I am still confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the Lord
Psalm 27: 13-14

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

Hanging my head. Now, to lift it back up!

Love this girl!!
It's strange...you get a sad diagnosis of someone you love (even a pet), and it changes things.  Yet it also helps you realize other things.

Since Bailey's bone cancer diagnosis she was prescribed a pain medication that is obviously doing it's job, because it is like nothing is wrong with my girl any more!!  She barely limps!  We've been going for walks, and enjoying the sun when it shines.
And it makes it tricky not to think "maybe the vet was wrong?!  Maybe they interpreted the X-ray wrong?  Maybe there was something wrong with the machine?"  
Good grief...I was misdiagnosed when I was in grade 12!!  I was told I didn't have a broken wrist, and for the next three months I walked around in pain with a tensor bandage.  Then I went to MY doctor who did another X-ray and I get a phone call from her saying "Just exactly WHO said you didn't have a broken wrist??  It IS broken, but now it is too late to re-set it!"  Physio it was for me.
So...it CAN happen!!

However, I know.  I know I'm just in my denial stage.  

Yesterday I started to think a bit more clearly though.  
I realized something that I am not too proud of.
I have put more emotion and love in to my sweet Fur-Girl than I have...God.

I realized that I associate Bailey to my healing and my comforting than I do my own God.

Maybe because I can see Bailey looking in to my eyes.  Maybe because I can feel her head on my lap when my tears are pouring.  Maybe because she is physically present, and I can cling on to her when I feel like I am going to break.

I felt my head begin to hang in shame when I realized it is GOD who I should be putting my everything in to.  It is His word I should be running to in times of fear, sadness, loneliness.  It is HIS arms I should be wrapping myself in.  I should be surrounding myself with His presence.  

I always THINK that I do that...but I don't.

I started hearing myself saying "I don't know how I'm going to face the future without Bailey.  I don't know how I'm going to say good bye.  I don't know what I'll do without her to comfort me."

Oh my.  

Yes, I adore my Bailey girl.  I believe God placed her (like many other people) in my life for a reason.  We almost didn't buy Bailey...twice, as a puppy.  And yet we did.  She almost didn't survive her puppy life...but we are crazy enough to pour money in to our pets to try to save them.  And she survived.  She has been a good friend.  

But she shouldn't be higher on my comforter's list than God.  And I put her there.

I guess many times I felt betrayed by God.  Like He didn't hear me.  Like He wouldn't help me.  And I pushed Him away, and clung on to my dog.

I placed her higher.

I don't want to say good bye to my Bailey, but it will happen.
I won't have her to cling to.  I won't have her to lick my tears away.  I won't have her head on my lap to comfort me and let me know things will be okay.

But I have a God who wants to love me sooooo much more.  To comfort me endlessly.  To wipe away my tears.  To wrap His arms around my heart.
A God who will never leave me.

It's moments, even odd ones like this, where we realize how easy it can be to push God away because maybe He doesn't seem tangible in the physical sense.  Yet...He is there!  It is us who silence Him.  It is us who push Him away.  And then we wonder why we can't hear Him.

My bible sits, unopened.
His loving words are right there.
His guidance and encouragement and teachings are RIGHT THERE.
And I keep my bible closed because I feel like it hurts too much not to be able to understand certain "why's" in life.  I excuse myself by saying I don't WANT to be confused and upset with God, and certain passages do just that to me.  Instead of trying harder to learn, and be taught.  I sit, stubborn.
And then I wonder why.

February 13th a friend of my parents passed away from cancer.
February 14th my mom's brother passed away from cancer.
Just over a week ago, another family friend passed away from cancer.

Cancer, cancer, cancer.  

And now my dog has bone cancer.

I'm tired of cancer.

I'm also finding that these situations are creating great anxiety in me.
I'm feeling anxious about loved ones health.  
I worry about my son and my husband.
I worry about my family.

I know I am not to worry and not to fear.  And I really have to work on this, because I know how well worry and I get along (dripping in sarcasm).

So I will refocus, and remember this:

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you.  I do not give to you as the world gives.  Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid".  John 14:27

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