I am still confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the Lord
Psalm 27: 13-14

Monday, March 18, 2013

March 9th...party day on earth and in heaven...

Birthday Day...for both of my boys...

Who ever thinks that they will celebrate their sons in such opposite meaningful ways in one day?

March 9th.

We threw Evan's 4th bithday party on March 9th.

But we began the day with celebrating, just the three of us, Zac's 4th Angelversary Day.

March 9th, four years ago...we said "see you in heaven" to our sweet Zac, our first born son, Evan's twin brother.

We started the day with heading out to the cemetery to release four balloons to heaven for Zac.

Evan releasing his balloons
It's strange how one can find a way to smile and find a strange sense of joy in such an act.  But there is something about at least being able to watch those balloons rise up to the skies, and just for a moment, pretend that Zac will reach out and grab them, or at least see them from heaven.

But the moment was precious, and cherished.

We then headed home where I started prepping and doing a mad-dash cleaning before our guests began to arrive.  The night before cleaning is useless to me in some respects, having 2 dogs, lots of snow and wet paws that enter the house.  So some stuff just has to be left.

The day was loud.  The day was full of 6 excited and lively children.

The biggest hit...the pinata! 

But as with every birthday comes that forever bitter-sweet ache in my heart. 
To watch my sweet Evan celebrating, being celebrated and enjoying his day...fills my heart with joy.
And in the same breath...feeling the ache of the spot missing beside him...the spot where Zac should be.  That silent ache that stays hidden in my heart, that stays masked behind the smile (don't get me wrong...the smile is truly genuine!)
But those are the emotions of a parent who has lost a child.  Especially on a birthday where your twin sons can not be celebrating together as they should have been.

I know it is more for my heart and my determination to have Zac a part of party days, but as usual, I made two birthday cakes.  One for Evan, and one for Zac.

This mommy heart just can't do one cake without the other.  It brings me joy and a bit of healing each birthday.  And maybe one day when Evan is older it will end...at least at parties, but for now while these parties consist mainly of family and close friends...I will continue.  And one day those cakes will be a private time for our family alone.
But...right now...I just can't end this tradition I have begun.
Though our sons may not sit side-by-side for birthday photos, and open gifts together, and we may not hear "Happy Birthday dear Evan and Zac..." when singing is going on...my sons will always be in my heart together on their birthday.  And each March 9th, Zac's Angelversary, will be a special time for our little family.
I am blessed by the lives of our children, though 5 will never celebrate birthdays here on this earth...we will celebrate one day together in heaven ALL of our children!
But this March 9th was filled with love, joy, gratitude, thankfulness and peace.
And it was pure heaven to watch Evan just so excited and having so much fun, and knowing we were celebrating his miraculous life here with us.  And I am so grateful.  So very, very grateful!
Mommy loves you my "little" boy!! xoxoxo
Happy 4th Birthday my boy!! xoxo

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