I am still confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the Lord
Psalm 27: 13-14

Thursday, October 20, 2011


I lose focus easily.  I can admit that.  Not the day to day task focus (although that I call just pure procrastination!), but the focus on WHO is in control of the fine details of my life that I can NOT control.
I get caught up in wanting to be able to "take charge" and "fix things"...when it's just not possible.  I can not control certain aspects of my life.
And when I can't...I feel that all too familiar struggle with anxiety and worry and "what if".  And it STINKS!  I hate that feeling...because it can become paralyzing some times. 
And no matter how much I verbally tell myself "I am not in control, let it go"...I just don't want to I guess.  My head and logic know what I need to do...but my body and my emotions just seem to get the upper hand.
Life can get so complicated.  I know WHO is in control.  I know that God is working out the details.  I know He wants and needs me to just trust Him and LET GO.  But why is it so hard?  Why do I think that I could ever possibly do a better job?!  I really don't think so!
And life without God in control would be HORRIBLE!  I could never do it.  Knowing He is there, and that He loves me with a love like no other...I don't know...even when I'm trying to control situations in my life...I know that it is God that will ultimately sort it out and get us through.

So these past few days the music has been pumping again, and touching me in ways that I need.  The tears have been flowing, and the battle inside of me going strong...but at peace when I listen to these beautiful songs and lyrics...knowing they are more than just words.

I love the CD "Be Lifted High - Live worship from Bethel Church".  A definite recommend!!
The past couple days my daily "mantra" song has been God I Look To You.  So as usual, I am going to type out the lyrics.  HOWEVER...if you go to youtube and search God I Look To You Bethel Church...you can hear the song for yourself.  It is beautiful!


God I look to You,
I won't be overwhelmed
Give me vision to see things like You do
God I look to You,
You're where my help comes from
Give me wisdom, You know just what to do

I will love You Lord my strength
I will love You Lord my shield
I will love You Lord my rock
Forever all my days, I will love You God

Hallelujah our God reigns
Hallelujah our God reigns
Hallelujah our God reigns
Forever all my days Hallelujah

I really recommend going to youtube and listening to it!

I have also begun reading and working on the book The Resolution for Women.  If you have or haven't heard of the movie "Courageous"...it's branched from that, and the resolution for men.  This one is for women.   And I've only gotten through the first chapter...and already it is forcing some SERIOUS inward looking.  And that is the point of this "project".  Not pointing fingers at others and accusing their actions for my behaviours, and really facing some tough self evaluations.  In the preface of the book it was recommended to let those around you (especially family)  know what you are doing, as a means to be accountable...and even to do it WITH other women.  I haven't.  Right now I need to really just work through some things...and I truly believe that this book will be a great stepping stone.
I will also be starting to go through the study "Brave" once it arrives.  And hopefully from there I would actually like to get other women involved in it. 
I am realizing that I need that support system.  I need those who will willingly and openly pray for me, and those who will help me stay accountable and encouraged.  As I hope I can do for others too!  I don't want to be just about "my" needs...I want, and have always wanted, to be there for others too. 
So as I journey through this book...I may comment from time to time about what I am learning, and how I am struggling.

So...my focus for today...trusting God's hand in my life...and step by step learning to let go. 
But my "easier" focus for today...allowing laughter and love to overwhelm the worry in my life, so that laughter overflows in to all that I do.  Hmmmm...maybe that's not any easier! :)

Blessings to you all!

Saturday, October 15, 2011

Wave of Light - Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day...

Began the day with a visit with my lil' angel

No matter the painful circumstance...with God, we are never alone

Remembering our angels - "Whisper", Jack and Ethan, and Zac

Jack and Ethan, our identical twins.  The second bottom sac is where Whisper began...

An amazing moon hanging over the cemetery where Zac "rests"


No heart breaks alone,
for God is always near,
And when a prayer is whispered,
He's always there to hear...
When sorrow's overwhelming,
He comforts tenderly,
For not a single tear will fall,
that the Father doesn't see.

God Himself will be with them; he will wipe every tear from their eyes. - Revelations 21:3-4

Today was International Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.  At 7pm, in each time zone, candles were lit to remember the lives of the little ones far too many of us have had to endure losing.
I started my day event with a visit to Zac's grave.  I wrote him a note, left some fresh flowers and talked to him about all the things his brother is learning and doing.  I blew kisses to heaven for all our babies, and headed home.
Tonight, at 7pm, I lit my candles.  You see a bar of 7.  For my four angels, for my twin sisters Catherine and Michelle, and the 7th candle for all the angels playing in heaven with my babies.

Then as I was getting Evan ready for bed, I looked out the window and saw the biggest, most colorful moon hanging over the cemetery.  And it couldn't have been more fitting.  I wish I could have captured the true beauty and color and depth of that moon in my picture.  But, it was breath-taking!

Every day I remember my babies.  Every day is remembrance day.  But it is nice to know that there is an internationally recognized day for these sweet babies, regardless the stage of their growth or age.  We don't have to "hide" our losses.  We can "celebrate" together, all over the world, as baby-loss families.  We are not alone.

So tonight, I remember each angel, not only of my own, but those who have touched my lives through their stories through other moms who have had the courage and love to share their child's story.
I remember with you.  
Mommy loves you, Whisper, Jack, Ethan and Zac.  You are in every breath I take, and every beat of my heart!  You are always with me!

"God himself will be with them; he will wipe every tear from their eyes" - Revelations 21:3-4

You are not alone...and our children are NEVER forgotten!

Blessings to us all!

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Thanksgiving Frenzy...

Prepping my first ever Thanksgiving Turkey!! 


Self-explanatory!  More YUMMMM!

My pie frenzy to boot!  Cranberry-Apple, Pumpkin...and for my older brother...Chocolate Cream Pie!

Then, today, my first ever home made Turkey Pot Pie...WITH home made crust!!

Yes, Thanksgiving was busy this year!  I decided to host dinner for my family...and it was so fun!  I did recruite my sister-in-law too who brought some yummy dishes as well!!!  But I did my FIRST EVER turkey...stuffing and all!!  The house smelled glorious...and I was surprisingly organized and had everything well timed...until I realize I still hadn't gotten MYSELF ready!!  

It was fun to be able to give my mom a year off!  Fun to have my house filled with everyone.  And Evan had a RIOT with his cousins!  

I have so very much to be thankful for.  A wonderful, supportive husband...my best friend and rock.  A wonderful home.  Clothing.  A vehicle.  Food to eat.  Family who have walked through not only the best of days, but our darkest days...and love me still!  And precious Evan...a miracle I witness every day!  And the blessing of being able to stay home and raise our son every day!  A true, true blessing indeed!  

Yes...holidays always hold that added sting wishing Zac was beside Evan celebrating in the fun.  Missing Zac, missing Ethan, Jack and Whisper too.  Four settings that will forever be missing from the kitchen table.  Four faces that will never be in family photo albums.  
It's hard not to have the sting of sadness.
Yet...I am still so very thankful for each of those four precious lives.  Whisper, our singleton triplet...who we never even got to see a heart beat...gone far too soon.  Jack and Ethan, our identical twins, and Whisper's siblings...who we were blessed to see their precious heart beats and flutters on our 6 week ultra sound...but then the agony of not seeing them again.  Zac...for the 28 weeks he grew inside me beside his brother.  For all the scans where I got to "see" him.  For all the NST tests where I got to hear his precious hiccups.  For every kick and push and roll inside me.  And then for the brief moments of holding him on my chest, in my arms...while he fought to have some snuggle time with us before reaching for God's hand and entering heavens gates.
Yes...each loss has left a deep scar, and a sadness that has a place inside.  Yet...I am still greatful for those scars.  Because without those scars...there would be no little ones waiting for us in heaven. 
I thank God for the moments I have had with each of our heavenly babes.

And I thank God for the gift of Evan...I wonder, a miracle, a blessing...our pure joy!  My sadness may have its place inside of me...but my love for Evan will never stop pouring over him.  He has changed my life.  He is living proof of a miracle.  My love will never be replaced by the sadness of missing our babies.  
I will NEVER stop being thankful!  I will NEVER stop showering Evan with everything he deserves.  I will NEVER let sadness overshadow my joy.  I will NEVER stop telling Evan how much I love and adore him.  I will NEVER let a day pass without laughing with our son.  I will ALWAYS share Zac with Evan...because they forever share a bond.

I am thankful that because of the gift God gave me through the cross...I WILL be with all my children some day.
I am thankful for the love of a Heavenly Father who has carried me through my greatest sorrow, and helped me find a balance between that sorrow and my intense love for Evan.  For a peace that only He can provide.  For a love that never ends.  

Life carries many sad moments, and we all have scars.  But there will ALWAYS be something we can be thankful for. 

After the busy week last week, and the busy weekend...my body is feeling it.  I can now say that I am thankful that Evan did not actually sleep during his afternoon nap today (but still gave me 45 minutes of down-time making my pot pie!) because it forced me NOT to do my workout...which my body indeed needed a break from.  Tonight...everything hit.  Just before supper I started to feel super run down.  Brett's parents came to enjoy the pot pie with us...so it was a blessing too because they all played with Evan while I snuck off to my bedroom and layed in bed and rested.  
So I am soon off to sleep and hopefully will wake up refreshed and rested.

On that note...I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving!