I am still confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the Lord
Psalm 27: 13-14

Thursday, January 21, 2010

On the rise...

Well, as of yesterday afternoon Evan has started to take some of his bottles during the day once more. PHEW! Strange how such a thing can dictate the tone of my day. I just worry about my little guy all the time. I'm relieved though that he is taking something once again. I took everyones advice and just tried my best not to stress when he struggled against the bottle, and just kept on loving him and smiling at him and when he'd screw up his face and push away the bottle I would just give him a kiss and say "okay...you lead the way today". It's always so hard not to worry when things seem to "change", but I guess I have to get used to that. Evan is growing!! He is going to change patterns and needs. I guess it's the unknowing of what to expect when that throws me off. But I have to start trusting that he knows what he needs at that time while I continue to encourage and offer. He is just becoming sooooo much fun!!!! But really...those 4 teeth that are working their way out are nasty. Yet he remains in good spirits. He doesn't get the typical teething issues...well, other than not wanting to suck on his bottle. He is seriously so crazy busy and is such a mover!!!! The last little while he is trying to figure out his knees and this morning came soooooo close to getting a bit more up there. He is ridiculously hilarious because he will grab my face and then make this goofy face where he is going to eat my nose...and then he tries to chew on my nose or my chin or my cheek. He does this look that reminds of a little vampire :) hee hee hee. He is becoming fast friends with Tag and Bailey (our Boxers). And Evan and Bailey are now in cahoots with each other during Evan's meal times (with food). Evan will get food on his hands and then will stick them under the tray of his highchair where Bailey (who is like a hoover vacuum) immediately offers a good cleaning! I know...most people would be so grossed out by a dog licking a childs hands...but oddly it's one area that I'm not so freaked out about anymore!! PLUS, I immediately wash off Evan's hands! The smile on Evan's face is priceless, and Bailey sure isn't complaining. Yet, she sure doesn't need the extra food!! I want my son to know he is loved. I want him to understand that all my life I dreamt of him. I want him to know that even in my sadness of missing Zac...I love Evan. And I am happy with Evan and in love with this little boy. I want him growing with fun memories of us together. I want him to remember that even in tough times he never questioned how loved he is. Today reading another grieving moms blog during the loss of her son I realized something...grief has become this constant, although unwanted, companion. And each day it's presence is varying degrees...but it's there. Some days I feel it rising above my joy, and other days I feel it just sitting on the sidelines. But no matter what...it is there. It is a part of who I am. Yet, I don't want it to become ALL of who I am. I believe that grief can co-exist with joy...it has no choice. I have no choice!! On the news today (U.S. news) I heard a gutt-wrenching report about a couple whose 2 month old baby stopped breathing on the plane during their flight. The parents and people around tried to revive this little life, but the baby passed away. The plane made an emergency landing in Massecheusets where they are now investigating. My heart just exploded in sadness and pain for what this couple has gone through, and will continue to go through. The questions, the pain, the guilt. I know nothing of the baby's health or if there were any underlying conditions, but I can only imagine that this couple were taking their precious child to meet family (that's how I have it in my mind), but now instead of meeting this healthy, robust, tiny baby...they will be faced with gathering at this childs funeral. Wow. The thought of it all just sickens me and makes me want to scoop Evan up from his nap and hold him tight. To me, Zac's passing was senseless. To me, it will never be right. To me, I will never understand. None of what happened will ever feel settled in my heart. Yet...here was this couple with their child just taking a trip...and they returned back empty armed. I don't think we all understand just HOW fragile life is. Not like we can sit and just obsess about life and death, but it's so easy to take it forgranted. But, in getting to know other hurting moms of loss...it is a common (yet horrid) experience to lose a child...at any stage/age. Taking home a healthy baby is the miracle. Yet for those of us who walk back in to our homes where we once thought there would be a child...but then that child has just as suddenly disappeared...how does a mother of loss exist?! That was me when we lost Jack and Ethan in 2007 my life and world changed. And I didn't know how to BE any more. I didn't know my identity. I was a mother...yet I wasn't to those around me. I was a mother of identical twins...yet no one knew. I walked in to my home empty armed after being at the hospital for my D&C. The final moment of carrying my children. And now after losing Zac...my life and world changed again. My home was to have two of everything. My house was to be filled with double the laughter and double the smelly diapers and double the food all over the floor for my dogs to joyfully clean up. We were to watch as our sons rolled together on the floor. This morning is just really hit because there was Evan rolling around and jabbering at sound shattering levels and it hit all over again...what would it have been like to watch him playing with his twin brother? And still sometimes when Evan starts crying in his sleep I wonder "do you know someone is missing?" I know I've talked about that before, and it might be repetitive...but it's my blog, so I don't care :) It's what is on my heart today. My heart goes out to hurting moms and dads. My heart goes out to this couple who just lost their baby on an airplane ride. Lets remember to pray for them...as they will need it desperately even though they have no idea who all is lifting them in prayers. The other night after Evan had gone to bed and Brett was busy with some stuff around the house I took my dogs for a walk. It was dark, and crisp...it was perfect. And tears began to roll down my face. In the fear of the past week and a bit with Evan's drinking I got even more angry at God. I guess I just don't know WHO to target my anger at...and unfortunately just like my husband often gets the brunt of my exhaustion and stress...God gets my anger. I found myself slowly starting to talk to God again. Asking Him to just reveal himself to me again. Thanking him for the way he lovingly stepped aside to feel what I need to feel and not condemn me or push me. I cried out for help. I cried out for love. I cried out for some form of peace. I no longer cry out for understanding...because that just will never happen. I asked him to hug my three heavenly children for me and to tell them that I love them. I asked him to teach me the way to be the mother that Evan so desperately deserves. I asked him to heal memories of NICU, and Zac's funeral and burial, the fears of the months after Evan came home and fears that I have now of the present and the future. Not to let me forget...but to find healing. And not like there was this immediate epiphany and washing over...but it was a step. It was a step back towards working on my relationship with God. There are more days ahead to my life...and I want to find a way to have those days be more full of love and life and laughter once again. Don't get me wrong...I'm well aware that there will be my friend "grief" tagging along beside my "joy"...and I can't say that I would want "grief" to disappear entirely....just not to be so intense and all-consuming. I really want to start a project that will carry on yearly in memory of Zac that will benefit other children. I want it to be special. I want his little life to touch others. I'm just so confused as to how to go about it or what exactly I want to do. BUT, I NEED to do something. Please pray that the right project will come to my mind. A project that will somehow move others in their times of trouble/grief/sorrow. Anyhow, Evan should be waking up soon. Please also continue to pray that Evan will keep back on this uptrack of drinking during the day :) And continue to pray for peace for me. thanks, and have a great day!


  1. I agree with what you said about live babies being a miracle. I am always amazed at people who have "normal" experiences - when for me it seems like such an extraordinary blessing.

  2. I hear you on not asking why or asking for understanding because there just really isn't any answer that will suffice. I know it is selfish and horrible, but if the answer was the cure for cancer somehow....I still want Matthew and would trade it. And both my mother and John's father died of cancer. I just can't see any scenario where the sacrifice of Matthew is worth it to me.
    But as MLK Jr. said..."Faith is taking the first step when you can't see the staircase." so I choose to at least continue working on my relationship with God. It's not easy, as you so eloquently said...but it's where I am right now and as you said...a step. Hugs!