I am still confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the Lord
Psalm 27: 13-14

Monday, March 18, 2013

March 9th...party day on earth and in heaven...

Birthday Day...for both of my boys...

Who ever thinks that they will celebrate their sons in such opposite meaningful ways in one day?

March 9th.

We threw Evan's 4th bithday party on March 9th.

But we began the day with celebrating, just the three of us, Zac's 4th Angelversary Day.

March 9th, four years ago...we said "see you in heaven" to our sweet Zac, our first born son, Evan's twin brother.

We started the day with heading out to the cemetery to release four balloons to heaven for Zac.

Evan releasing his balloons
It's strange how one can find a way to smile and find a strange sense of joy in such an act.  But there is something about at least being able to watch those balloons rise up to the skies, and just for a moment, pretend that Zac will reach out and grab them, or at least see them from heaven.

But the moment was precious, and cherished.

We then headed home where I started prepping and doing a mad-dash cleaning before our guests began to arrive.  The night before cleaning is useless to me in some respects, having 2 dogs, lots of snow and wet paws that enter the house.  So some stuff just has to be left.

The day was loud.  The day was full of 6 excited and lively children.

The biggest hit...the pinata! 

But as with every birthday comes that forever bitter-sweet ache in my heart. 
To watch my sweet Evan celebrating, being celebrated and enjoying his day...fills my heart with joy.
And in the same breath...feeling the ache of the spot missing beside him...the spot where Zac should be.  That silent ache that stays hidden in my heart, that stays masked behind the smile (don't get me wrong...the smile is truly genuine!)
But those are the emotions of a parent who has lost a child.  Especially on a birthday where your twin sons can not be celebrating together as they should have been.

I know it is more for my heart and my determination to have Zac a part of party days, but as usual, I made two birthday cakes.  One for Evan, and one for Zac.

This mommy heart just can't do one cake without the other.  It brings me joy and a bit of healing each birthday.  And maybe one day when Evan is older it will end...at least at parties, but for now while these parties consist mainly of family and close friends...I will continue.  And one day those cakes will be a private time for our family alone.
But...right now...I just can't end this tradition I have begun.
Though our sons may not sit side-by-side for birthday photos, and open gifts together, and we may not hear "Happy Birthday dear Evan and Zac..." when singing is going on...my sons will always be in my heart together on their birthday.  And each March 9th, Zac's Angelversary, will be a special time for our little family.
I am blessed by the lives of our children, though 5 will never celebrate birthdays here on this earth...we will celebrate one day together in heaven ALL of our children!
But this March 9th was filled with love, joy, gratitude, thankfulness and peace.
And it was pure heaven to watch Evan just so excited and having so much fun, and knowing we were celebrating his miraculous life here with us.  And I am so grateful.  So very, very grateful!
Mommy loves you my "little" boy!! xoxoxo
Happy 4th Birthday my boy!! xoxo

Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Happy Birthday!!

At 10:50pm and 10:51pm on March 6, 2009...two looooooooong awaited precious little miracles dramatically entered this world 12 weeks early.
That's you and your brother, buddy.
I can not believe 4 years have gone by. 
At bed time daddy asked if you were excited to be 4.
And hearing that made me realize...this was your last night as my 3 year old!  And suddenly, tears welled up in my eyes. 
So, we snuggled in bed a little longer.  We did our letters in the sky a little longer.  We laughed a bit louder.  We chatted a bit more than usual.  And we fell asleep side by side.
And when I woke to come back out to finish getting things tidied, my heart just swelled.
I watched you a bit longer as you slept peacefully.
I went back in time in my mind from your and Zac's quick entry in to this world.
And each day, week, month and year that has followed.
Yes, my heart aches with missing your brother, and wondering.  Wondering who he would have been.  Wondering about his personality.  Wondering how life would have been with the two of you growing together, and celebrating another birthday side by side.
Yet, you fill my heart with such unspeakable joy.  I can not even put my feelings in to the right words.  You have brought your daddy and I such joy, such healing, such love...and we just cherish every single second we are blessed together with you!
I know your brother, and each of your 4 other siblings in heaven are watching over you, and us.  I know they want us all to be happy.  I know they are smiling down on us.  And that warms my heart as well.
You have grown up so much this past year.  It is incredible!  Your vocabulary, your speech, your thought process, your personality...your sweet sweet sweet little heart...just keeps growing and exploding.
Listening to you when we are talking together just blows me away.  And makes me feel so proud of you, and of the job daddy and I are doing.  We want the very best for you.  And we want you to be your very best.  To love others, to show fairness and compassion.  To grow in wisdom and determination.  To be surrounded by those who will build you up to be the man God desires for you, and who we desire you to be. 
We've had more milestones this year.  No more NICU follow ups for you!  You are all graduated.
You are almost done Wee College, and your independence and confidence just keep growing!
I enrolled you for Preschool in the fall!!!
AND you are enrolled for soccer!
You LOVE playing Xbox Star Wars Leggo with daddy.  And watching the two of you having fun and watching you play this game the way you do...it's bizarre!   So much "one of the guys". 
You are getting good at writing your name and working on all the letters.  You love to use your imagination.
Today when I picked you up from Wee College I watched as you were finishing up with your class.  You couldn't see me.  And I watched you at your table finishing your craft, then going to your mat before being dismissed.  Watching you raise your hand to answer a question.  And then when you turned and saw me in the window...the way your face lit up.  I don't ever want that to change.  I don't ever want you to lose that light in your face! 
I just felt my heart swell to the point of exploding.  I saw my little wonder, my 2lb little wonder in his isolette, now in preschool.  And my heart could barely contain all my emotion.
Every day is a new adventure.
Every day is a treasured gift.
You are a blessing we never thought we would ever know.
And Every. Single. Day...I am so very thankful.  So very thankful for the gift of you in my life.
And every single day I thank God for blessing you and your life.  For blessing me and daddy with the honour of raising you.
Yesterday I was watching you playing and suddenly I found myself texting daddy and thanking him for all of his hard work so that I have the treasure and honour of being able to stay home and raise you.
I could not stand a minute apart from you.  And I feel so blessed in being able to be a part of your daily life, and raising you.  It is my greatest joy!
It is 1:26am on the 6th.  Your birthday day.  And...I can't wait for you to wake up so we can start your birthday day together!!  I can't wait to wrap you in a big birthday hug!!!
Tonight we will have a birthday supper with the Grandparents.  And on Saturday is your birthday party!  You've been so excited about it!  Your Angry Bird themed party!  And I can't wait to get it ready!
Oh my sweet Evan...you are my heart and soul.  And though this day brings a bitter-sweet tug on mommy's heart, I am so looking forward to celebrating you and Zac! 
I don't think I will ever be able to truly voice how very much I love you, and how proud I am of you!!
Happy Birthday my boy!!!!!!!!