Baby Steps...

It begins with baby steps, right?

Moving forward that is.

As I began the agonizing process of going through Evan's clothes to see just what I could part with, I had a stack of his wee tiny clothes.  Preemie clothes.  All in a stack on my glider chair ottoman.

These ones I just can NOT part with.  And that's just fine.
Oh who am I kidding??  I didn't part with TONS of his clothes.  
As I pulled out each article I could see the moment he wore that item.  I could smell the moment.
And some were just too treasured to part with at this time.
Bit by bit. 
But my heart can't handle letting go of everything all at once!

I caught a glimpse of Evan in the background of these clothes used for his tiny less than 5lb body.  

I saw my almost 5 year old little boy behind that stack of clothes.

And my heart exploded.  For many reasons.  

The biggest reason...my little wonder out grew each of these clothes and many, many more!

He has grown.  He has thrived.  He has matured.  He has become this amazing little boy who loves life.  He is smart.  He is exploring his talents.  He is big in to drawing detailed pictures and also TAKING pictures with my old camera.  I can NOT wait for warmer weather when we can go out together and take photograph walks!

I love to watch his mind work.  

I love watching him put in to actions those thoughts.

I love his sensitivity.

I love his young wisdom.

I love his innocent faith and trust.

I just plain old LOVE this boy of ours!  

And I am beyond grateful.

He is teaching me to look ahead with optimism and faith.

He restores my hope and faith daily.

And I love, love, LOVE how prayer has become so second nature to him!!

Last night I hurt my back.  And straight away Evan says "mommy, I am going to pray to Jesus to heal your back right now!"  And he did.  Just like that, prayer was the first step to me getting better.

Then this morning at 5am I felt a tap on my shoulder and heard a whisper "mommy, I had a bad dream!"  So in to bed he happily crawled (a rare occurrence indeed!  He loves his bed and his space!).  As he laid beside me he simply said "mommy, I didn't like that dream.  You need to pray for me.  NOW!"

And so we did.

I'm glad this is becoming so central in his life.

He loves praise and worship music.

He does NOT like TV shows with cartoon monsters with sharp teeth and claws and red eyes.

I love how he knows what makes him uncomfortable, and senses what isn't right for him.

I feel a touch of pride.

I feel like we are doing an okay job as parents.

Teaching.  Guiding.  Learning from example (okay...sometimes that one can shoot me in the foot.  Lets just say Evan and I have a LOT of the same characteristics...learned solely by mommy.  **blush**)

But all in all, I think we are doing a good job.

Every day I wonder if I am being a good enough mom.  If I'm teaching him the right things.  If I'm guiding him in the way I pray he grows.

And most days I feel pleased.

We all have off days, right!?!  4+ years old and *ehem* 38+ years old.

But today, I am moved to tears as I listen to Evan sing my praise, and tell me how awesome I am, and how much he loves me.  And how proud he is of me (that one especially joked me up!).  

Moving forward has been a scary and even sad thought for me in some ways.  But watching our precious son growing and maturing in to the young boy that he is becoming just overwhelms my heart with joy.

I may not understand the path God has brought us on.  I may have been quite angry about a lot of it.  I may have had moments of screaming towards the heavens.

But right now...I'm shouting and screaming praises of thanks and gratitude.

Whatever comes next...

well, I'll take it in baby steps!

When...

Do you ever feel overloaded by the word "when"?

I sure have.  And I do.

"When I grow up I will..."

"When I graduate I will..."

"When I get a job I will..."

"When I get married I will..."

"When we have children I will..."

Well, I've grown up (mostly!).  I graduated.  I've had a few jobs.  I got married.  And attempting to grow our family has been one heck of a "when".

I love my son on earth...with every single fiber in my soul.

I love my five heavenly angels, with those same fibers.

I'm coming to a place in my life where I know God CAN provide that miracle we still desire...but my heart, in all honesty...doesn't know if it has the faith that He will.

I'm sure that sounds completely UNfaithful, and I guess to an extend right now my faith is weary...so it's just where I am at right now.

Ever since Evan outgrew his exersaucer and swing (along with a few other items), those two particular items have been hanging over my head...LITERALLY!  We have had them stored in our back entry over our closet, and they literally hung out from the edge of the top storage space.

They have been there for years.  Always hanging over my head.

And for a while, during our FETs, I would look up and hope that one day soon we would be able to take those items down again, dust them off, and put them in to use.

That didn't turn out to be the case.

So, the other day I started doing the unthinkable.

I began to sort through baby items and clothes that I will be putting in to a consignment sale in our city in April.

Is my heart truly ready to part with these things?

No.

Is my head?

I don't know.

Then why am I doing it?

I'm tired of living like this.

Of wishing, and hoping and praying.  Of begging, of pleading, of bartering.

I'm tired of feeling stuck in a place of questioning whether my faith isn't big enough, or maybe my hope is too niave.

I tend to rush in to things from time to time.  And then a while later wish I hadn't rushed so quickly.

But in this case...Evan will be FIVE in March.  We've struggled and prayed and hoped and have come close to seeing these items being dusted off and used, only to have it crush our hearts.

So it is time for me to start fully living in today.

We have no embryos left. 

We have said good bye to our dear fertility doctor and clinic.

We have donated my unused medications and packed away my huge file of correspondence with my clinic.

In this respect...there is no going back.  No "maybe next time".  

No..."when".

Do I still secretly hold in my heart that maybe, just maybe WE could be one of THOSE stories of a couple who experience a natural blessing by surprise?  

Yes.  I do.  I guess my heart just can't fully let go yet.

But I know it won't be through the gift of the world or ARTs.   Those days are done.  And my body is too tired.  I have put it through more than it's share of procedures, medications, manipulations, injections, blood draws and emotional highs and devastatingly painful lows.

But...I still hold the slightest glimmer of niave hope.

I'm learning that the word "when" can be a word that can both give you anticipated hope and drive, yet can also paralyze you from reaching past that exact "when" moment.

I've been in paralyzed mode for a while now.  It's time to move forward.

I want to embrace the life in front of me and ahead of me.

Not even just as a mother...but for ME.  

Though I do NOT want to face this, nor do I want to accept this...a time will indeed come when Evan won't need me like he does now.  And truly...I have no idea who I am outside of being the mom he needs.  For right now, that is ok.  I truly believe that is ok, because he needs me.  And I need him.

When the day comes when I know my place isn't front and center with him anymore...I need to have an idea of where I go from there.  So I suppose I am dabbling in exploring new adventures and possibilities for me.

The thought of the future both scares and excites me.  It fills me with pride, and with sadness to watch my tiny 2lb wonder grow up from me.

I see his little life and wonder...who is this precious boy going to be?  What will he do?  Where will he go?  Will I have done my job by instilling everything I hope he holds dear and true to his heart?  

Who will take the place of my hand in his?  Will she be good to him?  Will she respect and cherish him?  Will he treat her like the queen she should be in his life?  

This is all a bit heavy for my heart to write out early in the morning while I wait for Evan to wake up!

And I feel like my words are as scattered as my mind right now.

I don't mean to sound that every "when" moment has been a holding place for me.  No, not at all.  You need a few of those "when" moments to drive you.

It's just that now in this place in my life, I want some of those "when" moments to come to life.  And slowly...they will!  And that can be very exciting too.  Even if it means that the reason for why you were being held back from that moment (though prayerfully desired...the desire that maybe this would be the time you would have another living child) has not, and may never again happen.

So step one for me has been dealing with the baby items.  

I have a corner (ok, half of a room!!) starting to get organized with SOME of the items that I will be putting in to the consignment sale.

Should the time ever come where God completely shocks us with a natural surprise and another living child...then I now know where to go to buy gently used baby items! ;)

I have also gone through the OH SO MANY bins of Evan's clothes.  Some to hopefully pass on to my nephew's boys, and well...lets admit it...the majority of those clothes have been put back in their bins because I just can't let go yet.

Some items and clothes I am just not ready to let go of.  I told Brett to give me until I am 41 (which isn't that far away).  

An exciting "when" moment that Brett and I have talked about for SIXTEEN years (yes, 13 years of those have been because we have been so family-growing focused so that is where our money had to be allocated to.  Oh the joys of not being able to reproduce the good ol' fashioned way!) is that we have officially, and seriously begun preparations for a trip to Hawaii!!!!!  And THAT is exciting me BIG TIME!!  Evan asks every day "can we go to Hawaii on Tuesday?  I don't like being cold!"  I wish!!

But our trip won't be until 2015.  (is it bad that I'm excited for this year to fly by??!!)

I look back on the past 16 years of our marriage, and on our journey to have a family, and I see a lot of those "when" moments.

I do not regret putting many of those on hold.  Not for a moment.

Our focus to have a family was greater than all of those moments.

But I see now that there comes a time when you have to refocus and begin to move forward.

Right now I'm still in heel-dragging mode.  Though I'm only fresh off the ARTs wagon...and just over a year from the loss of our fifth Angel, Faith.  So, I don't feel the need to just instantly switch gears.  I'm not "there" ...yet.  And that is ok.  

I'm just realizing that I don't want to lose moments and adventures with my husband and son now.  And now that we are done with treatments, there truly is nothing holding us back. 

Life will always hold "when" moments...it's just that now those moments are starting to bring a new excitement.  Even if letting go and moving forward is like slowly ripping off a bandaide that has been there so long it has grown on to my body!

Here is to today!

Wishing you all a beautiful one!

New chapters...

Wow...it has been a while for sure.  I'm sure that any people who have been faithful in following my blog are probably wondering if I've brought it to a close.  And to be honest...it likely won't be as faithful as in the beginning.

HOWEVER, as the post heading states...today it is about new chapters.  Whether I want them or not.
Life has changed.  Parts have come to an end.  Other chapters are just about to begin.

In the fall I accepted treatment to proceed with our very last frozen embryo transfer.

I had gone in to this believing that no matter the outcome, I would be ok.  And that I would just be relieved to finally put this long journey to a close.  I told myself that I would just be content to GET to transfer since my lining issues.  That I would embrace whatever life brought.

So, I began my meds.
I went in to this cycle trying to be calm and focused and not stressed about the thing that I could not control.
I went RELIGIOUSLY for acupuncture to assist in my cycle and lining issues.
I ate right.  I exercised moderately.  I cut back on coffee and anything that MIGHT be a blocker.
I did my "Bend, Breathe and Conceive" yoga DVD religiously.
I did castor oil packs with fertility massages.
I devoured prenatal vitamins and Folic Acid.
I tried to sleep well.

And I prayed.

But not your typical "please, please, please let this work" kind of prayer.

Lets not dance around it.  My prayers in regards to conceiving and having a healthy, living child are somewhat shall we say, jaded.
I know the pain of praying with "certainty" and claiming healing and the desire for a child only to be left with confusion and hurt and a multitude of "why?  Why not us God?  What did we do so wrong?"

I know God is not there to be my magic genie to grant my wishes.
I know that God is good, and that He has a plan for me, for my husband, for Evan...and for us as a family of three.

So I just prayed that He would help get me through in one final piece.  
And that I would have some level of PEACE.

I prayed that I would just have a lining good enough to get to this transfer.  That this transfer wouldn't leave us with no hope in even proceeding.
And even though my lining still did not hit that magic "minimum 7mm" lining...it was close.  My first check was 6.3mm.  And from my history from last October's transfer we knew it would likely thicken more given a few days of grace.  So, I was not subjected to a repeat ultra sound check.  It would have been irrelevant anyhow.  We weren't going to cancel the cycle, and we knew we just had to go with what we were given.
For that I was relieved.  In all of this, I have hated those ultra sound checks.  Continually being faced with the reality of a body that does not do what the typical woman body SHOULD do.  I was tired of being faced with a body that doesn't meet the norm and continually hearing "not good enough".  Ones self esteem can only hearing that so much before believing that ALL of her is not good enough.
So hearing that the first lining check was CLOSE...I figured since I got pregnant last year with an under 7mm lining, that it could happen again.

And so our FET was scheduled.  For October 31st.

I won't lie...I teared up when I heard that date.  Because exactly one year prior...TO THE DATE...was when I both learned I was pregnant and also realized our baby was also in a world of trouble with the pregnancy.
October 31st last year began my own physical Halloween horror show and also hearing I was pregnant with a super amazing HcG (Beta...otherwise known as pregnancy hormone levels).
And then that November seeing our sweet little Faith's heart beat, only to have it stop one week later.

We hoped that the date would not be an indication of things to come.

This time we hopped a plane to head to our clinic.  We've never flown before.  But this time I figured since it was our last shot, why not go out in style!

The day of my transfer was so emotional for me.
The last time I would be in that city for THAT reason.
The last time we would be hoping and praying over this little life as it thawed from it's deep slumber.
The last time we would drive up to the clinic with my bladder on the verge of exploding.
The last time I would be in the waiting room with other couples with the same look of either new and excited anticipation...or worn and tired experience.
The last time I would gown up and Brett and I would try to keep the mood light.
The last time I would endure the physical discomforts of the transfer.
The last time we would feel that...hope.  As we would see our little embryo on the screen.  As we would watch on the ultra sound as that little life was being placed back in to my body.
The last time I would wonder if my body would accept, or reject another little one.

I was SO excited that it was our initial RE doing the transfer.  It truly felt like a closure day, and it was just too perfect when I heard that it would be Dr. Greene doing our transfer.  It was just how I hoped.

And after the transfer was complete and I was to remain laying on the table for 10 minutes, Dr. Greene came and put his hand on my shoulder, and he shook Brett's hand and wished us well and talked for a little bit...I lost it.  The second he left the room and it was just Brett and I and our newly transferred child...I lost it.
I burst in to tears for so many reasons.  6 years of IVF/FETs alone.  13 years of desperately praying and trying for a family.  So many losses.  One amazing living miracle.  Every visit to that clinic.  EVERYTHING came rushing to my mind in that moment.
And the realization that it was now truly...over.

There is no more.  Our last little one was now inside of me.  And all we could do was hope and wait.

We left the clinic and I felt so confused.

Relieved to have this journey come to an end.  Relieved that we had made it through, together, with our marriage still in tact.
But also so very sad.  Up to this point I had always had "well if this one doesn't work, maybe next time!"  I no longer have "next time".

During our waiting period we went to a service on healing one night.  The pastor prayed for us after.  And told us to "send a picture of the baby".
We struggled going to that service.  We have struggled with so many moments of being told "I know this will work out this time", "everything is going to be ok"...even that I was going to have a baby girl.

I often want to ask now...how?  How do people genuinely believe that they hear God assuring them of something?
I'm not trying to be negative here and say that God does NOT speak through people...I know that He can and He does.  Just, in my situation where things have gone quite the opposite to what people believed God was telling them...I just wish I could have an answer.  How did they know?  And how do they explain it now?
Again, I'm not saying that in a bitter way or negative way.  I'm genuinely interested in wanting to know the how.  And I most certainly do not doubt or question God and His goodness.  
Sometimes people mean well, and believe that they have been told something.  But sometimes it just isn't correct.  Again...I'm not saying I feel angry or hurt.  Just confused.

Well, back to the current transfer.
We waited our 2 weeks and then it was off for the blood test.

I have to admit something here.  These last few FETs I did my best to emotionally distance myself and not try to guess the outcome.  That is a very dangerous emotional game to play.  I've always waited for "the call" to hear yes or no.
But this time..without meaning to, I actually genuinely thought it had worked.
I would get so excited at the thought of hearing my Doctor say "positive" that I would get butterflies.
And the morning that my Doctor DID call...I just about jumped for joy.  Because my doctor has never EVER called to give me the negative news.  So I knew if her assistant called it would be negative, but if SHE called then it would be good news.
Well, she tricked me this time.  My Halloween "treat" turned in to the "trick" I so badly didn't want.
I heard her voice and my heart took off soaring.  And then it was shot in mid-air and came exploding to the ground.
She said "I'm so sorry bud, it was negative.  I've been sitting here for 20 minutes trying to work up the nerve to call you.  I just didn't want anyone else making the call this time."
She knows this was our last transfer.  Our last hope.
I calmly hung up...and then did something I never wanted to do.
I broke down right in front of Evan.

He crawled up on me and asked me why I was so sad.  And I gently told him...the truth.
Mommy had hoped we would be able to have another baby one day, but it wasn't going to happen.
He got a sad look on his face and said "aaaaaaw mommy, that is not fair!  Didn't Jesus hear you when you asked Him for a baby?"
That BLEW ME AWAY.
We have never explained the whole FET journey with Evan.  Good grief...what 4 year old should have to learn about the science of trying to have a baby.
We never told him WHY we had to go for an appointment for a couple days.
We've always kept him protected and sheltered from it all.

Other children just get to be told "You get to be a big brother/sister!!  There is a baby growing in mommy's tummy!"
They get the joy and innocence of something natural exciting.  They get to be dressed by their parents in the "Best Big Brother/Sister" t-shirts.  The cute Facebook announcements and emails and mail outs.

All Evan has known is that his big siblings are in heaven.  His twin brother is in heaven.  His baby sister is in heaven.  And now this.

And it makes me so angry.

I am angry.  And yes, even JEALOUS.  Yes, I said it.  Jealous.

And then I am mad.  Mad at myself for even letting my mind go to the possibility of this transfer working.  Mad that I almost pulled out my maternity clothes.  Mad that I pictured next summer with a new born at the lake with us.  Mad that I saw Evan with a proud look of love on his face doting over a baby sister or brother.
Mad that I let myself believe that it could happen for us.

And now I have to work through that mad, angry and jealous emotion.

And more grief...

I now grieve not only another loss of a transfer and child and dream.  But also grieve the knowledge that there is no more.  There will be no more treatments.  There are no more little lives waiting.
It's over.
And sometimes finality is far too bitter to want to accept.

I don't feel "bitter".
I feel grateful that we had the chance to go through 2 full IVF cycles and all of our FETs.
I am grateful for the positive pregnancy test phone calls I did receive.
I am grateful as we were able to watch Ethan and Jack's hearts beating at that 7wk ultra sound.
And for seeing Faith's heart beating, if only the one time.
I am grateful for knowing what it was like to be pregnant, if only to a max of 28 weeks gestation.
I am grateful for precious moments with Zac.
I am grateful for life with Evan.

I am grateful.

Though I still grieve.
I grieve that I watch others so easily get pregnant and have healthy living babies.
I grieve the dream of how I had pictured life.
I grieve that Evan won't have an earthly sibling, and that hurts my heart.
I grieve that I don't have the strength to believe that God could still preform a natural miracle.  I guess that comes from 13 years of this journey and never ONCE having a natural conception.  I guess I just don't see how it would happen now.  And I can't even let myself go there.  Because if I do, and if it doesn't happen...I will be angry.  And I don't want to be angry.
I grieve that my heart has not found peace in the closure of treatments.
I grieve that my heart still aches for another living child.

This has been a closure chapter for sure.  But I honestly wasn't prepared for how much I would grieve it.
I thought it would bring some peace to this long journey.  But I don't feel the peace yet.
And I feel like I'm kind of floating right now trying to figure out myself now.
I've been so focused on building a family.

My focus now?
Well of COURSE it is my family that I DO have!  
And that is my greatest pleasure and honor!!  
I get to pour even more of myself in to raising Evan in to the man he is meant to become.
I get to pour even more of myself in to the friendship and relationship of my marriage, that has often times been overshadowed through this journey.
I now need to learn who I am outside of the desire to have another child.
I want to build a bucket list, and start checking those things off.

Most importantly...I need to come back to my relationship with God.  Knowing and believing that He does have a plan for my life.  So much of my life and the pains of it seem so senseless.  I can't imagine how He could use any of it.  
I need to come back to the beginning.  
I need to trust.
I need to believe.  Truly believe.

This has been the most intense chapter of my life.  
And even though it is hard to close it...I know it needs to happen to fully embrace all that is to come.

Don't get me wrong.  It doesn't mean the pain of pregnancy and birth announcements don't hurt any less.  I don't know if that will ever happen.  
It doesn't mean that the tears for my heavenly children won't fall.  They will.  No one could expect that they wouldn't.
It doesn't mean I just forget everything.  That is impossible.

But I am opening myself up to the future.  And what may come.
And becoming the best mommy I can to Evan.  The best wife to Brett that I can be.
And the best to myself that I can become.

I honor the past, and I open myself to the future.

Blessed...

Sometimes it is easy to forget how blessed I am.
Sometimes the sadness of missing our heavenly angels washes over me, and the knowledge of my blessings can become a bit clouded...for a while.
Sometimes the ache in my heart can feel more intense than I would like to feel.


And then...

there is the HUGE majority of time where my heart is just overflowing with joy, love and feelings of how blessed I am.

I am.  I really am.

And I am grateful for that.

Yes, there will ALWAYS be those moments of sadness, and missing our children, and the ache in my heart. 
That will never disappear.  Because our children, though no longer on this earth, will never, EVER disappear from our memories, our hearts and our family.


I am grateful for my amazing husband.  I love him more than I can express.  He is my rock.  He is my support.  He is my strength.  He is my best friend! 
For a man of integrity, determination, wisdom, respect and love.
I am grateful for the blessing he is to me.

I am grateful for the most amazing gift of our son, Evan.
For his life being spared.  For his survival.  For the love he has brought to our home.  The laughter, the light, the hope...the very real presence of a miracle.
The most unique little guy I know in so many ways!
Unique brother...little brother to his angel triplet siblings, twin brother to his angel brother Zac, and big brother to his angel sister Faith.
Unique indeed.
He has the most inquisitive mind.  You can see when he is pondering something, and then when he asks his question it often catches me off guard how someone so young could ask something with such depth.
Watching my athletic little guy exploring his abilities and trusting his instincts.  Though moments of heart-stopping concern often over takes me...I trust that as long as I am near by, he needs to be able to TRY. 
He gives my soul breath. 
He gives my heart joy.
He gives my life meaning and purpose.
He is living proof that I am indeed blessed!

I am grateful for the beautiful HOME that my husband has been able to provide.  For his ability and creativity and for his unbelievably hard work in growing his company. 
That I have been given the blessing of being able to stay home with Evan and raise him because of my husband's hard work.

We have been having a fun summer indeed!
We bought a RV and have been able to get out camping twice.  The first time it rained the WHOLE time.  Bummer, but still fun.  Even the dogs had fun!
The second time we left the dogs at home with grandma and grandpa and brought my nephew and niece, and had my younger brother, sister-in-law and nephew come for a day too.  The weather was fantastic, and we all had such a fun time!!

Evan and I have been keeping busy and enjoying days at the spray park, paddling pool, parks and exploring on walks.  We have been working on his big boy bicycle and he is starting to enjoy it.  He loves his glider bike far more as he can go WAY faster on it.  And what little boy wouldn't prefer speed!

It feels as though summer has barely been here.  A very long winter this year.  A delayed spring.  And the summer days are already starting to feel cool.  UGH!!  NOT ready for that!  This morning there was cold dew on the grass...and even the dragon flies were unimpressed.  I transported 8 of them from the shade and dew on my lawn on to a sunny, warm spot.  Good deed for the day.  I adore dragon flies, so it warmed my heart to watch as their wings dried off and they started flying away. 

Fall brings with it a new adventure for Evan and I. 
He begins preschool.
Whuuuuuuut!?! 
This momma is NOT ready for that either!  I love having him with me all day every day. 
And even though preschool is only a few hours two mornings a week...it is W.E.I.R.D to me to think school is becoming an actual part of our lives. 
Yaaaa, sooooo not ready!

It is hard to watch how fast Evan is growing up. 
Exciting, encouraging, grateful for his health and growth...but still...it is going so fast!  And I am just clinging to these younger moments. 
Though on the other hand...it just gets more and more fun!  He is such an independent little guy.  And determined.  But still loves his snuggle time with mommy!
It is a riot to watch him with his cousins, and to watch his personality with each of them.
They are treasured moments...our coffee visits at the coffee store (Starbucks!), chatting and sharing and giggling.
The stolen smiles or winks that I get.  The "hey mommy...I love you"s. 
Watching him process moments of learning life lessons.  Lessons of kindness, fairness, sharing, obedience.
Lessons for MYSELF in teaching him these things.  And in those moments, learning to watch myself too! 
Bed time prayers.  Mine, and then his added prayers (which are far too adorable!!)
Listening to him singing praise and worship songs!  LOOOOOVE this, as my love for praise and worship music has wrapped itself around him as well!  YESSS!!

I am truly blessed.  I will never deny that.

Though my heart holds many hurts and scars...it also holds an abundance of joy and love and gratitude.

I was talking to Brett the other day saying how hard it must be for others who have not experienced such losses to understand how a persons heart can hold such an intricate balance of love and sorrow all wrapped up in one.  Where one does not outweigh the other.  Where sorrow does not overshadow the joy and love for life as it is, but where sorrow does remain.
Those who watch my love, laughter and joy with Evan and assume that my heart no longer aches...
Or when they see the moments of my sorrow and possibly assume that the sorrow shadows the joy and that I should just be "all better".
I'm learning not to take the lack of understanding as lack of compassion...even when sometimes it sure does feel that way.

I don't expect people to understand that personal balance of joy and sorrow.  How could I?  It is mine.  And I am learning what to allow others to see.  And what I share.

Life is changing for me.

New adventures are beginning. 
Parts of my life that have been front and center for the past 13 years (trying to start/grow our family) are coming to a close.
And it is both exciting, and scary.
And even a little sad for me.

For 13 years we have struggled for the family we had dreamed of.  The three children we thought we would raise, or so our "plan" had been in the niave, innocent phase of "when we have our family". 
For 9 years I have been through various fertility treatments, medications, poking, prodding, extracting, replacing, ultra sounds, pregnancies, losses, and life.
Who would ever think that someone who has only ever dreamed of being a mommy would be one who would face such struggle for something so pure and innocent?!   Something so ridiculously easy for so many others...even those who never wanted children.  Or the oh so popular comments "we weren't even TRYING!"
I will never understand that.  Lucky for them...frustrating for me and wondering why it couldn't be us!
I dream of a scenario where I would ever see a positive pregnancy test WITHOUT intervention.  A full term pregnancy that resulted in a full term, healthy take-home baby.  To experience the "normal" of it all.  The "innocence" of it all.

Though, that has not been the way it has been.
And likely never the way it will be.

But again...I am grateful.  I am grateful for those treatments and procedures and medications and poking and prodding that have resulted in hearing three times "you are pregnant". 
I am grateful that three times I have been able to see those early ultra sounds and seeing the beating hearts of all five of our six babies...except for Jadon.  Jadon was gone far too soon before we saw that sweet heart beating.
I am grateful for getting to dream, even if 5 of those 6 sweet babies were not able to fulfill the hopes and dreams I had for them on this earth.
And I am OH. SO. GRATEFUL for the life of Evan!

I am grateful for the blessings of my life.

Each scar tells a story, even if the scars are only visible to me.

Each tear holds a truth.

And my smile...it shows the love I feel and the blessings I have been granted.

I am blessed indeed.

Faith's Memorial...

Well, this is not your typical Father's Day type post, but this is what is most current, and on my mind at the moment.  The Father's Day post will follow.

Yesterday was a day that felt like it didn't truly belong to us.  I didn't WANT it to belong to us.
Yesterday was the joint Memorial Service for baby loss families.  This is done through one of the funeral homes here in our city.  An amazing, and selfless gift that they provide to hurting families who have to face the loss of a child...no matter what stage of pregnancy or reason for the loss.  I am forever grateful that this funeral home has gone above and beyond and cared for SO many babies who may otherwise never get a chance at a "decent" burial or place for families to come to and KNOW where their child/ren have been cared for.

I never knew about this service that is provided.  After we lost our first babies I was haunted for YEARS wondering what I had done, just aimlessly leaving the hospital after my D&C, and not asking what happens to our babies from there. 
I always had this horrid fear that they were just tossed aside as medical waste.
I didn't know.
I didn't know that this funeral home is contacted to come and collect the remains of babies, and this funeral home lovingly (without financial cost to the family or mother) cremates the remains, provides each their own cremation capsule, and then buries them with other babies lost too soon.

Is there ever TRUE comfort after losing a child? 

No, I honestly don't feel there is ever a "comfort" so to speak.  Your heart aches for the rest of your life...no matter how much I know my children are more alive today in heaven than here on earth...my mommy heart aches, and I miss all of my babies.

However...when I finally learned of this service provided by the funeral home, and then the Memorial Service they do for families to join together...I felt...relief.

I didn't just walk away from that hospital and walk away from all that remained of my babies.

And now I know.  And I will advocate for as long as I have breath for all families going through loss. 
And for those who work in the medical field who deal with the intimate and painful experience of a patient losing a baby...PLEASE...learn about this loving option for families.  PLEASE!  Don't let them wonder like I was left to wonder!  Don't let them carry the guilt of just walking away after their child is taken from their body, and not knowing the loving care they can be (and are, even without knowledge as in my case after our first miscarriage) given.
All that has to be said is "contact the Saskatoon Funeral Home" and make sure they pick up my baby's remains. 
That is all I had to do when I was waiting for that dreaded D&C with Faith. 

Know that you can have a place for your baby, and a place to visit.

I know everyone is so different and deals with loss in different ways...but it still means the world to me to have Zac's gravesite to visit, and now know with certainty that the remains of Jadon, Ethan, Jack and now Faith have a "place" here on earth.


Yesterday did cause me to have to face something I wondered when would be the "right" time to share with Evan.
If you remember...Evan was with me in the ultra sound room the day I learned Faith's heart had stopped beating.  He saw the tears.  He saw the grief.  But all I told him was that mommy was sad because an angel had to leave her, and I missed her.
He never knew he was going to be a big brother.

He loves to hold my family chain pendant, the one that holds each of our 6 children's birthstones.  He loves the colors, and always says how beautiful it is.
He has never known what the stones stood for.

But because Evan is so intuitive and so sensitive, I knew he would need an explanation for the service we would be attending.  It was time he knew.  It was time to share what an incredibly unique brother he is.

Of course he knows of Zac.  We have Zac's picture in his room beside Evan's picture.  He has seen the 3D ultra sound picture I had of the boys before our nightmare began.  He comes to the cemetery to release a balloon and blow a kiss every birthday, and every night during prayers we remind God to give Zac a hug and kiss for us and tell him we love him.

He knows he is a twin. 

What he hasn't known is that he is a little brother to our triplet angels, Jadon, Ethan and Jack.
Yes, he knows he is a twin brother to Zac.
No, he did not know until yesterday that he is a big brother to our recent angel, Faith.

Now he knows. 

He is still innocent enough where the knowledge is not weighing on his mind.  But now...it's all there.  It's all in the open.  All of our children have been shared with him.  And though it breaks my heart into a million pieces that on this earth he will never know his brothers and sister...at least now he knows. 

When I first told him why we were going to this service I explained "mommy had a baby in her tummy, but she got sick, and now she lives with Jesus and Zac in heaven", his face LIT right up and he was so excited and said "WHAT BABY mommy!!  OUR baby?!"  He was so excited about a baby in my tummy.
It stabbed me to have to say "no buddy, there WAS a baby in my tummy.  But she isn't there anymore."
So he said "so we are going to go meet her at the service?"
And I said, "no bud, we are going to remember her.  But we won't be able to see her.  We will let a balloon go for her like we do for Zac, and then we will go visit her special place like we do for Zac.  But we won't actually see her.  We have to wait for heaven for that."

As I type this replay, I am angry.  I am so so so so angry.  I am so tired of our babies leaving us.  And I just don't get it.  I don't understand.  And even though day to day I have found "peace"...I am still angry to have to constantly have to say good bye.
And angry that Evan even has to know what all of this means too. 
Especially since he will very likely be an only child.  At least that how I see it.  I don't see another miracle in the future for us.  I just don't.  Not right now.  And if there is...I will be grateful and humbled...but right now, after so much loss and heart ache and after so many prayers for healing and saving our babies only to lose them over and over...it's hard to believe why now.  Why would we expect or allow ourselves to hope for another miracle...no matter how badly we would love that to happen.
It's too hard, and too scary to hope right now.  And I won't apologize for that. 

The service was BEAUTIFULLY put together.  It was beyond precious. 
And to be gathered with so many grieving parents/families...those who truly understand and just want a chance to remember and honour our babies in the safety of non-judgement...it was amazing. 

The tears flowed.  I couldn't stop them.  Why would I even try?
They are real.  The scars run deep. 
Yes, time changes them...but never erases them. 

After the service we each received a balloon to release in remembrance. 
We went outside of the funeral home, and beautiful music played as each family gathered, tears flowing, looking up to the sky as the balloons drifted away.
Treasured.  Beautiful. 

And then we gathered at the cemetery (oh, did I mention there have been INSANE down-pouring rain storms the past few days...) to see the memorial inscriptions of our children placed with so many others lost. 

For me, it was especially touching to see Ethan, Jack and Jadon's names above Faith's.  To SEE their names.  To now know that this sacred ground is where their remains were cared for and placed.  After almost 6 years of not knowing.  I now know.

Still, the day did not seem real. 
It didn't seem like it was meant for us.

We are just weeks away from what should have been Faith's DUE DATE, not standing there seeing her name on a memorial wall after her burial.  I found out her remains were finally laid to rest on June 13th. 

It all seemed so senseless and wrong.  And like a really bad dream.

Yet, as it sunk in...I am at least grateful for the fact that I know 4 of our 5 angels are "together".  That I KNOW that ALL 5 of our angels are running together in heaven. 

It touched my heart to know that they are remembered by others who read the inscriptions on those memorial stones, as I have done with so many of the other names there with my children. 
They will never be forgotten. 
Ever.
Not only are they written on the palm of God's hand...but they are forever inscribed in stone, and in my heart.

There was a song played during the service, and the balloon release.  I don't know the artist that sings it, but I want to include the words of that song now because they just wrapped around my heart...

In my dreams, you are alive and well

Precious child, precious child.

In my mind, I see you clear as a bell

Precious child, precious child.

In my soul, there is a hoe

That can never be filled

But in my heart, there is hope

'Cause you are with me still.

 

In my heart, you live on

Always there never gone.

Precious child, you left too soon

Tho' it may be true that we're apart

You will live forever...in my heart.

 

In my plans, I was the first to leave

Precious child, precious child.

But in this world, I was left here to grieve

Precious child, precious child.

 

In my soul, there is a hole

That can never be filled

But in my heart there is a hope

And you are with me still.

 

In my heart you live on

Always there, never gone

Precious child, you left too soon,

Tho' it may be true that we're apart

You will live forever...in my heart.

 

God knows I want to hold you,

See you, touch you

And maybe there's a heaven

And someday I will again

Please know you are not forgotten until then.

 

In my heart you live on

Always there never gone

Precious child, you left too soon

Tho' it may be true that we're apart

You will live forever...in my heart.

 

 

Always and forever, my sweet babies...you are with me!!  I love you all!  Ethan, Jack, Jadon, Zac and Faith!!  We love you, and we are so proud of you all!!  xoxoxoxoxoxo

 

 

Fly high

Evan with his balloon to release

Heading to the cemetery

The memorial stone that now have Jack, Ethan, Jadon and Faith's inscriptions