I am still confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the Lord
Psalm 27: 13-14

Thursday, June 14, 2012

A first...

So, this past weekend I experienced a first.  A first of being away from Evan overnight since he came home from NICU!!  And it was...wierd.

I know there are many who wouldn't find this a big deal.  One night.  Literally less than 24 hours apart. 

For me...that was the longest night ever.  The 66 days Evan and I had to be apart through the nights while he was in NICU...that was enough to last me a lifetime!

I'm not one who feels the need or desire to be away.  Doesn't feel the necessity to "get away".
That is just not me.  I waited too many years, experienced too many losses and too much sadness to have nights together with Evan to ever WANT to be away from him.

HOWEVER...the reason for being away was a valid, and GOOD one!  My oldest, dearest best friend is getting married next month, and it was her bridal shower!!!  And I am her Matron of Honor at the wedding!  So it was truly a good reason to have to be away for the night!  And I am so very glad that I went for her!!  She has been such a treasured friend, since we were 5 years old!! 
She lives in the next province...6'ish hours away. 
We have remained friends through all these years, though we've hardly lived in the same province together since our friendship began!  But there are cherished memories!
And while I was living at the hospital before having Zac and Evan...she came for me!  She came on her spring break (she is a teacher) and brought marking to do while she sat by my side to keep me company and watch over me.  She is just that kind of friend.  That particular memory brings tears to my eyes every time I think of her at the hospital with me.  Forever grateful, forever blessed!
So I am so, so, SO glad that I was able to be able to share a joyous occassion with her!!

And though I felt frustrated each time I heard "it will be good for you", (being away for the night), I knew I'd survive.  As I knew Evan and Brett would do just fine without me :)  And, we all survived and did great! 

I have to say, I feel proud of myself for going, without dragging Evan and Brett on a road trip! 

However..."good for me"...I don't know if being apart from Evan is EVER "good" for me. 
I know what it's like to be apart from my son.  I didn't like it those 66 nights, and I don't think I will EVER like that feeling of being apart.  Even when he is grown, in college and married.  It will still sting.

And I know what it's like to be apart from my children in heaven, my Zac, Ethan, Jack and Whisper. 

It's never a "good" feeling being apart.

My flight both to and from the wedding shower was under not the sunniest of weather.  Rain and cloud.  Grey and rainy.  Yuck!  Yet...once we rose over those clouds...AMAZING!  Blue blue blue skies!  Sun and blue skies!  It was unreal!  And I couldn't help but tear up a few times.  I just felt God all around me!
Over those clouds and yucky grey skies...there was this amazing blue beauty and sunshine.

It reminded me a lot of how my heart can feel some days.  The clouds of sorrow and missing my children so very much...but then...there it is...beauty, sunshine, laughter, joy...hope.  The clouds and sadness of missing my children have a place...but sunshine is always there.  It is always there through the storm.  The cloud lifts and the sunshine pours through.  Does that make any sense?  It does to me, so I guess that's really all that matters.
We all have our grey days, and that should be okay.  As long as we rise above and push through and find that blue, sunshine sky.  We have to!  I have to!!!  No matter how much turbulence along the way!

I tell you, while I was away, though I was having a wonderful time celebrating such a joyful answer to prayer for my friend in her engagement...I had one little face in mind the whole time.  Evan!  All I could think about was feeling his little arms wrap around my neck when he and Brett came to pick me up from the airport.  I felt like a little kid just waiting for the biggest surprise ever.
We hadn't told Evan a thing about me leaving.  It would have worked him up, and I just wanted it to feel as normal a day as possible.  And I knew I'd be back before he woke up the next morning.
And seriously...when he saw me at the airport...the way his face lit up...filled me up so so so much!
And those little arms tightly wrapped around me...COME ON!!!  The BEST!

It was a first of many first's to come.  First's that may not be too comfortable for me, but that must happen at some time. 
Evan keeps talking about school and wanting to go.  Though as soon as I remind him that school is a special place for just him, his teacher and his friends...he reconsiders and tells me "well, I'm not ready YET mommy".  But the idea of his first day of preschool...yes, I WILL indeed be a mess as I walk away from that classroom.  I WILL indeed cry.  I WILL very likely sit out front of that school until it's time to pick him up! 

Some first's...some I do not look forward to.  Though, each of those first's means that life moves forward.  We grow.  We learn.  We branch out.  We keep moving forward through uncertain days and situations, and we keep hoping.  And watching the beauty of what is, and the hope of what is to come.

I don't know...I may just be babbling right now.  But these are just the thoughts in my mind right now.  Thinking of the first's we have had, and those to come.  I'm grateful to be able to experience any of them.  I never thought I would.  Almost didn't.  So now, even though some first's may be uncomfortable for my mommy heart...I'm just grateful that I get to have them!

Friday, June 1, 2012

Joy in struggle

It has been one of "those" days.  One where every single pain, worry, struggle and frustration hits all at once.  One of those days where I struggle to keep the smile on my face and the tears out of my eyes.  One of those days where I can feel the adrenalin of worry and self condemnation coursing through my veins...literally.  One of those days where the lies of the enemy are ringing loud and clear...though I know they are just that...lies. 

But there is always joy in "those" days.  His name is Evan.  And he is my earthly angel, my living son.  He is my joy, my heart, my breath, my everything.  He reminds me to fight through the hard days.  He reminds me to fight for the light in the darkness.  He is my living reminder that miracles can and do happen. 

He reminds me to be silly.  To cry if I need to, but to wipe my tears and giggle along side him.  He reminds me to focus on the simple things in each day.  I new animal at the zoo, a plane in the sky, a hotair balloon floating by, a fly tickling his neck...and the joy of blue bubble gum ice cream dripping all over his face.

Yes, the struggles, the pains, the reality of life remain...but they silence for a while.  They become more of a dull grind on my mind instead of the jack-hammer that rattles my soul from time to time when the harsh facts of areas of our journey just can't end, but don't get easier.

I am beyond grateful for this little boy who reminds me of so much I need to remember.  I am beyond blessed for the honor of parenting this little wonder.  Of watching him growing in to such a BOY!  SO grateful for the silliness of the simple things in life.  So beyond grateful for the reminder that no matter how our journey ends...I have more than I ever dreamed of!  And I get to see his smile every morning when he wakes up, and feel his arms wrap around my neck, and hear him say "I love you mommy!"

The journey can be so rough and dark at times.  Today started in that direction.
But my sweet boy brought back the joy of today, and all that I have!
I am so grateful, and so truly in love with our son! 

My heart and soul!

These amazing collage photos were done by our AWESOME photographer, Lisa Landrie, who put on a mini photo shoot called "Mother's of May".  These photo shoots were done on a donation basis, and ALL proceeds were donated to the Canadian Cancer Society.

After the losses we have been through, and through personal loss that Lisa experienced in her own family, this photo shoot and this fundraiser was VERY special to my heart, and I was so happy to learn of what Lisa was doing. 
Evan and I had a GREAT time!!!