I am still confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the Lord
Psalm 27: 13-14

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Oh boy...

I really should be sleeping.  Why am I not sleeping! 
Oh ya...dishes, and then a stack of paper work that needed to get done after Evan went to bed. 
I always kick myself the next morning because I realize how tired I am THEN...but now?  I have a stupid second wind and just can't unravel myself to sleep.  Silly silly girl!!

Things have been good.  Evan has been great!  My heart and joy.  He just makes me laugh so much.
This afternoon we went by Brett's office and he got all shy and said "I shy!"  It was so funny!!

Yesterday we were out of town for a birthday party.  Evan's NICU sweetie had her 2nd birthday yesterday.  It is SUCH a joy to be able to be a part of such an amazing day.
Marley is another miracle indeed!  Born 27 weeks and weighed 2lb 6ou. 
She and Evan were side by side for most of our NICU stay, so we were blessed to become friends with Marley's parents...and how special it is to be able to visit and to watch our little ones outside of the isolettes and NICU bays! 
And how PRECIOUS to hear them laughing and giggling together as they run off to play in another room.
Seriously just so so sweet.

Of course with that comes that all too connected ache.  Wishing I were hearing Zac among the laughter and playing.  Having him a part of the birthday celebrations too.
But he is forever in our hearts.  He is not forgotten, and he is not unmentioned.

Tonight as I was washing up dinner dishes I was watching and listening to Evan and Brett playing on the floor...and suddenly tears were just pouring down my face.  Fortunately they had their backs to me, so I was able to have my moment in private.
But as I listened to them and watched them together, and watched and listened to Evan talking away and putting puzzles together, my heart just overflowed with love and awe of this little guy.
And yet in the same breathe...I wondered what it would have been like to have Zac right there in the mix.  Not just in our minds and our hearts...but HERE.
I KNOW that he would have never crawled, or walked, or talked or even ate like Evan has and does.  I know we were told that the way he was laying in his isolette with his beautiful eyes staring at us would be how he was expected to always be IF he survived.
And I feel so angry all over again with the thoughts.  Maybe because this time 2 years ago I was still hanging on to every day we were granted while living at the hospital, begging for my boys lives.
I get so angry trying to understand WHY I ever ruptured to begin with.  What did I do wrong to put my sons at risk?  And I know logically that I couldn't have been MORE careful during my pregnancy...but still.  I am mommy.  And isn't the mommy the protector of the one(s) inside her? 
I get sad thinking that Zac would have struggled.  I get sad knowing the choice we had to make.  I get mad remembering that day and get disappointed that we were ever put in that position.

BUT...my days are getting better.  Never without a tear escaping here and there, and never without thoughts of both my sons.
But I know I will see Zac again.  I know we will see all our children again.
So for that...I have to just realize that I don't have the answers to my why's.  And I have to put that to rest.
I have precious memories along with the heart ache.  And I'm trying to keep those sweet memories front and center.

Grief is never replaced.  Grief is there.  I suppose it's how we allow grief to play in our lives. 
No matter how badly I wish both my sons were asleep in their bedroom right now...that is not the case.
But I am so greatful that I know heaven holds Zac, while I get to hold Evan in my arms every day.
I hold both my sons in their own way.
I refuse to let grief over take me.
I refuse to let the enemy win.
I refuse to lose that which is in my life now.

I know as March approaches the confusion and joy/grief tug-of-war tightens just that bit more.
I'm so excited for Evan's birthday, but I'm also bracing myself for that lump in my throat as we sing "Happy Birthday".  I'm excited for the day of celebration and for those who will join with us...but I struggle because Zac will not be blowing out candles.
I am filled with awe and gratitude for the days, weeks, months and soon yearS we have had with Evan.  What an amazing blessing this little boy is in our lives.  What lessons he teaches us every day!
What music to my ears to hear him chattering away with his daddy.  What music to my ears to hear his melt downs!  What music to my ears to hear him call for me in the night, and the feeling of him racing to me and flinging himself in to my arms.

My sons are precious gifts.  And I will never take them forgranted!

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