I am still confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the Lord
Psalm 27: 13-14

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

My brave lil` man!

So yesterday was Evan's first visit at the dentist! 
Lets just say he was FAR more brave than I am when I have to go!!
But I guess that's where ignorance is bliss, right? 
And I'm hoping that he never has to encounter the parts of the dentist that make you want to gag every time you have to go! :)
He was so good!! 
Crawled right up in to that chair, laid back, and did as he was asked.
And it helps that each dental chair has a TV above it to help take away the anxiety!
The girl and the dental therapist were wonderful with him.  Patient, calm, friendly, and explained everything to him.
He rocked it!
And no cavities!  So that was great!
Watching him in that chair made me see it even more.
My baby is growing up so quickly.
Yesterday I caught myself thinking of the first time I ever took Evan for a walk in his stroller.
And I won't lie...I got teary-eyed.
I remember the pride I felt knowing that I was pushing MY child in the stroller.
And yes, the ache of the sorrow of it not being the double stroller we had originally purchased for Zac and Evan before Zac passed away...that was my silent inner tears as I walked Evan around the block.
But I still remember the feeling of...almost shock, that I was finally walking my own child.
And I found myself smiling at the memory.
Watching Evan growing up so quickly...it makes me want to just stop moments so that I can freeze-frame them and just hold on to those moments a while longer.
It makes me want to shoot myself back in time for just a moment so I can hold that tiny little baby he once was, and hear the little cooing noises he would make. 
But life is filled with new adventures. 
He is all boy.  Find a rock...well naturally, it must be thrown.  Find a puddle...well why WOULDN'T you jump in it?  Find a bug...well of course you have to touch it.
This little boy of ours...what a treasure.
Last night we were snuggled in bed, both hacking away.  Evan has been under the weather for a while now and still fighting a cough.  I have been without much of a voice for 5 days now, and hacking along side Evan.  So the two of us are quite the pair. 
Every night I tell Evan how proud I am of the boy he is becoming.  And he started to talk to me about when he was a baby (which is hilarious to listen to his stories), and then I told him how lucky I am to have such precious boys in my life.  That he and his brother make my heart so happy.  And he started to tell me about how Zac is a baby, and he holds him "just like this, mommy".  And then he said "but he is a big boy in heaven like me!" 
And precious that he speaks of his brother, and that they will always be a part of each other.
Though life isn't as I had once imagined it would be...it is still a blessed life.

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

My last fall of...

I've been realizing more and more...life is moving way too fast for my liking!

Today my nephew starts grade 2!  Tomorrow my niece begins kindergarten!

And next fall...my own son will begin preschool.

And it gives me a lump in my throat.  I can't believe it.  One more year before my life changes again. 
And the little boy I've been waiting for all my life will begin to experience a life of independence...more than he has already.  It changes...and though I am so proud of him, and know he will do wonderful...my heart aches at the idea of not having my little man with me every. single. day.  All day.  Every day.

It's just a very wierd concept for me.  A tough one.  It seems wierd to me to have a 4 year old (next year) in school, even if it is for short periods.  He still feels like my baby! 
I haven't had enough time with him all to myself.  And I don't want to share him yet!

So, I am determined to make the most of this year!!  More than ever! 

This isn't a depressing sob story kind of post...just a big realization for me and a bit of a teary moment.

When my nephew started kindergarten, I cried.  I did! 

Time goes so fast, and I can't imagine wasting a moment of it on things that just don't matter in the big scheme of things. 

I've been granted this miracle.  This precious little boy who fought so hard along side his brother. 
I am so proud of the strength of my little miracles.  And I know Zac will be cheering Evan on as he begins school without him by his side.  Maybe that is part of the sadness for me.  I know I should be preparing my two sons.  I know I should be feeling more secure and sure of this day next year because they should have been facing this big day together.  Giving each other strength, courage and assurance.
I should have been preparing double the school supplies, packing two back packs and dressing my two lil' men.

I guess that will always be a part of big milestones, just as it is a part of every day.

But I know that Evan will do amazing. 

So, instead of stressing and obsessing about things to come in another YEAR...I will slow down, embrace each of these days we are granted, and have FUN FUN FUN!