Once again...

Wow, these days sure don't get easier. I really don't like the 9th of each month. Emotions choke me and make me feel like I can't breathe, tears flow at the strangest...yet most frequent of times. When the hour that Zac took his final breath hits I ache all over. I miss my little boy. I find as Evan hits all these milestones and is playing and rolling around on the floor I find myself wondering what the boys would have been like together. I know they would have been crazy! If Zac would have been as active as Evan is...they would have been WWF wrestling already. And now with Evan teething I can picture the boys chewing on each other and just being these wet balls of chubby babies! That thought put a smile on my face. My heart aches though. Today I started packing away my maternity clothes and I'm finding it SUPER emotional! I missed out on almost 3 months worth of being able to wear these clothes that I've waited almost 8 years to wear, and I'm packing them away far beyond what should have been. But, I can't keep them hanging in my closet forever. I've even found myself hoping that one day I will be so fortunate as to get to wear them again...but as we all know...I'm not the one in control of that so there is no point in even day dreaming about that right now. I just didn't think that clothes would make me so emotional! I'm finding myself getting anxious with winter coming on because I'm scared I won't be able to find Zac's grave plaque. I think I'll go get a taller marker so that I will know where it is. On another note, Evan is doing great. Growing taller it seems!! At his last couple of weigh-ins he has only been gaining a 1/2 ounce a day vs. his regular 1 ounce a day. The first time I saw that I absolutely went in to panic mode and actually started crying from the paranoia. I know that a 1/2 ounce a day is STILL in normal gaining ranges, but for Evan it hasn't been. The past week he was really fussy with his feeds and he hasn't been eating as much from his supplemented bottle feeds...but I think it's because I'm now using just basically the formula instead of mixing it half and half with my milk. So it's thicker and more filling to him. PLUS he's started with the rice cereal. PLUS he's teething. But when you are a NICU preemie mom...these things freak you out. I wish there were a manual of what to expect and when not to freak out! However, he is still my happy, content, gorgeous little boy!!! Just when you think you couldn't love him more...you do!! I'm enjoying every moment with him...however I've got to stop letting my fears of waiting for the floor to get pulled from under me controlling me because those fears are stealing moments of joy. I'm just nervous for his first flu/cold/rsv and now H1N1 season. UGH!!! But we are going to be pretty house bound this time so I'm hoping we will avoid any illness, or anything major anyhow! Yesterday when the snowflakes started to fall I had to smile, because when it snows those big fluffy soft slow snowflakes I always feel like I'm in a snow globe!! However, this year has added the feeling of my world occassionally being shaken like mad like a snow globe to get the pretty fluff! Well, I suppose I should get back to trying to get through my task of laundry, but I also hear Evan waking up MUCH too soon from his nap!