I am still confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the Lord
Psalm 27: 13-14

Tuesday, February 25, 2014

Dear Me...past, present and future.

Dear Me of the past...

Thank you for using all the experiences you went through to fight to become who you were going to need become.
Thank you for not giving in during some of the most difficult times of your younger years.
Thank you for being stubborn and strong willed, because now I see how much you needed those characteristics.
Thank you for realizing you were better than what you were allowing in your life.  And that you DESERVED better than who you were settling for in your life.  I realize through your teen/dating years, just to have someone show interest was flattering, and some times your choices in a dating partner weren't always the best.  So, thank you for coming around and realizing that!  We ended up with someone pretty darn fantastic!
Thank you for not feeling that there was no hope in life when hurtful words and actions were directed at you (even though those words and actions cut deep and left wounds...and at those moments felt more true than anything you ever knew).
Thank you, body, for not shutting down when I was abusing you to become what the world said was beautiful (and what I once believed).  I am sorry for the way I harmed you.  But thank you for your strength during the path to my healing.
Thank you for the laughter and good memories!

Dear Me of the present...

Oh my, what a road we have been on.  
Thank you for your continued strength to fight for your life, your family and for holding on for all you have.
Thank you for finding peace with God, and for the peace you strive to find in yourself and WITH yourself.
Thank you for working on self forgiveness and love.
Thank you for the continued stubborn and strong willed personality...but that it has softened in many areas as healing has continued.

Stop doubting yourself so much.  Stop beating yourself up!  Stop living in moments that you had no control over, and could not change.  Stop blaming yourself.  Stop thinking you aren't good enough in the eyes of others.  All that matters is that you are MORE than enough for God, and your sweet family.  Who cares that you don't fit a size 2 pair of jeans and don't have ripples of abs in a bikini in place of the wave of "love belly" that shows where you carried your sons.  
YOU ARE MORE THAN ENOUGH!  UNIQUELY YOU.  Believe that.  Some day...truly believe that!
We have been working on our health, you and I.  And lately it has taken a turn for the positive.  Keep at it!!
Thank you for not fearing to speak the names of your babies.  For never letting anyone make you feel you should shut their LIVES and memories in a closet box.  Keep speaking them!  Each are a piece of your life and your family!  
Memories will always be tucked in your heart.  They are your memories to treasure.  No one can take those away.  Keep them safe.  

Dear Me of the future...

Keep fighting for life, family, love...hope.
Keep working on building that treasured marriage you have been blessed with.
Keep building that relationship with God nice and tight.  As we know all too well...it can be far too easy to question Him when difficult times happen.  Build this relationship stronger and stronger.
That little boy who is growing up far too fast?  I know I don't even need to tell you how much you want to hold on to every single second together with him.  Build him up daily.  Encourage, guide, strengthen and love him endlessly every single day.  Days can be far too short.  Hold his hand in as long as he will let you.  Hug him tight, even when he wants to wiggle away.  Kiss his cheek even though he may wipe it off.  Love him, no matter what.  Tell him EVERY day how proud you are of him.
Lets keep working diligently on our health.  I want to be around for a long time.  I want to watch all life unfolds for our family.
Know that you are loved, and it is okay to finally love yourself in return.  
Be proud of yourself.  You have been through many battles, and you are alive.  I don't know what battles may still be ahead...but fight them.  Fight them with passion...and win.
Me of the future...I hope I help you to arrive at someone we are at peace with.
Love the life we have walked.
Give yourself a break when you need it.
Be a woman that your husband and son look at and say "thank you for who you are, and all you are".
Never waste a moment.  

And look lovingly back and say "I'm proud of you".

Thursday, February 20, 2014

Define yourself. A letter to Evan...

I often journal to Evan.  Not as much as I used to.  I think before it was just a matter of telling him what was happening every single day.  And I started to realize as he got older that the mundane events of the day wouldn't matter so much for him to read back on.  It started to dawn on me, that although I still write about some mundane daily events, I wanted to start writing to him about things that I really hope and pray for his life and his future.  Today I found myself compelled to write this to Evan:

Today I want to tell you this:
Define yourself.
Find the person in you that God created you to become.
Grow THAT person.
Trust your heart.  Trust God.  Seek His wisdom and guidance in your life.  Trust His love for you.
When you catch yourself trying to be like someone else, ask yourself if that is who you truly are.  Are you happy?  Are you proud?
If the answer is no, then that is not who God made you.

You don't need to be like anyone but YOU!
You were created unique, unlike ANY other.

It's good to learn from others.  It is good to see positive qualities in others that we can bring in to our own lives.  That is okay!
BUT, when they are negative qualities and actions...FLEE from that!  Learn how you do not want to be in those moments, and use that to strengthen who you know you are.

I pray you surround yourself with strong, encouraging, positive and Godly friends.  People who build you up and bring out your best.

I pray you find strength in yourself.  
Certainty in who YOU are.
That you remain gentle, loving, thoughtful, tender, funny and kind.

I pray your ears and heart will block unkind words and actions.
I pray a mean spirited person would never shake your gentle heart.
That you will never doubt yourself.

Mommy and daddy are here to encourage you and to guide you.  To love you and support you.  To build you up and strengthen you.
We won't always have the answers.
We may not always be able to soothe a future broken heart.
But we promise to do our very best, and to walk beside you through these times.

I pray that you NEVER EVER feel less than the amazing person you are!
Uniquely you!!

Define yourself, Evan.  
Find YOU and never doubt yourself.
For you, my boy, are amazing!

I love you!!