I am still confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the Lord
Psalm 27: 13-14

Monday, August 10, 2009

My babies "birthdays"

Well, on the 6th Evan turned 5 mths (just over 2 mths corrected)...and so did Zac. On the 9th Zac had his 5 mth "heaven birthday". Yesterday was really really hard for me. Every memory came flooding back, as did feelings of guilt. Why my body? Why did my body fail yet another baby? Why our baby? Why did he have to go through this, and why did he have to be taken away? I think of the morning we received the news of Zac's brain bleed going up to the NICU and talking to him and his eyes searching for us. I will never forget that...and as precious as it was...it haunts me. Knowing one moment our baby was alive and looking at us, and the next hour...he was gone. I hate it. I hate it so much. I hate that this happened. And I hate what our family of what was supposed to be four has gone through. I hate that Evan will not grow up with his brother. I've had many more better moments but still not a day without tears. The other day I went to Parable book store. It forced me to realize something. I realized just how angry I really am at God. Sorry if that doesn't sound "christianly"...but it's the raw truth. I hate the position I am in. I look at Evan and I see the power of prayer and God's answers. Then I think of Zac and wonder why prayer seemed to fail Zac, and why God needed Zac with Him and not us. I know that prayers were answered by me not going in to labour that 23rd week and the next 5 weeks...but I am SO angered by the whole circumstance. I'm sick and tired of going through grief, and wonder when a lesson will involve some joy instead of loss. I think things hit because on June 26th our first set of twins would have turned one year old...and no remembered. No one mentioned anything. I guess this was different because they were an earlier miscarriage...but still...I was a bit sad. Not that I expected people to remember. But, honestly...I'm terrified this will happen with Zac too. That no one will speak about him. I'm so angry/sad that we didn't let our immediate family come to the NICU in the first few days to meet Zac and see him so that he would be even more "real" to them and to connect with him. But at the time our focus was Zac and we didn't believe that our family would need to be coming to have him engraved in their memories and minds. But still...I wish more of our immediate family would have met him in person and in life. Yesterday we went to the cemetery and took Evan with us. We put two roses on Zac's gravesite. I talked to Evan and told him that this was where Zac's earthly body was, but that he is waiting for us in heaven. I told Evan that on their first birthday we will go to the cemetery and share a cupcake and blow kisses to Zac. I'm still bewildered every time I go to the cemetery trying to wrap my head around the reality of life. I don't know if this is all part of the grief process or what. I don't feel angry all the time, but the sad moments are still there...yet I can now hide them a bit better. Don't get me wrong...my days and minutes with our precious Evan are filled with such joy. I don't know how I could go on if something had happened to him. He brings such happiness and laughter. And the older he gets the funnier he becomes. He is so expressive, and so full of smiles and chatters. I bought a book while I was at Parable about a family who loses their son to cancer. I know that this must seem depressing and unwise...but I NEED to see how others manage, and how as parents you don't lose faith and hope in God. It will be a very difficult book to read...but as a parent who has lost a child, I think it might help. I hope that it will help to walk through anothers journey. Anyhow, I just needed to share that. At Evan's baby shower I received a particularly special card from a friend. Inside was a "poem" of sorts. I don't know if she wrote it herself or if it was from another place, but I wanted to share it with you all.
All of our babies are presents from God.
Presents that are merely on loan.
To us He's entrusted these most precious gifts
As if they were truly our own.
Some leases we hold on these bundles of love
Are for short term, but others for long.
But never at any time should we forget
To whom they all really belong.
God has in our care then allowed them to be
To nurture, to love, and to train.
To teach them of God's plan for living
Setting values for them to attain.
Life's great hourglass for us mortals can't pause
The sand never stops flowing through.
When the babies grow on and depart from the nest
We have done for them all we can do.
The time they are babies lasts only so long
They appear and then soon they are gone.
They, too, will get presents of God's very own
The continuous cycle moves on.
In time all these 'presents' to God will return
Be their span of life short or extended.
For their ultimate destiny lies solely with Him
It is all just as God has intended.
I try to focus on the fact that my boys were/are a gift. And we were granted precious moments with Zac before his destiny came to a close. I try to remember all the lives he has touched. And I pray that Zac will never be forgotten, and that people will still say his name.
Evan is a gift that we have been allowed to treasure here on earth. And I will never take that for granted!!
As frustrating as it is to be in this place of answered prayer and what feels like unanswered prayer...I will still fight to keep my relationship with God straight. No matter what...Zac is still with us and one day we will be together again. In the meantime I can be thankful that he is in the best care possible outside of our own. And I will do the very very very best that I can for Evan here on earth!!


  1. I know how much it hurts Heather. I'm so very sorry! I think it is VERY normal to cry each day at this point. 5 months really is not very long and you have had so many changes. I still cry most days and I've been hugely blessed with a little one since our twins died. It was about 10 months before I had a day or two that I didn't cry. HUGS and many many prayers for you as you celebrate Evan and miss your precious Zac and Ethan and Jack too! May the Lord comfort your grieving heart...and remember to not be too hard on yourself :-) Remember what we used to say: ONE minute at a time (((((Heather))))))

  2. My heart aches for you hon. I will never forget Zac, Ethan or Jack, although I'm so sorry I didn't remember what would have been their first Birthday :{
    You are all in my prayers.xx

  3. I sm so sorry for your many losses. There are others who share your very real pain. There is a support network called CLIMB ( center for loss in multiple birth ) It's so hard to be joyful that one twin is doing well while you are actively grieving the loss of their twin. I will keep you in my prayers.

  4. Heather,
    I am SO sorry for all you are going through! I know how difficult it is still over 6 years later for me! Even when I go places now, and people ask me how many kids I have, the right answer to me is 5, but I usually say 4. It is so draining... I know exactly how you are feeling... Praying for you guys!