I am still confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the Lord
Psalm 27: 13-14

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Been a while...

I'm finding it hard to update my blog these days. 
Partly because Evan and I are having SO MUCH FUN outdoors that I'm rarely around my computer anymore!
Partly because this current season of my life I have decided to be more private and careful with (no...no "news" to report! :))
Partly because I often wonder if this blog holds the same impact it once did.
Partly because by the time I have a chance to sit down to update...Evan either wakes from his nap or I am too beat at the end of the night and just want to hang out with Brett!

Sooooo...I'm taking this moment to say hello and update.

Evan is doing amazing as always.  He has now been exposed to bouncy castles and slides...and climbs the inflatable ladder like he was born to do it!  I only helped him twice, and then he was OFF!!  And the ladder is about 10-11 feet high!  Thank goodness it's all inflated...but still...he has to be aware of what he is doing because falling backwards would not be fun! 
He went to his big cousins 6th birthday and that is where it was held.  The older kids in the group were awesome with Evan, but Evan stuck with his younger cousin (4) and her friend.

He rides his tricycle and peddles like a crazy man!  He has some leg muscle to be envied by his mommy!  And now going around the block is much quicker!!  He has mastered his 2-wheel gliding bike, and rides it constantly rain or shine.  When the rain hits...my truck gets moved out from the garage and he takes over!  He has also newly acquired a plasma car.  It's hilarious!  When I would go get my coffee at the Starbucks at Indigo, Evan knew just where to go!  The kid section in the bookstore to play with the train set and ride this plasma car.  I finally took Brett along one night so he could see it too...and guess what daddy bought for Evan!  :) 
Evan adores drawing and playing playdough.  He LOVES hanging out at the water park.  He has a blast at Kinsmen Park on the train, although I can only stomach ONE ride on the merry-go-round.  His auntie had to take him the second time around yesterday!  I DO NOT STOMACH ROUND RIDES!!  When I was on with Evan I said "mommy's about to toss her cookies!" and instantly he looked at me and said "but I WANT cookies!!"  It was so funny!!

Evan missed a couple naps in the last few days, along with added late nights those same days...so today is catch up.  It's not so bad for me since the sun is hiding and it's overcast...so I'm not obsessed with getting outside and soaking up every naptime ray of sun!  Instead I had a good workout on the treadmill and bike...and now this update.
Evan is NOT ready to drop his final afternoon nap!  And neither am I! :)  He is just still too little for that.

He is growing like a weed, and talking up a storm.  He loves to sing too.  The other day I listened to him around the corner while he was singing...and he sang the whole song of "Jesus Loves Me"...and didn't miss a word!  My heart just melted!!

Last week we basically LIVED at the spray park because the weather was IIIIIINCREDIBLE!!  I loved it! 

What I am not loving these days are the trades guys still around our house working on the houses next to us.  They are forever parking in front of my drive way (and I sit there and honk my horn until someone shows up...and then I tell them never to do it again or I'll have them towed.  SO annoying!!), walking across my driveway from one house to the other (which makes my dogs super angry...so maybe I'll just "accidentally" let my dogs out the front door!!).  Top that all off with the area behind us now being developed...so my house literally shakes as the dump trucks, packers and bulldozers pack and level the earth behind us. 
My allergies and asthma have been AWFUL with all the dust and dirt.
OH WELL, such is life!!  It will get finished and one day I will have some peace!! :)

Personally...I've been struggling for a while with some nasty attacks from the enemy.  I mentioned reading Psalm 91, and how incredible it was and really strengthening.  Well, with that comes attacks from the enemy where he sees weakness.  And he saw a weakness in me and went for it full force.
As I read the testimonies of the book (which makes up half the book) I started to find myself feeling frustrated and disappointed.  Feeling like my faith is not nearly enough for miracles to happen.  Like I'm not worthy of answers like these people were.  Answers of healing, safety, protection...so many amazing stories!
Don't get me wrong...I wasn't "jealous" or anything like that...it just really made me start to wonder "if I had had enough faith, and if I hadn't listened to the doctors and if we had just claimed healing and deliverance...then Zac would be here.  We wouldn't have had to say goodbye if my faith had only been stronger".

It was a really rough few days for me.

Not like every day isn't rough.  It's always there.  But for the most part I have come to realize I HAVE to find some sort of "peace" and self forgiveness.  Even though circumstances were far beyond what we could control...there is always that feeling of guilt.  And will always always be that place of sorrow.

I live each day for Evan.  He is such an incredible little boy!  Watching him is life lessons to me, and relearning things I have forgotten.  It is up to me to set an example of how to deal with disappointment and loss and sadness.  It is up to me to set the example of patience and love and care and kindness.  It is up to me to show him how to be gentle and respectful.
It is up to me to teach him about God...and show him the ways God wants him to grow in.

It's a big responsibility...and in that responsibility comes a lot of self reflection and self teaching...and searching and relying on God for the answers and the direction.

Another big day is tomorrow.  Tomorrow is the birth day of my twin sisters...Catherine and Michelle.
I know I will meet them one day.  I know now they get the honor of caring for ALL of my children in heaven...and for that I love them even more.
I will remember them as I do daily.  I will send kisses to heaven to them tomorrow and sing happy birthday.
Never are they forgotten...and never did I think I'd ever come to know the full pain of loss my mom has experienced these years until I lost my first twins and then Zac.
Send prayers of comfort for my mom and dad tomorrow!

Kisses to my angels in heaven...and to my sisters.

 Drivin' thru the dirt with the tricycle!
 My biking boy wonder!
 Newest mode of transportation...the plasma car!
 A little football in the park!  Yes, we have a sports fanatic!
Fun in the sun at the spray park!

And giggles and kisses with my angel here on earth!!

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