Moments like this...

I know this isn't much the content that I was doing my last post.  But, this is real.  And it's what happens.
One day up, the next...knocked to the ground.

Today was a huge disappointment to me. 
Today was not the answer to the prayers and hopes I had been desperately seeking and pleading.
Today was...typical of what I have expected and received in the past.

More frustration.  More confusion.  More...loss.

And lets be honest here.  I'm angry.  I'm frustrated.  I'm so very, very tired.  And I hate feeling like this.

I just wanted today to be different.  I wanted today to be a positive outlook through so much struggle.  And, it wasn't.  It was the typical, usual frustration. 

I don't like where it feels like it is leading me. 

Yet, regardless...my heart is full of gratitude and love for my husband, my son, ALL my children, my family, and my wonderful, loving friends.

Today I don't know how to pray.  Today I don't know what to ask.  Today I don't see the light at the end of the looooooooong tunnel.
But I can't let it steal my gratitude for what, and WHO, I do have.  I can't let the enemy win by allowing myself to go straight to the lies of "what a failure you are Heather!  Why on earth would God answer your prayers?!"  Yup...those are the lies I hear far too often.  And I'm tired of it.

Yes, tomorrow is a new day.  But today I just want to wrap my arms around my son and my husband and be grateful for who I have right now. 

I don't want to question God and wonder why my smallest request feels like it falls on deaf ears.  I don't want to be bitter.

So, for now, I just want to pretend like everything is fine and that today's disappointment means nothing to me (which is a huge lie of course, but still...)

I don't understand the path God is taking me down.  And I won't lie...it is not a fun path right now.  It is not an exciting path.  It is not a path I want.  But it's the path I'm on.  And if I am meant to endure the sadness I see at the end of it...then I just pray that He gives me the strength, the courage and the dignity that He is requiring me to have.

Yes...not the day I had planned in my mind at all.

On that note...I am going to go pick up my precious little boy and I am going to wrap him in my arms and thank God for his miraculous life.  And THAT is what I'm going to focus on!!