I am still confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the Lord
Psalm 27: 13-14

Friday, August 6, 2010

This and that

Enjoying rainbow sherbert on a hot night in Kelowna! Yummmmmm.
First time in a pool!!
The life of holidays! Crashed!!!!
Pit stop on our way to Kelowna at the spray park in Drumheller to cool off before more driving.
Doesn't Evan looked thrilled to be driving driving driving!
I've really been struggling since being home. Besides still recovering from the flu I have just had this rock sitting in my stomach. This constant aching sadness. Not the flu...and NO, not any other bright ideas that "oh, maybe it's something else"...cause that's always laughable to me! Not with our history, and I'll never hold my breath on that one!
Just plain old knots in the stomach.
Yes, partially the flu. Yes, it's always sad to have a holiday end...especially when you haven't been on a real one in 13 years. And yes, it's always hard to come back to reality.
But there is this constant feeling in my stomach that I just haven't been able to shake.
And like I said before, the tears are just finding their way to my eyes and down my cheeks.
A lot of it is because we heard some sad news of a couple we know...and they lost a child they were about to adopt. Literally. He passed away just before they were going to pick him up overseas. And my heart is broken. My heart aches, because although this precious angel may not have made it to his new home and family...I know he is emersed in their hearts, their dreams of a future together...and my heart aches.
I know all too well the pain of not being able to bring your son home after all your dreams and hopes and prayers. The confusion and the pain.
To this couple...my heart is aching so deeply for you in a unique way that not many could ever understand.
And like I said before...I've been missing Zac so deeply lately. But that will never change...no matter how many years pass us by. He is in my heart, and my heart will always ache for the dreams we lost with our son.
BUT, the past couple of days I was determined to pick myself up from my funk. I was determined to create some adventures for Evan and I...and I did. I think today was by far the most fun this week! We did a few errands this morning and then went by daddy's office where Evan ran circles squeeling as daddy got to have a few minutes of chasing him around the office. And then on the way home on a whim I stopped at a waterpark by our house (thank goodness I had come semi-prepared with a change of clothes and a swimmer diaper...see...it pays to be over-prepared sometimes!!) and Evan ran around and through all the different sprayers with the other kids. Of course, as it will always happen...I was faced with a set of twins...and possibly two sets (I wasn't sure if they were all this one mom's kids)...and of course my heart panged with the ache. But I kept my focus on Evan, and ran around with him and got wet with him and laughed and giggled with him. THAT was my focus!! Even if my eyes and mind did wander over to the set of twins.
We came home, had lunch, Evan napped and then when he got up I packed him and the dogs up and we went for a walk through the park that was my old elementary school park and rivalry elementary school park. We found a swing that Evan could be in, but he kept reaching for the empty one beside him and grunting until I pushed that one too. And yes...there it was again...the sadness of knowing this is the swing that Zac should be beside Evan in. Not an empty swing that I was pushing. NO, I wasn't losing my mind or going loopy...Evan just wanted to watch it swing too. Every where on that playground was the reminder of TWO. Two infant swings, two slides side by side, two rides, two ropes...it will never be something I can hide from. It will always be a part of my reality. No matter how much it may sting from time to time.
But today I had a wonderful day with Evan. We have been having so much fun on our outings, and I want him to just feel totally engulfed by my love for him. I can't hug him enough, kiss him enough, tell him how much I love him enough, how proud I am of him. I can't stop awing at the little boy he is becoming.
I can't thank Brett enough for all his hard work so that I CAN be the one to raise our son! That I CAN stay home with him and teach him and raise him the way I hope he will grow. I can't be more proud of my husband for all he does, and for what he does. His hard work is allowing me to be the mom I always dreamed of.
No matter how hard things can be day to day...I am bursting with love for my sons in different ways. I will love both of them until my dying day. I am bursting with love for Evan for each day we have together on this earth. Life is so fragile. There are no garauntees. There are no promises. There are no warantees. There is just day by day. And I want to make each day count. I want Evan to know each day how very much I love him, and how much I love being with him. And that I pray for the very best of life for him.
Today, even though that gnawing pit in my stomach is still there...my heart is overflowing with love. And that is what I am focusing on!
I've included just a few of our holiday pictures. I will post a few more in my next post...so keep an eye out :)


  1. Oh, bless the hearts of your poor friends... I can't even imagine--I know all the heartache of getting right up to that point and then the country closing, but the little one passing away??? Heartbreaking!!!! Praying for them (and of course, for you!) xoxoxo

  2. I have been following your journey for a little while. I rejoice with you and cry with you. I pray for you often. Knowing that our Father will be with you always- as He has been in the past and will continue in your future. God bless you and your family.