I am still confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the Lord
Psalm 27: 13-14

Monday, April 30, 2012

The dream of the Glider Chair...

The Glider.
I dreamed of the day I would rock both our sons in this chair...

While home on a 5 hour day pass from the hospital after rupturing with Zac. 
Being pregnant was the only time I ever got to rock BOTH of my sons in this chair.
I cherish every single day I was able to rock them both, together, inside of me.

A much smaller Evan enjoying some rock time on his own :)

The first kiss from a girl...in the glider!
Evan and Marley...
How I adore this picture for so many reasons of these two true miracles!

Even after taking out Evan's crib and setting up his big boy bed, the glider remained!
Though hardly ever used. 

A few days ago when I finally realized the glider was taking up more space than was being used.
I tearfully (literally...tears welled in my eyes!) carried the glider up to our bonus room.
The blanket draped on this chair is one given to me from a precious friend in Scotland in memory of Zac.

I've always loved rocking chairs.  I've always loved being rocked!  My favorite childhood memory.  Being rocked and having my mom play with my hair.  Makes me smile right now as I think of it!

I dreamed of the day I would get to own my own rocking chair.  Dreamed of the day I would rock my own child/ren in that chair. 
So when Brett and I decided "the time" had come to start our family...that rocking chair was my goal :)  It was front and center in my mind. 
I couldn't WAIT for the day we would make this purchase that I had always dreamed of.

I never thought it would take 10'ish years of trying to have a family for the dream to become a reality.

When we finally got pregnant with our first twins, I was excited, yet guarded.  So...we waited to buy that chair.
The waiting ended in the loss of our babies.  And it hurt to have never had a moment in that chair with our precious, fought for children.

When we got pregnant again with Zac and Evan...this time I wasn't waiting.  I told Brett that this was the present I wanted for Christmas...even though we bought it before then :)
Brett bought me that chair.  We brought it home.  He set it up in our living room. 
And I glowed with joy and pride.
I finally had a rocking/glider chair. 
I would rock my sons in that chair!
And every single day of the time I had with my pregnancy...I rocked in that sweet chair.
I rocked my boys together inside of me.  I wrapped my arms around my fast growing belly and smiled.
I told our boys how very much they were loved, desired, dreamed of, hoped for, wanted.  How excited we were to bring them home!

I never imagined that this chair would never experience both of my sons, together.
I never imagined the story this chair would hold.
I never imagined the tear stains it would hold. 
I never imagined...

The days I was able to come home on a 5 hour day pass from the hospital during those terrifying days after rupturing with Zac...I would come home, and sit in that chair, and pray, and cry...and rock.  And wrap my arms around my crazy big belly, and feel my boys kicking and rolling around.  Still believing that both of our sons would come home through the end of this fear.  Still holding to hope that both of my sons would be okay.
I prayed that this chair would experience the tender moments of me with Zac and Evan together in my arms.  That there would be spit up from both my boys.
That as they grew they would sit and play in this chair together.
That this would become THEIR special spot for us to read together, to calm sad moments, to lay weary heads on my shoulders as they would both drift off to sleep.

The days after I finally came home from the hospital after having the boys, and Zac going home to heaven...I entered our house and I cried.  I went to that chair...alone.  Without EITHER of my sons. 
I sat there and cried that this chair would never again know both of my sons.
I sat there and cried in fear of whether Evan would come home or not.
I sat there and cried as I sat in that chair...alone. 

Yet...this chair brought me comfort.  Though my dreams were broken and my heart was a mess and life was forever changed...the chair still brought me comfort.

I thought of each of those days I sat in that chair.  Together.  With our sons.
I thought of every. single. one. of those short days.
Of the dreams I had, and now the prayers that my heart was screaming out to spare Evan's life.
I clung to the preemie outfits we were given for both of the boys before we knew the outcome.
I cried to God to hold Zac, Ethan, Jack and "Whisper" together in His arms, and to rock them together and tell them all how very much we loved each of them.  How grateful we were...ARE, for each of their short lives. 

When Evan finally came home 66 days later after the boys were born...that chair became OUR spot.  Mine and Evan's. 
So many cuddles. 
So many snuggles.
So many times I would rock Evan until he would fall asleep in my arms.
Content.  Loved.  Home.
So many tears I cried over Evan...tears of gratitude and joy and blessing.
So many prayers whispered over his little life.
So many giggles and laughs and stories read together.
Our moments.
In the glider chair I dreamt of.
Oh how I adore and cherish those moments and memories.
Tucked tightly in my heart and mind.

So when I was in Evan's room the other night (2 to be exact) cleaning up some toys and stuffed animals, I looked at the glider chair that has been mine and Evan's comfort chair since the day he came.  I realized that we have used it together MAYBE twice in the last 6 months at least.
And I realized...the time had come.
The time to allow Evan's room to become all "big boy", and that the time of the glider chair to live in his room had come to an end. 

The tears were literally welled up in my eyes as I carried that treasured glider chair up to our bonus room.
On that chair, a very special blanket given to me from a dear friend in memory of Zac.
That blanket remains on the glider chair.

Now the glider chair has become MY special place.
My place to go and remember days past and days lost.  Memories gained and memories treasured.
My spot to go and rest my head and feel the comfort of that chair.
With a special blanket I wrap around me and close my eyes and see Zac's eyes as he looked at me his short days of life.
The chair that I had dreamed of for so many years.

Do I wish I might have the chance to rock another child in that chair?
Yes, of course I dream of that.
Will it happen?
Only God knows.

But for now I am just so grateful for all that I have been blessed with.
And the memories that this chair holds.

I love that chair, and moving forward and taking it out of Evan's room was a HUGE thing for me.
Moving forward is never easy. 
It's scary to see how fast time passes.
It seems like yesterday I rocked with boys my sons growing inside of me.
Like yesterday that I would rock daily with Evan once he came home.

Man, I love that chair.


  1. Oh my gosh. No words. Just all my love. This brought me to tears.

  2. I just recently converted my 2.5 year old son's room to all "big boy," so I share some of your bittersweet feelings. I also had a glider that I used with our two foster daughters. When they were adopted by another family instead of us, I couldn't sit in it anymore. Loss is tough. Praying for you on your journey...