I am still confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the Lord
Psalm 27: 13-14

Friday, August 19, 2011

Keep fighting...

Some days you just need a reminder to keep fighting.  A reminder of what you have been and ARE fighting for.  A reminder of who is fighting FOR YOU!  

I always referred to Zac and Evan as our "Fighter Boys".  They are forever my Fighter Boys.  I've never known such strength and determination.  Zac for the weeks he fought to hang in there for all of us.  Evan for giving his brother the encouragement to keep fighting.  And both of our boys for giving me the reasons to keep fighting.  
And now every day I look at Evan, I see each of those 5 weeks he fought along side with Zac, and then the 66 days he fought to come home.  I see his strength every single day.
And I feel Zac's hand on my heart giving me the strength to know that he is okay, and that he loves us.

Our boys fought every day for life.  And I will always fight for them!  

My sister-in-law made Evan the t-shirt that he is wearing in the above picture.  I memorium to Zac, and a testiment of who Evan is...a Warrior.

Then yesterday...I found the shirt that I am wearing above with the boxing gloves.  And I HAD to have it!  Boxing gloves have always been the symbol of our sons.  And when I saw it, and put it on...it reminded me that you just have to keep fighting...no matter how dark a day may seem or how weak you may feel.  You need to keep fighting.

Just keep fighting!!

Thursday, August 11, 2011

It may seem like no big deal to some...but to ME.......

After we lost our first twins, I couldn't stand seeing the two-seater grocery carts, the kids grocery carts with the double car front...and especially the Costco shopping cart.  It broke me because after losing Whisper, then Jack and Ethan...those seats would always be empty.

Then when we found out we were expecting Zac and Evan...I felt so excited (after a long while of dealing with fear of course) to think that my boys would sit side by side in those carts, or would be tooting the horns on the car front shopping carts...and yes...especially that Costco shopping cart.

Crazy the things that we look forward to.  
Heart breaking the things that never come to be.

HOWEVER...today was a HUGE milestone for ME personally!  Today at the grocery store that has the shopping cart with the ride in front double car with toy steering wheels...Evan saw it, and just HAD to ride in it.  What a strange moment of emotions came over me!  Yet...to him, it's new and it's entertaining when you have to be dragged around for groceries!  So...after I did a major sanitizing of both (disgustingly) dirty steering wheels, he was in and we were off.  

I DID IT!!!!!!!  
I made it through with laughing along with him and swallowing back the misty eyes that wanted to drip with tears.  I didn't allow my heart ache to interfere with his joy and excitement...and I felt so darn proud of myself.
Yes...it stung.  It will always sting not hearing Evan and Zac "driving" together.  But I focused on Evan and watching him explore this new ride and the moment.
And even though Zac may not have been right there in the cart with Evan...he was with us.  Giggling and laughing as he watched his brother.  Cheering me on with his hand on my heart, letting me know he is okay...and it's okay to experience these moments with Evan without feeling guilt or sadness.

I did it...