I am still confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the Lord
Psalm 27: 13-14

Sunday, January 24, 2010

Winter has arrived...

Wow...what an amazing pile of snow outside! We've been wondering when this would happen...and it's here. While I was making coffee this morning I saw someone snow blowing our walkway and a few others on our block. That was a nice sight...and very appreciated! Brett will be greatful! Now he just has to snowblow the driveway! It's strange how the weather affects me. The past few days have been so grey and gloomy, and it's really hard to stay "up" with no sunshine. Also, with all the snow I start to feel my chest tighten as I know when I go to the cemetery my little boys grave will be buried deep. **sigh** It makes me feel claustrophobic almost. I know Zac is in a much better place, but this is the visual I see here on earth...even though in my mind I can see my sweet boy running...healthy and happy and free. I'm also feeling so bad for Evan. This teething thing is no easy task, and he is going crazy. I try all the tricks and tips, but he is still hurting. Which means it is also that much longer with him not taking a bottle or drinking much during the day. I know I said I was starting to relax about it all...but I can't stop worrying about him. How?! I can almost feel myself getting physically sick because I've been worrying so much. I know he is doing well, and I know we are getting some fluids in him one way or another...but I seriously feel like I am the only one who has ever had to deal with this. Whenever I mention it to other moms, no one seems to have experienced this "dilema", and that's good...for them :) But it just makes me feel very alone and confused as to what to do. I know Evan's doctors keep telling me to just trust him and just watch for signs of dehydration...but just that word "dehydration" freaks me out. I get all knotted up inside before I try to give him a bottle. Yet I know I can't let him sense my anxiety. I know that as this passes (Oh God...pleeeeeeeeeeease let this pass!!!) I will feel silly for being such a nut about it...but Evan is my one and only. I feel like I only have this one opportunity and one chance to do things right. Yet I'm scared to do anything wrong. I know I can't force him to drink, and I'm trying to follow his lead...but it scares me...the thought of anything going wrong and us ending up back at the hospital. UGH! I'm driving myself crazy!! I'm sorry for being so repetitive about this whole teething thing. I think it's just a trigger to other fears and emotions. I know the enemy is using it to his advantage to bring me to doubt myself. I can hear "you couldn't protect Zac...and now you will fail with Evan". Yes, I know...awful lies and couldn't be further from the truth. I know I am doing my best with Evan...but I'm scared my best will not be enough because my best was not enough for Zac. I did everything by the book. I took every precaution up to that horrid day of my water breaking. I believed that God had given us this second chance after losing Jack and Ethan in 2007, and believed that if He had brought us this far with such blessings then nothing would go wrong...right? WRONG! I don't blame God any more. I don't assume that He caused our pain on purpose to teach us some "lesson". I don't believe that He dangled a dream in front of us and then ripped it away. I don't believe that He failed me...but I feel like I failed my sons. I don't understand any of it. And a lot of it has caused me to question myself, but I know that I need to use it as stepping stones to trust God even more. I know I'm the type of person who needs to know and understand, and I guess that's what makes loss so difficult. Even something as common as teething has me on my knees in tears. We'll get there. Anyhow...again could you please lift us in prayer. Still Evan with his teething and drinking. And me...well, you can decipher from above what I need prayer for. But mostly, please pray for confidence for me with Evan and that I will not question myself to illness. Well, I suppose I should sign off. I want to get to the grocery store so that I can actually make a few meals this week!!! Might seem crazy to make that trip today...but funny how something as simple as a grocery trip can lighten ones mood!


  1. Oh Heather....your best WAS good enough...it's exactly what God asked of you, and don't think that because it didn't end the way we think it should, it had ANYTHING to do with you...you could no easier stop your water from breaking or anything happening than you could change your eye color or whether you are an 'innie' or an 'outie' (belly button)!!! You are right--that IS the enemy! And I think you are right--I don't think God is in Heaven with puppet strings plucking babies off this planet. Someone the other day said something very basic but very true--the bottom line, and the reason we will sometimes never understand, is that THIS is NOT Heaven. Period. It's just not. And as such, we will constantly seek answers for things that don't make sense...we will constantly doubt whether or not we could have done something differently...we will always, always, always second-guess every decision we may make as parents to any living children we have...and that's how the enemy wins and wants it!

    You couldn't have loved any of your boys any less than you do, and God knows you would have done anything you could have if it would have made a difference. It wouldn't. We just are not in control. Praying for your peace and for little guy's teeth!!!

  2. Continual prayers for you hon. I'm trying to keep up to date with your blog posts and although I don't often have much to say, please know you are all in my thoughts and prayers so very often. Love you♥