I am still confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the Lord
Psalm 27: 13-14

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Goodbye my sweet friend...

In loving memory of my sweet first furbaby, Tag.  RIP - January 23, 2012.  10 1/2 yrs old.

We received this plaster mold of Tag's paw today in the mail from the vet college.  How precious to have!

For a while now we knew our sweet Tag was getting close to our time to say goodbye.  But how can one EVER "prepare" for such a moment.  Of course, we always prayed he would just go to sleep and one morning we would wake to him resting in peace.  But that was not how it was to play out.

At 1am on the 23rd of this month, Tag kept needing to go outside, but wouldn't actually do anything.  Then after 1am I noticed him hunched over in our hallway.  I thought he was going to be sick, however, when I turned on the lights I saw blood down our hall runners.  Sadly Tag had started to bleed out from his rear end.  And it was that moment we knew our time had come.

I made the call to our vets office, which was closed, but patched our call through to the Vet Clinic on our university campus.  I explained what was happening, and that we felt it was time that we had no other choice but to say goodbye to our sweet boy.  We couldn't even try to make him wait until our own vet opened later that morning.  The clinic advised that they would be waiting for Tag and Brett, and had an emergency team waiting for them. 

What a moment to prepare to take our sweet boy for a final ride in the truck.  I just sat by Tag while Brett got dressed and gathered himself, and I just hugged and kissed him and thanked him for the many years he unconditionally loved me and took care of me and protected me and got me through so many difficult days.
Our other boxer, Bailey, stayed by his side too.

My final memory of Tag was getting to see how happy and excited he was to get to go for a final ride in the truck.  My final memory of Tag was of him at peace, and happy, and still his sweet sweet self.
And for that I am grateful.  We didn't have to ever see him in agony or complete demise. 
But watching him still so much his happy self made it just that much harder to say goodbye.

After Brett left, Bailey just stayed by the back door, pacing and drooling and whining.  She knew.  And I think she had known for a while, as the two of them would lay on the same pillow glued side by side for days before hand.  Even the day before this all happened, I should have known.  Tag would not leave my side for an instant, and was doing things that normally made him nervous, just to be by me.  So in my own heart I knew as well that something was on the rise.

What painful, and sad days these past few days have been.  And I received some other saddening news later that same morning we lost Tag...so instead of finding a ray of light, I found myself walking a dark road...and that just piled everything up.

Tag was the MOST amazing dog I've ever known.  So loving, SUCH a clown at heart, so protective and gentle.  He always found a way to make you laugh, and always made you feel so unbelievably and unconditionally loved and not judged.  He was truely my best friend.

It's hard now watching Bailey try to figure out where her brother is.  She is pretty down.  And that's hard to watch.  I've always worried about how she would react when we would have to say goodbye to Tag.  So I've had her with us EVERYWHERE we go, and have gone to the off-leash park the past 2 days.  I know people don't think dogs "get it" or feel grief...but I beg to differ.  Dogs know emotion.  I know they know emotion.  All you have to do is look in to your dogs eyes when YOU are hurting, and you see that all they want to do is take that saddness away.  And when they lose their partner...they grieve.

I choose to believe that heaven holds a special place for our sweet furbabies.  I like to believe that my heavenly children were there waiting to greet their turn with Tag.  I imagine all 4 of my heavenly angels taking turns hugging Tag and loving him.  And that's what I keep in my mind and heart.

We always say how fast time goes by.  But when you lose someone you love...you realize just HOW fast that time goes.  We had Tag for 10 1/2 years.  That's a lot for a boxer.  But I still remember the day we went to "just look" at him, planning not to jump in to buying him...but we saw him, bought him and never looked back.  I remember holding him in a blanket on the way home, the way he snuggled in to my neck.  I remember every year with him.  He was amazing, and he will never be matched.
Don't get me wrong, I LOVE and ADORE my Bailey as well in her own way, and the day we have to say goodbye to her...will be another heart wrenching day.  She is my lover-doggy.  My compassionate one.  All she cares about is pleasing us and making us happy and loving us to no end.

What a treasure our pets our.  They are more than just animals.  They are our family.  And losing one of them is losing family.

We love you always sweet Tag, and you will never EVER be forgotten!

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Unexpected zinger...

Tonight Brett, Evan and I were playing Hungry Hippo.  Evan loves this game!
But as the three of us were playing and giggling...it hit me...that fourth empty hippo spot where Zac would have been laughing and cheating along with his brother.
And it stung.  Of course it stung...it always will sting.

But on we carried with our game.  And the laughter carried on as well.

These moments will always come.  I know that.  It just always catches my breath when they hit.

Loving all my angels along with my earthly miracle!

Friday, January 6, 2012

Some times you get a smack when you need it...

I'm reading a book called Intercessory Prayer by Dutch Sheets.  I want to learn more about prayer, because I feel like a prayer mouse...certainly no prayer warrior.  And I want to become a warrior.
Not a crazed bible-thumping, cliche spurting neurotic...I just want to know HOW to pray more effectively.
And whenever I heard the term "intercessory prayer groups/people"...I thought of them as "bible-thumping, cliche spurtic neurotics".  I'm sorry...I certainly do NOT mean to be disrespectful.  Not in the least!  This is just me being honest to myself.  I just never UNDERSTOOD what intercessory prayer really was!

As I have been reading this book...I can't put it down.  I hate having to stop.  I'm learning so much, and it is stretching me and testing me and, well, lets say it like it is...convicting me.  In a GOOD way!  Not condemning me...not shunning me for my lack of prayer life or strength...just convicting me in the sense that there is SO much to be learned!!

Today I texted a friend.  That text simply said "Lacking hope today..."
I was.  I fight with that.  I fight with optimism and pessimism.  I struggle with days of stength of a lion and days of the weakness of a fly.
Today felt more a struggle for me because my mind started to over-power the truth that no matter what...God loves me.  No matter what may lay ahead...He will carry me through.  My choice is to allow Him to love me and carry me, or for me to try to "take over" and manage it on my own.

This afternoon I was walking on my treadmill and reading (yes, I multitask that way from time to time...which tells you how "hard" my "workout" really was!) and at the end of one chapter a sentence simply said:


(Yes, I'm adding the bold, italic larger font!)

And that was the loving smack on the back of the head that I needed to hear from God today.
Deny unbelief access!  My mind is powerful in wanting to "take over".  My mind is weak to the battle at times.  My mind creates scenarios and situations that have not (and may never) come to pass.  But because of that simple allowance of letting unbelief enter my mind...I lose.  I lose the battle.  And I start to crumble.  And I don't like it...and I don't want it.  Not now.  Not ever.

We will always have our less than perfect days.  We will always feel a degree of weakness.  Of course the enemy wants us to hear the whispers of unbelief.  But we can slam the door on it.  We CAN choose to ignore the lies.  It's not always easy.  I'll never say it is.  But we NEED to deny that unbelief.  We NEED to hold firm to the promises of God, that no matter what...good or bad, joyful or painful, planned as we desired or NOT planned as we desired...God WILL give us the comfort, strength and courage to move forward.

Today I needed a smack...and I got it.  And I'm glad!