I am still confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the Lord
Psalm 27: 13-14

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

One of those days...

 Smelling dried dill seeds
 Added a Dalmatian to our Boxer group!!  hee hee hee
 Trying to get a group photo with Evan and the cousins before Trick or Treating!
 Utter chaos!! :)
 Evan found a branch that looked like a hockey stick.  My boy is CRAZY over hockey!!
Trying it out in the little snow pile.
Enjoying a gorgeous day in the leaves!

Pictures of Evan just get more and more fun.  Watching him growing and all that he gets in to!  It's never a dull moment and always an adventure!

We dressed Evan as a Dalmatian for Halloween.  Figured we needed a new breed with our two boxers.  And wouldn't you know...that is the one picture I FORGOT to take!!!  Evan with our dogs!  DUH!
But we headed out to Brett's parents and saw family over there who all got a kick out of Evan's costume.
Then it was over to my parents with the cousins!  What a gong show!  It was hillarious!
And as you can tell from the pics...it wasn't a successful posed moment :)  hee hee hee.
Mason and Evan kept running in opposite directions.  It was so funny!!
Brighton and Fin were awesome with going door-to-door...Mason and Evan were another story...they just ran down the sidewalks!  So we just walked around the block.  It was fun!  Thank goodness it was a decent night weather-wise!

Evan is a hockey FANATIC!  I kid you not!!  He now owns EIGHT mini hockey sticks and 2 mini hockey nets, and the first word out of his mouth in the morning is either "hockey" or "stick"!  Priceless!!
The other day a hockey game was on TV and when Evan saw it he literally started SHAKING while he yelled "HOOOOOOOCKEYYYYYYYY!!!!!"
Yup...looks like I am going to be a probable hockey mom...but that's okay!  I don't mind at all!

Yesterday was a fun day.  Evan's cousins spent the day and then the night...and Evan was in heaven!  He just loves being with other kids...especially his cousins!  And it's those moments where I really smile with joy because he has them...but it also stings so much because Evan was not meant to be alone.  He was never alone a day of his gestational life.  So it makes it a bitter pill to swallow as I watch him just walk up to other kids ANY where, and how much fun he has with his cousins.  And like I say, I am just SO happy that he has cousins to play and grow up with!!
And when Fin and Brighton went home today I found myself getting choked up as I watched Evan stare as they left and then began playing by himself.  It really stung.
I know he is happy.  I know that we play together all the time.  I know he knows he is loved beyond anything.  I know that he will always know our love, and I will always do my best to fill a spot in his life that is missing.  The spot of his brother.

I find myself feeling the anger again.  It's the way it goes.  It's the roller coaster of grief and trying to sort through life.
But I saw a quote a while ago, and I have had it posted on my Facebook status...because it is so true to my life.

It is a quote by Jackie Kennedy:

"I have been through a lot and suffered a great deal.  But I have had lots of happy moments as well...the good, the bad, the hardship, the joy, the tragedy, love and happiness, all interwoven in to one single indescribable whole that is called life.  You cannot separate the good from the bad.  And perhaps there is no need to do so, either."

I love that quote.  I love how it emphasizes that good and bad often go hand in hand.  We can't escape it.  And that yes, even through suffering and hardships we can also have the happy moments.  The down moments don't mean we don't feel the happy moments.  And the happy moments don't mean we don't feel the down moments.  They are both there.  They are interwoven.  They are very much the essense of my life story.  My joy, my sorrow...they go hand in hand every day.

I hate that I have been feeling so jealous lately.  Jealous of "natural conception" birth announcements, jealous of the happy ending both babies (or more) all come home healthy and together, jealous hearing and watching twins (or more) growing together and the unique relationship they share.
Yes...I feel jealous. 
By no means does it mean I wish anything other for the lucky families of all the above...I just mean that in MY life at THIS time...I feel jealous, and I hate it.  I hate that even with the pure joy and contentment of life with Evan I can still be overriden with the fact of my forever label of "infertile" and requiring assistance to achieve a HOPEFUL child can weigh me down.

I know, as a Christian I shouldn't allow jealousy to come in to my mind/life.  But as a human with a whole heap of pain and confusion...it does.  So please don't condemn or judge me for my brutal honesty.
At this point, today...jealousy and confusion and anger and sorrow weigh me down.
What I need is encouragment.  What I need is prayers.  What I need is friendship.
I don't need condemnation or "tsk tsk...you are not being a Godly woman".

AND THEN, flip side...also today I feel joy, I feel comfort, I feel love and I feel honored to be blessed with Evan in our lives.  Every day is becoming more and more fun as he becomes more and more chatty and even MORE active (if that's at all possible!!)  Every day is such an adventure, and every day my heart just completely overflows with love, and a thankful heart for the blessing God has provided.
Tears often flow with the amount of gratitude I feel to God for sparing Evan's life.
The same tears flow as I question why He allowed Zac to die...even though I know he is very much alive and well.

The other night Brett and I went to dinner and a movie.  We haven't done that since we had the boys!  We tried once when I was pregnant but it was so uncomfortable for me to sit there and I was in the bathroom every two seconds thanks to the four feet pounding on my bladder :)
It was a nice night out...but the movie gave me an unexpected shock.
Two of the characters happened to be identical twin brothers.  And there it began...I began to wonder about OUR identical twins.  What they would have looked like, how they would have been...all the what if's from almost 3 years ago came flooding back.  Next month, December 6th, marks 3 years since we learned our babies died.  It's always a harsh time.  It always stings.  And I never forget.
And the movie certainly didn't help either.
But all in all, it was a treat to be out with Brett and just having some "old time" fun!  We appreciated the night out.  Even though the whole time I kept thinking about how I couldn't wait to get home to be with Evan!

Well,  I will end with one last quote that is helping to encourage me in my personal prayer life.

"The best reason to pray is that God is really there.  In praying, our unbelief gradually starts to melt.  God moves smack into the middle of even an ordinary day...Prayer is a matter of keeping at it...Thunderclaps and lightning flashes are very unlikely.  It is well to start small and quietly."
-Emily Griffin

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