I am still confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the Lord
Psalm 27: 13-14

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Not sure how...

I'm just not sure how to deal with all the feelings, emotions, memories, pains of these very days one year ago. And it's not like I have just a couple of days of build up...I have 5 weeks. And I'm actually really caught off guard at how deeply it is all affecting me. I knew it would be tough...but it's like in my mind I see exactly what was going on this time last year, and feeling exactly what I was feeling this time last year. And even though I try to keep my mind busy and distracted...that awful feeling of anguish sits heavy on my stomach. This time last year we were fighting against any possible infection that could bring on labor. We were praying for a miracle that the membranes would somehow re-seal and fluid would be restored to Zac. I remember laying in that hospital bed with terror flooding through me for my boys. Wondering why we were being put through such a heart ache once again. Feeling total disbelief and absolutely helpless. I remember my mom was stuck in Texas and couldn't get home, and my precious dad came and sat by my side every day. Poor Brett trying to deal with what was happening, plus carrying on with his business and caring for the dogs and the house. So much fell on him during these weeks. And he did such an amazing job. I remember the nights at the hospital...and days...of women in labor and me feeling so devastated and "jealous" because here I was fighting for the lives of my sons to keep them inside. Knowing I wouldn't experience a typical, joyful delivery. Knowing that I might never hear my sons cry. I'm trying so hard to focus on the miracles we did receive each day. Today this time last year...both my sons still lived within me. Today this time last year my sweet little Zac kept on fighting and growing and I still got to feel him move and listen to his heart beat. My boys still got to play together and be together. Today this time last year I was still a mother pregnant with twin boys. I still hoped. I still prayed. I still believed that something miraculous could happen. But what keeps weighing on me is why. Why do some get the story book happy ending and some don't? Why do some pray for a miracle and get the full deal blessing and others don't? The other question that plagues me is...if God knows the days of our lives before we are even knit together in our mothers wombs...why bother praying? If our prayers are not going to be "answered"? I don't say that in a synical bitter way. I don't say that to discredit God. I know I'm trying to learn that even though He knows...we are still asked to bring him our desires and requests. It doesn't mean it will happen the way WE hope, or be answered in the way WE think it should be. It just means we are putting trust in God to at least ask. I will never ever ever understand this. I will never ever understand the reasons for some peoples blessings and other peoples pain. I think a lot of our thinking is how we are taught as children about "ask and receive". I really think teachings should include reality too...that just because you ask...it doesn't mean you will receive what you wanted. Teach children that God isn't just a geenie in a bottle and if we rub our bibles we'll get our three wishes granted. Looking back I think we are a bit disallusioned in our teaching. WOW, I know I'm sounding totally synical here, and absolutely don't mean to, I just mean that I would have rather been taught how to ALSO deal with sadness and "unanswered" prayers so that as I grew up and these hurts began to happen I would have some tools on how to deal and cope, instead of just thinking God was some big meanie. I know I must sound like I never feel happy or joyful. I know. Right now the pain of grief is what I need to work through because I AM happy and joyful. Right now my son is asleep in his crib. Right now my son looks like an angel. Right now I find myself wanting to just go and stare at him in awe and amazement seeing this gift that I have been entrusted with. Evan is a miracle. Evan is a fighter. Evan is this precious amazing blessing that I feel unworthy of...but very blessed to have here with us. Do you see where the struggle is? Can you understand how a mother can be full of love and joy, yet sorrow and grief all at the same time? It's the strangest...and most difficult thing I've ever been through. They will be tough days. Yet I can remember that these next five weeks meant I had 5 more weeks with both of my boys than doctors ever thought I would. And I want to focus on that. Yet...I know the ending...and I know that pain is yet to hit all over again. I know that we didn't get the total story book ending, although with Evan...we are able to love and grow and believe and trust and hope. Evan in himself is a story book ending. I look forward to each day with him. We are able to laugh at our little clown and watch him in amazement as he figures life out around him. It's so fun to see the wheels turning in his head. He is a blessing. A gift. An answer to prayer. I look forward to our future together. I look forward to growing with him as his mommy. We look forward to growing together as his parents. Well, on a different note... Evan had his usual OT/Physio appointment yesterday and his OT and PT are very happy with his continued development. He is hitting all the right milestones for his corrected age, and moving right along. The last few days he has been getting up on all fours and trying to figure that out, although it eventually ends in a belly flop or face plant. The last few days have also given some reprive with the battle of the bottle. He has been in a bit less discomfort with all these little teeth popping through, so he has been able to start drinking a bit easier. I've still had to remain creative with how he takes his bottle...but it's definitely giving me exercise!! He is so long and heavy but he will only take it if we are walking around and I'm "waltzing" to music and singing to him. I somehow jam the bottle under my chin and away we go. There hasn't been much of a struggle any more...and I'm relived. Because I was starting to get really paranoid for him. So hopefully we are getting back on track, and hopefully he will get a bit of a break from any new teeth so he can just have a bit of a rest. Two months straight was a lot...for both of us! :) Our new house is moving right along. This week the hardwood floors go in. Projected to still start moving in by the end of the month. Ummmmmm, ya, still haven't listed our current house. GEESH...we ARE still hoping miracles exist!! :) hee hee hee. We are pushing our luck. So this week I REEEEEEEALLY get serious with getting stuff done and organized inside here!! But I'm getting to a point too where, if some stuff isn't totally done the way I hoped, oh well. I am looking forward to a fresh start. Looking forward to some new memories. Yet there is a part of me that is scared to move forward because I can't let go of the past. It's hard to leave some memories. However, it will be good for all of us. AND, I will be THRILLED to have a sweeeeeet kitchen to begin cooking and baking in again!!! BUT, one hard part will be that we will have no fence or grass for a while...and ya...with two dogs, my house is going to be a struggle to remain clean and mud free. Thank goodness for a heated garage! They will have to dry off in there. Should have put in a mini shower at our back entrance powder room for the dogs!! Brett did an AMAZING job with the design of the house. He is an extremely talented guy! And he has been putting a lot in to it, so this house has sweet meaning! It's quiet out in that area though!!! I'm going to have a hard time adapting to that, as well as not being able to just pack up and walk down 8th street to my little places with Evan. ALTHOUGH...on a good day I could do it! Would certainly help in the area of losing this last bit of baby weight that really needs to go away now. Anyhow, just needed to get some thoughts out. Please continue to pray for us as we work through these next weeks and face the dates of March. And please continue to pray for Evan for relief from his teething woes! Thanks.

1 comment:

  1. Hi Heather! I don't know if you remember me, but we used to talk on the Hannah's Prayer website. We had the same due date; my screen name was Nikkiglu. I live in Texas. Anyway, for some reason I had been thinking about you lately, and was wondering how Evan is doing. So I was glad that I found your blog again! Evan is so cute! I'm so glad he's doing well and such a strong fighter. I know this is a hard time for you, so I'll be praying for you again. Sorry that we lost touch for so long. I have looked at your blog here and there, but couldn't figure out how to post a comment until now. --Nicole--