Brett and I realized we had never received Zac's official Death Certificate. For some reason that certificate is "important" to me. We have his birth certificate...so we "should" have his death certificate as well.
So I sent in a request for Zac's death certificate a few months ago...and a few days ago...it arrived.
I knew it was coming. I've been waiting for it, and frustrated each day it didn't arrive. But when I finally did open that mail box and saw the envelope...I wasn't prepared for the sadness that it would cover me in.
Like it was the final piece to the nightmare. The "unseen" face in the nightmare that never ends.
I opened it. I looked at it. And I felt raw. Numb. Empty. Sad. Angry. Bitter. Defeated. Lonely.
I saw one line that said "Marital Status - Never Married".
I realize even more so now that instead of watching both of my sons find amazing mates and watching both their weddings and hopefully one day their own familes grow...one family will never be. One wedding will never happen. One batch of wishful grandkids will never come to be.
BUT, there is also a sense of "closure" for lack of better word. That certificate was a final piece of the reality of what happened. And the loss of our son. And the final recognition of his short precious life.
I'm sad I ever had to open this. But I'm "glad" it's finally done and here where it "belongs".
I always dreamed of being a mommy. For as long as I can ever remember. I dreamt of the day I would become pregnant, see my child/ren, watch them grow...and have more children. I never had a set number of children I "hoped" for...I just always assumed that it would happen. And naturally.
I never once pictured that I would be the mother of more children in heaven than on earth. I never imagined that it would happen to us. I never thought we would struggle to conceive on our own. I never saw this as part of our path. Just goes to show that you can pray for your hopes, you can plan what you'd like, you can dream of the future you hope for...but you have no say. It's not up to you. It's out of your hands. Yet...I can't let that go.
I still hope. I still hold this ridiculously niave hope that we'll be one of the "lucky ones" who can say "oh yes, we conceived on our own after treatments"...but I know better. I know not to hold my breath. I know not to assume of dream of this. I'm just riding it all out and seeing where life takes us.
I still have hopes and dreams of another child/ren...but I hold fears beyond excited expectations and dreams.
I have lost 4 of our 5 children...how could I not be afraid? How could I not protect myself from more pain by not hoping for a future I don't know may ever happen.
But I'm praying for strength for whatever the future MAY hold.
THEN THE FLIP SIDE...
As with every painful moment life throws at me...there is that precious renewal of joy that Evan brings.
This amazing little boy who is becoming quite the little character each day!!
I'm sorry if you are a weak-stomach person...but I just have to share this story because it made me laugh so hard my ribs hurt!
Evan has had a runny nose for about 5 days now. He has learned the "farmer blow" or "hockey blow"...blowing his nose without a kleenex. Ewww, I know. But he thinks this is hilarious! ANYHOW, we were coming home from an appointment yesterday and he was being SO silly and we were giggling away. I realized he was "blowing bubbles" with his spit, and his chin and jacket were soaked...but then the little turkey decided to add in the "kleenex-free nose blow". ALL OVER HIS FACE.
OK...I've always (and still do) had a weak stomach with runny noses. Just really grosses me out, but now I have no choice but to get over it. But THIS...this made me laugh SO hard!!! And I was saying "EVAN!!!" and Evan decided to keep saying over and over "Eeeeevan! Eeeeevan!" which made me laugh even harder!!
I had to pull over on the side of the road to wipe his face and the tears of laughter from my eyes.
It's intertwined...my grief, my joy. And I've come to accept and realize that IT'S OKAY!!!!!! It doesn't HAVE to be separated, because it never will! I'm not a bad mother for feeling sad and missing Zac. I'm not a bad mother for feeling the stab of sadness along with the surges of love and joy with my amazing Evan!
I'M OKAY to feel both, because I have love and lost...and my sons were a pair, meant to be together and grow together and live together...and I was meant to raise them together. And in a wierd way...I AM raising both of them. They are always a pair...a special pair :) But Evan is not to be taken down by my moments of sadness. I will tell him of his brother. He will speak his brothers name. We will do special things on Zac's "heaven day"...I will not hide the truth and reality that Evan has a twin brother. But I will not make him EVER for a SECOND feel like he is any less loved just because I am open in my feelings. I will never compare my sons. I would never have if they were side by side today...and I never will.
Yes, I will always wonder "what if", and how would they have been together, and what kind of personality Zac would have had. But I will never have those moments overshadow my precious boy who I get the honor of watching grow and learn and who I get to love every minute of my life.
Good and bad...our family is a team. And we will walk through life together.