I am still confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the Lord
Psalm 27: 13-14

Wednesday, March 26, 2014

Oh how he makes my heart sing!!

One of my first gifts as a new mom

Styling his new hat that he sweet-talked Grandma in to buying.  (It really WAS a good purchase!!)

Oh how this boy makes my heart sing!!
New Mom
You have been blessed by the unfolding of a greater plan with a new life.  May love guide you every day, and remind you that the bond you have found is everlasting.

I've always loved the gift I received when I opened this mug from a friend of mine.
Yes, it brought with it that newly aching "bitter-sweet".  Though, the saying fits for each of my children.  
I am bonded to EACH of my children, and that bond truly is everlasting! 

I still drink from that mug, as many times I feel very much like a New Mom.
New with each new year and new "personality-reaching" of my son, and exploring who he is.
And some times I wonder if I have any idea what I am doing, or if I am doing things well enough for him.
In those moments of self-doubt I look at that mug and read the back of it, and I look at my sweet boy's face and I think to myself "we are forever bonded together, and no matter what life brings...I will never stop loving you!  As long as I'm living, my baby you'll be!"

Every day I have those mommy-guilt moments.  
While rushing to get dinner made, or my house tidied up, or laundry done...and I see my son playing by himself or watching a movie alone...my heart rips in to a million pieces.
A)  I see those moments and my heart breaks knowing he was not meant to be alone
B)  In those moments I loathe the fact that I just have to do what I am doing 
C)  I know children need to know how to entertain themselves
D)  I can't beat myself up EVERY SINGLE TIME something needs to be done

I get those moments where I wonder if Evan will one day realize just how very much I love him.  Not that I'm just telling him over and over (and over and over) my love for him.
I wonder if his life is full enough by what we do together.
I wonder if he will grow to feel like life was just missing something...or should I say, someone.

And then I realize that the enemy wants to make me doubt myself, and question more than I should.  He makes me want to live with this never-ending fear of not filling Evan's life enough.  To make me live in torment by what we could not control and fix.
To take away my time with Evan by filling time with doubt and fears.

This is what I know...
I love my son more than my own life.
I will always stop what I am doing to look my son in the eye as he recites his favorite part from his Batman Movie.
The cleaning can wait one hour.
Supper will get made.  There is peanut butter and bread to tie us over if supper is delayed.
I might not be able to spend every single minute entertaining Evan, but I will soak up the time we do spend together.  
I will do my best to stop beating myself up, so that I CAN truly enjoy each day with Evan.
I am okay with hearing Evan reply "You already said that to me mom" when I tell him a zillion times a day how much I love him, and how proud I am of who he is.
I will never stop hugging my son.
I will take the time to play Lego games with Evan.
I will not let the perfectionist in me cringe and take over when Evan is helping me bake banana bread and the ingredients go flying out of the bowl as he stirs.
I lay in bed with him those extra moments when he says "but we JUST started snuggling mommy!"
I will embrace those moments of frustration I may feel as he tests boundaries and "attitudes", and I will help to guide him through to understand what is (and is not) acceptable behavior.  

But I will NOT doubt his love for me.
And I will NOT doubt my love for him, and that I am doing the very best I know how.
I will accept that I will fail time to time.
I will have to get that dinner in the oven on time.
I will have to take moments to clean our home.
I will have to watch Evan entertain himself while I do these things.
But I will stop beating myself up.
I will stop thinking I am not enough for him.

I will look in to that precious little face, feel our everlasting bond...and hear the song that my heart sings every time I look at him!

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