I am still confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the Lord
Psalm 27: 13-14

Friday, February 25, 2011

Birthday Invites = smiles and tears...

In just over a week my boys will (and would have) turn two.  First, I can't believe almost two years have passed.  I can't believe my 28 weeker will be almost 24 months!  It actually makes my head spin.

I was just writing out birthday invitations for Evan's party.  I know it's mainly family that will be coming, but I don't care.  I waited so long to do birthdays and invitations...so even though it's mostly family...invitations are still being mailed out.  AND I suppose that should prompt me to hussle up since it's in just over a week!!

But here I am writing out these invitations...with only one name, and one name missing.  One face that will not be seen at this party...except in a photograph.  One name that won't be sung to.

I know it will always be hard on my heart.  And I know that no matter what, my heart will also always rejoice watching Evan each year that we are blessed to be his parents here on earth. 

But each year comes with the sting of missing Zac.  And that will always be a part of it. 
And each year I will try to make sure that each party holds a piece of him as well...because he BELONGS there.  Even if just in heart and memory. 

I'm excited to make Evan's cake.  I am excited to blow up balloons.  I am excited to watch him next Sunday.  I am excited to see what this new year holds for him.  I overflow with love for him.

I wish that Zac was going to be here.  I wish that Zac had been here each day of the passed two years.  I wish that Evan had his brother with him.  I hope that Evan will understand that he is a twin...that his brother loved, and loves him always.  But that is up to me, and to us as parents to continue to make Zac a part of our every day.  Not in a strange way.  Not in a "shrine" sense.  But in the way that is real...the very fact that Evan and Zac are two together always.

Writing out these invitations bring me such joy and honor...and also many tears and pangs of sadness.
The sadness will not over take the joy...but the sadness is reality.  It always will be.

Two years...where has time gone?!