture I had of the boys before our nightmare began. He comes to the cemetery to release a balloon and blow a kiss every birthday, and every night during prayers we remind God to give Zac a hug and kiss for us and tell him we love him.
He knows he is a twin.
What he hasn't known is that he is a little brother to our triplet angels, Jadon, Ethan and Jack.
Yes, he knows he is a twin brother to Zac.
No, he did not know until yesterday that he is a big brother to our recent angel, Faith.
Now he knows.
He is still innocent enough where the knowledge is not weighing on his mind. But now...it's all there. It's all in the open. All of our children have been shared with him. And though it breaks my heart into a million pieces that on this earth he will never know his brothers and sister...at least now he knows.
When I first told him why we were going to this service I explained "mommy had a baby in her tummy, but she got sick, and now she lives with Jesus and Zac in heaven", his face LIT right up and he was so excited and said "WHAT BABY mommy!! OUR baby?!" He was so excited about a baby in my tummy.
It stabbed me to have to say "no buddy, there WAS a baby in my tummy. But she isn't there anymore."
So he said "so we are going to go meet her at the service?"
And I said, "no bud, we are going to remember her. But we won't be able to see her. We will let a balloon go for her like we do for Zac, and then we will go visit her special place like we do for Zac. But we won't actually see her. We have to wait for heaven for that."
As I type this replay, I am angry. I am so so so so angry. I am so tired of our babies leaving us. And I just don't get it. I don't understand. And even though day to day I have found "peace"...I am still angry to have to constantly have to say good bye.
And angry that Evan even has to know what all of this means too.
Especially since he will very likely be an only child. At least that how I see it. I don't see another miracle in the future for us. I just don't. Not right now. And if there is...I will be grateful and humbled...but right now, after so much loss and heart ache and after so many prayers for healing and saving our babies only to lose them over and over...it's hard to believe why now. Why would we expect or allow ourselves to hope for another miracle...no matter how badly we would love that to happen.
It's too hard, and too scary to hope right now. And I won't apologize for that.
The service was BEAUTIFULLY put together. It was beyond precious.
And to be gathered with so many grieving parents/families...those who truly understand and just want a chance to remember and honour our babies in the safety of non-judgement...it was amazing.
The tears flowed. I couldn't stop them. Why would I even try?
They are real. The scars run deep.
Yes, time changes them...but never erases them.
After the service we each received a balloon to release in remembrance.
We went outside of the funeral home, and beautiful music played as each family gathered, tears flowing, looking up to the sky as the balloons drifted away.
Treasured. Beautiful.
And then we gathered at the cemetery (oh, did I mention there have been INSANE down-pouring rain storms the past few days...) to see the memorial inscriptions of our children placed with so many others lost.
For me, it was especially touching to see Ethan, Jack and Jadon's names above Faith's. To SEE their names. To now know that this sacred ground is where their remains were cared for and placed. After almost 6 years of not knowing. I now know.
Still, the day did not seem real.
It didn't seem like it was meant for us.
We are just weeks away from what should have been Faith's DUE DATE, not standing there seeing her name on a memorial wall after her burial. I found out her remains were finally laid to rest on June 13th.
It all seemed so senseless and wrong. And like a really bad dream.
Yet, as it sunk in...I am at least grateful for the fact that I know 4 of our 5 angels are "together". That I KNOW that ALL 5 of our angels are running together in heaven.
It touched my heart to know that they are remembered by others who read the inscriptions on those memorial stones, as I have done with so many of the other names there with my children.
They will never be forgotten.
Ever.
Not only are they written on the palm of God's hand...but they are forever inscribed in stone, and in my heart.
There was a song played during the service, and the balloon release. I don't know the artist that sings it, but I want to include the words of that song now because they just wrapped around my heart...
In my dreams, you are alive and well
Precious child, precious child.
In my mind, I see you clear as a bell
Precious child, precious child.
In my soul, there is a hoe
That can never be filled
But in my heart, there is hope
'Cause you are with me still.
In my heart, you live on
Always there never gone.
Precious child, you left too soon
Tho' it may be true that we're apart
You will live forever...in my heart.
In my plans, I was the first to leave
Precious child, precious child.
But in this world, I was left here to grieve
Precious child, precious child.
In my soul, there is a hole
That can never be filled
But in my heart there is a hope
And you are with me still.
In my heart you live on
Always there, never gone
Precious child, you left too soon,
Tho' it may be true that we're apart
You will live forever...in my heart.
God knows I want to hold you,
See you, touch you
And maybe there's a heaven
And someday I will again
Please know you are not forgotten until then.
In my heart you live on
Always there never gone
Precious child, you left too soon
Tho' it may be true that we're apart
You will live forever...in my heart.
Always and forever, my sweet babies...you are with me!! I love you all! Ethan, Jack, Jadon, Zac and Faith!! We love you, and we are so proud of you all!! xoxoxoxoxoxo
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| Fly high |
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| Evan with his balloon to release |
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| Heading to the cemetery |
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| The memorial stone that now have Jack, Ethan, Jadon and Faith's inscriptions |
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