Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Well isn't that just a kick in the pants!!
So, after a wonderful holiday away the following day all three of us got HAMMERED with the flu! Brett got it by far the worst. I felt awful for him. And once again...enter super-parents (my mom and dad). Because Brett got sick around 2am and me around 2:30am, I hoped that maybe Evan would escape the illness...so early in the morning I called my parents to come and take Evan to their house to try to rescue him. And just as I was about to scoot them all out the door...Evan got sick. So my amazing parents stayed at my house risking their own health in order to care for Evan while Brett and I lay in agony in bed. Honestly...my parents are one of a kind. I don't know if it's just from being so sick so fast or what it is...but the past few days have been an emotional nightmare for me. I can't stop crying. I can't get rid of this nagging, gnawing pit in my stomach. And I'm missing Zac more and more. I miss my son. I miss my baby. I want to go away on another vacation with Brett and Evan. I'm not ready to be back here. And since being back I feel more alone here than when I did in a city where I knew literally no one. Evan has been such a trooper through this hit of the flu. It literally shakes me to the core when he gets sick. Granted, he has only been sick once since coming home. He had the flu last winter, so really...he has been fortunate. But it terrifies me. The thought of anything wrong with my son terrifies me and shakes me up. Yet...he is my warrior. He just keeps on trucking! He puts me to shame! And he has bounced back just fine! He is as busy as ever. And sleeping really good through the night. He has actually been sleeping about 12 hours each night...but he has also cut out one of his day time naps. Can't expect him to sleep that much during the day when he gets up later! And it's working fine, so we just go with the flow. But to see my son tired and weak from illness...it breaks my heart and sets off fears that I'm sure will always be a part of me because of Evan's start to life. I just wish I could protect him from anything crummy! He is walking all the time now!! Unless of course he wants to get somewhere really fast...then he gets on his super-knees and just flies! However, he is ATTEMPTING to RUN too!!!! It's absolutely adorable. Being away on holiday was good for all of us. You could see how much Evan loved having both his mommy and daddy to himself all day every day...and it was so precious for me to have my guys all to myself as well. Everything just felt so relaxed. I even caught myself thinking for a split second...what would it be like if we moved? But then I knew that could never happen. How could I ever leave Zac? How could I leave where he is buried? I don't think I could. We realized on this trip how very important time together is. Yes, life has so much stress and pain...but we HAVE to make one another a priority, and our family first. Because without that...there wouldn't be much of a life. And watching how much fun Evan had with us...that is what I want. I want my son to know that he is first. I want my son to know just how very much his mom and dad love him and adore him and want to have special times and moments together. I want us to have special memories for him to hold on to and say one day "remember when..." That's what I want. It's funny...even though Evan is peacefully sleeping right now, I just want to go in to his room and scoop him in my arms and just hold him and watch him breathing peacefully and perfectly. I'm already looking forward to the chaos of the day :) Anyhow, I am working through our vacation photos. I feel sad because there are a lot of shots that I wish I had taken, and feel like there are just NOT enough to justify the time away. And a lot of the times they are pictures of just Brett and Evan or me and Evan...and not enough of the three of us together. Always hindsight you see what you wished you would have done. BUT, the important thing is that every minute of each of those days are ingrained in my memory. And it warms my heart. Well, one of these days I'll get some of those pictures posted to share!! Soon! But for now, I must get ready for my son to wake up and get ready to play. Hugs, Heather