I am still confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the Lord
Psalm 27: 13-14

Thursday, August 11, 2011

It may seem like no big deal to some...but to ME.......

After we lost our first twins, I couldn't stand seeing the two-seater grocery carts, the kids grocery carts with the double car front...and especially the Costco shopping cart.  It broke me because after losing Whisper, then Jack and Ethan...those seats would always be empty.

Then when we found out we were expecting Zac and Evan...I felt so excited (after a long while of dealing with fear of course) to think that my boys would sit side by side in those carts, or would be tooting the horns on the car front shopping carts...and yes...especially that Costco shopping cart.

Crazy the things that we look forward to.  
Heart breaking the things that never come to be.

HOWEVER...today was a HUGE milestone for ME personally!  Today at the grocery store that has the shopping cart with the ride in front double car with toy steering wheels...Evan saw it, and just HAD to ride in it.  What a strange moment of emotions came over me!  Yet...to him, it's new and it's entertaining when you have to be dragged around for groceries!  So...after I did a major sanitizing of both (disgustingly) dirty steering wheels, he was in and we were off.  

I DID IT!!!!!!!  
I made it through with laughing along with him and swallowing back the misty eyes that wanted to drip with tears.  I didn't allow my heart ache to interfere with his joy and excitement...and I felt so darn proud of myself.
Yes...it stung.  It will always sting not hearing Evan and Zac "driving" together.  But I focused on Evan and watching him explore this new ride and the moment.
And even though Zac may not have been right there in the cart with Evan...he was with us.  Giggling and laughing as he watched his brother.  Cheering me on with his hand on my heart, letting me know he is okay...and it's okay to experience these moments with Evan without feeling guilt or sadness.

I did it...


  1. i get it. i'm glad to hear it can get better. when i see twins i still get so sad...and when we go back for our frozen embryos, i am terrified of getting pregnant with both only because i think i would spend the entire pregnancy in fear. hugs!

  2. "Cheering me on with his hand on my heart"....that was so beautifully expressed Heather. Absolutely cheering you on here too. I know in part how huge these milestones are. I smiled at twins in their pram not so long ago, cooing and making funny faces and I seriously felt like I deserved an applause. Only God knew how hard that was for me. And He does for you too and is well pleased with YOU, His perfect and beautiful child.♥♥

  3. I'm glad you made it thru another milestone!