I am still confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the Lord
Psalm 27: 13-14

Saturday, January 23, 2010

Feeling sentimental...

So today while I was putting Evan down for his afternoon nap, his teeth were reeeeeeeally bugging him and I had to go back in and bundle him all up in my arms and walk/bounce him to sleep. As I was doing that I felt suddenly catapolted back to NICU days when Evan was finally free of his isolette and wires, and free in a basinette. And when I was free to pick my son up whenever I wanted and walk the mere four feet of "freedom" in his bay and walk and rock and bounce him in my arms. The feeling of having him "free" in my arms...I'll never forget that. And I remember how I could hardly wait to have these moments after being able to bring Evan home with us. This teeeeeeeny tiny wonder...in my arms after all these painful years and after all our tears. Now my itty bitty 2lb 9ou baby boy is on the verge of 19lbs!!! And it feels like time is flying by. My sweet, precious baby boys who were ohhhh so early...and it has almost been a year!! I can't believe that in March it will be one year!! One year of so many mixed emotions, of joy and of sorrow. My little Evan is now in 12 month clothes and almost has 6 teeth in his mouth!! It brings tears to my eyes. We have come such a long way. It still feels so surreal. And it's in these moments where during this struggle of Evan not taking a bottle or drinking much during the day...all the frustration and fear I've been feeling about it...all passes away, because I see how far my little boy has come. Looking back at pictures of his first days of life until now...he is a fighter. He knows what he needs. I've always termed Zac our fighter boy...and he was. He fought sooooo hard to stay well within me those 5 weeks with little fluid in order to save his brothers life. But BOTH my boys are fighters! Evan was taken from me so early with no complications on his end...but he had no choice. And the disruption for him could have been oh so catastrophic for him too...but he fought every single day in the NICU and showed us all how to fight, and showed us all how strong he was...and how well his big brother took care of him! I miss my Zac every breath of every day...but I'm in awe of my little Evan...every breath of every day. My boys are amazing to me. They have taught me the meaning of "fight", "strength", "courage"...and I know Evan will continue to teach me these and so much more in our days ahead. I wish life included Zac by Evan's side...but regardless...Zac will always be by Evan's side. He will always be in our hearts. And as I continue to watch Evan growing and learning...I will not take these things for granted. He is a gift...and I am blessed.

1 comment:

  1. I can imagine how hard it must be some days to balance being so joyful over Evan and yet so sorrowful over Zac. You express it so movingly. Hugs!