I am still confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the Lord
Psalm 27: 13-14

Thursday, December 29, 2011

Christmas morning...and stitches to boot!

I couldn't ask for a more priceless, precious gift!

My sweet boy Tag.  Having some fun of his own :)

Ever tried to get a nice picture with two silly dogs?!

Evan in his Santa jammies

Hungry Hippo here we come!!

Completing our "sports center"

Our "excitement" from last night.  Huge gash...

and 4 stitches later!  Oh my heart!

Well Christmas was full of fun, family and excitement.

Brett, Evan and I all slept in until almost 11am, which in itself was a nice gift!  And then it was time to open the mound of gifts that "Santa" left under the tree!  So much fun watching Evan and his little face light up. 
Then it was off for dinner one of two!  Off to Brett's parents to enjoy our first turkey dinner!  It's hard to pace yourself when it all tastes so yummy, but you know that within hours you are going to be gearing up for turkey dinner number two!  And that's what happened that same evening :)  YUMMMM!

Evan had so much fun with all his cousins.  And it was definitely fun to spend time with both sides of the family!

Then the "excitement" of last night!  Evan had run in to his bedroom, and moments later I heard "the cry" and started to head to him, only to see him racing to me holding his head with blood gushing from his forehead!  I just instantly scooped him up and started to go in to panic mode.  Thank goodness for my level-headed, calm (good poker face daddy!) husband!!  He moved my hand and said "we need to go the the ER now".  So I wrapped Evan up in his blanket...no boots or jacket (he was in the process of getting ready for bed!).  Just bundled him in his jacket with a compress on his head and held him to the hospital.  When we got to ER admitting the nurse came and asked what happened and I told her he cut his forehead open...and then she moved the compress.  I hadn't actually seen HOW bad the gash was...and when I saw it I just started to shake and cry.  It was NASTY!
She dug out Evan's health card from my purse as I couldn't move my hands from Evan and told me to go straight to little peds ER and she would bring the card to me.
The doctor came and said it wasn't as bad as I thought it was.  Ummmmmmmmm...when you can see that far in to a kids layers of skin...that's bad for a mommy!
He put on numbing cream on the gash and then gave Evan a mild sedative in apple juice. 
Brett had to keep reminding me (lovingly of course!) to "keep it together".  And seriously...Evan was SO brave!!!!! 
The sedative was actually kinda funny!  Evan was all goofy but in a "drunk" kind of way...and he would NOT stop chatting!  He chatted up a storm with every nurse and the doctor and us.  One actually couldn't help but giggle.
When they did the stitches Brett held Evan's head still, the nurse held Evan's one hand and I had my head on his chest and held his other hand.  All Evan cared about was the string he could keep seeing as the doctor stitched.  He was just so intrigued by that stitch.
Then Evan and I talked about the nurses stethascope and how it was just like Dr. Wonko's (Evan's neonatologist), and the doctor asked how we knew Neil (Dr. Wonko) so I explained that Evan and his twin brother Zac were born at 28 weeks, and Dr. Wonko was one of Evan's doctors and who does his follow ups.  I then also explained how I must have seemed like an irrational basket case mother for being such a mess...but after spending so many months in the hospital...we have seen enough of the inside of that place.

Anyhow, after the stitches were done (Evan didn't even flinch the whole time!) the nurse gave him a blue popsicle.  Again...like watching a little drunk person trying to lick a cold popsicle but not totally "with it" to realize his mouth was cold!  He ate it all the way home.  Lets just say I have one winter jacket to wash now, and his face around his mouth is still blue from the dye!
When we got home he kept begging for another popsicle.  Thank goodness I had freezies!  And then I took him to bed with me and we watched one of his movies before he finally caved and went to sleep.
He was up once in the night, but I think he had bonked his stitches.
And today he is back to his old self and trying to do summersaults!  And here I am chasing after him making him be still!  Fortunately he caved for a nap this afternoon and is still sleeping.

I know that this is likely the first of many scrapes, cuts, bumps, etc...but I am praying against any more episodes of racing to the ER for stitches, and praying for his little bones to be made of steel so he never faces a broken bone!  I don't know how much my heart could take of watching him go through these things.

It's hard enough knowing he still has another hernia repair on the horizon.  His first was one week after he came home.  And he has had this belly button hernia since as well, but that one they don't repair until they are 4 or 5...something like that.  But just KNOWING that he will face another surgery and I will hand him off to someone once again as he is taken to the OR...makes me sick to my stomach.  HOWEVER, that is still a bit down the road so no sence in panicking about it now!

All in all it has been a  good holiday.
I was able to "sneak" out by myself on Christmas day as well to just go and sit and have a visit at the cemetery and talk with my Zac and my Ethan, Jack and Whisper.  And that meant a lot to me too.  It was quite a nice day so I was able to take my little fold up chair and sit and journal as well. 


Being with family is so important...and that includes my angels.  All my family! :)

Monday, December 26, 2011

From an innocent, tender-loving six year old heart...

On Christmas Eve my family was over at our house.
Before most arrived, I was in the kitchen getting stuff ready and my precious 6 year old nephew came and kept me some company.  He looked at a snow-globe that I have with one side a picture of Zac and the other a picture of Evan.  He asked if the picture of Zac was when he died, and I told him no, that was just before while we got to spend time with him.  And then he said something that touched my heart to tears...

Finley:  "Auntie Heather, remember when we let go of all those balloons for Zac last year?"
Me:  "Sure do buddy!  I'm going to do it again this year!  And you are more than welcome to come again!"
Finley:  "I think those balloons are going to land on your house, and in them are going to be letters from God about Zac and letters from Zac too!"
Me:  "Finley, I think that is the best idea ever!  And I love that!  Thank you!"

And then off he went to play with the other kids.

Knock the wind right out of me.  You have to understand...my nephew gets what happened with Zac.  He knows about his cousin thanks to his precious mommy and daddy.  My sister-in-law always mentions Zac's name to the kids...and it is pure music to my ears and to my heart to know she isn't uncomfortable and trying to "hush" my son.  She feels him as much as our family as I do...and I adore her to no end for that.  She has no idea how very very much I love her for that.  And I love that my nephew sees Zac's picture and says "Hey!  That's Zac!"  I love it.  And I'm greatful.

It took everything in me not to shed some tears in front of him after he shared such a precious thought...but the smile that came to my face at such an innocent idea, and such a precious image of that very thing...it took over.  I just smile when I think of that thought!

A very precious gift to me indeed!

Saturday, December 24, 2011

Christmas Time...

My little drummer boy

Zac and Evan's Christmas tree ornaments

Zac, Ethan, Jack, Whisper and Evan's stockings

Christmas time again.  
It has been just over three years that we found out we lost Jack and Ethan.  Weeks before Christmas.
This is our second Christmas without Zac beside his twin brother.
And the ache will always remain.  How could it not?!  Four of our five children will not be opening presents or sneaking through their stockings.  They are not here for family gatherings or pictures with Santa.  

But...they ARE here.  They are here because we carry them in our hearts and memories.  They are here because we love them.  They are here because we are not afraid to allow them to remain a part of our Christmas traditions we are creating.  They will always be here with us.  And one day we will be with them singing heavenly Christmas carols and praising and rejoicing in gift given through the birth of Jesus.  We will be together again because a precious baby boy entered this world to grow up among us and walk among us...and to represent himself to and through us.  
How greatful I am for that gift.  How honored I am that through His life I am given eternal life with Him and with all our children and all His children.

I will say that this season hasn't been filled with JUST the ache of our missing children.  It has been another new year of experiences and memories and laughter and learning and humble gratitude of the gift of our own son...our precious Evan.
This little boy...growing so quickly it takes my breath away...is more gift than I could ever ask for.
We have been having so much fun with new adventures.  Our latest...Evan helping me with my shortbread cookies.  He was my official "sprinkle helper".  Yes...mounds of sprinkles ended up on each cookie...but what a precious memory.

Then tonight I called our home line from my cell and got Evan to answer it.  I started laughing in the "ho ho ho" Santa laugh...as deep as I could get my voice to go.  And I spent a good 5 minutes talking to Evan from my closet and watching him as he was talking "to" Santa and telling him all sorts of things.  It was HILARIOUS!

My little boy is growing so fast.  And all I want to do is cling to every single moment with all I have.  I don't want to miss a second.  I don't want to blink...because it just goes so fast!

He is my treasure.  My joy.  My smile.  My laughter.  He is my heart and my soul.
I have so many hopes, dreams and prayers for him and his life.  I see the strength he possesses, the wisdom he carries, the determination and strong-will nature he holds.  His goofy personality that loves to laugh and make others laugh.  And I just pray that he will always know how much I love him.  How proud I am of him.  How much I pray that his strength never feels defeat.  That his wisdom never wavers.  That his determination and strong-willed nature will never take a beating.  That he will never forget to laugh.  That life will never take that from him.  And that he will always encourage those around him to laugh as well.  That he will be a leader with a kind and gentle heart.  That he will be accepting without compromising his beliefs and faith.

These are the gifts I pray for him this Christmas season.  The gifts that can't be wrapped and taped.  The gifts that truly count and matter.

He is my gift.  All my children are such a blessing and such a gift to me!  So when I am asked what I've asked Brett to get me for Christmas...what could I possibly want that could fill me the way the gift of our children have filled me!  
And for the gift of that precious baby Jesus...who carries us through our lives!

Praying for Christmas blessings, and for a New Year filled with only the love and joy and support He can provide!

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Give Me Faith...

Give Me Faith
(For The Honor - Elevation Worship)


I need You to soften my heart
To break me apart
I need You to open my eyes
To see that You're shaping my life

All I am, I surrender

Give me faith to trust what You say
That You're good and Your love is great
I'm broken inside, I give You my life

I need You to soften my heart
To break me apart
I need You to pierce through the dark
And cleanse every part of me

I may be weak
But Your Spirit's strong in me
My flesh may fail
But my God, You never will


If you ever have the chance to pick up this CD...DO IT!  It's great.  This song is one that I listen to over and over...and every time it brings me to tears.  Speaks to my very core.

I am so thankful for music, and the way God ministers through it!  I'm thankful for a God that loves, and for a God who brings comfort and peace and compassion.

I'm thankful for a God who never fails.  And who always has time to wrap His arms around me!

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Four years ago today...

My one belly pic with our identical twins...I was just over 8 weeks here :)
Our first ultrasound just under 7 weeks.  The second empty sac is where Whisper was...


It has been four years.  Four years ago this morning that we were told the most painful news to that point of our lives.  Our identical twins were no longer living.  We would never again see the flickers of their hearts on an ultrasound.  We would never see their movements.  We would never know who they were to become.  We would never meet them on this earth, or hold them in our arms.  Never count those 20 identical fingers and toes.  Never be "tricked" by clothing swaps and silliness.
Four years...and it feels like yesterday.  Does time REALLY pass this fast?! 

And yet...no one remembered.  Not as a cruelty to me, not as an unkind or uncaring way.  I know that.  But I remember.  I'm sure their are a select few who remember along with me...and for that I am truly touched.  But it goes to show how once someone has left this earth...unless they have been a part of lives for more than just weeks, or months...or even brief years...often their names are rarely spoken.  And that is tough.  Tough when all you want to do is have them remembered.  I know they are tucked in hearts and minds.  But I wish I knew why it was so "taboo" to speak of those gone far too soon.  It's like for many of us who have suffered miscarriage, chemical or eptopic pregnancies, stillbirth, and infant death...the names of our cherished children are barely whispered.

I have been blessed.  With heavenly and a surviving earthly child.  But I can't help but smile at the thought, had life turned out a bit more kind and all our children had survived.  We would have a set of triplets (yes, our identical twins had a fraternal triplet for a brief time...which is why we name this little one "whisper") and our fraternal twins, Zac and Evan...had Zac survived past his short 3 days.
Our house would have been pure chaos!  And as much as I know I'm sure I would have whispered words of exhaustion and insanity...I would have cherished every single second of our chaotic "multiples" life!  Yet, I still do.  I still "parent" our 4 heavenly angels.  I still think of them and whisper words of love.  I still dream...not obsess about that which I can never change, but dream of what it all could have been like.

Yes, I am blessed.  And I have the security, faith and promise that one day, I too shall cross through heavens gates...and one day, I will have that chaotic house full of multiples chaos.  I will meet our first three angels.  I will, for the first time ever, be able to hold them in my arms.  I will get to embrace Zac once again.  When our lives have passed from this earth...my five children will surround Brett and I, and we will know all that we have had to wait for.

An old friend of mine was so loving and kind as to send this following quote to me today.  She felt it fit well on a milestone day like today...and I cherish her for lovingly sending it to me.  

I love this quote from Dietrich Bonhoeffer and it seems to fit so well for you today...  "Nothing can fill the gap when we are away from those we love, and it would be wrong to try and find anything. We must simply hold out and win through. That sounds hard at first, but at the same time, a great consolation since leaving the gap unfilled preserves the bond between us. It is nonsense to say that God fills the gap; He does not fill it but keeps it empty so that our communion with another may be kept alive, even at the cost of pain."

I love that quote.  And it does fit.  It fits so well.  And I am forever thankful for these words.

On Facebook I follow a group called Jesus Daily, and this was todays post:

"Carry me through today, Lord, With gentle wings from above! Carry me through today, Lord, Let me feel your love! I shall not worry about tomorrow, Yesterday is gone. Just carry me through today, Lord, That's where I belong! Through all my trials and troubles, I know that you are there, Sometimes it's hard to see You, Through each tear and care. Carry me through today, Lord, Don't let me slip away. Tomorrow may be taken from me, So carry me through today! Amen."

Again, so very fitting for me today.  

Sadness and tears do not equal lack of faith or weakness.  It shows that we are human, and that we feel emotion as God created us to!  He wept.  If He can weep...why shouldn't we?!  Why should we lower our heads in shame.  Why should we quickly wipe away the tears that may fall for fear that someone may see us?  If someone sees us...my word...they should be able to offer a smile of comfort, an arm of compassion.  If we see someone shedding a tear, or we know that the smile on their face is only an attempt to protect the pain in their eyes...shame on us if we don't do something to let that person know that we care...and that we hurt too.  We are all human.  And we should be able to extend a hand of compassion.  
I know I try to quickly wipe away my tears.  I duck my head.  I hide behind the "mastered smile" of being okay.  And I too need to allow others "in" and allow them to extend that hand of compassion that I often need...even though I pretend like I'm strong enough on my own.

Anyhow...I appreciated these quotes today on such a painful marker day.  The day we were looked at with pity and sympathy and were told "I am so very sorry..."

And though my heart will always ache, and tears will always fall for all my heavenly angels...I could not rejoice more in the knowledge that our time together was not a finality...it was only the begin of eternity!  Because God allowed His only son as on offering to free me from my sins, and to a life of eternity...I am filled with hope and awe and...joy.

Until our lives are rejoined once more and never again to part...I love you all my sweet angels!

xoxoxo

Monday, November 21, 2011

Evan's singing debut!!

video

I just had to share this video.  It cracks me up!!  Evan adores hockey.  Seriously!
At bed time we read prayer books, say prayers, but we also read Hockey Night In Canada...which is the song in book form.  Well, one part Brett and I sing to Evan, but now Evan takes charge.  The "Oh the good ol' hockey game, is the best game you can name.  And the best name you can name, is the good ol' hockey game."  He goes crazy singing it and bouncing all over his bed.  You'd never imagine that seconds after all this action he is crashed, asleep in bed!

He is the light of my life!!

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Halloween Adventures and other things...

Our little Spiderman


Love that my little man liked the Corn Snake! I love snakes!


First pony ride...and LOVED it!! 

Forever hockey-mania in our house!  We ALL have to wear our jerseys...me included!

Light Saber fights.  Daddy's was home made...until mommy bought him his own!

My "baby's" room is all little boy now!!  WHAT HAPPENED!

LOVE snuggling on Evan's bed to read bedtime stories!!

First snow day...and we had a BLAST!

Helping mommy out!

First sled ride of the year!



Halloween was hilarious!  Evan got right in to the whole trick or teating experience!  By the second house he had it CASED!  We got to the end of the drive way and he looked at us and said "lets do ANOTHER house!"  He said that for quite a few!  But we kept it minimal as he isn't the hugest sugar fan...and WE certainly do NOT need it in our house to temp mommy and daddy!

After hitting up a few houses, we went to our church where there was a kids event put on by the Children's ministry.  It was GREAT!!  Evan pet his first snake...which I adored because I LOVE snakes!  Yes...snakes, lizards, reptiles...love em!  And then I took a turn with the snake.
Then Evan had his first pony ride and ADORED it!  He cried when we took him off!  And I'm excited that he enjoyed the pony, because I ADORE horses, and hopefully we can do more of this together when he is a bit older!

So the night was fun!

Last weekend we put up Evan's new bed too.  It is so wierd going in to his room and seeing it all "big boy" now!!!  No signs of my baby!  WHAT HAPPENED!  And where has the time gone!! 
But does he ever love his new bed!  He is so proud of himself, and has been sleeping even better than ever!  And I LOVE snuggling up beside him at bed time to read our stories, and then we lay there giggling before I tuck him in and he is off to sleep! 

Seriously, he is my heart and joy!  He gives me reason to smile and laugh and believe.  Watching him growing up and becoming this amazing little boy just melts my heart.  I am a very proud momma.

I don't have much time to update or go in to depth today...but I don't want to lose touch.
I will get in to another post soon!

Prayers of peace and health to you all!

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Focus

I lose focus easily.  I can admit that.  Not the day to day task focus (although that I call just pure procrastination!), but the focus on WHO is in control of the fine details of my life that I can NOT control.
I get caught up in wanting to be able to "take charge" and "fix things"...when it's just not possible.  I can not control certain aspects of my life.
And when I can't...I feel that all too familiar struggle with anxiety and worry and "what if".  And it STINKS!  I hate that feeling...because it can become paralyzing some times. 
And no matter how much I verbally tell myself "I am not in control, let it go"...I just don't want to I guess.  My head and logic know what I need to do...but my body and my emotions just seem to get the upper hand.
Life can get so complicated.  I know WHO is in control.  I know that God is working out the details.  I know He wants and needs me to just trust Him and LET GO.  But why is it so hard?  Why do I think that I could ever possibly do a better job?!  I really don't think so!
And life without God in control would be HORRIBLE!  I could never do it.  Knowing He is there, and that He loves me with a love like no other...I don't know...even when I'm trying to control situations in my life...I know that it is God that will ultimately sort it out and get us through.

So these past few days the music has been pumping again, and touching me in ways that I need.  The tears have been flowing, and the battle inside of me going strong...but at peace when I listen to these beautiful songs and lyrics...knowing they are more than just words.

I love the CD "Be Lifted High - Live worship from Bethel Church".  A definite recommend!!
The past couple days my daily "mantra" song has been God I Look To You.  So as usual, I am going to type out the lyrics.  HOWEVER...if you go to youtube and search God I Look To You Bethel Church...you can hear the song for yourself.  It is beautiful!

GOD I LOOK TO YOU

God I look to You,
I won't be overwhelmed
Give me vision to see things like You do
God I look to You,
You're where my help comes from
Give me wisdom, You know just what to do

I will love You Lord my strength
I will love You Lord my shield
I will love You Lord my rock
Forever all my days, I will love You God

Hallelujah our God reigns
Hallelujah our God reigns
Hallelujah our God reigns
Forever all my days Hallelujah


I really recommend going to youtube and listening to it!

I have also begun reading and working on the book The Resolution for Women.  If you have or haven't heard of the movie "Courageous"...it's branched from that, and the resolution for men.  This one is for women.   And I've only gotten through the first chapter...and already it is forcing some SERIOUS inward looking.  And that is the point of this "project".  Not pointing fingers at others and accusing their actions for my behaviours, and really facing some tough self evaluations.  In the preface of the book it was recommended to let those around you (especially family)  know what you are doing, as a means to be accountable...and even to do it WITH other women.  I haven't.  Right now I need to really just work through some things...and I truly believe that this book will be a great stepping stone.
I will also be starting to go through the study "Brave" once it arrives.  And hopefully from there I would actually like to get other women involved in it. 
I am realizing that I need that support system.  I need those who will willingly and openly pray for me, and those who will help me stay accountable and encouraged.  As I hope I can do for others too!  I don't want to be just about "my" needs...I want, and have always wanted, to be there for others too. 
So as I journey through this book...I may comment from time to time about what I am learning, and how I am struggling.

So...my focus for today...trusting God's hand in my life...and step by step learning to let go. 
But my "easier" focus for today...allowing laughter and love to overwhelm the worry in my life, so that laughter overflows in to all that I do.  Hmmmm...maybe that's not any easier! :)

Blessings to you all!

Saturday, October 15, 2011

Wave of Light - Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day...

Began the day with a visit with my lil' angel

No matter the painful circumstance...with God, we are never alone

Remembering our angels - "Whisper", Jack and Ethan, and Zac

Jack and Ethan, our identical twins.  The second bottom sac is where Whisper began...




An amazing moon hanging over the cemetery where Zac "rests"


"I THANK MY GOD EVERY TIME I REMEMBER YOU..." - Phil 1:3

GOD SEES EVERY TEAR
No heart breaks alone,
for God is always near,
And when a prayer is whispered,
He's always there to hear...
When sorrow's overwhelming,
He comforts tenderly,
For not a single tear will fall,
that the Father doesn't see.


God Himself will be with them; he will wipe every tear from their eyes. - Revelations 21:3-4


Today was International Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.  At 7pm, in each time zone, candles were lit to remember the lives of the little ones far too many of us have had to endure losing.
I started my day event with a visit to Zac's grave.  I wrote him a note, left some fresh flowers and talked to him about all the things his brother is learning and doing.  I blew kisses to heaven for all our babies, and headed home.
Tonight, at 7pm, I lit my candles.  You see a bar of 7.  For my four angels, for my twin sisters Catherine and Michelle, and the 7th candle for all the angels playing in heaven with my babies.

Then as I was getting Evan ready for bed, I looked out the window and saw the biggest, most colorful moon hanging over the cemetery.  And it couldn't have been more fitting.  I wish I could have captured the true beauty and color and depth of that moon in my picture.  But, it was breath-taking!

Every day I remember my babies.  Every day is remembrance day.  But it is nice to know that there is an internationally recognized day for these sweet babies, regardless the stage of their growth or age.  We don't have to "hide" our losses.  We can "celebrate" together, all over the world, as baby-loss families.  We are not alone.

So tonight, I remember each angel, not only of my own, but those who have touched my lives through their stories through other moms who have had the courage and love to share their child's story.
I remember with you.  
Mommy loves you, Whisper, Jack, Ethan and Zac.  You are in every breath I take, and every beat of my heart!  You are always with me!

"God himself will be with them; he will wipe every tear from their eyes" - Revelations 21:3-4

You are not alone...and our children are NEVER forgotten!

Blessings to us all!

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Thanksgiving Frenzy...

Prepping my first ever Thanksgiving Turkey!! 



YUUUUUMMMMMMMMM!!! 

Self-explanatory!  More YUMMMM!

My pie frenzy to boot!  Cranberry-Apple, Pumpkin...and for my older brother...Chocolate Cream Pie!

Then, today, my first ever home made Turkey Pot Pie...WITH home made crust!!



Yes, Thanksgiving was busy this year!  I decided to host dinner for my family...and it was so fun!  I did recruite my sister-in-law too who brought some yummy dishes as well!!!  But I did my FIRST EVER turkey...stuffing and all!!  The house smelled glorious...and I was surprisingly organized and had everything well timed...until I realize I still hadn't gotten MYSELF ready!!  

It was fun to be able to give my mom a year off!  Fun to have my house filled with everyone.  And Evan had a RIOT with his cousins!  

I have so very much to be thankful for.  A wonderful, supportive husband...my best friend and rock.  A wonderful home.  Clothing.  A vehicle.  Food to eat.  Family who have walked through not only the best of days, but our darkest days...and love me still!  And precious Evan...a miracle I witness every day!  And the blessing of being able to stay home and raise our son every day!  A true, true blessing indeed!  

Yes...holidays always hold that added sting wishing Zac was beside Evan celebrating in the fun.  Missing Zac, missing Ethan, Jack and Whisper too.  Four settings that will forever be missing from the kitchen table.  Four faces that will never be in family photo albums.  
It's hard not to have the sting of sadness.
Yet...I am still so very thankful for each of those four precious lives.  Whisper, our singleton triplet...who we never even got to see a heart beat...gone far too soon.  Jack and Ethan, our identical twins, and Whisper's siblings...who we were blessed to see their precious heart beats and flutters on our 6 week ultra sound...but then the agony of not seeing them again.  Zac...for the 28 weeks he grew inside me beside his brother.  For all the scans where I got to "see" him.  For all the NST tests where I got to hear his precious hiccups.  For every kick and push and roll inside me.  And then for the brief moments of holding him on my chest, in my arms...while he fought to have some snuggle time with us before reaching for God's hand and entering heavens gates.
Yes...each loss has left a deep scar, and a sadness that has a place inside.  Yet...I am still greatful for those scars.  Because without those scars...there would be no little ones waiting for us in heaven. 
I thank God for the moments I have had with each of our heavenly babes.

And I thank God for the gift of Evan...I wonder, a miracle, a blessing...our pure joy!  My sadness may have its place inside of me...but my love for Evan will never stop pouring over him.  He has changed my life.  He is living proof of a miracle.  My love will never be replaced by the sadness of missing our babies.  
I will NEVER stop being thankful!  I will NEVER stop showering Evan with everything he deserves.  I will NEVER let sadness overshadow my joy.  I will NEVER stop telling Evan how much I love and adore him.  I will NEVER let a day pass without laughing with our son.  I will ALWAYS share Zac with Evan...because they forever share a bond.

I am thankful that because of the gift God gave me through the cross...I WILL be with all my children some day.
I am thankful for the love of a Heavenly Father who has carried me through my greatest sorrow, and helped me find a balance between that sorrow and my intense love for Evan.  For a peace that only He can provide.  For a love that never ends.  

Life carries many sad moments, and we all have scars.  But there will ALWAYS be something we can be thankful for. 

After the busy week last week, and the busy weekend...my body is feeling it.  I can now say that I am thankful that Evan did not actually sleep during his afternoon nap today (but still gave me 45 minutes of down-time making my pot pie!) because it forced me NOT to do my workout...which my body indeed needed a break from.  Tonight...everything hit.  Just before supper I started to feel super run down.  Brett's parents came to enjoy the pot pie with us...so it was a blessing too because they all played with Evan while I snuck off to my bedroom and layed in bed and rested.  
So I am soon off to sleep and hopefully will wake up refreshed and rested.

On that note...I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving!

Saturday, September 24, 2011

Missing comments...

Ya, no point to this post other than to whine about missing reading peoples comments on my blog! 

I know I'm not saying much these and have lacked any depth...but honestly...these days I just feel so darn tired.

But I miss hearing from people :)

Hope everyone is doing fabulous, and for any struggling...I do pray for all those who read my blog, and pray for peace and health for each of you!

Hugs,
Heather

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

And the milestone moments keep coming...

We've always been SOOOOO careful with Evan and his exposure to crowds.  We've been cautious (and rightfully so) with germs.  We have taken careful steps and measures that have resulted in a healthy 2 years so far.  And I wouldn't change how cautious and careful we were, and remain.
But this did result in stepping back from our church.  

But this last Sunday, we returned :)

AND, Evan went to CHILDREN'S CHURCH!!!!!!!!!!!  
He stayed with us in the sanctuary during praise and worship because he loves music, and then I took him to his 2 year old class.  It was HARD for ME!  I got him settled in and hung out with him for a few minutes...and then he was off playing with the other kids!  I went up to him and said "will you be okay if mommy leaves now?" and he confidently said to me "okay mommy!  Bye!"...and off he went!  

Can I just say...I was the one almost in tears as I left the room!  This was HUGE for me because we have NEVER left Evan with anyone but our parents...and he has never been a setting of a class of children before.  I've known that he would LOVE it.  He loves playing with kids and loves activity...so I knew it would be a breeze for him.  But it was soooooooooo strange for me!  I was so ridiculously proud of him!  And so relieved that he had so much fun!  Yet...it was hard to realize how quickly he is growing up.  How much more independent he is becoming.  And that I have to face that my little wonder is becoming this little independent person.
Crazy.  It truly does go so very fast.

So many milestone have passed...and so many more are ahead of us.  I am just blessed to get to be witness to them, and to watch who he is becoming.  He truly is an amazing little boy...and I am one very lucky mommy! 

Saturday, September 3, 2011

Summer fun...

Well, we are back from a wonderful summer getaway with our sweet friends.  We were off to Kelowna, BC once again this year.  We had gone last year with these same friends, and after our last FET failed we realized there was no reason not to go again this year.  So last minute I booked a condo at the resort we all stay at, booked flights this year (decided to try that route instead of the loooong drive) and began the craziness of packing and prepping.

We left the early evening on the 21st of August.  Our flight had a stop over in Edmonton, AB, and while we were waiting on the plane for additional passengers one of the flight attendants asked if Evan would like to go up to the cockpit and "fly" the plane!

My lil' pilot!

Yes, he was certainly beyond thrilled!!!  Before we even left we had told him about the plane, and he would cry because we said he wasn't going to be allowed to fly it!  Well...this made his day!!

He did SO good!  I was worried as this was his first flight, and worried about his ears, etc.  Yup, the worrier in me was proven to be a fool once more...he was FINE!  He was such a big boy!

When we got to Kelowna we went to pick up our car rental.  While I was dealing with the guy I turned and saw Evan's carry on suitcase, his little Lightening McQueen suitcase that he pulls on his own...but no Evan!  I asked Brett and his face froze...we couldn't see him around us.
Can I just say...that split second of taking your eyes off your child is the worst split second decision in the world when you think of how this could have resulted.  We both went white...but then I looked just a couple feet and Evan was climbing on a carry on weight/measurement scale.
I have never felt so sick in my life.  The thought that someone could have easily had taken our son.  The thought of that moment and feeling still makes me tear up and feel sick to my stomach.  I would have died right there.  Honestly.

ANYHOW, thank God everything was okay.  But we kicked up our usual "watch like a hawk" habits in to high gear!
We got to our condo and started to settle in.  Then went to say hello to our friends and let them know we were there.
Poor Evan was so tired!  But he was so proud of himself because he got to sleep on a futon!  Yup...big boy bed time.  The hunt for a new bed is officially on!

Our 10 days were filled with GLORIOUS sun and heat.  Perfect for swimming at the pool and playing at the beach!!  We had such a wonderful time...and MY little holiday time (me time) was Evan's nap time in the afternoon.  Brett would hang in the condo while Evan slept and I would go and hang out by the pool and get nice and toasty brown!  I DID start out good the first couple of days with going to the gym and doing my Shred video...but then I realized...how much longer was this sun and heat going to last!  What was I doing!  I came to the conclusion that it was okay to give myself a holiday from my workout routine.  Now it's just time to get back in to the routine!!  But, I don't feel too swayed from it with breaking on holiday.  I'm excited to gear up once more!

Our last day we decided to go to the beach and feed the ducks our left over bread.  It was CRAZY!  They were every where!  And sooooooo sweet!!!!  It was a blast, but Evan was not too terribly impressed!  So funny!!

All my ducky friends!

Evan was far from impressed!

Too sweet...they'd just eat right from your hand, and walk across your feet!


Our trip home was another story.  First, we had tried to switch our 10:45am flight to a 7am flight that would have gotten us home by 10:30am.  When I okayed the change charges with the girl on the phone, she put me on hold to get everything started, then came back about 5 minutes later appologizing that the "system" had made a calculation error and it was going to cost more.  When she told me the amount, I said to forget it, we'd keep our original flights.
Well...hindsight...we should have just paid it and gotten home.
Our 2 hour flight (plus a 3 hour layover) ended up taking us 12 hours of airports and 3 flights to get home!  Our layover in Edmonton which was supposed to be 3 hours, turned in to 6 1/2 hours, but then got cancelled and we were all dispersed to different flights.
We finally left Edmonton, got to Calgary and literally went straight on to our next plane when we got off the first one.  And finally got home just before 9pm.
Then Brett's suitcase and golf clubs and Evan's suitcase were lost after it all!  Oiy!
It was almost 11pm by the time Evan got to bed.  He was so tired and just didn't want to sleep alone so I put him on our bed, turned to turn on some music and looked back at him and he was OUT COLD!!!!  TOO funny!!!!

I didn't realize how much I needed to get away as well.  How much I needed to recharge.  How tired I've been.  How much I needed to focus on MY little family.  Now being back home and finding this semi-renewed sense of charge-up...I see just how much I needed it.

Holidays are always odd.  They are awesome, don't get me wrong...but knowing we are missing someone...it can catch you.  That feeling.  That knowledge.  That pang of sadness.  We both felt it.
We wished Zac could be a part of it all with us, like he should have been.

It always hits me especially when I see another family complete with both their twins.  And while I was alone by the pool one day I was greatful for my dark sunglasses and hat as I watched a couple with their twin sons...who would have been about 2 years old as well, swimming together and playing in the pool.  Mom with one son, dad with the other.  Just as Brett and I always enjoyed planning out while I was pregnant with Zac and Evan.
But this time, yes, tears slid down my face...but I was able to watch them for a little bit instead of running to another part of the deck.  And to me, that was a small victory. 

Being away is nice.  It's nice to get to be "hidden" in a sense.  Even though real life is always within you...on holidays it's like you can just let loose and just "BE"!  It is special to get to spend time together with friends and have the kids growing a friendship and bond.  It's nice to be with people you can just have no pretenses with.  Just be real.  Say what's on your mind and know it's okay.  And to laugh with true laughter.
Don't get me wrong...I'm not saying I don't have people at home like this...it's just nice to get to be with friends who aren't in your same city and just know that time doesn't change or hamper friendship.
We love you guys!!

Here are a couple of my highlight pictures...but there are far too many to share!

My little water-bug :)
Warming up in the sun.  Someone needed his shades!

Ah glorious sun!!

My favorite Willow tree at the beach

On a train ride with our buddies!

Beach Bum fun...doesn't it look like they are having fun?!  hee hee hee

Quails Gate Winery.  Grape vine.  Sooo wanted to taste it!

Mommy and Me

More pool time fun!

Snuggle Bugs!

My rock climbing wonder!

My heart and soul!!