I am still confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the Lord
Psalm 27: 13-14

Monday, August 13, 2012

Cutest ringbearer ever!! (I'm biased!)

What can I say!?  I'm biased!!  Is this not the CUTEST ring bearer you've EVER seen!
And he's all mine :)

I don't often get a chance to update here, and honestly don't really know what to say much anymore.  But I wanted to take some time to do some bragging and sharing of my thoughts these days.

On the weekend we were at wedding 3 of 4 for this summer.
The first, I had the honor of being the "maid" of honour to my best friend and longest childhood friend.
Wedding two was one of our nephew's.
And this past weekend was wedding three of another of our nephew's.  And for this one  was the one that Evan was a part of.
Talk about a heart-stealer! :) 
Both on my hubby's side.

This one was a carnival theme.  HOW FUN!  It was held at an older movie theatre and each guest received a popcorn and pop before being seated.  It was adorable!

Evan wasn't too sure Friday night at the rehersal. But then again, he kind of got tossed in to the mix with people he didn't really know...so the shyness won over.  By the end of the rehersal he made friends with the older flower girl and things were better.  PHEW!!  I was worried.
And then at the wedding...he ROCKED his role!! 
That's my boy!!!

As he walked down the aisle...I wanted to tear up just picturing the day he may choose to get married.  The thought of his life beginning with some very lucky, and precious woman.
And I had to slow down the mind game of the future!

I look at this precious little boy and still, I feel stunned most days that I've been blessed with the honour of being his mom. 
I know I blow it a lot with days of frustration and lack of patience...but I will never be too "mommy" or big to admit my bad moments, and will always humble myself to say to my son "I am sorry for my behaviour, Evan!"
Which is exactly what I had to do over the weekend ;)

I don't know what the future holds. 
I dream of being fortunate enough to share our lives and love with another child, but I don't know if that is in the game plan of God 's playbook for our family.
We have two frozen embryos (blastocytes) left.
What may happen?
I don't know. 
I can't know.
Only God knows.

I know what I would LIKE to see happen.  Of course I pray life for these little ones.  But I just don't know what is in store.  And that is a tough pill to swallow.
It's not just a matter of going for a transfer and viola.
Not at all.
And it's not that WE get the choice as to whether or not we have another child/ren.
Nope, not at all.
Each transfer everything is out of our hands.
And that is tough.
But I'm praying.

When will it happen?  WILL it happen?
Who knows.

But I do know that I am forever grateful for all that our IVF road has led us to.
Yes, heart break and grief in spades. 
But joy and gratitude as well!
Yes, 4 of our 5 children live in heaven and I will not get to meet them again until then.
But our son Evan...what a treasure.  What a pleasure.  What a true honour to be his earthly mommy.  What a blessing to hear my little boy say at bedtime "sweet dreams mommy".

Do I pray for the honour of parenting another living child?  Yes.  I will admit that. whole-heartedly!
Do I dream of watching and hearing Evan being a big brother?  Absolutely!  No questions about that!
Does it still hurt, and do I still struggle with the ugliness of jealousy when hearing another pregnancy announcement and seeing ultra sound pictures?  I won't lie.  Jealousy rears its UGLY head.  No matter how thrilled I am for that person.

But does my blessing of Evan mean any less for my wants of the future? 
Not a chance!

Evan is my blessing, my treasure, my breathe, my soul, a gift beyond measure.
And I am blessed to be his mommy!

Just LOOK at the above picture of my boy!!! 
How can my heart be anything but mush when I get to see that silly face he makes, and see the handsome young boy he is becoming!

One day I pray that my hopes and desires of the future tame.  Whatever the end results of our path leads us to.
I pray that the struggle of not feeling our family is complete will feel without a doubt complete if that time comes with just Brett, Evan and I at the end of it all.

Will it hurt any less?  Probably not for a long while.  Until I learn life over without the world of IVF and FETs surrounding me.

But right now...I pray.  And keep hoping.
And keep watching my son, and raising him the very best I can and how he deserves.

And I pray for others who understand exactly where I am coming from in this post.  Those whose hearts are heavy.  Those who know the struggle I am talking about.  And those who feel the same blessing and desires as I do.
I am praying for you!!  Truly!  Now and always!
Praying for God's blessing and very best for your family as well. 

Well, today is a RARE (and I DO mean RARE) day that Evan has gone down for a rest.  He has a bit of a stuffy nose (too many late nights, and doesn't help that I was hit with a head cold).  But I expect that he will be getting up shortly, so I should go get organized.
We have the pleasure of having our nephew Mason here to help out while his day home is on some much deserved holidays.
What a blast watching these two cousins!
Mason is 4 months younger than Evan.
Technically, had life turned out the way it SHOULD have, Mason would only have been 2 months younger than Zac and Evan, and all THREE would be playing together today...but that's another mind-bender for another day!
It is SO fun watching Evan and Mason together, and SO fun that Evan has a cousin so close in age!  So it really is a treat to get to have Mason to ourselves for a while!

But both the boys crashed for a nap this afternoon, so I better run and get a few things done before they both wake :)

Blessings to you all!