I am still confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the Lord
Psalm 27: 13-14

Friday, February 19, 2010

Thinking of last year, but facing this year

This was me at 25wks 4 days. On one of my 5 hour day passes from the hospital.
Here I am in my hospital room. I have an IV in...so this was in the first week of our 5 week hospital living. So I would have been week 23 here.
Just a fun picture with Brett's phone that adds these extra fun things. Kisses to my boys!!
Fast forward and now Evan is getting loves from Tag!! :)
Boogying along!
I've been reading back to my old posts from last year...to the exact day of what today would be.
Feb 19 last year I wrote about "carefree" stuff and talked about how it marked week 26 of carrying Zac and Evan. 3 weeks in after rupturing with Zac...3 weeks that doctors didn't think would happen. 3 weeks of feeling BOTH my boys alive and well. 3 weeks of hearing Zac's heart beat twice a day along with his brothers. 3 weeks of HORRIBLE hospital food!!! 3 weeks of staring out my hospital room window feeling the saddness of not being able to have a complication-free pregnancy and not being able to walk in to a store with my huge proud belly and not being able to be home preparing for BOTH my boys arrivals. Every plan of preparing meals for my freezer...dashed. Every dream of setting up both cribs...crumbled. Every dream of FINALLY after 10 years being able to have people "ooh" and "aaah" over my belly.
Nope...just people in the hospital.
However, I did get to hear the precious nurses on 4th floor antepartum tell me how much bigger my belly had gotten in those three weeks, and how well we were doing.
Ohhhh, if only.
I try hard every day to focus on the joys in the moments carrying both my boys. Every back pain, every bout of heart burn, every sleepless night, every kick, stretch, hiccup from inside me.
And then moments like this morning hit, as I watch Evan playing...alone...Sitting there banging on toys or jabbering away to the air or scooting across the floor on his bum. But always...alone.
I know I can't keep focusing on that. I know I can't keep allowing that pain to overwhelm me. But come on...I'm only just going through the hardest part of memories and milestones.
I keep trying to remind myself "OK Heather, focus on the fact that exactly this time last year you were STILL pregnant!! You still have 15 days that you were pregnant for. Enjoy those thoughts and memories!!"
But it hurts as I listen to others talk about their 3rd trimester "blues" because I would have given anything to have had more than just one week of my third trimester. I know I can't put that on others...so I silently swallow the tears and try to focus on their joy.
Then there it is again...the sorrow AND joy fight. Yes...I have sorrow in these memories...but I ALSO have joy! Look at Evan!! My 28 week wonder! My 2 pound 9 ounces fighter!
Yes, there will always be sorrow attached to the joy...but Evan has been unbelievable!!!!!
I suppose that is why it has been sooooo hard watching while he has been sick. I only ever saw him with one serious set back in NICU that lasted not even a week, but for the rest of his 66 day stay he did so well. So to watch him soooo not his full normal self a week after he came down with this tummy bug...it's tough.
And ever since he got sick he has become especially attached to me. He is having a tough time sleeping through the night and will wake up with the saddest of cries that I haven't heard before. I catch myself thinking "do you remember? Do you know what was happening this time last year? Do you feel what is approaching? Can you sense that you were NOT MEANT to be ALONE? Can you sense that your brother is missing?"
I often wonder what he will feel and what he will sense. I've heard so many stories of a twin who has lost a sibbling even at a young age sensing that "someone" was missing. And how could they not? For their lives inside they were together, playing, kicking, pushing each other. One was meant to be two.
It's tough reliving each of these days. Even though there were such miracles and blessings in each one of them...I keep seeing the ending. And even though I know that Zac's life did not "end"...it still hurts my heart here on earth.
I wish I could have heard his cries. I wish I could have watched both my sons being born instead of being knocked out due to the urgency of getting the boys. I wish I would have taken a video of Zac while he was still alive, more than just pictures so I could have seen his chest rise and fall...even if it was a ventilator doing most of the work. To see him turn his head as he heard our voices. To watch his precious eyes staring back at me.
I'm angry that this is what these posts are mostly about. Instead of sharing the joys of both my boys together, and even Evan now...my posts are threaded with sadness. Welcome to my world.
Oh the joy and blessing Evan brings to our lives. Last night we were out for dinner and he was sitting in his Bumbo chair just hollering away and having a great time!!! It was so funny to watch, and so good to laugh! I do laugh you know! It IS still a part of my life!
Evan has brought a piece of my heart more to life than ever before. Yet part of my heart died with Zac...even though that part of my heart is still saturated with love for my son in heaven.
Today Evan has to go for his 4th round of shots for RSV prevention. He knows exactly what is going on now. I am SOOOOO glad that it is 2 nurses who give the shots at the same time so he doesn't have to go through a drawn out process!! I just feel bad because he is still feeling a bit out of sorts and still not eating solids so I hope that it doesn't set him back again!
I'm going to ask for him to be weighed. Should be interesting. Just over a week ago he was 19 pounds 8 ounces 2 days before he got sick...so I'm curious to see how it affected him.
I'm on the hunt for more age appropriate toys too! He is soooooooooo inquisitive about everything! He doesn't necessarily care about the toy itself, he wants to figure out how it works! It's amazing to watch!! He takes everything in! He LOVES mechanical things. A couple weeks ago we were over at our new house and our framer was framing in the basement and using some loud power tools and Evan just got a HUGE grin on his face and wanted to watch while he hummed along!! I thought he would have freaked out, but not my boy!!! I'm sure he would have loved to have gotten his hands on the tools!! He does love to hold the vacume cleaner handle!! I think I have a helper on my hands! Wooo hoooo!!
The new house is moving along nicely. We got our carpet in and now it is starting to feel "homey". Still a bit to do, but hopefully we will be in by Brett's projected timeframe. Before Evan's birthday. But we'll see!! I still need a few items, and my new table and chairs won't be in until the end of March so we'll have to use the one we have now...which has funny memories to it! It's this puney table but it has served us fine as we don't often use it!! Sadly it is more of a holding zone for mail, papers, baby stuff, etc. But not my new one!! NO WAY!!!!! It's way too awesome for that! I can hardly wait to get it!
Well, I suppose I should go get some stuff done while Evan naps. I am waiting for some inspection guy to come and do the inspection on our CRV lease release. What a waste of time when we are just buying it out! And I HATE when they give you "they will be there between 9am-1pm". Ummmmm, I have a life that is somewhat hairy right now and could use something more specific! I feel like I can't go to my basement to pack incase I don't hear the door. And I feel like I am losing a day of packing/cleaning/sorting!!! The morning wasted by waiting for this person and then Evan has his appointment this afternoon which will take up a chunk. However, THAT is not a waste of time!!
OK, so instead of procrastinating I better go and utilize what time I have! I just needed to "talk" today. I've been kind of avoiding posting lately as I try to sort through the emotions that I feel. I do that. I journalled EVERY day during our IVF cycle this last time up until Zac passed away and then BANG, I stopped. I was too angry, too scared at how real I would be on paper. Plus, I have this to reflect back on....so I can always just print out my entries instead. But I can go through phases where I just shut down from even myself.
Anyhow, please continue to pray for Evan's health and for restored appetite and strength. As well for better sleep at night. For his peace. I've been so exhausted too because well, when he doesn't sleep...I don't sleep. And it is catching up with me. But he is worth the sleeplessness.
Thanks everyone.


  1. Prayers for you and Evan daily. It is nice to be able to go back and look at 'carefree' posts, isn't it? A reminder of a happier (though anxious still) time.
    So glad your little guy is doing well, and hugs to you friend, as you face each day with a bittersweet joy. I can't even begin to imagine.
    Much love!!!!

  2. 喜樂的心是健康良藥,憂傷的靈使骨枯乾。........................................