I am still confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the Lord
Psalm 27: 13-14

Sunday, May 13, 2012

Love notes to my boy...

Often I write about my struggles of the joy and grief rollercoaster.  Today, on Mother's Day, I want to write my boy, my son, my everything a little note...


The second I knew of you, I loved you.  That moment of seeing the photo of our two tiny embryos being transfered to me...I loved you both with all of my heart.
Hearing "you're pregnant"...I cried.  Tears of utter joy and hope.
Seeing you and your brother's heart beats...I was lost...to love.
Feeling you both kicking up a storm inside of me...I was in awe.

There you two are!  Evan and Zac on transfer day!

So many years of negatives...SO excited to see positive!

Yes, our journey has not been a typical journey.  Yes, we have both lost...me, a son; you, your brother.  But we honor his fight for both of us...and we shower each other in love!
In Memory of Zac Michael

Earthly snuggles while saying "see you again".  Thanking Zac for his fight for you and me buddy!  He fought for us!

I waited over 10 years to be a part of Mother's Day.  I had many tearful days, and many Mother's Days where I would go in to emotional shut down and hiding.  I wondered.  I prayed.  I screamed.  I fought.  I struggled.  I hoped. 

I will never understand the struggle, but I will always be grateful for you. 
I will hide many scars, but I will NEVER hide my love for you!
I may ache, but I will love...unending and without limit.
And as the years go, we may have our disagreements and arguements...but it will never change my love for you. 
You are precious.  You are a gift we never dreamed of.  You are more than I ever knew I wanted...needed.  When I look at you I see life.  I see dreams.  I see future.  I see a world of chance and opportunity for you. 
When I pray for you, I pray for peace, for love, for hope, for wisdom, for a kind and tender heart, for compassion, for fairness, for the strength to choose right over wrong.  I pray for the people who will enter your life.  That they will be an encouragement, not a discouragement.  I pray they will build character, not tear it down.  I pray that they honor your faith, not cause you to question it.  I pray that they will respect you as you will respect them.
I pray for the woman that God is preparing for you.  Your wife.  Your best friend.  I pray that she will cherish you, honor you, help you through lifes ups and downs.  I pray that she will look at you with eyes of love and admiration all the days of your lives.  I pray that you cherish her more than a princess.  That you never stop showing her how proud you are to have her at your side.
For whatever, and who ever God places in your path, I pray that their lives will be forever touched by you.  By the kindness of your heart. 
I pray that when my time on earth comes to an end, you will remember me with love and respect.  That you will never have for a second questioned my love and loyalty to you.
That you will know without a doubt how truly, very proud I am of you. 
That as you would drift off to sleep, I would pray over you, and shed tears of pure gratitude and love for you.  That you will carry on each of your days living them in your best.  That you would not let sadness or sorrow hold you captive in your yesterdays, but will help you forge ahead in your tomorrows.
You are more precious than words can ever express.
You are loved by mommy and daddy more than you will ever comprehend.
We are so very proud and so very, very, VERY honored to by your parents.

On May 11, 2009...we heard words we waited so long to hear..."Evan can go home today!". 
After 66 looooooong days in NICU, we were finally able to bring you home!
What an emotional day it was. 
We knew leaving those doors meant leaving the only place we got to be with your brother.  That leaving that unit, we would leave a part of our hearts for many reasons. 
We were excited, and nervous. 
You still weren't even 5 pounds!  We had to rig your car seat just right to be able to get you home!
I will never, ever forget that day.  It felt like your discharge check up would take forever.  I kept wondering if they would find some other reason to have you stay longer.  But we were piled up with information pamphlets, with all your extra items from your basinette drawer, your clothes, milk that was stored there...we had a LOT to take home.  But all we cared about was that you were COMING HOME!
It still feels so surreal!  Walking out those doors.  My heart soared, though another part of my heart ached knowing we were coming home without Zac too.  That was and is reality.  But it didn't mean that I couldn't enjoy every moment of walking out of that hospital with you.  After 4 months of living at the hospital between my 5 weeks before you boys were born, and then your 66 days in NICU...I never went a day without being at that hospital!  So, yes...leaving was bitter-sweet....but I was glad to be going home...with you between us!
Ever so tiny in your car seat!  Just under 5 pounds!

Our final walk through the hospital coridor.  Together!  Going home!

Snuggled in your own basinette!  You were so unbelievably tiny in there!!  We would just stare at you and watch you breathe!

From that point on, life has been a treasured gift.  Of waking to your sweet voice.  Of watching you growing FAR too fast!  Of seeing the drive and strength you possess.  Watching you wanting to learn about everything.  Watching you exploring.  Feeling your little arms around my neck, and your hand in mine.  I am so truly blessed and grateful to hear you call me mommy.  My heart overflows with love, and my eyes can't contain the tears of thankfulness.

You are so precious.  Don't EVER doubt my love for you.  I will never give you a reason to ever doubt..  I am with you always.  I will always be your cheering section.  I will always have your back.
You are my heart and soul.  And nothing will ever take that away or change that.

I am thankful for these 3 years years we've had together.  I am grateful to God for Him sparing your life.  He has such a special purpose and plan for your life...and I will be praying as you discover what that plan is!  I will never stop praying for you and over you.

I love you my sweet boy.  I love you more than you will ever know!  And I will never stop!!!!

Holding mommy's finger.  Such a teeny tiny hand!

Our very first snuggle with our 2 pound wonder.  4 days old (28m 5d gestational age!)

Some kangaroo time!

Moving ahead 3 years!  Now you are intrigued with catching all kinds of bugs.  I now have to put on a brave face!  Here you are desperately trying to catch some ants!

On a walk a few days ago.  Some piggy-back time and some cuddles!

Look at you growing up!  It's hard to imagine how quickly you are growing!  From 2 pounds, to riding a 2-wheeler bike with training wheels!  Wow...

Forever my pal!!!  xoxoxoxo

No comments:

Post a Comment