I am still confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the Lord
Psalm 27: 13-14

Saturday, January 29, 2011

Too quickly...

Evan's big boy bed!!  Crazy!!! 

Wondering who will get more in their mouths...Evan or the dogs!  Cheerio extravagganza!

Evan's new chair/couch!!  Doesn't he look so proud!!

Bailey over-taking Evan's new couch!!  Between her and Tag...Evan has to fight for his spot!!

 Pizza night on the couch...a rare treat to eat free on the couch!!

Evan so proud of his new-found "drilling" abilities!  hee hee hee

It's going too fast.  Time is going much too fast.
Evan is growing up much to quickly!
I can't stop time.
Some days I wish I could just pause it a little longer!

A couple of nights ago the three of us were eating dinner at the table and I just suddenly found tears rolling down my face.  My husband asking what was wrong.  And all I could do was look at Evan and say "he is just so amazing, and so fun to watch as he grows.  It's happening too fast!"

On one hand you are just so thrilled at how advanced he seems to be, especially for being so premature.  Prematurity has not hindered my little man at all. 
It will never be an excuse for him.
For that we are blessed.

On the other hand I just wish time could slow down just a little bit, because I want to savour every moment, experience, memory, feeling, smile, tear, wonder...

I watch Evan and wonder who he will become.  I see Evan, and see how inquisitive he is, and how easily he seems to catch on to things...and how very very determined he is.
I wonder what or how much of an influence I will be in the future of who he becomes.
I pray that I will be a positive influence.  A strong influence.  An encouraging influence.

There are days where I catch myself thinking "oh man, I have to get "so and so" in check...I don't want Evan learning this, or remembering this of me". 

There are strengths in me that I hope Evan develops.  There are weaknesses in me that I hope Evan never knows. 
But in the end, I pray that the person GOD has willed Evan to be will be the person he becomes.

He is such an amazing little boy...and I pray I can do the best that he deserves.

In another way time gives you reason to see how fast it goes.
On Jan 30th...this will mark 2 years since I woke that dreadful morning to stand in a pool of amniotic fluid.
And the memories just continue to be so overwhelming.
Memories follow you...but not being in our old house any more, and not facing that bathroom on that date...that helps.  It doesn't heal, but it helps.
I still feel like I'm in a world of shock, denial, confusion, hurt, anger and on and on.
How can I not.
I miss Zac.  I always will.

The dreams we had of our sons growing up together will never be reality.

I have no idea what my future holds, but I have to believe that I know WHO holds my future.  And I have to believe that God will sustain us through whatever path or valley may be ahead of us.

I often think of our 6 little "totsicles" waiting.  Frozen in time...literally.
I miss them desperately, but am terrified of moving forward.
If you are a person of prayer...please pray for me, and for our little ones "in waiting".

Well, lets get back to Evan for a moment.
Like I say, he is doing amazing.
I watch him and think what he does is typical, and then realize...he isn't even 2, and he is walking up and down stairs like a pro.  He loves to color and draw and it is amazing to listen to him as he flips through books and tells me "stories".  What REALLY blew me away the other day is we were doing one of his Melissa & Doug puzzles of the alphabet and he was PUTTING THE LETTERS IN THE RIGHT PLACES AND TELLING ME WHAT THEY WERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Not ALL of them, but a lot of them.  My jaw just dropped!
I think he gets these things from mommy! :)
He is also a HUGE helper!  He LOVES to help unload the dishwasher and is in charge of passing me the cutlery.  After each piece he says "thank you!"
And the latest is that he loves to help me unload the dryer and then reload it with the wet clothes.  He also loves loading the washing machine.  AND gets a kick out of helping me "fold" clothes! 
I hope that habit sticks when he's older!!!  hee hee hee.

I found myself looking through pictures the other night from when I was pregnant, and then when the boys were born and then the months since Evan came home.  I cried through them all.  Happy memories, moments that I wish could have been longer (like being pregnant the full duration and watching how massive I would have gotten!!!), memories of disbelief that we were finally parents of living children.  Wonder of Evan growing and seeing how he has changed! 
Ya...talk about realizing how fast time goes!!

Anyhow, just thought I'd share some updates and some thoughts and some struggles.  I still struggle with the "why's" and with dealing with broken dreams even though our reality holds much joy.  Still struggling with that tug of war of joy and sorrow.  Still trying to figure out how to breathe some days.  And still struggling to find my way fully back to the God who I know loves me more than life.  I'm trying though.

One day at a time!  One foot in front of the other.
What more can a person do!

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