I am still confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the Lord
Psalm 27: 13-14

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

This and that...

Popsicle break during a cold...note to self...do not give before bed time!! Oiy vay! Evan and his pal Bailey "Now...how can I climb this thing!!!"
Feeding the animals at the zoo! Weeeeeeee!
This is what I love about fall! The amazing colors!!!
So again, my blog is hit and miss for keeping the spacing and paragraphs that I insert...so if it isn't correct...sorry...I don't know how to fix it!
Anyhow, updates first. Evan is doing much better after his cold. I have to say that not a lot gets this little guy down!! He was still full force during his cold. However, he has become a MASTER at blowing his own nose, and then throwing away the kleenex in the garbage. BUT, I am going to have a large stock of kleenex in the house as he now thinks he should blow his nose every two seconds. It's so funny!
On Sunday we headed to the Forestry Farm before the weather turned too cold to enjoy it. But the weather has been AMAZING!!!! Warm, sunny and wonderful! So the day at the Forestry Farm was perfect! Evan just ran and ran and ran and was so proud of himself. Poor Grandma J must have been wiped right out chasing after him!
OH, and the picture with the popsicle...ya...I learned not to ever give this to Evan before bedtime. He DEVOURED the whole thing in no time and got so mad if I tried to hold the stick for him. BUT...he was WIIIIIIIIRED after it!! It took me almost 2 hours to settle him down for bed. But it was hilarious. So I wasn't stressed about it!
Yesterday morning we had our family photos finally! It took us three tries before getting them done...but when you are working with the weather...it's out of your hands.
We had a great time, but do you think Evan would crack a smile?!! No way! He was totally GQ all the way!!! I think Lisa was able to catch a few smiles along the way though! He is such a stinker :) I can't WAIT to see them!!!!!!
And yesterday afternoon Evan had his 18 month immunizations. ARGH, does that ever break my heart. Why does something that is to protect your child have to be painful!? :( Three needles in the arm. Booooo. But he was such a trooper. The third was the most painful but the tears faded quickly and the nurses even got a kiss blown to them by Evan as we left.
But his poor arms were sore the rest of the day, and last night was a bit restless from his discomfort. He is down for a nap now. And really, I should be taking the opportunity to shower and get ready...but nah. I'm enjoying my coffee (my very strong coffee) and updating all you :)
Today feels like a "stronger" day. Yesterday was tough with family pictures. The first time we did family pics with Evan I fought the whole time not to break down. The agony of missing Zac was more than I could bare.
And yesterday the familiar ache was ever present.
When Zac passed away I was given a teddy bear in his remembrance, and in remembrance of this ladies daughter who also passed away...and I've kept that bear tucked safely out of reach so that nothing would ever happen to it.
But in our pictures last year we did a little somthing with a pose that we knew had to do with Zac. This year, I brought that beautiful bear and we did a pose with this bear included...and the ache didn't tear me a part so much. Just having it there, and knowing the meaning of it...it helped me.
I can't wait to see that picture.
Well, I know my time is limited with Evan's nap, so I think I'm going to sign off for now and go quickly get ready.
Hoping everyone has a good day today!

Friday, September 24, 2010

Cold number one...

Well, Evan got his first official cold. Last Thursday at 11:25pm (yes...I know it to the minute because that's when everything hit the fan!) Evan woke up crying so hard that he couldn't calm down. So I sat with him in my lap over the bath tub, and he threw up. He wasn't sick with the flu...just really worked up. I think he got super congested (keep in mind he had no prior symptoms, and this hit all at once) and must have not been able to get a good breath or ability to clear his throat and got scared. I can feel for him...I know what it feels like to be that stuffed up.
Needless to say I was up all night with him. He had a couple rough nights the previous 2 nights, so I was already exhausted...but this night kicked me in the butt and the I started to feel sick to my stomach because I was so tired.
We were supposed to be having family pictures by the river that Friday morning, but I had to cancel. Evan was just in no shape. Between his hacking and runny nose, and my puffy eyes and dry heaving...I don't think we would have been the best sight in our photos!!
Then Saturday morning Evan woke up really struggling to breathe properly and sounded very rattly...and my fear kicked in and so we packed up and off we headed to little peds ER. Evan is still higher risk for RSV and I know the signs to watch for...but I wanted him checked regardless. And since it is officially high risk RSV season (until May!) there was NO WAY I was going to take any chances. And I'm glad we went. He did get a liquid steriod to help open up his airways, but otherwise the doctor was happy with his breathing and chest sounds. And I felt MUCH better having taken the precaution of going!! I will never EVER allow myself to think I'm being too over cautious...there is no such thing with Evan!!
Evan and I had a couple of more rough nights after that, but finally Evan was able to get a full nights sleep...and I couldn't have been more relieved...for both of us!
He is still congested and has a runny nose, but he is doing good! Busy as ever. Nothing really slows him down.
His latest thing is pretending to go potty and having to pull one square of toilet paper off to "wipe" and then throws it in the toilet. I bought a potty trainer seat for the toilet and have been putting him on time to time, but during the day he will pull it out and sit on it and grunt away. It is PRICELESS!!
He is also becoming quite possessive of his mommy. The other day I was holding him and Brett came to hug me and Evan started pushing Brett away and making this distressed "aaarrrggghhh" sound. The more Brett tried to hug me, the more angry Evan got. And then he would rest his head on my shoulder and go "ahhhhhhhh". SOOOOO FUNNY!!!!!! He is SUCH a character!!!!!!
What would I ever do without my son? The sad thing is...I know the reality of that statement.
But my days with Evan are filled to overflowing with love and laughter.
I follow other blogs, and I'm always blown away by the comments and encouragement others post the writer of the blog after their entries. Sometimes I feel jealous because I wish I had the same. Yet, I know life is busy, and really ultimately as long as people have been touched, then that's what matters. Not everyone is able to post something. And maybe some really have nothing to say. And that's okay too!
HOWEVER...I would love to give a shout-out to my precious pal Lori, who faithfully posts a comment and encouragement and support to me. When I see that 1 comment at the end of my entry...I know it will be Lori :) So to you my dear friend...thank you!!! It means the world to me!!
And to those of you who continue to follow along with me...I thank you too!!!!
There are days where I wonder why I keep up with my blog. And days where I really want to refocus and start being an encouragement to others, while still being real and vulnerable.
So, I will carry on. Maybe not as much as I used to, but I will keep going.
Well, it's late and Brett is off to his hockey game and Evan is sleeping soundly...and I have The Real Housewives of New York on TV. Ya, I'm a sucker for mindless TV that I can just laugh at!! But I think it's time to try and catch up on some desperately needed sleep, so time to shut everything down!!
I will be posting soon about something called Pregnancy and Infancy Loss Walk for Remembrance and Hope that will be happening in Moose Jaw on October 2.
October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day...a day that has become all too familiar to me in the loss of 3 of our 4 babies. Since finding this event...I am thinking I want to participate in it. Hopefully things will work out.
If you are at all interested, the sight is www.October15th.com.
Well, time to shut down.
Night night all!
And sweet dreams to all my little ones. xoxo

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

This one was tough...

Evan's first visit to his brother's grave site.
Today was a tough one. It has been a decent day all in all, but after a lunch date with Brett I had planned to take Evan to the cemetery to bring some flowers to brighten up Zac's plot. Obviously I had planned this visit since I had my camera with me. But this was also the very first visit for Evan to Zac's grave site. I had tried one other time when Evan was teeny weeny, but the mosquitos were so bad I couldn't take him out of the vehicle. That was last year. But today, I thought why not. The weather isn't getting any better, and I want this to be something that Evan comes to know...visits to his brother's grave site with mommy...healing together. Evan of course had fun playing with all the items around Zac's grave. And I let him. He sat beside Zac's marker...and there it was...the picture moment. And it hurt. It was tough. But also special to have this moment WITH Evan. As we left Zac's spot and I put Evan in his car seat...it hit...HARD. The unmistakable blow to my heart. I had the priviledge of putting Evan in his car seat...but never Zac. Zac is not beside Evan. Not on this earth anyhow. But he is always in our hearts. I refuse to have melt downs in front of Evan. He is already in tune with a persons emotions and the last thing I wanted to have him see was his mommy breaking down. But as I spoke with Evan, my voice choked up...and I couldn't hide the few tears that escaped. Evan just looked at me with a confused look...a tender look. I told him that mommy was fine, and that tears just show we are real and that they are okay. I gave him a hug and kiss, and we drove away. My chest hurts now. My head aches. My heart breaks. My sweet precious Evan is tucked safely in bed napping. My sweet precious Zac is playing freely in the streets of heaven. A while ago I bought this little book called Prayers for Families, and I was scanning through and found this prayer: "Thank You for granting our request and blessing us with a beautiful family. We give our children back to You, Father. We ask that You would use each one for Your glory. Amen." I prayed that prayer every day when I found out I was pregnant. I knew my babies were gifts from God...but ultimately HIS children. I never thought that I would literally have to give yet a third child back to God so very soon. And it hurt. And it has always been a point of confusion and anger to me...but each of our children have always been first and foremost God's. We just got the honor of knowing them for the time we had. And I have the pure blessing and honor of carrying on life with our Evan. And I couldn't be more thankful. All I can pray is that Zac's short life DID and DOES touch lives. That Evan's life continues to touch lives and that all that God has planned for his sweet life will be filled with hope and honor to God for the miracle of life. I pray for strength to be the mommy he needs, the mommy he deserves. I pray for wisdom to lead him in ways that will be a blessing to others. I am broken. I am greatful. I am pained. I am joyful. I am a mother living a life of rejoicing and grieving. I love my boys. And am greatful for both of them and for what I am learning through each of them.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Some days more than others...

Some days sting way more intense than others. Today is one of those days. Even though it is filled with laughter and love and gratitude...today includes pangs and grief and the never-ending question of "why?"
Today we needed to go buy new dog pillows, so off to Costco we all went...including the dogs. Tag has to be under our watchful eye, so it is easier just to take both him and Bailey. Tag had a blood vessel burst in one of his ears that pooled in the lobe and needed to be drained. It has been a process. And he was doing good, but the wrapping had to be replaced and Tag is super high anxiety at the vet...so Brett was given the items needed to do it at home...including pills to sedate Tag. And this time he is having a rough time coming out of the sedation. We knew with his age and because he had been sedated twice last week already that another sedation would be tough...but we had no choice. Now looking back I wish we had just gotten an anxiety pill to calm him instead of sedating him. He is very lethargic and just not himself. We are trying to get him moving and once he is up he is a bit better and happier to be outside, but it's getting him up and just knowing that he is not himself.
ANYHOW, that just adds to the mood of the day. And you would think that finally a day of sun would bring nothing but smiles and joy...and don't get me wrong, it does...but today is just tough.
At Costco I was faced with two sets of twins. And it makes me realize more and more...it will NEVER get easier or "better". Anyone who tries to tell me it will...sorry...I don't agree. Maybe DIFFERENT, but NEVER better or easier.
I found myself averting my line of view from them, and going the opposite direction. What can I say...it is the coping mechanism I need for now. Because without it...I will fall apart.
My heart was in my throat, my chest hurt, my head spun. I just scooped up Evan and hugged him and told him how much I love him.
Yup...it's one of those days.
Evan is doing wonderfully. He got a glowing review at his "18th" month check up with our family doctor. Which is always nice. He is almost now 24 pounds. My doctor and I had a good laugh because we were talking about his weight (I was saying I thought he'd be heavier than what the scale was saying) and she said at 18 months a child should have doubled their birth weight and then she said "he has, hasn't he?"...then I started laughing and she looked at his birth weight and started laughing and said "ummm, ya, 2 lb 9ou birth weight...I would say he has doubled it!"
He is jabbering even more and figuring out words, which can be pretty funny. The other day he threw his spoon and some breakfast on the floor and before I had a chance to say "no!" he looked at me and shook his finger and said "no no!!" I was at my parents when this happened, and the three of us just burst out laughing! How can you NOT laugh at that one!!! I'm all about correction and manners...but this one even warranted a gut laugh from me!! At least he knew what my response to his action was going to be!!! What a turkey I have!!
He is a boys boy all the way. Loves rocks and anything mechanical. We were over at my niece's 3rd birthday last night and Evan found Fin's play tool work bench and he had every button figured out and how to screw one of the plastic screws with the screwdriver!
However...he then had to check out Brighton's make-up station that she got for her birthday! hee hee hee hee.
I marvel at Evan every day. He has a spirit and determination in him very much like how I once saw myself. I know my parents say he is very much like how I was with the "I can do it myself" attitude. And I like that!
He holds a strength and will that I pray he NEVER lets go of!
I am very proud of who my son is growing in to. Occassional tantrums and all!
I love my son...and I miss my son. All wrapped up in one. And again, I sit here picturing Evan safely and soundly asleep in his crib...and look at my window and am faced with the sight of the cemetery where Zac's earthly body lays. I smile, and I weep all in the same action.
I want to go scoop Evan up and just hold him in my arms....and I want to go and scoop Zac up and hold him in my arms.
I am greatful that when Evan awakes from his nap I will hear his warning cry to "rescue" him...but I ache that I never heard Zac's voice...and never will.
Like I say...it's one of those days. But no matter the pain...I will smile. I will remember each of the 28 weeks and 1 day that I carried both of my sons, feeling them move, and watching them grow. I will remember the honor of hearing Zac with the hiccups during NST tests and hearing both of their beautiful heart beats. Oh how I wish I could go back and have recorded those sounds on my camera. I kick myself every day. But it is deeply ingrained in my mind. I will never forget those sounds!!
I will never forget the time we were given to hold Zac and kiss him and love him and talk to him. And I will never forget the moment or the feeling knowing my son was no longer breathing...his heart no longer beating against my chest.
But today I will embrace what we were given, and have been given.
My boys are my everything.
Yesterday, today and forever...I am blessed to be called mommy to all my children!
We are soon going to be doing our family photos again. It's always a fun, yet hard time for me. It's always hard not to have my eyes glistening with tears in the photos.
I look forward to it though. Look forward to capturing the three of us...and even though the picture does not show the spot where our Zac is...all you need to do is look at our chests....because he is right there in each of our hearts.
Well, I'm going to go check on my sweet dog Tag and pray that he will soon come out of this state. I am worried, because he is older, and because I just can't picture saying goodbye to my sweet boy just yet. And then I think we need to take advantage of this nice weather!
Hugs to you all, and praying each of you are blessed today!