I am still confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the Lord
Psalm 27: 13-14

Thursday, August 8, 2013


Sometimes it is easy to forget how blessed I am.
Sometimes the sadness of missing our heavenly angels washes over me, and the knowledge of my blessings can become a bit clouded...for a while.
Sometimes the ache in my heart can feel more intense than I would like to feel.

And then...

there is the HUGE majority of time where my heart is just overflowing with joy, love and feelings of how blessed I am.

I am.  I really am.

And I am grateful for that.

Yes, there will ALWAYS be those moments of sadness, and missing our children, and the ache in my heart. 
That will never disappear.  Because our children, though no longer on this earth, will never, EVER disappear from our memories, our hearts and our family.

I am grateful for my amazing husband.  I love him more than I can express.  He is my rock.  He is my support.  He is my strength.  He is my best friend! 
For a man of integrity, determination, wisdom, respect and love.
I am grateful for the blessing he is to me.

I am grateful for the most amazing gift of our son, Evan.
For his life being spared.  For his survival.  For the love he has brought to our home.  The laughter, the light, the hope...the very real presence of a miracle.
The most unique little guy I know in so many ways!
Unique brother...little brother to his angel triplet siblings, twin brother to his angel brother Zac, and big brother to his angel sister Faith.
Unique indeed.
He has the most inquisitive mind.  You can see when he is pondering something, and then when he asks his question it often catches me off guard how someone so young could ask something with such depth.
Watching my athletic little guy exploring his abilities and trusting his instincts.  Though moments of heart-stopping concern often over takes me...I trust that as long as I am near by, he needs to be able to TRY. 
He gives my soul breath. 
He gives my heart joy.
He gives my life meaning and purpose.
He is living proof that I am indeed blessed!

I am grateful for the beautiful HOME that my husband has been able to provide.  For his ability and creativity and for his unbelievably hard work in growing his company. 
That I have been given the blessing of being able to stay home with Evan and raise him because of my husband's hard work.

We have been having a fun summer indeed!
We bought a RV and have been able to get out camping twice.  The first time it rained the WHOLE time.  Bummer, but still fun.  Even the dogs had fun!
The second time we left the dogs at home with grandma and grandpa and brought my nephew and niece, and had my younger brother, sister-in-law and nephew come for a day too.  The weather was fantastic, and we all had such a fun time!!

Evan and I have been keeping busy and enjoying days at the spray park, paddling pool, parks and exploring on walks.  We have been working on his big boy bicycle and he is starting to enjoy it.  He loves his glider bike far more as he can go WAY faster on it.  And what little boy wouldn't prefer speed!

It feels as though summer has barely been here.  A very long winter this year.  A delayed spring.  And the summer days are already starting to feel cool.  UGH!!  NOT ready for that!  This morning there was cold dew on the grass...and even the dragon flies were unimpressed.  I transported 8 of them from the shade and dew on my lawn on to a sunny, warm spot.  Good deed for the day.  I adore dragon flies, so it warmed my heart to watch as their wings dried off and they started flying away. 

Fall brings with it a new adventure for Evan and I. 
He begins preschool.
This momma is NOT ready for that either!  I love having him with me all day every day. 
And even though preschool is only a few hours two mornings a week...it is W.E.I.R.D to me to think school is becoming an actual part of our lives. 
Yaaaa, sooooo not ready!

It is hard to watch how fast Evan is growing up. 
Exciting, encouraging, grateful for his health and growth...but still...it is going so fast!  And I am just clinging to these younger moments. 
Though on the other hand...it just gets more and more fun!  He is such an independent little guy.  And determined.  But still loves his snuggle time with mommy!
It is a riot to watch him with his cousins, and to watch his personality with each of them.
They are treasured moments...our coffee visits at the coffee store (Starbucks!), chatting and sharing and giggling.
The stolen smiles or winks that I get.  The "hey mommy...I love you"s. 
Watching him process moments of learning life lessons.  Lessons of kindness, fairness, sharing, obedience.
Lessons for MYSELF in teaching him these things.  And in those moments, learning to watch myself too! 
Bed time prayers.  Mine, and then his added prayers (which are far too adorable!!)
Listening to him singing praise and worship songs!  LOOOOOVE this, as my love for praise and worship music has wrapped itself around him as well!  YESSS!!

I am truly blessed.  I will never deny that.

Though my heart holds many hurts and scars...it also holds an abundance of joy and love and gratitude.

I was talking to Brett the other day saying how hard it must be for others who have not experienced such losses to understand how a persons heart can hold such an intricate balance of love and sorrow all wrapped up in one.  Where one does not outweigh the other.  Where sorrow does not overshadow the joy and love for life as it is, but where sorrow does remain.
Those who watch my love, laughter and joy with Evan and assume that my heart no longer aches...
Or when they see the moments of my sorrow and possibly assume that the sorrow shadows the joy and that I should just be "all better".
I'm learning not to take the lack of understanding as lack of compassion...even when sometimes it sure does feel that way.

I don't expect people to understand that personal balance of joy and sorrow.  How could I?  It is mine.  And I am learning what to allow others to see.  And what I share.

Life is changing for me.

New adventures are beginning. 
Parts of my life that have been front and center for the past 13 years (trying to start/grow our family) are coming to a close.
And it is both exciting, and scary.
And even a little sad for me.

For 13 years we have struggled for the family we had dreamed of.  The three children we thought we would raise, or so our "plan" had been in the niave, innocent phase of "when we have our family". 
For 9 years I have been through various fertility treatments, medications, poking, prodding, extracting, replacing, ultra sounds, pregnancies, losses, and life.
Who would ever think that someone who has only ever dreamed of being a mommy would be one who would face such struggle for something so pure and innocent?!   Something so ridiculously easy for so many others...even those who never wanted children.  Or the oh so popular comments "we weren't even TRYING!"
I will never understand that.  Lucky for them...frustrating for me and wondering why it couldn't be us!
I dream of a scenario where I would ever see a positive pregnancy test WITHOUT intervention.  A full term pregnancy that resulted in a full term, healthy take-home baby.  To experience the "normal" of it all.  The "innocence" of it all.

Though, that has not been the way it has been.
And likely never the way it will be.

But again...I am grateful.  I am grateful for those treatments and procedures and medications and poking and prodding that have resulted in hearing three times "you are pregnant". 
I am grateful that three times I have been able to see those early ultra sounds and seeing the beating hearts of all five of our six babies...except for Jadon.  Jadon was gone far too soon before we saw that sweet heart beating.
I am grateful for getting to dream, even if 5 of those 6 sweet babies were not able to fulfill the hopes and dreams I had for them on this earth.
And I am OH. SO. GRATEFUL for the life of Evan!

I am grateful for the blessings of my life.

Each scar tells a story, even if the scars are only visible to me.

Each tear holds a truth.

And my smile...it shows the love I feel and the blessings I have been granted.

I am blessed indeed.