I am still confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the Lord
Psalm 27: 13-14

Friday, June 12, 2009

By popular demand...

Me and my girlfriend Marley!! Marley's mom made us these matching shirts!!
June 12, 2009 - rolling around playing with mom and my toys!
Crashing with mommy. I make her pretty tired :)
Chillin' in my vibrating bouncy chair. What a strange sensation!!
Chillin' with mommy and one of my doggies Bailey.
OK, so it's a bit trickier blogging these days! Little bean keeps me jumping and when he is sleeping I'm TRYING to sleep too, but tend to end up doing everything else that needs to be done. Ya...I can see why people use no sleep as a form of torture...you just can't function and think straight! But, it's a good tiredness. I don't feel like I should ever have "bad" days or frustrating or tired days. I always feel like I should be go go go and never feel sad or confused with the emotion of it all. Needless to say this has been catching up with me and I have been struggling greatly these past few days. I am in heaven watching Evan growing leaps and bounds and watching him become more vocal (loves to coo when playing on the floor) and just seeing the little guy he is turning in to. Yet my heart has been aching so deeply with missing my little Zac. And I just don't know how to process it all. I feel angry at times that God would take him away...yet these children have never truly been MINE. They are God's gift to us for whatever time He has planned. These are children created by God and WE are the ones who have been blessed to have them in our lives. I didn't "earn" or "deserve" them. We've been blessed. And even though our time with Zac was unbelievably too short...I do cherish that I had time with this precious little boy.
You know, I was thinking the other day...I hear about all these people who have followed my blog religiously and how it has touched lives...and I'd really like to hear from those who would like to share HOW it has impacted you. Maybe it would help in the healing process of my grief and sorrow. I'd love if people would email me and just share how you have been affected by our journey and by Zac's life and Evan's life. My email address is heather_johnson@shaw.ca (heather underscore johnson at shaw dot ca)
So...the picture of Evan with his girlfriend Marley. This precious little girl was one of Evan's NICU pals. They were in the same bays for the longest time and we were blessed to get to know Marley and her parents, who have become special people in our lives. I just wish they lived in Saskatoon so we could be closer to each other! Anyhow, Leah became a source of strength and encouragement to me, and continues to do this. It is something else to have someone share the journey and fears of being a preemie/NICU mom. Little Marley went through a lot. She was born at 27 weeks and had setbacks that would have rocked my world. Pneumonia and an infection and on ventilators and CPAP...yet this precious little angle soldiered forward. I tell you...these NICU babies put us adults to shame!! They have such determination and fight in them!! Anyhow, as time went on we started calling Evan and Marley boyfriend and girlfriend, and Leah and I have already determined they are going to get married some day!! hee hee hee.
Leah and Mitch had given us this t-shirt for Evan that matched Marley's that says "Hello, my name is Evan. I'm new here." Our goal is to get together as often as we can and watch as these two little angels grow in to their t-shirts!! So this is photo one! Mitch, Leah and Marley were in town for Marley's appointment so they were able to come over to our house for a visit. Man, was that ever the best. It felt so good to be together with them and share time OUTSIDE of the NICU!
I've been having Evan playing on the floor more and he loves to roll back and forth and has really started cooing away and watching his toys. I just need one of those floor jungle gyms with the hanging toys! He'd LOVE that!!
Poor little guy has had a stuffy nose the past few days so his sleep has been interupted and he gets frustrated. Thank heavens for saline drops. But I feel so bad for him. His temperature is normal so that is good. But I'm constantly picking boogers from his nose. Sorry, I know that's gross. TRUST ME...kid boogers have always been a point of queeziness for me...but now I have to do what I have to do...and then GAG later!! :)
Mom and I are taking Evan to get weighed this afternoon. I'm hoping it is a good increase again! He generally does really well at an ounce a day. 1/2 an ounce to an ounce is what is liked to be seen...so he is pretty good with the weight gains. I still haven't tried him back on a full feed of formula. He's still just on 2 feeds with 1/2 teaspoon of formula in 100mls of my milk for his caloric intake. I try to add just a touch more formula to see if he can stomach it. I'm scared to try the full on bottle of forumla though because I HATE that gagging issue! Maybe I'll try on a weekend when Brett is here, and I'll give Evan the Oval before his feed. But if he could take the full feed, he'd be gaining weight even quicker!
I'm sitting in my living room staring longingly out my front window at how GORGEOUS it looks outside!! Maybe I'll try taking Evan for a walk a little later. I'd LOVE to catch some sun and get some color on my pasty skin! UGH!!
Well, I suppose I should get going. We will be leaving soon for the big weigh, and Evan is still napping so I better take this opportunity to make myself look presentable to the public!!
Keep the prayers going for Evan. Please pray that his nose will no longer be bothered with stuffiness, and that he will soon be able to digest the full formula feeds. And just for general health and protection.
For myself, please pray that I will no longer be over taken with unreal fears of the "what ifs". I find that my fears are overtaking me and stealing my peace and joy. I guess I just feel like I couldn't protect three of my previous children, and I'm scared that something would go wrong now with Evan. Stupid dumb attacks from the enemy, I know...but it's what I'm dealing with. And I could really use the prayer and support. Pray that my sorrow and grief in missing Zac would not overtake me either and that I will continue to focus my strength on Evan and Brett in the joy of each new day.
Thanks everyone!


  1. Your boy is so precious! I am glad to hear that he is doing so well.


  2. he is so precious! and you are just gorgeous!!

  3. What precious pics! It's fun to hear about Evan's first girlfriend ;-) Praying for you as you settle into life at home with Evan and as you deal with the after shock of losing Zac. I know there are days and times throughout the day that your heart is overcome with the sorrow...that is SO normal and it takes a LOT of time to heal. I know that must be really hard with Evan as a constant reminder of what could have been. I'm praying the Lord will continue to comfort you as we don't always understand His ways, but He is clear in His amazing love for us. HUGS and Prayers!