I am still confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the Lord
Psalm 27: 13-14

Monday, June 6, 2011

Update, and what I have been learning...

 "Riding" the bear at the Calgary Zoo!

Evan LOVED all the bright fish!

Well, we'll start with a quick update.  Things are good.  Evan is wonderful and growing more and more each day.  Talking up a storm and loving riding his bikes (which he calls motorbikes because he LOVES motorbikes!), and still loving every sport imaginable!  We have discovered he has quite the amazing golf swing!! 
He is either going to be one busy kid, or he'll have to choose carefully the sports he wants to do the most!
He is the light of my life, and we are just having such a blast with him the more verbal and independent he is becoming!  He is definitely polite, but opinionated!  Hmmmm, wonder who he takes after! 

We made a trip to Medicine Hat and Calgary last week, which was fun.  And we finally got to take Evan to the Calgary Zoo!!  Brett and I haven't been there in 14 years, so this was just as big of an adventure for us as it was for Evan.  And Evan just LOVED the animals!  And running freely of course!  We went early enough where there weren't too many crowds, but by the end we kept him in very close sight! 

It's fun to get away, but good to be home too.  Even if it's back to the noise and dirt of all the construction around us!  But I'm actually getting "used" to it.  So it doesn't really bother me.

What DOES bother me is as the houses begin to go up farther behind us...I am bound to lose the view of Zac's cemetery tree line...and for some reason that really bothers me.  At least I have that clear view now.  Yes, it's hard to see it with the realization of how wrong it is not to have Zac HERE in our HOME with all of us where he belongs.  And I know, he really isn't THERE in that cemetery or casket.  I know he is home...his true home.  And I know he runs freely, and laughs...and I can just see those gorgeous, precious eyes of his...just as they found my eyes when he would hear my voice...I know he knows he is loved and missed.  But I know he does not want me to be sad all the time.  I know he wants me to live and love and laugh and make him proud. 

Back to our trip.  Evan did AMAZING on both the drive up and back.  I would sit in the back with him from time to time and we'd watch a movie or draw on his AquaDoodle or read or just be silly together.
While we were in Calgary Evan was GLUED to his big cousin Jacob (who is in grade 7).  Evan just followed him around every where and just LOVED Jacob!!  One night when I was putting Evan to bed and he had already fallen asleep he started to jabber in his sleep and then I heard him say Jacob's name!  It was ADORABLE!!
And Jacob was an awesome big cousin to entertain Evan so well!!  Jacob...you are hired!!!  Come for a week and stay with us this summer!! :) hee hee hee.

Now, on to what I've been learning lately.
Things have been busy.  And I had been feeling so unbelievably anxious and stressed.  Not unusual for me to feel that way.
One day, I had enough.
I was SOOOOO tired of feeling that gut wrenching stress and worry.  And so tired of telling myself over and over how much I didn't like feeling that way.
I had shared those feelings with a friend.  She prayed...and I knew it...because I knew God was working in me HUGE!
Through days where I would normally feel off the wall stress with circumstances...I felt unbelievable peace.  I felt such an UNfamiliar calm.  I began to REALLY believe it when I would tell myself that all I can do is live for the day, and that none of the common "dark" scenarios of the future that I would create had a place in my mind or my life any more!  I was done.  I AM done with that.  I am so tired of feeling a heaviness.  I am so tired of worrying...or should I say, CREATING worry about a future that is unknown to me.  What good was it doing me?  What good could it have been doing all these years?
NO good!
Just heaviness, and doubt, and fear, and frustration...
just what the enemy would want, DID want, DOES want.

But he doesn't have me any more!

Ya sure, I'm going to have moments, and I'm going to feel those nerves from time to time...but I'm learning where my strength TRULY comes from.  I'm living out the truth.  I'm not just saying the religious jargon and verbal cliches any more.  I'm LIVING it!  Because I WANT to live it.  I WANT to feel God's presence.  I WANT to feel His strength, and His guidance, and His peace, and His assurance that through whatever circumstance and whatever my future may or may not hold...it's in HIS hands...and He has ME in His hands as well.

Purchasing a few new AWESOME CD's have certainly helped too.  Music has always been a key for my heart and my hinderances.  And these CD's have been SOOOOOOO good for me!  I listen to them EVERY day, and every time I'm in my vehicle.

I've also started reading a book recommended by a wonderful friend.  It's called Psalm 91 by Peggy Joyce Ruth and Angelia Ruth Schum.
How Psalm 91 is a shield for us from God...HOWEVER, many lessons am I learning in devouring this book!
It goes through Psalm 91 verse by verse...and it is AMAZING!  I really recommend it!!

I know the enemy knows my weaknesses.  I know he knows where to go in for the kill to pull me down.  And I'm learning more and more how I need to protect myself from that.  To see those moments and take them captive before he has a chance to disrupt all that has been changing within me.
I know he knows he has a fight on his hands, and I know that can often mean a war...but I'm equiping myself.  I am getting prepared. 
And in the moments of disappointment that may arise...I HAVE to trust that good or sad...God will always carry me through...if I ask Him, and LET Him.
The offer is always there from Him...and it's up to ME to accept.

Life is too hard battling on your own.  It's too frustrating to put on the happy face for others yet screaming out from the inside wishing someone would come by your side. 
So...a new friendship rekindled...which has brought about an amazing prayer warrior in my life.
A new relationship with God rekindled...worth the battle.  And the battle is won with Him on my side.

Every day I live by the words "live for today...for this very day.  See the blessings of today, and trust God with tomorrow." 

My words.  

A song from one of the most recent CD's I purchased is playing right now...and I just have to share the lyrics:

Let Heaven Shout
(CD: Here is Love - Bethel Live)

I surrender all to You my God
I will give You all I have
For You took my filthiness and made me clean
I love you Lord Your praises I will sing
Let heaven shout for I have been redeemed.
I lay down my life, my plans, my rights
For I'm captured by Your love
And though I lose this world I will know You.
Nothing compares to knowing You.

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