I am still confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the Lord
Psalm 27: 13-14

Saturday, August 28, 2010

The precious heart of a 5 year old...

today's additions to Zac's grave site.
So, my 5 year old nephew has always been far more intelligent for his age. So sensitive, so inquisitive, so absorbent of that which goes on around him.
I've shared stories of how Zac's passing was remembered by Fin in the past...but last night was something else!
Last night my sis-in-law and the kids had a sleep over at my house. We met at Blockbuster first to pick out some movies for the kids, and when Fin saw me and Evan in the store he came running up to me and said "we were talking about Zac!!"
I was taken off guard and had to compose myself for a second...but my heart over-flowed with love for my precious nephew!
Then as we were scanning the movie aisles Fin said "I don't know why Zac's balloon had to pop!?"
Sis-in-law and I looked at each other and then at Fin and said "what?" And he repeated himself. Sis-in-law asked "do you mean Evan's balloon?", but Fin was adamant that he meant ZAC'S balloon.
Then he looked at me and said "Zac's balloon in your TUMMY!"
I was stunned. Not a hurt stunned, not a shattered stunned...just stunned that he would say that. Then sis-in-law explained that Fin had been asking questions about Zac and this was the way she explained what happened. And to be warned that Fin might talk about it through the night.
I was so touched. Touched that my precious nephew would be the one to ask questions. Touched that my sis-in-law would be open and honest with him and try to explain things in ways that might help him to understand. Touched that my precious Zac is not forgotten and his name will be spoken. Touched to HEAR Zac's name come from someone. Leave it to the pure innocence of a child! A child who remembers his cousin even though he never met him. A child that remembers the funeral and how the music made him sad.
On the way home we has swapped Fin's car seat to my car and on the drive Fin asked who Evan's favorite person was when he was a baby, and was it Zac? Then he asked if Zac moved a lot when he was born and I carefully explained that no, Zac didn't move because he was so sick and was on many medications that wouldn't allow him to move so he wouldn't hurt himself. Then Fin states "ya, Zac needed lots of fluid in your tummy to breathe and that's why he got sick. But he had enough to breathe and save Evan!!"
OK...I didn't know how much more my heart could take without having to pull over and fall to pieces. But you know...hearing things so innocently and matter-of-fact from Fin was so special to me. Hearing him talk about his cousin, and asking these questions and associating that Zac saved his brother's life...can I just say I am blown away.
So many days I feel like I will never hear anyone acknowledge Zac or have them say his name.
When I refer to Evan's birth it is ALWAYS "when I had the boys" or "when the boys were born"...but to so many others it is just "when Evan was born".
And I get it. I can't fault anyone for that, because their topic has to do with EVAN, and I understand that. But I guess I just wish I could hear from someone else "when the BOYS were born" because Zac was born, and did live.
It's tricky. I get that. And I try not to feel hurt. I CAN'T allow myself to feel hurt.
But moments like last night...restore my heart and fill it with just that much more...hope.
I am so greatful for my nephew, and for my sister-in-law who is helping keep Zac's memory alive in his cousins!


  1. Through your blogs we have gotten to know Evan and Zac , both. We will remember.

  2. Zac is in more hearts than you know. Your nephew's reaction is exactly why we don't erase his name or forget it happened. Sending warm hugs.

  3. Love, love, love your sweet nephew's heart. It's precious.

    I absolutely, positively understand how it's always when you had the boys or when they were born...that's the way it was and always will be...

    Lots and lots of love sweet friend!