I am still confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the Lord
Psalm 27: 13-14

Friday, October 9, 2009

Once again...

Wow, these days sure don't get easier. I really don't like the 9th of each month. Emotions choke me and make me feel like I can't breathe, tears flow at the strangest...yet most frequent of times. When the hour that Zac took his final breath hits I ache all over. I miss my little boy. I find as Evan hits all these milestones and is playing and rolling around on the floor I find myself wondering what the boys would have been like together. I know they would have been crazy! If Zac would have been as active as Evan is...they would have been WWF wrestling already. And now with Evan teething I can picture the boys chewing on each other and just being these wet balls of chubby babies! That thought put a smile on my face. My heart aches though. Today I started packing away my maternity clothes and I'm finding it SUPER emotional! I missed out on almost 3 months worth of being able to wear these clothes that I've waited almost 8 years to wear, and I'm packing them away far beyond what should have been. But, I can't keep them hanging in my closet forever. I've even found myself hoping that one day I will be so fortunate as to get to wear them again...but as we all know...I'm not the one in control of that so there is no point in even day dreaming about that right now. I just didn't think that clothes would make me so emotional! I'm finding myself getting anxious with winter coming on because I'm scared I won't be able to find Zac's grave plaque. I think I'll go get a taller marker so that I will know where it is. On another note, Evan is doing great. Growing taller it seems!! At his last couple of weigh-ins he has only been gaining a 1/2 ounce a day vs. his regular 1 ounce a day. The first time I saw that I absolutely went in to panic mode and actually started crying from the paranoia. I know that a 1/2 ounce a day is STILL in normal gaining ranges, but for Evan it hasn't been. The past week he was really fussy with his feeds and he hasn't been eating as much from his supplemented bottle feeds...but I think it's because I'm now using just basically the formula instead of mixing it half and half with my milk. So it's thicker and more filling to him. PLUS he's started with the rice cereal. PLUS he's teething. But when you are a NICU preemie mom...these things freak you out. I wish there were a manual of what to expect and when not to freak out! However, he is still my happy, content, gorgeous little boy!!! Just when you think you couldn't love him more...you do!! I'm enjoying every moment with him...however I've got to stop letting my fears of waiting for the floor to get pulled from under me controlling me because those fears are stealing moments of joy. I'm just nervous for his first flu/cold/rsv and now H1N1 season. UGH!!! But we are going to be pretty house bound this time so I'm hoping we will avoid any illness, or anything major anyhow! Yesterday when the snowflakes started to fall I had to smile, because when it snows those big fluffy soft slow snowflakes I always feel like I'm in a snow globe!! However, this year has added the feeling of my world occassionally being shaken like mad like a snow globe to get the pretty fluff! Well, I suppose I should get back to trying to get through my task of laundry, but I also hear Evan waking up MUCH too soon from his nap!


  1. Being a NICU mom is such a roller coaster - actually, it's like being on more than one roller coaster at the same time! (((hugs))) You've been through so much, even more than lots of NICU moms have to deal with. Rejoicing with you on all the happy milestones Evan is accomplishing, and praying for you through all the worries and sadness. <3

  2. (((((((Heather)))))))

    I'm so sorry that grief is so sneaky! It is still really soon after losing precious Zac--although I know it can seem far away at the same time. It just stinks. I still have trouble on the 21-23 of each month...the days our sons died and were born--and it's been almost 2 years. I wish I could reach out and grab your pain and take it far from you! Sending you hugs and prayers and glad Evan is doing so well. We have a grave marker about 1.5 feet tall and I also was worried I'd not find it in the snow...but we did. I put a few flower arrangements out too figuring that would help. Truth is I found it every time without needing the help. Our hearts are where our children are. Praying for you tonight!

  3. Oh Heather.
    My heart is aching for you! It really sucks that your Zac and mine can't be here with us... and we don't understand... I am praying for peace and love for you... I would still love to get together with you one day. Mondays and Wednesdays are when my older 3 kids are in school and I would just have Trystan who is 9 months old now! Crazy! We just had him dedicated today. Let me know! Keeping you in my prayers constantly! Love.