Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Remembering my twin sisters today...
Before my mom had me...she had twin daughters. Although she never knew she was carrying twins until they were born...at about 6 months gestation. Around the gestational age of when Zac and Evan were born.
I knew about my twin sisters...but of course after losing our first twins and triplet, and then losing Zac...I "got" it. I really got it.
A common ground I'm sure my mom never wished I understood.
And I would see how my mom would get a far away look in her eyes when she'd see twin girls...but now I really really get it. How can you never wonder the "what if". How would they have looked? Whose nose and mouth would they have had? What would their personalities been like? The list goes on and on.
I understand that look...because now when I am faced with a set of twins in front of me...I freeze. I literally freeze inside and my look goes straight to the ground. Not that I don't think that these parents are so truly blessed, and that these kids are true miracles...but because my heart just is not ready. The ache for all of my heavenly children is too great. And I have many "what if" and wondering moments in my own day to be faced with seeing twins getting to grow up together. Oh how lucky and blessed these families are! How lucky these children are to grow up knowing their other "part".
I get this odd comfort though. Knowing that my sisters are caring for all my children in heaven. That they are all together in heaven. I only got to know Zac for the short time I carried him, and then the short days we were blessed with on earth...but I pray that he remembers hearing my voice and seeing my face...and I pray that he is able to share with his siblings and his aunts about me, and about Evan and about Brett.
My heart hurts for my mom today...because even after all these years...I now truly get it. Years do not erase the sadness of missing your child/children. Time does not take away pain. It only allows you to breathe a bit better day after day.
I've never forgotten about my sisters. I'll never stop aching for my own heavenly children.
Yes, both my mom and I have been blessed with living children...but I know our heavenly children hold special places in our hearts. And I know that they are never forgotten...even when we might feel like their memories are slipping away from others. They are forever in our hearts.
So today I am sending kisses to heaven for my twin sisters...Catherine and Michelle.
I love you dearly. I look forward to meeting you. And for now...keep caring for my little ones!