I am still confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the Lord
Psalm 27: 13-14

Thursday, February 10, 2011


"For in this hope we were saved.  But hope that is seen is no hope at all.  Who hopes for what he already has?  But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.  In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness.  We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express.  And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will.  And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."  - Romans 8: 24-28

"Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faith in prayer."  - Romans 12:12

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."  - Romans 15:13

The other day Evan and I went on a "date".  We went to my favorite Christian bookstore where Evan played in the play area for a while and then helped me pick out my favorite thing...a book!
While I was there I thought about Hope.  I don't know why it came to my mind.  Maybe because of the past events of life I realised that "hope" seems like just another word to me some days.  The importance that I felt in hope and the drive I felt by that word seems to have become a bit distant to me. 
And it makes me sad.  I make myself sad knowing that I've become this distant person to the things that kept me going while in the hospital those 5 weeks, and each day since then.  Not that I've rejected God...no, by no means.  But I guess I allowed the enemy to plant the seed of "well look at you now!  You had all this hope and where did it get you." 

AGAIN, let me be clear that these are NOT negative thoughts or feelings projected on to Evan and the miracle of his life or the amazing and endless love that I have for my son!  Don't EVER presume I feel this way towards such a gift.  When I speak candidly, and openly about my struggles and questions...these come from the grieving mommy heart.  The mommy who will never understand why both her sons are not here in her arms.  Once again, these thoughts, emotions and feelings are the joy of living in two totally opposite ends of the spectrum.

Before I left the store I ran back to where they have mugs.  I KNEW I'd find one with the word Hope on it...and I was right.  There it is above in my picture.  I'm drinking my coffee from it now as I type, and look at it often and see that word HOPE...and I know what I must do.

I must find my way back.

No matter how scary, no matter how uncertain, no matter WHAT may lay ahead of us...we can't go on without HOPE.  I can't shut myself off to these words of encouragement and promise just because I felt betrayed.  And even then...I wasn't betrayed.  My little Zac carried out his purpose.  It was by NO MEANS long enough for me to touch him, smell him, watch his eyes focus on me, or to hold him in my arms as he passed away.  But his fight for me and for his brother is slowly helping to restore my HOPE that I will find the strength in myself that I once had. 

The life of a Christian is not to be assumed will be an easy one.  I think we place too much expectation on God sometimes.  Again, don't get me wrong, He is a God of miracles and healing and restoration...but often times we are praying for OUR desires.  Of course, why wouldn't we!!  Look at me!  I know I have sure placed my tall requests.  And we ARE to bring our desires and petitions to God.  But HOW HE chooses to answer them can often rock our worlds when it isn't the way WE asked or believed. 
So begins the very daunting journey of restoring our faith and strength when we have felt forgotten or abandoned.  Or backing down from our anger when prayers may not be answered to how we ferverently prayed.

I do NOT believe that God doesn't answer our prayers just to "pull rank" or to remind us of our "place".
We don't understand the result of some prayers.  We don't understand the "why" of it all.
But we are to continue to BELIEVE that God has it under control.  He loves us.  He hurts when we hurt. 
AND there is such rejoicing as well when prayers ARE answered as we asked or HOPED for.
I'm certainly no theologian, so these are just my own feelings.

In my case, 4 of our 5 children have passed away, far too soon.  A reminder that this earth is not our home.  That even in these moments we are born to die.  YET, as believers...we have that certainty that we are not just dying.  We are not evaporating in to nothingness.  We will rejoin those gone before us to our true home.  We will live as God always intended. 
It's hard for me to wrap my head around.  And it doesn't make the sufferings on earth any easier.  But earthly death is a reminder of what is important.

It's not the STUFF we accumulate, or the places we go, or the cars we drive or the house we live in.  Yes, God has blessed us with comforts while here, but we are to do more than just sit back comfortably.  We are to live like Christ.  We are to reach out to those who need Christ's love and HOPE.  We are to sit with those who are hurting, to extend a hand when a friend needs help up, to go beyond our own busy lives and to make sure those around us are doing well.
It's not easy.  Life gets busy.  We all know that.
But in an age of email and texting...how hard can it be to sit and take 3 minutes to shoot even a short "I'm thinking of you", or "Hope everything is well", or "How can I pray for you this week?"

I know that through the pain of losing Zac, and the fears of such a premature baby I got lost in my own world.  I didn't know how to reach out and ask for help, or even to ask for someone just to come and sit by my side when I needed someone to do just that.
And now I try to remember how I felt, and how lonely a journey it has been...and I want to somehow use what I learned in those days (and am still learning) to go beyond myself and my comforts. 

My prayer life has lacked.  I will admit that whole heartedly.  I've wished for a person to come along side me and say...lets just sit so I can pray for you.  HOWEVER, I DO have a dear friend in Calgary who calls and often ends our conversation in prayer.  She warms my heart!!  But I want to be that kind of person too!!  I want to get over myself and my setbacks and my "embarassement" of wondering if I won't sound "Godly" or have enough "wisdom" in my prayers.  Talk about needing to get over myself!  WHO CARES if I say a prayer as innocent and as short as a CHILD!!  JUST PRAY ALREADY!!!!  It is what we are called to do!!!!

Yes, so now I have put myself out there and have created a challenge for myself, as well as for who ever (if any) still follow along my blog and believe in the power of prayer.

I have a friend who just recently was diagnosed with cancer.  I won't name names, as it is really not my place, but this family is feeling the presence and peace of God through prayers happening for them literally all over the world.  I felt those same prayers while I was in the hospital.  Prayer has power...even when we don't think it's making a difference.  IT DOES to the person you are praying for!!
I am asking that you pray for this friend, and for his wife and young children.  Pray that this friend will feel the hand of God over his body, and that God will use this to HIS glory.  Pray for physical comfort and for mental peace as treatment looms ahead.  Pray that these children will be safe guarded from clinical talk, and from anything that their little ears just don't need to be subjected to.  Pray that they will lean on each other, and their family, friends and God through these scary times.  Pray for strength in each of us to uphold him in daily prayer...not putting our own setbacks in place of the power of prayer (aka...like me!). 
Pray for healing!!

Life will always throw us a curve ball, no matter how lucky we think we are.  That's just life.  But how fortunate for us to be blessed by the love of our Eternal Father, who even through the darkest of days will forever remain by our side, granting us strength and peace each day we move forward.  The days where we are just too tired and too weak from our burden, He is there to carry us through.  The days where we feel the loneliest and most abandoned by those around us...He is there to heal our hearts and hold our hands and catch our tears.

We don't know how prayers will be answered.  But we HOPE in the petitions prayed.  And God will carry us through.

Blessings to you all...

1 comment:

  1. I love this post! So true and honest and where I often find myself. Praying for you...praying for your friend....sending our love!