Heaven...

I don't know what heaven will be like.  I know what I've been told through bible stories and church sermons...but who really knows?  Streets of gold, angelic music...I don't know.

I know what I hope.  I hope it is true that as I am walking through heavens gates I will see the faces of all the loved ones gone before me.  I hope that they will look at me as though no time has passed, and with love and excitement to show me "home".  I hope that our 4 heavenly children will be right there to greet me and that I will hear "MOMMY, you're HOME!!", and that they will wrap their little arms around my legs.
I hope that all 5 of my children will finally play together and know each other...and Brett and I will see what was meant to be...in heaven.

I have a devotional book that admittedly I don't do daily, but it is called HOPE by Nancy Guthrie.  I was thumbing ahead through the topics and came across this bible verse:

"The day you die is better than the day you were born." - Ecclesiastes 7:1

I can see that.  I can see that from a faith-based perspective.  Earth...this is not home.  This is for now.  This is the place we get the chance to live out our lives the way God would want us to.  Not necessarily what WE want, but what God hopes to show to others THROUGH US. 
Yet still...as a mommy with 4 of her babies not in her arms...this is a tough verse for me because the day my babies died...were NOT better...for me.  For them...absolutely.  They are in eternity.  They are more alive than ever possible here on this earth.  But for me...a part of me died inside with each of their passing lives.

BUT...I know we will be together again.  I know that through the life of God's own Son on the cross...we will have eternity together. 

I try to remember this fact when my heart is low.  And still, my heart hurts.  But I know the truth. 

Then last night I took an hour to myself and let Brett have daddy-duty while I took myself on a "me-date".  I went to Scott Parable...love that place!  I got myself a couple CD's and a couple books for Evan, but a song on one of the CD's really touched my heart.  Well...MANY of the songs touched my heart.  Music does that to me.  If nothing else can reach through...put on music and my walls come down.

It's a song called Your Faithfulness by Brian Doerksen and the words are as follows:

I don't know what this day will bring

Will it be disappointing

or filled with longed for things

I don't know what tomorrow holds

Still I know I can trust your faithfulness

I don't know if these clouds mean rain

If they do will they pour down blessing or pain

I don't know what the future holds

Still I know I can trust your faithfulness

Certain as the rivers reach the sea

Certain as the sunrise in the east

I can rest in your faithfulness

Surer than a mother's tender love

Surer than the stars will shine above

I can rest in your faithfulness

I don't know how or when I'll die

will it be a thief

or will I have a chance to say good-bye

I don't know how much time is left

But in the end I will know your faithfulness

When darkness overwhelms my soul

When thoughts are storms of doubt

Still I trust you are always

faithful, always faithful

No one knows what the future holds.  No one can truly plan for tomorrow.  But we can do our best.  We can live out the truth of our loving God.  I've shut Him out so much lately, and have felt silence from Him...only because I've shut out His voice and closed His word.  I've listened to lies from the enemy and have tried to blame God for all my pain, only because I've always been taught "ask and ye shall receive"...

Not always the best verse when it isn't accompanied with...it might not necessarily be what you are specifically asking for...but doesn't mean He won't make good from how He answers.

I don't understand God's answers to some of our pleas.  I am trying not to understand.  I am trying to remain in the mindset that no matter the answer, good or bad...He loves me.  This pain is for a while.  This pain is for this earth.  I will not take my pain with me.  But how I reacted to the pain...shutting out God or choosing to continuing to trust...that WILL come with me. 

I read another verse that I really needed to read:

"I weep with grief; encourage me by your word.  Keep me from lying to myself; give me the privilege of knowing your law.  I have chosen to be faithful; I have determined to live by your laws." - Psalm 119:28-30

A few key words that I need to work on..."encourage", "lying", "privilege", "law", "CHOSEN", "faithful", "determined".

I have felt so DIScouraged.  I have been listening to lies from the enemy and lying to myself.  I have felt unworthy of privilege.  I have shut out God's laws.  I have not chosen to be strong and stay faithful.  I have not felt determined in my faith.

OK...so that's about as raw and honest and truthful and VULNERABLE as one can get!!  But I'm just being real.  I'm putting it out there, so that if there are others who have been struggling...you are NOT ALONE!!

Don't get me wrong.  I haven't turned away from God.  I haven't walked away from my faith.  But I HAVE felt very damaged.  And that is not the person I want to be. 

My sadness and confusion and disappointment has been blame towards God.  The God who moves mountains, heals the sick, raises the dead...I blamed Him because He didn't do this for me.

And yet...He DID! 

Once again...the bitter round-about of grief/loss and joy/receiving. 

On one hand I feel the above because of Zac's death.

On the other hand I saw miracles and SEE miracles in Evan every day! 

Now comes the choice to THANK GOD in both my circumstances, and trust Him, and know that all my babies are safe and sound in heaven above...and that I may not have a house full of noisy children here...but one day I sure will!!! 

Choice is a tough thing.  It sounds simple.  But it's not. 

But it's time to choose to stop listening to the lies, and remember the goodness of all God has done for us!

Pain will never fully disappear here on this earth...but joy will remain as long as we CHOOSE to let it!