I am still confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the Lord
Psalm 27: 13-14

Tuesday, January 28, 2014

Baby Steps...

It begins with baby steps, right?

Moving forward that is.

As I began the agonizing process of going through Evan's clothes to see just what I could part with, I had a stack of his wee tiny clothes.  Preemie clothes.  All in a stack on my glider chair ottoman.
These ones I just can NOT part with.  And that's just fine.
Oh who am I kidding??  I didn't part with TONS of his clothes.  
As I pulled out each article I could see the moment he wore that item.  I could smell the moment.
And some were just too treasured to part with at this time.
Bit by bit. 
But my heart can't handle letting go of everything all at once!

I caught a glimpse of Evan in the background of these clothes used for his tiny less than 5lb body.  

I saw my almost 5 year old little boy behind that stack of clothes.

And my heart exploded.  For many reasons.  
The biggest reason...my little wonder out grew each of these clothes and many, many more!

He has grown.  He has thrived.  He has matured.  He has become this amazing little boy who loves life.  He is smart.  He is exploring his talents.  He is big in to drawing detailed pictures and also TAKING pictures with my old camera.  I can NOT wait for warmer weather when we can go out together and take photograph walks!

I love to watch his mind work.  

I love watching him put in to actions those thoughts.
I love his sensitivity.
I love his young wisdom.
I love his innocent faith and trust.

I just plain old LOVE this boy of ours!  
And I am beyond grateful.

He is teaching me to look ahead with optimism and faith.
He restores my hope and faith daily.

And I love, love, LOVE how prayer has become so second nature to him!!

Last night I hurt my back.  And straight away Evan says "mommy, I am going to pray to Jesus to heal your back right now!"  And he did.  Just like that, prayer was the first step to me getting better.

Then this morning at 5am I felt a tap on my shoulder and heard a whisper "mommy, I had a bad dream!"  So in to bed he happily crawled (a rare occurrence indeed!  He loves his bed and his space!).  As he laid beside me he simply said "mommy, I didn't like that dream.  You need to pray for me.  NOW!"
And so we did.
I'm glad this is becoming so central in his life.

He loves praise and worship music.

He does NOT like TV shows with cartoon monsters with sharp teeth and claws and red eyes.
I love how he knows what makes him uncomfortable, and senses what isn't right for him.

I feel a touch of pride.
I feel like we are doing an okay job as parents.
Teaching.  Guiding.  Learning from example (okay...sometimes that one can shoot me in the foot.  Lets just say Evan and I have a LOT of the same characteristics...learned solely by mommy.  **blush**)
But all in all, I think we are doing a good job.

Every day I wonder if I am being a good enough mom.  If I'm teaching him the right things.  If I'm guiding him in the way I pray he grows.

And most days I feel pleased.
We all have off days, right!?!  4+ years old and *ehem* 38+ years old.

But today, I am moved to tears as I listen to Evan sing my praise, and tell me how awesome I am, and how much he loves me.  And how proud he is of me (that one especially joked me up!).  

Moving forward has been a scary and even sad thought for me in some ways.  But watching our precious son growing and maturing in to the young boy that he is becoming just overwhelms my heart with joy.

I may not understand the path God has brought us on.  I may have been quite angry about a lot of it.  I may have had moments of screaming towards the heavens.

But right now...I'm shouting and screaming praises of thanks and gratitude.

Whatever comes next...
well, I'll take it in baby steps!

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